


Growing Up (A Love Story)

by imawarlock



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Children, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 23:53:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 97,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5184467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imawarlock/pseuds/imawarlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The path to love and happiness isn't always an easy one, even when you start from the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is something on the shorter side that I've wanted to write. Obviously, the story will earn its E rating a bit later ;)

They met when Erwin was 6 and Levi was 5, in the time between their birthdays when the weather started to grow cool and rainy. That was what caused Erwin to take a spill on the playground, slipping on a pile of tiny, wet rocks when their kindergarten teacher called them inside and he’d been running. The book in his hands went flying and he fell forward onto the ground, catching himself at the last minute on his bare palms and knees and scraping them up bloody in the mud.

To his credit, he did not cry. Not until two other kids laughed at him, anyway, pointing and snickering as they passed instead of helping him up. Their derision caused Erwin to shift onto his backside and sniffle, wet tears spilling over his eyes and running down his cheeks a few seconds later when he could no longer hold them in, and Levi, who had seen him tumble forward from yards away, found himself picking up Erwin’s book because his mother had always told him to help others.

Most of the time he didn’t listen, but he knew what it was like to be laughed at by other children, and so he handed the book back to Erwin who was looking up at him with an awestruck expression, his big, blue eyes wide as if he could not believe that Levi was being so nice to him. Even then, they were the first thing that Levi noticed, and it only took a few seconds of Erwin staring at him for Levi to falter, twisting his head around and squeezing his eyes shut as if he was trying to shield himself.

“My mom says I’m shy.” He mumbled in explanation for his behavior, knowing well enough by then that turning away from someone wasn’t quite a normal reaction.

“Oh.” Erwin answered, accepting what Levi had said in the way that only a child could. Levi was still holding his book out, and after a moment he felt him take it, the sound of him sniffling again reaching Levi’s ears as he did so. Then he heard rustling that must have been Erwin standing up, followed immediately by a sigh and a quiet, mumbled ‘thanks.’

At that, Levi managed to crack open one eye and glance back at Erwin. He wasn’t looking at him anymore, he saw, and was instead gently wiping his dirty palms on his shorts. His legs were filthy, and as Levi looked lower, he noticed that there was a great deal of red on his knees mixed in with the brown too.

“You’re bleeding.” He said, his perceived seriousness of Erwin’s injury allowing him to be able to turn back around to face him fully.

“I know.” Erwin responded sullenly, looking at his book now.

He was apparently more concerned about how dirty that was rather than his knees, and it made Levi frown, confusion lacing his features as Erwin brushed grass and mud off the cover of it.

“It's gross. Aren’t you going to tell your teacher?” Levi asked, looking over his shoulder again, this time for an adult.

“Yes.” Erwin said matter-of-factly, as if Levi had asked him a stupid question. He sounded far older than his six years, and stopped what he was doing to fix Levi with another inquisitive glance, his eyes searching over him in a way that made Levi scowl this time. What was he looking at? It was almost like he could see right through him - something that Levi would reflect on later, and something that seemed almost possible when without taking his gaze off of Levi at all, Erwin suddenly spoke again, declaring cryptically: “She’s coming.”

“Huh?” Levi said, his face scrunching up in confusion.

Before Erwin could answer him, though, Levi realized that he was talking about his teacher, just as she came up hurriedly behind him to kneel down next to Erwin. She seemed far more concerned about his injury than he did, and Levi watched as she checked him out and then took his hand, leading them both off the playground and back inside the school. Erwin’s fall had earned him a trip to the nurse’s office while Levi was just sent back to class, and because they were assigned to different ones Levi did not see him again for a few days.

When he did so, it was while Levi was leaving class to meet his mom outside, his eyes spotting Erwin sitting on a curb a few yards down the sidewalk reading a book. He knees were covered in criss-crossed band-aids, Levi saw, and he hesitated for a moment before approaching him. The only problem was he wasn’t sure what to say, so once he reached him, he just stopped and stood there until Erwin looked up.

“Hello.” He said after blinking, his big eyes scanning over Levi like they had before.

“What are you reading?” Levi asked then, because at the time, he could only understand the simplest of words, while Erwin was holding what appeared to be a grown-up book.

“A book my father gave me.” Erwin answered, looking back down to continue reading.

“What’s it about?”

“The Romans.” Erwin said simply, pausing a moment before he continued. “My father says their army was one of the most advanced in the world.”

Levi’s face scrunched up. What was Erwin talking about? How could he even understand it, when every time that Levi had looked at one of his mother’s books with the people kissing on the covers, all he had seen was gibberish - before she’d snatched it away from him and told him he was too young to read things like harlequin, anyway. “How do you know what it says?”

“I can read.”

“How?”

“My father taught me.”

“Oh.” Levi said, frowning and suddenly feeling stupid.

Erwin hadn’t looked up from his book during their entire conversation, but a moment after that, he did, taking in Levi’s expression and blinking once. He almost looked a little sheepish, Levi thought, like he could tell that he’d somehow made him feel bad even if he hadn’t meant to.

“I can’t read all of it.” He admitted a second later, pausing again, biting his lip and furrowing his brows like he was thinking. Then, to Levi’s surprise, he suddenly twisted, lifting his arms to hold the open book up in Levi’s direction. “But I can show you some if you want.”

Levi didn’t answer right away because he hadn’t been expecting that, but for some reason he found himself nodding and sitting down beside Erwin after a few seconds. He’d never really had that much interest in reading or writing - not yet, anyway - but he liked stories, and he found that he liked talking to Erwin too. He was nice even if he was a little weird, and after their initial meeting, Levi felt at ease around him which was something that couldn’t be said for most of his other classmates.

They sat together on the curb for the next few minutes, Levi listening to Erwin read what he could of a passage about chariots. Erwin pointed at the words with his finger while he went over them, sure of what he was doing in a way that suggested this is what he’d done with his father, and Levi followed it with his eyes as best as he could until they were interrupted by his mom.

“Levi!” She said, coming up behind them both so suddenly that they jumped and turned around. There was a hint of panic in her voice that made Levi shoot up onto his feet on instinct too because he feared that he was in trouble, but after Kuchel’s eyes roved over him and she saw that he was alright, she calmed down. “What are you doing? You weren’t by the tree, and I couldn’t find you. You scared me, Levi.”

Automatically, she lifted a hand to run it through her son’s hair as she reached him, a gentle gesture that normally he would allow. Normally, he might have also given her a hug too, but for some reason, with Erwin there and his penetrative gaze on them that felt stupid. For some reason he shrunk away from her touch and felt his face turn red with embarrassment, frowning and staring at the ground when she gave him a near matching, confused look.

“We were reading.” Levi muttered, side-eyeing Erwin who was still holding the book in his lap, even though he had twisted around to look curiously back and forth between Levi and his mother.

At Levi’s explanation, Kuchel finally noticed Erwin, her eyes softening as she caught sight of him and the reason for Levi’s embarrassment became clear. She smiled again, looking between them both, and settled for just taking Levi’s book bag from his shoulders instead of ruffling his hair.

“Oh? Who is this?” She asked as Erwin blinked up at her, both of them then looking at Levi because she had been talking to him.

Only, Levi realized then, he didn’t actually know Erwin’s name. He’d never asked and it hadn’t occurred to him - he wasn’t the most socially skilled child, after all - and Erwin had not yet deigned to mention it.

“Um.” Levi said, his face turning red like it had the first day they’d met, halfway to panicking because he realized he had done something wrong.

“I’m Erwin.” Erwin said though, speaking up a moment later when Levi failed to answer.

He did not smile but just gave Kuchel the same piercing look he’d given Levi, only, unlike him, Kuchel was somehow unaffected.

“Aren’t you going to introduce yourself, Levi?” Kuchel said in response, gently placing a hand on his back as if to encourage him.

She knew that Levi could sometimes be shy, unresponsive, or even rude when he was nervous, and putting pressure and attention on him like this was a surefire way to cause that. Only, to his credit, Levi just hesitated for a mere second, biting his lip and clenching his fists at his sides before he spoke. Kuchel seemed to think that he and Erwin had just met, but that was not the case. They’d met on the playground a few days before, and Levi had already talked to him enough to no longer feel uneasy around him.

“I’m Levi.” He blurted out, unable to take his eyes off the ground despite all of his other bravery.

“Do you want to read with me again one day, Levi?” Erwin asked though, causing Levi to look up at him in surprise.

“Okay.” He said immediately, nodding a second later without even thinking about it because he knew his answer.

In response, Erwin smiled - the first time he had done so - and Levi’s stomach suddenly felt weird. He was nauseous, or nervous, he thought, but it was different than the kind he usually got when he was talking to an adult or when the teacher was making him answer a question in front of the class. Confused and not sure what else to say, he looked up to his mother on instinct for help, his eyes going wide when he saw that she was positively beaming. Later he would figure that it was probably because she’d just witnessed her son making his first friend, but right then it just made him feel more anxious and unsure of what to do.

Fortunately, Erwin’s father chose that moment to show up, walking out of the school with his briefcase to gather his son. Apparently he was a teacher there, and when he saw Levi and Kuchel, he blinked in surprise and gave them both a hesitant smile.

“Hello.” He said, his instinctual concern for his son making him speak a bit warily. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh, yes.” Kuchel answered. “Your son and mine were reading together.”

After that, Erwin’s father responded and they continued talking, although Levi lost track of their conversation quickly. It would turn out that they were both discovering that their sons had trouble socializing - Erwin because he was intense for a child and always buried in books, and Levi because he was, well, Levi - and seemed to get along from what Kuchel had just witnessed.

Mr. Smith would tell Ms. Ackerman that his son had gone on and on to him a few days ago about a boy who helped him on the playground, and together they deduced that it must have been Levi. This surprised Kuchel, who in turn surprised Erwin’s father when she told him how Erwin had asked Levi to read again the next day. Together, they decided to set something up, and exchanged numbers so that they could try to cultivate their sons’ burgeoning friendship.

“Do you think my mom is going to marry your dad?” Levi asked Erwin while they talked, squinting at where Kuchel was laughing at something Mr. Smith had said.

“No.” Erwin said, his voice taking on a grim tone that made him sound like Levi’s great grandpa. “My father says no one can replace my mother.”

The statement caused Levi to glance at him, a bewildered look crossing his face because he wasn’t sure what he meant. Before he could summon up the words to ask, though, they were interrupted by the adults, both of them being retrieved suddenly by their respective parent and hauled off for home. Erwin gave Levi a wave as he was guided away by his father which Levi hesitantly returned, finally taking his mother’s hand and allowing her to pet his hair once Erwin could no longer see him.

He was still wondering about Erwin’s words, but later he would learn that they were because Mr. Smith was still in love with the wife he’d lost when he had gained a son. He wouldn’t ever get over her, but either way,  Kuchel Ackerman was too busy working hard and too devoted to raising her boy to worry about dating anyone. The idea that they might marry had been nothing but an innocent, childhood whim on Levi’s part, as they were not two people who were destined to be together. That fate was saved for their sons, although it would be many more years before Erwin and Levi realized it, and even more after that before it actually happened.

Neither Erwin nor Levi certainly had any idea when they saw each other next, as they were too young for things like that. That wasn’t to say they didn’t become fast friends though, their camaraderie practically cemented in stone the next time they saw each other at school and discovered that they were both outsiders. It was on the playground again one week later, after Levi had made his usual beeline for the swingset only to spot the place where Erwin had fallen into the dirt before.

It reminded Levi of him and caused him to glance around curiously, his eyes darting around the yard until he spotted Erwin sitting up against a tree next to the monkey bars. He was reading again, an action that was quickly becoming predictable, and Levi made his way over after only a moment of hesitation, standing in front of Erwin silently like he had before until the other boy looked up at him.

“Hello, Levi.” He said quietly, blinking before giving him a tentative smile.

It was nowhere near as wide as the one he’d sported when they’d introduced themselves a few days ago, but it still caused Levi get that same weird, fluttery feeling in his stomach again that made him feel like he might throw up.

“Wanna play with me?” It made him ask too, the words coming out of his mouth without him even having planned on it.

Erwin seemed just as surprised as he was, his eyes going wide as Levi’s had done. For a moment he was silent and they just stared at each other, but then he nodded, glancing down at his book and setting it aside before he stood up.

“What do you want to play?” He asked, a serious look on his face that suggested he was more than ready to participate in whatever game Levi suggested.

"Hide and seek?" Levi proposed, feeling more than a little excited himself because he'd never had someone to play with on the playground before. "I like to swing too."

"Let's play hide and seek. Do you want to go first? I'll count to twenty."

Erwin's eyes scanned the playground while he spoke, like he was scoping out any potential hiding places Levi might pick before he’d even had a chance to agree. Levi noticed he was wearing the same intent, focused expression that he had when he read, only now it was like he was mapping out the area in his head, or formulating some kind of plan to smoke him out of his hiding spot once he was done counting. It intimidated Levi a little, but only for a second. Erwin didn't know it yet, but Levi was skilled at hiding because he was small. He was fast too, so even if Erwin found him Levi was confident that he wouldn't be able to catch and tag him out. Nodding, he stepped back, watching as Erwin turned around and pressed his face against the tree. He started counting loudly but Levi only heard him get to two before he was off, sprinting across the playground, dodging other children, and glancing around for the perfect, most unexpected hiding spot he could find.

At first he made a beeline for a large, oversized tire with the thought that he could hide inside the hollow part of it, but when he climbed on top he saw that it was muddy and filled with dead leaves and twigs. Levi did not want to get dirty, so instead, he picked a bush behind the playground's largest fort, squatting between it and the wall and adjusting the leaves so that he was obscured behind them as best he could. As soon as he’d gotten settled he realized it had been just in time, because after a second, he heard Erwin's shout of 'ready or not, here I come!' and he went still, barely daring to breathe lest he somehow draw Erwin's attention towards him.

The playground was a rather large place, and Levi didn't really expect Erwin to find him very quickly. There were lots of spots he could’ve chosen to hide in, many small crevices and holes that he would’ve been able to fit in if he’d wanted. However, it was perhaps only a minute before there were a pair of blue eyes suddenly peeking at him through the leaves of the bush, their sudden appearance surprising Levi so much that he jumped and covered his mouth. For a split second he was shocked, but then he exploded into action, sprinting out from behind it and wondering how Erwin had managed to find him so fast.

As soon as he was off, running toward the tree Erwin had counted against at top speed so he wouldn’t be tagged, he looked behind him to see if Erwin was following him, and nearly slid to a stop when he wasn’t. That was weird, he thought, didn’t he want to catch him? It caught Levi off guard so much that he paused behind another fort built like a rocket ship, peeking around the corner of it just in case Erwin was hiding there and planning to ambush him. He didn’t see him though, and the tree was only a few more yards away. Taking a deep breath, he decided to just make a run for it, starting forward again only to have Erwin practically swoop down upon him from the side as soon as he’d left his cover.

He must have been hiding on the other side of the rocket ship, Levi thought, but he came at him so fast that Levi couldn’t dodge. He reached out and tagged Levi on the back, and he was so surprised by his sudden appearance that he stumbled and fell onto the ground, right on his side. He wasn’t injured, but it made Erwin stop, his face crumpling in concern until Levi sat up.

“Are you okay?” He asked though, dropping down onto his knees beside Levi.

Levi nodded, his head still whirling, and then Erwin laughed, a small giggle that had Levi nearly breaking out into a smile of his own too.

“Sorry.” Erwin said, covering his mouth, his smile fading as if he feared he’d done something wrong. “I’ve never played with anyone before.”

“Me neither.” Levi sighed, because he hadn’t gotten along with anyone else in his age group until now. He was awkward and shy and came across as unfriendly, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less when he was left out of groups and ignored. "The other kids are stupid.”

He said it with a scowl, a statement born out of his frustration and loneliness, but of course, he hadn't meant Erwin. Erwin's face fell like he thought he had though as soon as the words came out of his mouth, and when Levi noticed, he felt a flash of panic.

“But you’re not.” He blurted, seeking to correct himself.

Not only was he concerned with Erwin's feelings, he also found he didn't want Erwin to stop talking to him or anything like that either. He'd had fun playing with him just now and wanted to do it again, but luckily, Erwin perked back up after Levi's explanation.

"I know." He said, taking his words literally, apparently. "The other kids don't like me either. They make fun of me for reading."

At his words, Levi frowned, remembering how he'd seen students laughing at Erwin when he'd fallen the other day, and how it had made Erwin cry. He thought he was kind of weird too - what kind of kid read during recess instead of playing? - but he was the only person who had been nice to Levi here, and it was mean to pick on him. He also knew how Erwin felt too though, and suddenly Levi wanted to go yell at those kids, finding himself feeling protective of Erwin because he hadn’t done anything to them to deserve that. He hadn’t even stuck up for himself, Levi remembered, resolving right then that if it happened again, he would just have to do it for him.

"They're mean." Levi said again, standing up and brushing himself off. "Next time I’ll punch them for you. My uncle taught me how."

Erwin cocked his head a bit at that, staring at Levi as if he was trying to assess whether he was serious or not. After a moment he apparently came to the conclusion that he was, because he smiled again and stood up, reaching out to take Levi's hand in his own with a quick jerk. It made him blush for some reason, the strange, nervous feeling he got around Erwin returning to his stomach, but instead of letting go, he tightened his fingers around Erwin's palm and stared at the ground.

"Want to play on the swingset now?" He asked, mumbling the question into the dirt, feeling shy all of a sudden because he'd never held hands with a boy before.

In fact, he was pretty sure the only person he'd held hands with before was his mother, but Erwin's fingers were just as warm and comforting as hers, and even as Erwin nodded Levi found himself not wanting to let go. He held on almost automatically, his hand tightening around Erwin’s as he started forward, jerking his arm back a bit when Levi did not move to follow him. It was only after Erwin turned to fix him with the piercing, inquisitive look he was quickly becoming familiar with did he release him, letting his fingers slip from Erwin’s so that they could continue playing.

He had to, he knew; Erwin wanted to swing. He had been the one to ask him in the first place, but even so and even as he followed him, letting go of Erwin was something that Levi would never be able to get used to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Erwin and Marie.” Levi started a few moments later, ready to tell his mother what had happened now that he knew she wouldn’t get angry with him. “She has a crush on him. And...and, I-”
> 
> “Do you have a crush on Erwin too?” Kuchel interrupted, saying the words for Levi because he was having trouble.
> 
> He flushed when he heard her and paused, his stomach fluttering nervously from where he was still lying curled against her. Bracing himself because he knew he had to answer her question though, he clenched his fists on the bed, taking a deep breath and finally nodding once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to @takonomz on twitter for beta reading this chapter :)

“Mom.” Levi said, impatiently tugging at the back of his mother’s dress. “Hurry _up_.”

“Levi, I told you we aren’t leaving until 12:30. It’s 12:15.”

“But I wanna go! Erwin said I could come over early!”

“I know that, but I’m not ready. Let go of me so I can finish this.”

In response, Levi just scowled. His hand remained tightly fastened on Kuchel’s dress, and he even tugged again - just once. It was a testament to how badly he wanted to leave to go to Erwin’s 9th birthday party, because normally he would not disobey his mother in such a way. It was also a mistake, because no sooner had he done it than Kuchel was turning around, pulling his hand off of her dress herself with one hand and grabbing him by the jaw with the other. It forced him to look at her, and it only took about a second before his venomous expression wilted underneath her sharp stare.

“Levi. Go sit.” Kuchel told him in a stern voice, but could not resist ruffling his hair the tiniest bit when he finally turned to walk away. “You’re acting like a brat.”

Levi didn’t think he was acting like a brat, but he didn’t want to risk his mother’s ire any further by responding either, so instead he just trudged across the room, climbed into a chair, and slumped down into it with his arms crossed. He just wanted to see Erwin before his party started, because once the other kids were there he wouldn’t get to. Or rather, he would have to share him, which made Levi jealous. He liked having Erwin’s attention all to himself, and also, he wanted to give him his gift while they were alone. He knew he was going to get embarrassed when he did it, which was fine in front of Erwin, but _not_ in front of the other kids.

But, of course, he thought bitterly as he pouted in his chair, his mother was ruining everything. She was doing work and they couldn’t leave until she finished, and Levi was impatient. Why was she working, anyway? It was Saturday. Other kids’ parents didn’t work on Saturdays. Later, Levi would grow up past the age of 8 and realize that all the extra work his mother did was always for him, but right then, he just wanted to leave.

Finally, though, it was time to go, once the remaining fifteen minutes had passed and Kuchel put the papers she was reading down. It had seemed like an eternity to Levi, and as soon as she stood up, he practically vaulted from the chair to grab Erwin’s wrapped birthday present off of their coffee table.

“Come on, mom!” He said, pushing past Kuchel on their way to the front door so he could open it, frowning when she instead stopped to dig around in her purse. “What are you doing? Let’s go!”

“I’m making sure I have my keys, Levi, calm down.” Kuchel scolded him gently, unable to keep the small smile off her face at his impatience despite her words. He was excited to see Erwin, his best friend, and even after several years of this she would never not be happy that her son had him. He was still not the best at getting along with the other kids, but for all that he struggled with that, his friendship with Erwin was just as strong. “We’re still going to get there a little early, alright?”

“I know, but I want to see him.” Levi continued to whine, even as his mother opened the front door and they walked to her car together.

The ride to Erwin's was slow, Levi thought, but once they got there he was glad to see no other cars in his driveway. He climbed out of theirs before his mother had even turned it off, bounding up the sidewalk so that he could ring the bell. When the door opened it was Erwin's father, and he greeted Levi with a smile and a hello as Kuchel approached behind him. Like Levi’s mother, he was still as grateful as he had been on that first day outside their school when he’d discovered Erwin had made a friend - even if Levi had proved to be sometimes obstinate, surly, and disobedient.

"Erwin is in his room, Levi." Mr. Smith told him, before he started talking to his mom and Levi pushed past them and into the house, leaving the adults behind in favor of climbing the stairs to find his friend.

When he got there he saw that the door was half cracked open, and he stuck his head in to find Erwin sitting on the floor amidst the scattered pieces of a plastic model he was working on. He loved building them and had handfuls of them around his room - most of them cars and planes and military equipment, and this one, Levi saw, appeared to be a tank.

"Hello, Levi." Erwin greeted him before he'd even looked up to see that it was him, only fixing Levi with his familiar, wide, blue-eyed stare when he approached and was standing over him.

"What are you doing?" Levi asked, squinting at the array of model pieces. "Don't you already have a tank like that?"

"No. This is a World War II Soviet T-26 Light Tank." Erwin replied matter-of-factly, a small smile appearing on his face because he knew what Levi was going to say next.

"Dork." He said, plopping down beside him at the same time and elbowing his arm, causing Erwin’s smile to grow a little wider.

They both knew that he was only teasing, as Levi didn’t mean it. In fact, he was probably the only person who could call Erwin that, because anyone else who did it in his presence often got a swift fist to the face. Despite the fact that it had been the kind of impassioned, heartfelt vow that only a small child could make, Levi had kept the word he’d given Erwin on the playground: he stuck up for him. Any kid who made fun of him for reading, called him a nerd, or who laughed at him to his face got kicked in the shins or pushed into the mud if Levi was around, and although their classmates had messed with Levi before too, after he proved to be unafraid to get into a fight they learned to leave him alone - and eventually Erwin as a result.

That was the reason Levi continued to struggle making friends though while Erwin had at least managed to befriend a few more kids over the years, but Levi didn’t care much. He still thought his peers were stupid, and Erwin wasn’t. He was nice and fun to play with even if he was weird sometimes, and he was Levi’s best friend. He liked to spend time with him whenever he could, and sometimes Levi felt so happy around Erwin that it made him feel weird, like he was shy and embarrassed to be near him when he shouldn’t be.

He’d outgrown that since he’d gotten out of kindergarten, but sometimes he still flushed and stuttered when Erwin said something that made him happy, and even when he didn’t, he always felt different when he was with him in comparison to how he did while he was around any of the other kids he managed to somewhat get along with, like Hange or Mike. In the last few months, he even found himself thinking that he wanted to hold Erwin’s hand or sit closer to him sometimes - things that they’d innocently done when they were younger, but had stopped when they’d started getting teased because the other kids said boys weren’t supposed to touch like that.

For a while Levi didn’t care that they didn't do it anymore, but he’d been starting to think about it again sometimes. He didn’t understand why it mattered; it wasn’t like Erwin was his boyfriend, right? Boyfriends were for grown-ups, and he didn't think holding Erwin's hand would automatically make him Levi's boyfriend anyway, no matter how much Levi found that the idea didn't bother him.

He wasn't sure what that meant, and although sometimes he found himself confused, for the most part he just knew that Erwin was the most important person to him other than his mother, and that was why he wouldn’t ever stop defending Erwin on the playground, even when Erwin told him not to because it got him in trouble. It was also why he had placed so much importance on the birthday present he was about to give him, because Levi liked Erwin a lot and wanted to get him something that he would like a lot too.

Unfortunately that was easier said than done, and Levi had agonized as much as a kid his age could over what to get him for the past few weeks. Although Levi knew the kinds of things Erwin enjoyed - history and building models and collecting rocks and playing with toy soldiers - he had plenty of those things already and Levi thought buying him anything like that would be boring. He would have to think of something else, he’d realized, but it was hard. Nothing he thought of seemed special enough, and if he managed to get an idea of something that was it always cost too much money.

Money was something his mother didn’t have a lot of, and even at his young age Levi knew better than to ask for it. They couldn’t afford to buy Erwin an expensive toy for his birthday, and the spare quarters and random dollars he'd collected in his piggy bank from his Uncle Kenny wasn't enough. Because of that, Levi fretted for days, until finally he got an idea about a week before Erwin’s birthday party while they were outside, resting and looking at a book after they’d pretended to be fighting on a battleship in the small fort in Erwin’s backyard.

Erwin had been the leader with his green army hat while Levi played the part of one of his loyal soldiers, charged with manning the guns and firing on the enemy at Erwin’s orders. It was fun and thrilling like it always was because as he’d heard Mr. Smith say to his mother, Erwin had quite a vivid imagination, and it was almost as if they were acting out a real story sometimes while they played.

Apparently they actually had been this time, because now that they were sitting down on Erwin’s front steps, he was showing Levi what had happened with one of his favorite books.

“Here’s the ship we were on.” Erwin said, pointing out a black and white picture of a huge battleship lined with guns. On the next page was a close-up of one, with a soldier sitting behind it in a seat and looking through some sort of scope. Apparently he was getting ready to fire, because Erwin looked over at Levi with the large smile he wore when he was about to tell Levi something that he thought was exciting. “This is what you were doing, see? The soldiers loaded these guns with huge bullets. They could fire all the way across a big stretch of ocean to hit an enemy ship. Sometimes they blew up in their faces though, and they would catch on fire and die, and body parts would go everywhere. Also, in this battle some of the ships sank and a bunch of soldiers were eaten by sharks. I don’t think this one did though. He worked on the poop deck.”

Levi had been side-eyeing the picture Erwin was pointing at while he drew shapes in the dirt with the large stick that had been his gun earlier, going from grimacing at Erwin’s usual fascination with grisly events to laughing at his mention of the poop deck.  

“Poop deck?” He repeated, because he was amused at the word ‘poop’ and because he also knew it would make Erwin smile again.

Whenever he did it made Levi smile too, and after he asked Erwin if he had been on the poop deck too he nearly sank into a fit of childish giggles. Suddenly, Levi was overwhelmed with that feeling again, a wave of shyness making his stomach feel fluttery and his cheeks go warm. He also wanted to hold Erwin's hand again, but he didn’t know what Erwin would do and he was too scared to find out, so he settled for letting one of his knees fall to the side to rest against Erwin’s comfortably instead. To his delight, Erwin didn’t move his away, but Levi’s wasn’t sure if he had even noticed because he was so busy flipping through the pages of his book.

“No, I was up here.” He said after a moment in response to Levi’s poop deck question, pointing at a bunch of windows inside a tower on the ship once he’d found the page he was looking for. “I was the commander.”

“What did he look like?”

“Like this.” Erwin showed him a picture of a man dressed in a fancy white suit, a hat on his head and dozens of medals decorating his chest.

He looked strong, Levi thought, and smart, and he found himself looking between the picture of the man and Erwin. “He looks cool, I guess.”

“Yes. He was a war hero. He helped save people. That’s what his medals are for. My father has a book on him, but he won’t let me read it yet.”

“Why not?”

“He says I'm not old enough.” Erwin said, frowning so hard his bottom lip poked out. “Because it's too graphic. But that's stupid, I read about people dying all the time. That's what happens in wars.”

“Yeah.” Levi agreed, because even though he was pretty sure they weren't about the same thing, his mom still wouldn't let him read her books either.

Erwin continued to be put out for a minute, but then went on some more about the ship commander. He told Levi all about how he became a soldier and talked about how smart he was, outlining his ‘advances in battle strategy’ in what Levi would later remember to be in frightening detail for someone Erwin’s age. It didn’t surprise him at that point though, but it still caused his face to become more and more pinched because he gradually lost track of what Erwin was even talking about. Levi tried to listen to him - he really did because he wanted to - but sometimes Erwin sounded like a grown-up and Levi’s attention span could only go so far.

He began to drift off while Erwin went on reading a passage out of the book, and only found his attention snapping back to him when he suddenly sighed loudly.

“I think I want to be like him when I grow up.”

“A soldier?” Levi asked at that, freezing from where he’d been tapping his stick against the ground and looking over at Erwin.

“I don’t know. Maybe. He was brave.”

Erwin said it softly and while he stared ahead of them at nothing, a dreamy look on his face as he thought about it. He seemed perfectly content to be imagining himself in an army, but it made Levi frown. He didn’t want Erwin to become a soldier. Soldiers died; he’d just said it himself, and Levi didn’t want Erwin to die.

“You can’t.” He said, causing Erwin to stop daydreaming and look at him, his expression a bit taken aback at Levi’s forceful tone. “You’ll die. And you already are brave, stupid. You aren’t afraid to read out loud or do math in front of the class.”

Erwin smiled again at that, although this time, Levi thought, his didn’t make his eyes bright like it usually did. “That’s not the same. But don’t worry, Levi, soldiers only die when there’s a war, and there’s not a war right now.”

Levi’s expression slackened a bit at that because Erwin was right, he _guessed_ , but what if there was a war later? He didn’t want Erwin to become a soldier no matter what, because the thought of him going away for any reason and leaving Levi - whether it be because of death or anything else - made him unhappy. Later he would feel selfish for thinking things like that, but right then he hadn’t grown up enough to see too far beyond what he wanted, and even if Erwin had tried to reassure him he continued to fret about it until that night when he was in bed. He kept picturing the battleship commander in his suit and all his medals, remembering how Erwin had brushed his fingers over them while he stared at the page like he wanted to wear them too.

Levi was close to drifting off to sleep and barely lucid at that point, and found his thoughts drifting to how much he wished he could hold Erwin’s hand again before he vaguely thought about how even if he didn’t want Erwin to join any armies, he _would_ look pretty cool and brave in that commander’s uniform with all the medals. Levi had to admit that at the very least, and with a sudden thought that made him open his eyes wide and abruptly jolt back to wakefulness, he knew what to do about Erwin’s birthday.

The medals had given him an idea, and it was one that he was sure Erwin would like. It was also one that he thought he could make himself - well, if his mother helped him anyway - so that they wouldn’t have to spend any money. It would be special and not just a toy and it would make Erwin happy, and Levi was suddenly so excited thinking about what he would do when he gave it to him that he couldn’t go to sleep for another hour.

The next morning he talked to Kuchel about it on the way to school, and after giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before letting him out of the car, she told him that it was a wonderful idea and she would help him when she got home from work.

She did as she said, gathering materials from her sewing kit and laying them out for Levi that night. There were bits of different kinds of ribbon and fancy spare buttons, and Kuchel showed him how to make what he wanted and let him do most of it himself. He already knew how to sew a little as she’d taught him some before, and he managed enough to craft Erwin five hand-made imitation military medals like the ones he’d seen in his book the other day for his birthday gift.

Obviously they weren’t the real thing and they didn’t look perfect because he was still learning, but he thought they looked close enough so that Erwin would like them, and so that he could wear them while they were playing. His mother beamed at him when he was done and assured him that Erwin would love them, but that didn’t stop Levi from slowly growing more and more nervous the closer it got to Erwin’s party.

He was excited, of course, but he couldn’t get rid of the annoying voice in the back of his mind that made him worry that Erwin wouldn’t like his gift, and that he would’ve preferred a toy or something bought from a store. That was part of the reason that he wanted to give it to Erwin while they were by themselves too, because he didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of the others for gifting him something he’d made. He was nervous enough giving it to Erwin in the first place as it was, and by the time he sat down beside him in his room with the wrapped box in his lap he was chewing on his lip.

“Hey.” He started after a second, leaning over without even thinking about it so that his shoulder was resting against Erwin’s. It got his attention and he glanced over at Levi inquisitively, his brows drawn down at the serious hint to his voice, and although it made Levi feel flustered, he knew that it was now or never because the other kids would probably start to show up any minute. “Here’s your present.”

“It’s not time for presents yet.” Erwin replied matter-of-factly.

His tone suggested that he was just stating what he knew rather than necessarily agreeing with it, and by then Levi was familiar enough with him to know that he probably wasn’t protesting. Erwin wasn’t the goody-two shoes that the other kids made him out to be sometimes, not really, because he’d gotten grounded more than once for letting his curiosity get the better of him and peeking at adult things his father had told him not to look at. He’d done it simply because he’d just wanted to know, and unsurprisingly, it was clear that he wanted to know what was inside Levi’s box too. Even as he spoke he’d lowered his gaze towards it, staring at the package and letting his eyes rove around each and every corner like he was trying to figure out what was inside.

“My mom said your dad said it was okay.” Levi told him a second later, rolling his eyes anyway and holding out the box for him to take.

Permission was all it took for Erwin to grab it, his eyes brightening in excitement as he smiled and as his hands went for the bow and wrapping paper that Levi had taped over the box. He undid it all carefully and slowly, taking his time whereas Levi would have probably just ripped it all off as fast as he could, and for some reason, the fact that Erwin was being so gentle with his gift made Levi feel good. Watching him, he swallowed, trying to think about that instead of how much his stomach was still flip-flopping in fear of Erwin not liking his gift.

“They’re medals.” Levi said as soon as Erwin opened the lid and stilled, unable to wait any longer for reassurance. “Like that commander wore in your book. I made them myself and-”

“You made these?” Erwin interrupted, lifting one out of the box. He wasn’t smiling because his lips were parted and his eyes had gone round with interest, but thankfully, he looked to Levi exactly like he did when he found a new rock or got a new model in the mail. “Wow. That’s amazing, Levi.”

He sounded impressed, and Levi felt a lot better after hearing that; obviously, Erwin was pleased. His chest felt tight and it made him happy too, but his face had started to grow hot just like he’d known it would.

“Yeah…” Levi said quietly, trying not to mix his words up and averting his eyes as he began to feel increasingly embarrassed. “My mom helped, but, you said you wanted to be like that commander, so...I thought you could if you had medals. You can wear them when we’re playing, and then maybe you don’t have to join the army.”

It was a childish thing to say, and although Levi was old enough to suspect that a toy medal he’d made wouldn’t stop Erwin from doing anything when he grew up, he was still young enough to at least have some hope that it might. Either way, Levi wasn’t even sure Erwin had heard him, because he was busy fixing one of the medals over his shirt on his chest, one made out of a red silk ribbon and a big, brass button with an eagle on it. He was smiling now and going through the other ones, and suddenly, when he was done, he glanced at Levi briefly, gave him a sharp look, and pulled out a second one.

“You need one too.” He proclaimed, bringing the medal up to Levi’s shirt. This one was blue with two dangling silver buttons, and he fixed it on Levi’s chest in the same spot as his. “You can be my second-in-command. Okay?”

“Okay.” Levi said immediately, his voice quiet because he suddenly felt like he was out of breath.

He felt excitement too, and awe, because Erwin had just asked him to be his second-in-command. Whenever they played, Levi was always perfectly happy to pretend to be whatever Erwin wanted, whether it was just a soldier or a civilian or a dead member of the enemy, but this was something different, something that felt more important. He was pretty sure Erwin wasn't going to let anyone else be his second-in-command on the playground, anyway, and it made him feel special, far more special than it would have if anyone else had asked him that.

“Thanks.” He murmured after Erwin was finished, brushing his fingers over the medal gently and biting his lip to restrain a smile.

“You're welcome.” Was Erwin’s response, uttered quickly before he then went quiet.

The silence lasted for a few seconds, causing Levi to tear his gaze away from the medal he was looking at and up towards Erwin’s face once he realized it. Immediately, he noticed that Erwin’s smile had faded, and Levi’s brow furrowed in confusion when he saw how troubled and worried he looked, like he sometimes did when he couldn’t figure something out.

“What's wrong?” Levi asked when Erwin looked away, fearing that he didn’t like everything about his gift after all when his eyes dropped down towards the box and he sighed dramatically.

“Levi.” He murmured then, glancing back at him with a look so serious that Levi's eyes went wide. He gaze was focused on him so intently that it made him freeze too, his lips pulled down in a dark, tight frown that made him realize that whatever Erwin was about to ask him was important. “I’ve been thinking about it, and…if I joined the army, would you go with me?”

At his question, Levi blinked, biting his lip because up until then, everything they'd been talking about had just been them playing around. Their moods had been light hearted but now everything suddenly felt bad like when one of them got in trouble, but Levi could tell that this was something that had been bothering Erwin, just like the thought of him joining in the first place had been bothering Levi. However, as much as he didn't _want_ Erwin to go off like that, he still knew what his answer was without even having to think about it.

“Yeah.” He said, nodding vigorously at the same time to emphasize.

Of course he would, he thought. He would follow Erwin anywhere if he asked him, and although all of this was what they would later recognize as only the kinds of innocent promises that children could make, at the moment it felt real and possible and besides, if Levi did go, then Erwin wouldn't be leaving him, right?

“I'll go with you. And I'll keep you from dying.” Levi said, so pleased to see Erwin smile tentatively again that he reached out to grab his hand before he could stop himself.

He hadn't meant to do it, but he’d been having that stupid, funny feeling again the entire time he’d been in Erwin’s room, and the urge had hit him so strongly that he’d done it without thinking. It was partly because what he was saying felt like he was telling Erwin some kind of secret and it made him embarrassed and nervous, and partly because, well, he just liked Erwin a lot. He’d almost unconsciously sought out his hand for comfort for both reasons - a fact that he was too young to even realize, much less to try to understand why - but as soon as their fingers touched Levi went still, his ears and his entire face growing so warm that they felt like they were on fire.

_Boys don't hold hands._ He thought, half panicked and staring wide eyed at where his palm was wrapped tightly around Erwin's, but still unwilling to let go. _Boys don't hold hands._

He knew he needed to move his hand as much as he didn’t want to - what if Erwin got mad at him? - but he couldn't. To him it didn't feel wrong or stupid or weird like the other kids said, and to his surprise, he realized a few seconds had passed and Erwin hadn’t pulled away from him either. Instead, when Levi forced himself to look up into his face, his gaze was focused downward at where their hands were joined just like Levi’s hand been, curiously and with that thoughtful look on his face that Levi knew so well. He definitely didn’t look like he minded at least, but even that couldn’t prepare Levi for what he did next.

“Thank you.” Erwin said, slipping his hand away from Levi’s then, but only so that he could lean over and wrap his arms around him in a tight hug. “The medals are really neat, Levi. I like them a lot.”

For a moment, Levi didn’t register what Erwin had even said. He was too busy going rigid and tense, his eyes widening and his mouth hanging open in surprise. Erwin was hugging him, and although it wasn’t like this was the first time they’d ever done so, right then it was different. It felt special and his words made Levi’s heart soar once he digested them, and suddenly, he felt like he’d run a mile at school. His chest was tight and he couldn’t breathe, and he was so nervous his palms were starting to get sweaty. Why was Erwin doing this and saying those things, he wondered? They were just medals, and it wasn’t that big of a deal; Levi had only wanted to get him something nice for his birthday, and-

Those thoughts were probably born out of how flustered and embarrassed and overwhelmed Levi had become in the last few minutes, because more than that, he couldn’t stop thinking about how warm Erwin was and how much he liked hugging him like this. That was what caused him to finally relax a few seconds into it, to wind his arms around Erwin’s middle and practically melt against him and into the hug.

“They’re just stupid toys.” He mumbled though, slumping forward to let his head rest against Erwin’s shoulder like he might have done if he’d been hugging his mother.

“But I like them.” Erwin said, his response immediate and his tone suggesting that he wasn’t bothered in the least by how Levi had practically curled against him. “And I’m glad you’re my friend.”

“Me too.” Levi answered, his anxiousness about what they were doing all but gone by then.

Instead, it had been replaced with a warm, lighthearted sensation - the usual one he’d grown so familiar with, but stronger, and so much so that he couldn’t ignore it. What was it? Why was he always feeling like this? He liked Erwin and Erwin was his best friend, but it was more than that, he felt different when he was around him, like he was excited and nervous and happy all at the same time. It made him want to see Erwin every day, and hold his hand and hug him like this, and-

Suddenly, upon the entrance of someone else into the room, Levi realized what it was: he didn’t just like Erwin, he _like-liked_ Erwin. He had a crush on him, and he hadn’t understood this entire time because Erwin was a boy; boys weren’t supposed to hold hands, or hug each other or touch for too long, but they just had and it had felt okay. If they could do that, then why couldn’t Levi have a crush on Erwin too? Why did it matter if they were both boys?

He didn’t think it did, but that’s what the other kids said - even the person who had just arrived at Erwin’s party: Marie. Marie was Erwin’s neighbor and the same age as him, and Hange had told him she wanted Erwin to be her boyfriend. She’d walked into the room right after Levi had spoken last, causing him to jerk away like they’d been doing something they weren’t supposed to on instinct. It also helped him to realize his feelings, because Marie tried to hold Erwin’s hand sometimes and always wanted to sit by him too, just like Levi.

“What are you doing?” Marie said when she entered, stopping in the doorway and wrinkling her nose in confusion.

“Hello, Marie.” Erwin answered her, standing up when she approached with a smile on his face.

It was the same one he fixed Levi with too, and he’d picked up the box of medals Levi had given him and set it aside on his bed. Erwin seemed oblivious, but Levi was watching Marie and didn’t miss how her eyes kept glancing in between them inquisitively. She’d seen them hugging, and Levi was young enough to feel panicked that she’d just figured out what _he’d_ just figured out: that Erwin was his crush. She hadn’t really, of course, but what she said didn’t make Levi feel any better, especially when Erwin’s response was just the same as it would have been with him.

“Can I give you a hug too?” She asked quietly, a hopeful look on her face that turned into a grin when Erwin nodded.

Leaning forward, he wrapped his arms around her just like he’d done to Levi earlier, and suddenly, all Levi felt was jealousy and anger and disappointment, because even though he’d briefly thought it was okay for him to like a boy, that didn’t mean Erwin would too. Marie was a girl, and girls were who boys were supposed to like. Boys could hold hands with girls and hug girls and even kiss girls, and although the thought of kissing Erwin made Levi blush fiercely and feel so nervous he thought he might throw up, it also made him feel a pang of sadness because he didn’t think he would ever be able to. Just because he liked Erwin didn’t mean that Erwin liked him back, after all, and because Marie _was_ a girl, Levi was pretty sure if he had a crush on anyone it was her.

The thought upset him, and all of this was overwhelming enough that he suddenly felt scared. Why wasn’t he normal? Why didn’t he like a girl like Marie? He didn’t understand, and it was enough to make his eyes prick with tears. They were coming fast and threatening to spill over, and he was struggling to keep his face from crumpling as he jumped to his feet abruptly and ran out of the room.

He heard Erwin calling for him as he left, but he didn’t want to talk to him right then because he couldn’t explain why he was upset, and he didn’t want Erwin to see him crying either. He managed to make it down the stairs before any tears started pouring down his cheeks, but by the time he found his mother, he was nearly sobbing.

“Mom-” He choked out in a watery voice, his face burning even as he tried to ignore how the other parents around were now staring at him.

He practically ran towards her and buried his face into her dress, only a moment before she was gently pushing him away, kneeling down in front of him, and looking into his face with concern.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart? What happened? Are you okay?” Kuchel asked, her gaze flitting all over him to make sure that he wasn’t injured.

“I wanna go home.” Levi all but wailed, wiping his face and nose on his sleeve when he couldn’t get close enough to Kuchel to do so.

“But Erwin, did you give him his present, Levi-”

_“Please.”_ Levi cried, his lower lip trembling as he squirmed his way back into his mother’s arms, far too upset to be embarrassed about wanting her to hold him like that in front of other people.

For a moment Kuchel was quiet, and she shifted as if to glance in the direction of Erwin’s father. Perhaps she said something to him that Levi didn’t hear, but either way, he nodded in understanding - after all, he had a son who was sometimes difficult too - as Kuchel stood back up and grabbed her purse.

“Alright, Levi. It’s okay, come on.” She said soothingly, realizing that regardless of what had happened, Levi clearly did not want to talk about it in front of everyone.

She picked him up - he was still small enough for her to do so - and he rested his head on her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her neck, his tiny body shaking with lingering sobs as he fought to breathe in between them. As she carried him out, Levi glimpsed Erwin standing at the entrance to the room, Marie behind him from where they’d followed him downstairs. Erwin looked more worried and alarmed than Levi had ever seen him, but the concern on his face did nothing to make him feel better. Instead, it just made him cling to his mother even more, hiding his burning face against her clothing until they'd made it to the car.

“Levi, what's wrong?” His mother said then, once they were safely inside and Levi started to calm down - at least just a little.

“Erwin,” He started, wiping at his face and preparing to explain. “and Marie-”

At that, though, he stopped, because he'd had a sudden thought. What if his mom would think he was weird too? What if she would be upset at him for liking a boy? He wanted to tell her but he feared her response, and so just as abruptly as he'd opened it, Levi closed his mouth.

“What is it, Levi?” Kuchel asked, sensing his hesitance. “What about them?”

“Nothing. It doesn't matter.” Levi said then, looking away, shaking his head, but unable to stop a fresh wave of tears from spilling down his cheeks. “Can we just go home?”

He hiccuped but managed to stop a sob, hoping now that his mother didn't push because he knew she didn't believe him. To his relief she didn't, settling for sighing as she started the car and casting concerned glances in his direction while they rode in silence, handing him tissues from her purse every so often when his sniffling got too loud until they got home. At that point, Levi was no longer hysterical, but had planned on just retreating to his room to sulk in front of the television. He still felt bad, but he was too tired from the emotional day he’d had to protest when his mother told him they needed to talk about what happened.

Levi didn’t want to; he was scared, but Kuchel seemed to sense it because she told him to go lay down on her bed and she would bring him tea. That was his favorite drink, and when he’d been younger - before he had Erwin to play with - they would sometimes have a cup of it together in her room while watching movies. It was a comforting, familiar place for him, and even if normally he would bristle and protest because he was 8 years old and not a stupid baby anymore, he was too preoccupied with everything else to care.

Dragging himself to Kuchel’s room, Levi climbed onto the bed and sat against the pillows, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, glaring at the blankets while he waited for his mother. She brought him a cup of tea a few minutes later and sat next to him, and after he'd had a few sips of it, he shifted until he was lying down, curled up in a ball with his head in her lap.

He hadn’t forgotten that Kuchel had said they needed to talk, and he was anxious and nervous about what she was going to ask him, and still worried that she would chastise him or get angry about something that he didn’t think he could help. Briefly he considered lying about what happened, but what could he say? He wasn’t a very good liar, at least not to his mother. Erwin would probably be able to come up with something, he mused, before the thought of him reminded Levi of everything all over again and he had to blink away more tears.

“Levi, how does Erwin make you feel?” Kuchel asked then as if she could read Levi’s mind, pushing his hair back soothingly with her palm and speaking in a gentle voice.

The question made Levi tense up though, because why was she asking him that? What did she mean? Did she already know what was going on without Levi even having to say anything? If she did he realized she didn’t sound mad or anything, but he still bit his lip and buried his face in her lap before answering her question.

“Good.” He muttered, his heart naturally starting to beat faster as he thought about Erwin. “He's my friend.”

“Yes, I know. He’s your best friend, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

“And you like him?”

“Yeah.” Levi responded, his brows drawing down further and further at this line of questioning.

_Of course_ he liked Erwin, he’d just said Erwin was his friend, didn’t he? Why was his mother-

“Do you ever think you might like him as more than a friend?”

The question made Levi’s eyes go wide from where he was still hiding them, because his mother had hit the nail right on the head. She’d asked in the same calming tone as she had been this entire time, her hand still petting his hair while the other rested on his back. She definitely wasn’t angry, he realized, because she was trying to make him feel better. What would she say if he told her the truth, though?

“If you do, Levi, there’s nothing wrong with that. You don’t have to tell me, but if it helps, I’m not going to be upset with you.” Kuchel continued when Levi remained silent, causing him to realize that by not answering he’d basically admitted it anyway.

“I...I don’t know.” He finally managed in a small voice, his eyes welling up all over again. “That's not what the other kids say.”

“I don’t want you to listen to what the other kids say. What you’re feeling might be different to what they tell you is normal, but there’s nothing wrong with it. There are other people like that too everywhere, and some of them might not understand that yet. Some of them might not ever understand, but that doesn’t mean they’re right, and I want you to know that no matter how you feel about Erwin or anyone else, I’m your mother, and I’ll always love you. Nothing will ever change that, alright?”

The tears that had welled in Levi’s eyes before had spilled over while Kuchel talked, running down his face in waves while he cried into her dress. Her words made him feel upset all over again, but he felt relieved too, glad that his mother understood without him even having to say it and that she didn’t think he was weird. He was still too young to fully fathom much of the gravity of what she was saying and what he was learning about himself, but the fact that she was reassuring him at least made him feel a little less confused.

“Erwin and Marie.” He started a few moments later, ready to tell her what had happened now that he knew she wouldn’t get angry with him. “She has a crush on him. And...and, I-”

“Do you have a crush on Erwin too?” Kuchel interrupted, saying the words for Levi because he was having trouble.

He flushed when he heard her and paused, his stomach fluttering nervously from where he was still lying curled against her. Bracing himself because he knew he had to answer her question though, he clenched his fists on the bed, taking a deep breath and finally nodding once.

“It’s alright.” Kuchel said again. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t matter if he’s a boy.”

“He’s nice to me.” Levi said then, spurred on by the comfort provided by Kuchel. Now that he’d admitted it, Levi had already begun to feel a little better, and he couldn’t help but want to tell his mother about Erwin more. Continuing shyly, he shifted on the bed to wipe his eyes, and almost even smiled again when he remembered what Erwin had asked him at the party. “He told me I could be his second-in-command on the playground.”

“Does Erwin have a crush on Marie?” Kuchel asked, making Levi slump down over her again.

“I don’t know.” He said sourly, sniffling at just the thought.

At that point, Kuchel had to tell Levi some hard truths, about how Erwin might not like boys and even if he did, he might only want to be Levi's friend. At that point, that was fine with Levi because he certainly didn't want Erwin to _not_ be his friend even if it meant they couldn't hold hands, and even if he liked Marie. At that point, Levi had not even begun to contemplate telling Erwin about his crush, but his mother’s words made him realize that it would need to remain a secret. She told him that she didn't think Erwin would consider him weird for liking a boy - Erwin’s father would have said the same things she'd just told Levi about it being okay, she said - but he didn't want to do anything to make Erwin not want to be his friend.

It would be hard to keep that inside of him sometimes, Levi would learn, but right then he didn't know, and was instead just comforted from the talk he'd had with his mother. Later, he would be infinitely grateful for how sweet, calm, and understanding she had been in that moment, because as Levi grew older and wiser, he saw that not everyone had that luxury. It was good, because things with Erwin would only continue to grow more difficult and complicated for him, but they would have been even worse had he not had the love and support he needed to begin discovering new things about himself.

In other words, had he not been able to tell his mother that he was gay before he even knew what that entailed, really, the struggle of dealing with his feelings for Erwin later on would've been a lot harder if he'd still thought that there was something wrong with him. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At Levi’s comment, Marie rolled her eyes dramatically, and then stared at Erwin for a few moments more as if she thought he was going to help her. When it became clear that he wasn’t because for some reason, his eyes were actually fixed on Levi rather than her, she finally turned to glare at him, planting her hands on her hips before she smiled.
> 
> “It doesn’t matter.” She said, continuing as Levi’s brows drew down in confusion. “Even if Erwin invited you, and even if he keeps talking to you while he’s here with me it doesn’t mean he likes you like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really long and I had a lot of trouble with it, so I hope everything makes sense. If it does, thank @takonomz on twitter for being my beta reader :P

Levi and Erwin were, unfortunately, both 13.

They had become teenagers almost overnight, suddenly caught in the midst of hormones and mood swings and puberty. Their voices changed and so did their bodies, and nearly every other aspect of their lives as well. School became more difficult and their social lives became more complicated, and just like hide and seek on the playground had turned into more imaginative games of soldiers and navy battles when they’d grown into older children, those in turn became more ‘grown-up’ activities like spin the bottle or truth or dare. 

“Have you ever kissed a girl before?” Nile asked Erwin one day, while he and Levi and a few others were gathered at their neighborhood bus stop one morning.

“No.” Erwin said, his response heard immediately by Levi's perked up ears.

He was sitting on the curb throwing pebbles into the nearby gutter while the other boys stood around, and although he hadn't expected it, Nile’s questioning gaze next turned on him.

“What about you Levi?”

Levi stopped what he was doing and closed his fist around the rock he was holding, glancing up at Nile before his eyes darted to his friends. They were all staring at him expectantly, waiting for an answer, and so after another second’s pause he just shook his head once and looked away. It wasn't a lie; he hadn't kissed a girl. The problem was he didn't want to but couldn’t admit that, and he had no idea how he was supposed to pretend like he even cared.

Luckily, none of them seemed to think anything strange about his response because Mike was asked next, and when he just replied with a smirk and a sniff, a dozen other questions were immediately launched his way by an indignant Nile.

“No way!” He shouted at the top of his lungs. “Who did you kiss?! What was it like?!”

After much grilling, the boys found out that Mike had kissed Nanaba before. A few years ago he would've been teased relentlessly for having cooties, but now he was suddenly someone to be revered, an impressive figure amongst their peers for doing something that they had not. Lately, it had seemed like kissing was all everyone was concerned with, and although it was making things more difficult for Levi, he sort of understood. He would like to have a kiss too, but there was only one person in particular he wanted to do it with.

“The dance is in two weeks.” Nile continued, unbothered when Levi threw a rock that bounced off the ground and hit his backpack. “Marie said we could come over to her house afterward, and that if her parents leave us alone we can play spin the bottle.”

A few awed whispers rose up at that, but none, Levi noticed, came from Erwin. Instead he just blinked, cocking his head a bit until Levi tossed a rock at him next. It was small and it landed on the toe of his shoe, and when he felt it, he turned to Levi and smiled.

“I don't know how to do it. Is it hard? Who do you want to kiss?” Were some of the questions that came up in the discussion the boys were still having - most of them directed at Mike since he had experience - but Levi had stopped listening the moment Erwin's blue eyes shifted in his direction.

They were bright, soft in their gaze and set above Erwin's cheeks, reddened by the cold, and coupled with the way that he was still smiling at him, it was no surprise that it all made Levi begin to flush. As soon as he felt it he looked away, averting his eyes down to where he'd been picking up rocks. A moment later, he froze though, because Erwin suddenly took a step forward and sat down beside him.

“Not interested in playing spin the bottle, Levi?” He asked, a teasing note lacing his tone. Levi shook his head and bit his lip, and Erwin nodded in agreement. “I don't know if I do either.”

Inwardly, Levi rolled his eyes. He knew why  _ he _ didn't want to play spin the bottle, but there was no way Erwin was unsure about it for the same reasons. He liked girls, a fact which Levi had been sure of since not long after that fateful day at Erwin's birthday party, when he and Marie had become the closest thing two nine year olds could get to boyfriend and girlfriend.

It hadn't lasted long because they'd just been children, but it had been enough to confirm Levi's suspicions about how he and Erwin were different, and enough to make him sure that his secret crush on Erwin was forever going to have to remain just that: a secret. Needless to say, nothing about Levi's decision or his presumptions about Erwin changed much in the years leading up to when they became teenagers, because while Erwin showed more and more interest in girls, Levi wanted less and less to do with them.

He hadn't ever had much to begin with - at least in any other aspect besides friendship - but now it was worse, because although the reason for Levi keeping his secret remained the same, nearly everything else seemed to change around his 12th birthday, including whatever shreds of innocence he still retained regarding his feelings about boys.

It started with his voice though. First, it began cracking and then the pitch would change, sometimes going back and forth from high to low while he was talking in the same sentence. It happened all the time for what seemed like half a year, embarrassing him over and over again and causing him to develop a mild stutter. It was because he feared that the next word out of his mouth might sound high and stupid so he talked slowly, but ironically, it just made everything worse. It went away eventually once he could finally speak without the potential for mortification, but until then, Levi found himself becoming more quiet than he had been before he’d gotten over his shyness as a child.  

As if that wasn’t bad enough, his face decided that it would rather be more oily than his uncle’s hair and covered in gross, red blemishes rather than the soft, smooth skin it'd had before too, so much so that sometimes Levi could not even look in the mirror without cringing. Every time he went out he felt like all anyone was looking at were his pimples, and nothing he did seemed to help. It was annoying, painful, and uncontrollable, and so for that matter, was his dick. 

No sooner had Levi hit puberty than he found himself burdened with erections that would spring up out of nowhere, usually at the most inopportune times and for reasons that he couldn't even pinpoint. It happened almost every single day, sometimes more than once, and although he quickly learned how to hide it, it was still distracting and stressful, mostly because no matter how well he tucked it up under his waistband he still always felt like he was on the edge of a potentially mortifying situation. 

All of those things were pretty bad, Levi thought, but in the end, he honestly didn't consider them to be as awful as what bothered him the most during his early teenage years: his height. For some reason, that barely changed at all while nearly every single other part of his body did, and Levi found himself watching while all his peers sprouted up like trees around him. Suddenly, he had to glance up to look most of them in the eye, and even had to push himself up onto his toes a bit if he wanted to be even close to the same height as the taller kids like Erwin.

Naturally, Erwin had somehow grown more than anyone else in their class except for Mike. It had happened almost overnight, and while Levi did get a little taller, it wasn't enough for him to keep up with the rest of his peers. The next thing he knew he’d become the butt of jokes for many of the crueler children in his grade, most of whom weren’t afraid of him anymore now that they were bigger than him.

Of course, they would learn the hard way that just because Levi was small it didn’t mean that he could no longer hold his own, because if anything, he had just become more scrappy since he now felt like he had to prove something. After a few fights they eventually left him alone again, but it wasn’t soon enough for Levi to not get several suspensions from school, and it wasn’t soon enough for him to not become so self-conscious of his height that he was filled with near crippling insecurity either. 

The acne and the issues with his voice made it worse, and, well, the fact that he became increasingly more aware of his attraction to boys the older he grew did too. He’d come a long way from the innocent, childlike crush he’d had on Erwin when he’d been 8 years old, realizing that Erwin was not just an exception to what might otherwise be a ‘normal’ sexuality. No, Erwin would not be the only boy he ever found himself looking at with less than innocent interest, but in the end, he would be the only one that Levi ever truly wanted. His crush on Erwin never went away even if he had brief fascinations with other males - usually older guys like the tall, blue-eyed cashier at the grocery store who Kuchel always insisted on embarrassing him in front of, and who Levi wouldn’t have had any kind of chance with anyway - and instead of disappearing, it just got worse. 

“Levi.” Erwin whispered to him in the dark of his room on the night that he first felt it turn into something more, months before the conversation with Nile at the bus stop and the worrisome prospect of things like spin the bottle. “I want to show you something.”

“What is it?” Levi asked, stirring from where he’d been laying in his sleeping bag on the floor.

He was spending the night over at Erwin’s and they were supposed to be asleep because it was past midnight, but after Erwin’s dad had gone to bed and his house went silent, Erwin apparently had gotten other ideas. 

“You’ll see.” Erwin answered. 

He slid off his bed and went for his laptop, and before Levi knew it, they had crowded around it on the floor while Erwin pulled up the last thing Levi would have ever expected: pornography. 

“I found it on accident.” He mumbled when Levi looked over at him, the expression on his face a mix between shock and affront. 

He wasn’t mad, but he hadn’t been prepared for sudden pictures of naked grown-up girls and videos of men and women doing things together that had his eyes practically bulging out of his head - mostly because he knew he was looking at adult stuff that he shouldn’t be seeing. 

“How?” He breathed in a strained voice, from where he’d pulled his sleeping bag over his head and pressed his hands to his face, struggling to keep himself from growing flustered and to comprehend what it even was that he was watching.

He didn’t fully understand it yet, but he knew that he was looking at something significant and supposed-to-be-private, and even if he didn’t know exactly why, he felt embarrassed to be seeing it all in front of Erwin. 

“I was reading about the Spartans.” Erwin explained, focused on the screen. “Something popped up, and-”   


Levi didn’t hear the rest of what he said because the man in the video had just made a sound that caused him to freeze in some strange mixture of shame, intrigue, and awe, but he had no reason not to believe Erwin. It wouldn’t be the first time his curiosity had gotten him into trouble, after all, or led him to stumble across something that he probably shouldn’t have, and although Levi didn’t know what the Spartans were, he assumed it was some military thing Erwin was trying to learn about. Either way, he thought, as his mortification began to lessen a bit, it seemed clear that learning had for the first time apparently become the last thing on Erwin’s mind. 

While Levi had at first been overwhelmed with everything, Erwin was sitting next to him watching the video intently. He’d seen it before, of course, but while Levi found his attention span waning after he’d calmed down even when it showed the woman bouncing and writhing and moaning lewdly, Erwin was fully engrossed, staring at the images in front of him with a strange expression on his face. 

He looked like he did when he was paying attention to something that interested him - wide-eyed and unblinking - but there was something different about it, something that caught Levi’s gaze far more than the people on the screen did. Perhaps it was the way his mouth hung open like he was surprised, his lips parted, wet and shining the same pink color as his cheeks were. He was blushing, Levi realized as he looked at him, and perhaps that was what made him stare, or perhaps it was how his hair had fallen into his face boyishly from all of their lounging around instead. In reality, it wasn’t just one thing but all of it, and before Levi even knew what had hit him he found himself completely absorbed and drowning in Erwin’s looks. 

Levi had known he wasn’t  _ ugly _ ; he never had been, even when he got braces and even though he had really big eyebrows. But up until that point it had been more of a fact than anything else, until all of a sudden he realized that not only was Erwin  _ not  _ unattractive, he was cute, and it was also having a very strong effect on Levi that he couldn’t control. It was something he had started to notice little by little over the past year, but in that moment Levi felt it hit him harder than ever, and he found his face reddening furiously as he also began to feel another sensation begin to occur below his waist. 

By then he was all too familiar with it and knew what it was - his  _ boner  _ \- but this was the first time he'd ever gotten one because of Erwin. Erwin, who was his friend, and who Levi suddenly wanted to do a lot of decidedly non-friendly things with. Things like….well, he wasn't sure exactly, maybe like what the man and the woman were doing in front of them on the screen? That thought made Levi’s face and ears burn so much that he felt like he was going to melt, because that lady had put her mouth on her partner’s privates and now she was on top of him with it  _ in her _ \- it  _ was _ in her, right? - and imagining himself doing that with Erwin filled Levi with a flurry of emotions so intense that he suddenly had to look away, burying his face into his arms right there where he was lying on Erwin's bedroom floor underneath his sleeping bag. 

Up until that point Erwin had been solely focused on the screen, concentrating on what he was watching and completely oblivious to Levi's staring. It was because he liked the woman, Levi would later think sourly, reflecting that it had mostly centered on her which was probably why his own interest had drifted.

“Levi?” He whispered in the dark at that point though, reaching over to grasp his shoulder after Levi’s shift in position finally got his attention. “What's wrong?”

Levi wanted to say nothing, that he was fine, but what came out was a surprised gasp instead because Erwin's fingers had brushed against his face. It hadn't scared him but rather had done the opposite, causing a swell of something hot to twist up in his belly even though it had been an accident. Suddenly he wanted to touch Erwin's hand or kiss him like all their friends always talked about, the urge to do it so strong and out of the blue that it almost scared him.

It made him guilty too though because Erwin was his friend, and even if Levi knew he still liked him, he'd never struggled with it as much as he suddenly was in that moment. He shouldn't be thinking such indecent things about Erwin, he thought, especially because he was a boy and he knew that Erwin didn’t even like them like that. 

“Are you sick?” Erwin asked, oblivious to his struggle and thankfully moving his hand off of Levi's shoulder to stop the porn. “Are you... _ oh. _ Never mind.”

At that, Levi managed to peek up at Erwin from over his arm questioningly, because he'd stopped talking like he'd figured out what was bothering Levi, except, well, that couldn’t be it, because Erwin had gone rigid and his eyes had become unfocused like there was something wrong with him instead. 

“What?” Levi mumbled, watching him remain silent for a moment like he hadn’t even heard Levi’s question.

He appeared deep in thought or distracted, and he stayed that way for just another second longer before blinking and allowing his gaze to dart back to Levi. His face, Levi saw, was unmistakably deepening in color, and although he didn’t look flustered, he swallowed once as he looked down towards Levi's legs and back up again before finally speaking.

“It's nothing, it doesn't matter.” He said, his close surveillance making Levi want to squirm. “Would you like to do something else?”

Levi had thought Erwin was never going to ask. Whatever was happening right then was weird and made him feel awkward, and although Erwin's strange and confusing behavior had made him curious, Levi was willing to ignore it and move on at the drop of a hat. “Yeah. Like what?”

“I don't know.” Erwin said though, his indecisiveness causing Levi to raise an eyebrow. “I have to go to the bathroom first.”

Before Levi could even say okay, Erwin was rolling over onto his side so that his back was to him, standing up and padding out of the room as fast as he could. He opened his bedroom door and shut it behind him quickly, leaving Levi lying there in the silent darkness more confused than ever. Erwin was acting weird and he couldn’t fathom why, unless he had somehow figured out what Levi was thinking about and was mad or uncomfortable. 

The thought was nearly enough to send him into a panic, and although Erwin eventually came back ten minutes later like nothing had happened, Levi never forgot the intense anxiety he’d gotten in response to the notion that his feelings had done something to ruin their friendship. That was the last thing he wanted, and he’d known it since he’d first realized he had a crush on Erwin when he’d been 8 years old. The only problem was, he was older now, and what had been innocent and relatively inconsequential to him at that time had now become a lot more serious. It had turned into his first real adult crush, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t ignore it or make it go away. 

It was hard when all of his peers and friends suddenly cared about was kissing and touching girls and things like that anyway, causing him to daydream about locking lips with Erwin and how much he’d like to be close to him when the conversations started up. He couldn’t help it and it wasn’t like he had anything to contribute anyway, but he still felt guilty for it and when he didn’t, he was miserable instead, because it was just his luck that he was not the only one who apparently had his sights set on Erwin.

Unfortunately, the person who had upset Levi at Erwin’s birthday party had never really gone away. Marie had remained friends with Erwin and the other kids they hung out with, and had grown up too, into a tall, bubbly, pretty young woman who liked to flirt. She did it with Erwin often - much to Levi’s absolute chagrin - making him feel jealous and surly whenever she was around and stole Erwin’s attention from him. 

His only consolation was that Erwin didn’t really do it back, but he did nothing to stop her either, and Levi had to watch her giggle coyly at whatever he said whether it was actually funny or not, playfully touch his hand, or lean against him whenever she wanted when he would have given almost anything just to be able to hug Erwin again like they’d done when they were kids.

He couldn’t, though, because he was terrified that it would give him away. Erwin finding out about his secret was his absolute worst nightmare, and although at times he wished he could tell him that he liked boys and just leave out the other part, he feared that too because what if Erwin thought he was weird? What if it made him uncomfortable and he didn’t want to be friends anymore? Losing him would make Levi feel more alone than he already did because he felt so different from everyone else, but unfortunately, despite his best intentions, by the time his 14th birthday began to draw close he felt like their relationship was slipping.

It was because of Marie, Levi thought sourly all the time, because she made Levi not want to be around everyone. Her presence caused him to dive headfirst into a bad mood every time he saw her, but that wasn’t just it. It was hard for him to be around Erwin too when sometimes he felt so much affection for him that he wanted to burst, and when Erwin would say or do things on accident that caused him to have yet another one of his near uncontrollable boners. With all of the uncertainty and insecurity and loneliness he felt, he became depressed at times, and although Erwin frequently noticed his gloom, Levi could never tell him what was truly bothering him when he asked.

Needless to say, his social life by the time Nile had mentioned spin the bottle to everyone at the bus stop was a wreck, anxiety inducing for him too and more like a burden because of everything he was hiding. Later he would think that the fact that he was a teenager just made it all seem about ten times more dramatic than it actually was, but at the time it was almost unbearable, and unfortunately, it would only get worse before it got better.

“Levi.” Erwin said to him, the afternoon after Nile’s conversation about kissing. They’d gotten out of school and gone to get slushies together at the local convenience store, and up until that point Levi had been enjoying a rare moment of getting to spend time alone with just Erwin. Now, though, Erwin was fixing him with a serious look and speaking in a tone that suggested he was about to ask him something life-changing, and Levi had a sudden, gripping, nervous feeling in his chest. “Are you going to the dance?”

Immediately, he frowned. Erwin had been vague, but he knew what he was referring to: the school winter dance that Nile had mentioned. It was two weeks away, and although he hadn’t been planning on going, that and the party Marie was apparently having after were the only things the other kids had been talking about at school for the past month. 

“No.” He answered, raising an eyebrow. “It’s gonna be stupid. Why?”

Erwin looked down at the table and then smiled, and although it was just barely a hint of one, it made Levi’s heart flutter. For just a moment, anyway, before it suddenly sank down into his stomach in a disappointed pit. “Marie asked me.” 

“What?” Levi said, his voice raising. “Like, as a date?!”

“Yes.” Erwin answered quietly, frowning now at Levi's very obvious displeasure. 

It made him feel bad, and he sighed and slumped down in his chair, biting his lip and trying to calm himself. Naturally, he felt annoyed at Marie first and foremost, but mostly he felt crestfallen. It was stupid and pointless for a variety of reasons, but no matter how much Levi hated school functions, he would have gone with Erwin if he had asked him. He’d never dreamed about it up until that point because it was impossible, but now that it seemed like Erwin might be going with someone else, he couldn’t help but let it get to him. After a moment of thinking though, he realized that wasn’t Erwin’s fault, and getting mad because of it would just turn him into a huge jerk.

“Are you going?” He made himself ask with that realization, meeting Erwin's eyes and managing to keep the grimace off his face, and hopefully sounding encouraging enough for him to feel like he could continue.

“I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not sure if I want to.” 

“Well, do you like her like that?”

“I don’t know.” Erwin said again, pausing for a moment and drawing his brows down. He looked like he was thinking, and Levi’s frown grew deeper. “Maybe. But I thought it would be fun if everyone went together, as just friends. Why don’t you want to go?”

Levi barely heard Erwin’s question over the sudden, overwhelming sense of crushing disappointment he felt just from Erwin’s admission that he  _ might  _ like Marie, but somehow, he managed to keep his face straight and answer him. “I told you. It’s gonna suck.”

“Is it because you don’t have anyone to go with?” Erwin said, causing Levi to scowl again and roll his eyes.

“No.” He responded forcefully and with annoyance in his tone, averting his eyes to stare down at the ground because he suddenly couldn’t meet Erwin’s gaze.

Of course, Erwin didn’t look away, and even though Levi couldn’t see him he could sense his stare, could almost picture the way his blue eyes were boring into him like he was trying to figure him out. He was good at it, and although Levi feared, as always, he would suspect Levi was hiding something, he couldn’t help but blush the tiniest bit either because of how Erwin continued to look at him. 

“You could ask Hange.” Erwin proposed a second later, causing Levi to jerk his head back up, disbelief now written all over his face that he had even been stupid enough to ask that. “As a friend.”

“Hange smells like sweaty gym shorts.” Levi snorted, setting his slushie down and crossing his arms.

It wasn’t  _ meant  _ to be an insult; Levi got along with Hange fairly well, and they were one of his closest friends along with Erwin, Mike, and Nanaba. However, that didn’t mean he wanted to take Hange as his date to a school dance, friend or not, because they were always dirty and unkempt and  _ weird _ , and doing all the things that one would be required to do with them that night sounded like a horrible, embarrassing nightmare. 

“I knew you would say that.” Erwin replied, smiling a bit.

He laughed too at Levi’s joke, and Levi watched him with lidded eyes and a soft expression that he couldn't help, taking in the way Erwin's still-plump cheeks dimpled, at how his breath fogged in the cold air from between his red lips. His blonde hair shone in the sunlight and Levi felt the familiar longing he often had now to be able to kiss him, to press his foot up against Erwin’s booted toes underneath the table, or even to grab his hand and hold it tightly like he’d often wanted to do when they were kids. That desire had never really gone away, but Levi knew that if he did so now, nothing about it would be innocent or meaningless like it had been before. 

“Come on, Levi.” Erwin said next, somehow oblivious to the way Levi had just been staring at him. “I know you don't like Marie that much, but if Hange and Mike and Nanaba are there it won’t be that bad, right?”

Inwardly, Levi groaned because he could already feel himself giving in - mainly because it made him feel nice that Erwin was trying to include him when he didn’t have to. He always did that, but no matter how hard he tried, Levi could not find his idea appealing in the least. Hange, Mike, and Nanaba were his friends, yes, and Levi did not mind hanging out with  _ them _ , but they wouldn’t make things any better for him if Erwin went to the dance with Marie as his date. Just the thought was enough to make him feel sad and jealous and  _ awful _ , and he didn’t know if he’d be able to stand it if he had to actually watch them together as a couple.

In fact, imagining it made him feel half panicked, because what if Erwin decided he did like her like that? What if they started going out and became boyfriend and girlfriend for real this time, and Erwin forgot all about Levi because he was always with her? What if they kissed? What if they held hands in front of him? What if Erwin fell in love with her and it ruined their friendship? Levi felt heartbroken thinking about all of it, but by the end of the day, Erwin had convinced him to agree to go to the dance despite all of his internal reservations. 

“I’ll be there.” He’d told Levi in the end, his hopeful smile and reassuring tone being the thing that caused him to finally give in. “I’ll make sure you have someone to talk to, okay?” 

Levi had nodded even as his ears burned, and even as he thought that the only person he’d want to talk to there would be Erwin himself. Erwin, who he couldn’t help but imagine as  _ his  _ date to the function, holding his hand and dancing with him, maybe even kissing him after and at the very least, not paying any attention to Marie whatsoever. It was fruitless to think about, but at that moment and at that age, it was what he wanted more than anything.

He knew it couldn’t be though, and in the days after he’d agreed to go, he felt like he was just waiting for Erwin to come up and tell him that he’d decided to go with Marie. Honestly, he didn’t see any reason why Erwin wouldn’t, especially if he thought he might like her. She was pretty and popular and wanted to go with Erwin even though he wasn’t very high on the social ladder himself, and if he wanted a girlfriend what other prospects did he have? 

He’d never really acted like he cared whether he had one or not unlike most of their peers, but it wasn’t like it was because he wanted a boyfriend instead. Even if he did, Levi thought after his worrying and negativity had gotten the best of him, he would never like him that way, because he was short and awkward and had a too-round red face covered in pimples, and Erwin would never see him as anything other than his stupid, tag-along childhood friend. 

Sure enough, a week before the dance Erwin confirmed what Levi had been sure was going to happen this entire time: he had accepted Marie’s invitation to the dance. He was going to be her date and Levi took that as proof that Erwin decided he liked her, and no matter how much he'd expected it, it made Levi so upset that he faked sick so he could leave early from school. It was a Friday and for the rest of the weekend he barely ate or left his room, ignoring his mother and any texts from Erwin he received because he was too despondent to talk to anyone. He moped around and brushed off his homework too, and tried to figure out a way that he could get out of going to the dance without upsetting anyone. 

He couldn’t come up with one though because he was afraid that it would make Erwin mad, but afraid that if he  _ did  _ go, he’d get upset himself like a stupid baby and end up in an embarrassing situation. Worst of all, Erwin might find out the truth, because how else could he explain it? Either way it seemed like his entire life was over because Erwin and Marie were surely going to become a couple now, and as a young teenager, Levi was sure that this was the absolute worst thing that had ever happened to him.

It wasn't until Sunday night that his bad mood finally lifted a little, thanks to his mother who knocked on his door about an hour after he’d refused dinner. 

“Levi?” Kuchel asked. “Can I talk to you? Are you dressed?”

Levi made a face at her words - she had insisted on asking him that every time she wanted to come into his room since he’d deflected her question about what he’d been doing with all of his socks - but mumbled an okay a moment later, muting his television and fixing her with what he hoped was a disinterested, blank expression when she entered. 

“Is everything okay?” She asked hesitantly upon catching sight of him, frowning in concern when he just shrugged and watched her sit down beside him on the bed. “You’ve barely come out of your room all weekend.”

“So?” He responded, glowering already at what he anticipated to be a coming lecture.

Kuchel did not immediately chastise him, however, but instead bit her lip, pausing as if to think before she spoke again.

“Mr. Smith called me today.” She said, watching Levi carefully for his reaction.

He knew what she was doing - trying to read him - and that he ought to hide any interest, but unfortunately, no matter how much he wanted to he just couldn’t. He averted his eyes and scoffed at first, yes, but Kuchel failed to elaborate, and it only took a few seconds for him to glance back at her with irritation. 

“Why?” He asked, an edge to his voice. 

It was meant to convince his mother that despite the fact that he had relented and asked what Erwin’s dad wanted, he wasn’t happy about it, and was sure that whatever the reason for his call was it would probably turn out to be stupid.

“He says that Erwin told him you haven’t been talking all weekend, and that he’s upset. Did something happen?”

Immediately, Levi’s uncaring facade was broken, and he tensed up, rolling over onto his side on the bed so that his mother couldn’t see his face. It was because it had fallen, he was sure, from the sudden ache he’d felt in his chest at the confirmation that after all his worrying about upsetting Erwin, he’d ended up doing it anyway. 

“No.” He mumbled, now wishing that his mother wasn’t in the room. 

“Then why aren’t you talking to him? Is this why you’ve been up here all weekend?”

“ _ No _ , mom.” Levi spat, his attitude made even worse by the fact that he was now starting to feel upset himself, of course.

“Does this have something to do with the dance?”

“No. It doesn’t matter!”

The words were similar to what he had told her that day after Erwin’s birthday party, but this time, no matter how much he needed comfort he wasn’t going to give in and tell her the truth. He was too old and there was too much of a disconnect between him and Kuchel now, because he’d grown into an age where confiding in her about such things was weird and mortifying. In fact, he was flustered just at the thought of her knowing what was going on, but fortunately, she knew that and accepted it. 

She could sense when her son didn’t want to talk and didn’t usually press, but in this case, it was probably because she already knew what was bothering him anyway. It was a possibility that he’d always kept in the back of his mind after she’d figured him out before, and a fact which caused him to now become so embarrassed that he began squirming away from her when she confirmed it, speaking again while sweeping slow, gentle fingers through his hair and grabbing his hand.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” She said simply, ignoring his obstinance when he jerked away. “I know it’s hard.”

At that, Levi felt the tears he was barely holding back start to prick at his eyes, and he curled up into a ball, shoving his face into his pillow and leaning away from Kuchel’s touch. 

“Just leave me alone.” He sniffed wetly, squeezing his lids shut and waiting until he heard her sigh, climb off the bed, and close his door behind her before he finally let himself cry. 

An hour later, after much debate and the realization of what he had to do, he texted Erwin. 

_ hey. _ He said, biting his lip and staring at his phone until he got a response.

_ Levi. _ Erwin answered.  _ Are you mad at me? _

_ no, i was sick. sorry. _

_ Oh, it’s alright. Do you feel better? _

_ i guess. _

_ :-) _

That was the extent of their conversation that night, but it was enough to make Levi feel a little better. He still was miserable over the thought of Erwin dating Marie, but there was nothing he could do about it, and overall, he knew that he didn’t want to damage his friendship with Erwin over it either. He feared that it would end up happening regardless, but Erwin’s texts to him had cheered him up enough that he felt like leaving his room, grabbing some dinner,  and even curling up next to his mother on the couch as a silent apology to her for the attitude he’d exhibited earlier.

After that, there was only a week left before the dance, and despite everything else nothing could stop Levi from dreading it, not even the excitement Erwin seemed to hold for the event when he talked about it with him. That was practically all the time, as even though he was Marie’s date, they were all going together in a big group and Erwin kept asking Levi things like where he wanted to eat before and what he was wearing, and whether he wanted to ride with them on the way there and then to Marie’s house afterwards.

He wasn’t sure about that last one, and he also wasn’t sure why Erwin was asking him all of that stuff when he had assumed Marie would be the one deciding. Either way, no matter how much input Levi had it still turned out to be  _ almost  _ as miserable as he had imagined it all this time, with the only consolation being that from the get go, Erwin still wasn’t very responsive towards all of Marie’s flirting. 

Levi didn’t notice at first because he tried not to watch them once the night of the dance rolled around and Marie dragged Erwin away from him the first chance she got, but he couldn’t help it when they were seated at dinner and Levi got stuck right across from them. He was in the perfect position to witness nearly every single movement Erwin and Marie made, from the way she laid her head on his shoulder so that her perfectly curled hair fell down his chest, to how she held onto his arm and giggled at every single thing he said. 

It was fucking disgusting, Levi thought, unable to keep himself from channeling his uncle’s bad language in that moment, but at least Erwin wasn’t doing it back. In fact, he was ignoring her affections for the most part, and when they left the restaurant and Marie tried to grab his hand, Levi saw Erwin jerk his away and shove it into his pocket. He either pretended not to notice the slightly hurt look Marie gave him or didn’t see it, but either way, it made Levi raise his eyebrows all the same.

Perhaps Erwin had decided he didn’t like her after all, but hadn’t been able to back out of going to the dance with her. That was probably wishful thinking on his part though, because once they were in the car she cuddled up next to him and Erwin didn’t do anything to stop it. At the dance, too, he took pictures with her and brought her punch and slow danced with her, but through it all, kept coming back to sit at the table Levi had parked himself at to talk to him whenever he could too. 

Levi might think it was curious had he not assumed Erwin was just keeping his promise to make sure that he always had someone to talk to, but towards the end of the night he began to grow irritated because why was Erwin even wasting his time? Did he feel sorry for him? That was the last thing he wanted, but the fact that it seemed to be annoying Marie more than him kept him from asking.

Every time Erwin would come over to sit beside him Marie would show up not long after and drag him off, casting Levi not-so-subtle glares and dirty looks behind Erwin’s back. It just made him roll his eyes because he didn’t care whether Marie liked him or not - he certainly didn’t like  _ her _ , after all - and actually found himself feeling a little smug that she was jealous of him for once instead of vice versa. Not that it really mattered because Erwin was her date and not his, but it wasn’t like Levi ever had much to feel good about, and in the end, her obvious irritation was what made him decide to accompany everyone to the party she was throwing after the dance. Before, he’d been plotting a way to get out of it and thought he could without it being too much of a big deal, but after overhearing her ask Erwin if he was going in a dispirited voice, there was now no way in hell he was backing out.

“Are you coming?” Erwin asked him though, about a second after his conversation with Marie had ended. 

The question was posed in the same hopeful tone he’d spoken in when he’d asked if Levi was going to the dance, and the smile he wore when staring at him would have probably caused him to give in even if he already hadn’t decided. Erwin looked so hot that night that Levi honestly wanted to die, dressed in a nice button down shirt and a silk tie. It was blue and matched his eyes perfectly - and the rubber bands on his braces too, Levi noticed when he smiled widely enough - and the way his hair was combed neatly to the side made him look a lot older than his 14 years. Or at least, that’s what Levi thought, and he found himself thinking next that right then, Erwin could probably convince him to run naked down the school halls with a clown hat on his head if he actually wanted to.

“Levi?” Erwin said at that point, interrupting his thoughts and making Levi realize that he hadn’t actually answered Erwin’s question.

He’d also been staring, and Erwin had definitely noticed. The knowledge made his ears and cheeks burn, and he looked away, but not before nodding quickly and witnessing the soft, pleased smile that appeared on Erwin’s face. 

Unfortunately, though, in agreeing to go to Marie’s party, Levi ended up having to deal with the reason that so many of the other kids were even going to it for in the first place: spin the bottle. He’d honestly forgotten; it had slipped his mind because of everything else he’d been worrying about, and it wasn’t until he found himself at the party and in Marie’s basement while her parents stayed upstairs - as unsupervised as a bunch of 13 and 14 year olds could be - that he remembered upon hearing Nile talking about it excitedly again.

Swearing under his breath, Levi’s heart jumped in his throat. Had he not forgotten this was going to happen he probably wouldn’t have come, because he certainly had no desire to play their stupid game. He didn’t want to kiss any girls and he didn’t want to know what would happen if he took a turn and the bottle landed on a boy, because all in all, the thought of having to pretend to be normal like everyone else just made him anxious. He was also shy and too afraid to kiss anyone even if it was all in good fun, and most of all, he didn’t want to see Erwin kiss Marie if it came down to that. 

Naturally, that seemed to be her plan, because about an hour after everyone had gotten there she decided to start the game, turning out the lights and making all the other kids sit in a circle on the floor. She had a bottle and tried to drag Erwin over, but just like he had told Levi that day at the bus stop, he was apparently unsure of whether he wanted to actually play. 

“Erwin, come  _ on! _ ” Marie begged though, taking his hand from where he was sitting next to Levi on the couch. “Please!”

Levi restrained himself from rolling his eyes, and instead watched with a forced blank expression as Erwin frowned and looked from Marie to the bottle on the floor and then to Levi, blinking at where he’d crossed his arms and sunk low into his seat. 

“Are you playing?” Erwin asked him, and immediately Levi shook his head.

“No.” He responded, scoffing venomously so that everyone listening to their conversation would hopefully be convinced that he didn’t care. 

“I don’t think I want to, Marie.” Erwin said almost as soon as Levi answered him, a subtle tone in his voice that Levi was able to recognize as relief. 

For some reason, the thought of spin the bottle made Erwin almost as uncomfortable as it did Levi, and he couldn’t help but feel glad that Erwin was obviously not in as big of a hurry to kiss Marie as she was him. Unlike Levi though, she was, of course, upset, and didn't know Erwin well enough to realize that he was tense about it. Apparently she'd reached her breaking point with his reluctance to fawn all over her like she was him and with Levi’s presence too, because suddenly the expression on her face went from sweet and amicable to nasty and full of anger. Her eyes flicked from Erwin to Levi within a second, giving him a glare that might have scared him if cared about what girls thought of him, and then back to Erwin again before speaking.

“He’s not your date, Erwin, I am.” She said, crossing her arms and scowling. 

“What?” Erwin responded, his eyebrows lifting in confusion.

“You said you wanted to go to the dance with me, but all night you’ve been talking to him more! I want you to play spin the bottle. Why are you saying no just because  _ he  _ did?!”

“That’s not why, Marie. I don’t want to play. And I invited Levi, I didn’t want him to feel left out-”

“I don’t care! You shouldn’t have invited him, not when we’re supposed to be on a date!”

Up until then, Levi had been watching the entire exchange between Erwin and Marie with a mild interest and a little smugness that she was so upset, but suddenly, he was angry. It flashed through him after her last comment, hot and sharp and hitting him so hard that it caused him to practically jump up out of his seat on the couch.

“Hey!” He snapped, clenching his fists and facing her. “Leave him alone.”

Throughout the entire argument, Erwin had remained cool and calm, and would no doubt have talked himself out of it eventually. He was perfectly capable of defending himself by then, but Levi had never fully let go of the protectiveness he’d developed for him as a child. He’d spent many days on the playground sticking up for him, and his first instinct was to do so now, as Marie’s aggression towards him was honestly pissing him off more than the way she was talking about his presence at the dance itself. He couldn’t help but interrupt, and it was no surprise that he’d done so given all of the strong, negative emotions he’d been experiencing for the past two weeks about this exact situation.

“I wasn’t talking to you, Levi.” She replied though, still staring at Erwin because she was apparently refusing to look at him now. “You need to mind your own business!”

“I’m pretty sure it’s my business when you’re talking shit about me right in front of my face.” Levi practically snarled, feeling more and more angry by the second. 

Why was she trying to make Erwin feel bad for being nice to him? Was it just because she didn’t like him? Was it because she wanted Erwin all to herself? That was probably it, and while it was a little understandable where she was coming from, yelling at Erwin for it in front of everyone at her party was not the way to go about discussing the issue.

At Levi’s comment, Marie rolled her eyes dramatically, and then stared at Erwin for a few moments more as if she thought he was going to help her. When it became clear that he wasn’t because for some reason, his eyes were actually fixed on Levi rather than her, she finally turned to glare at him, planting her hands on her hips before she smiled. 

“It doesn’t matter.” She said, continuing as Levi’s brows drew down in confusion. “Even if Erwin invited you, and even if he keeps talking to you while he’s here with me it doesn’t mean he likes you like that.”

At that, Levi's eyes widened for a single, heart stopping moment. All of the anger he felt was replaced by shock, because her words...well, her words implied that she knew, that she'd figured out how Levi felt about Erwin. How, though? She  _ couldn't _ know for sure; she had to be just guessing, but had he been that obvious? Either way, it didn't matter now, because his lack of a reaction to her comment had surely just confirmed her suspicions.

Instead of acting confused or denying it immediately like he should have, Levi had just gone silent out of surprise and stared at her. It was because that had been the last thing he’d ever expected her to say, and it had come so far out of left field that he hadn’t even been able to keep his face blank. The triumphant expression she was wearing in response now told Levi everything he needed to know - that he was found out, and nothing he could do or say would change that - and suddenly he felt panic, because Erwin was not the only person in the room who had overheard their argument.  _ Everyone _ had been listening thanks to Marie’s raised voice, and after looking around the room quickly before glancing back to her, Levi realized they were all staring at them with wide eyes. 

Swallowing, Levi felt his fingers dig into the palms of his clenched hands, struggling to keep himself under control even as his face flushed hot and red. He was mortified suddenly, and afraid, and even hurt, because despite the fact that everyone in the room including Erwin would now know his secret, the worst thing about all of it was that Marie was right. Erwin didn’t like him like that no matter what he did while he was with her, and nothing in the world was ever going to change that. 

“Fuck you.” He said under his breath, somehow managing to speak after a few silent, tense seconds, before turning, spinning around without even stopping to take a look at Erwin’s expression because he fled Marie’s basement.

He couldn’t be in there anymore; he just couldn’t. He was so upset that he could feel the beginnings of angry tears stinging the backs of his eyes, and he had already been embarrassed enough. He had to leave, and now beyond caring about the consequences of his fleeing like this, Levi fished around for his cell phone in his pocket as soon as he was outside so that he could call his mom.

It was like he was eight years old all over again, he thought as he dialed the number, realizing that once again, he was running away to his mother from Erwin and Marie like he had done all those years ago at Erwin’s birthday party. He felt ashamed for doing it because he was too old, embarrassed, and stupid - and not to mention angry at himself for letting this happen - but right then all he wanted to do was go home. 

“Mom.” He said in a strained voice when Kuchel answered, his throat feeling tight because he was trying so hard not to cry. 

_ “What’s wrong?”  _ She replied, immediately picking up on his distress just from the sound of his tone.  _ “Are you at Marie’s?” _

Levi sniffled pathetically, and then clenched his jaw. “Yeah. I want to come home.”

There was a second’s pause before his mother answered. 

“Alright.” She said, her voice soft. “I’m leaving now. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Levi hung up the phone after that, biting his lip and blinking rapidly to try to clear the moisture from his eyes. He stood there for a moment, trying to calm himself down because all he could think about was what might happen now, so distracted and worked up that he didn’t hear Erwin walking up behind him until he called his name. 

“Levi.” He said, his voice quiet but sounding loud in the silent darkness. “Are you okay?” 

“Shit-” Levi swore, twisting around to see Erwin approaching him. 

Immediately, he was filled with a fresh wave of humiliation and anxiety, this time coupled with a significant dose of fear too. It was because if all of the other kids had overheard Marie than Erwin certainly had too, and now, surely, he would know the truth. There was no way he’d missed what she’d said, and it wasn’t just revealing the secret he kept about liking boys, but the one that was even worse and potentially more destructive to their friendship than that: the fact that Levi had romantic feelings for him, a crush that he’d kept since he was 8 years old, and that had grown into something strong and less than innocent that he couldn’t get rid of.

Because of his panic, his first instinct was to run away, as all of a sudden he was filled with a raw, sinking fear in regards to what Erwin might have come out there to say to him. He was also mortified about the fact that he was barely keeping his tears in check, and after cursing, he turned back around to walk away, his feet taking him up Marie’s driveway from where he’d been standing outside her basement door. 

“Levi? Wait!” Erwin said, naturally following him without even skipping a beat, walking faster to catch up when he didn’t stop. “What are you doing?” 

Levi didn’t answer, and instead began to feel so overwhelmed with Erwin’s pursuit that his heart began pounding in his chest all over again. He was terrified that he’d come out there to put an end to their friendship, so full of fear and stricken with anxiousness from all the other damn kids knowing too that he was shaking. What was going to happen at school now? How many other students would they tell? Everyone was going to be talking about this, and he-

It was all too much, and suddenly, Levi felt like he couldn’t breath. That was what made him stop finally, as he was panicking too much and had lost control of himself. He couldn’t hide it anymore and he was gasping enough to where he wasn’t sure if he could even stand, and so he crouched down at the end of Marie’s driveway instead, burying his face into his arms as the tears he’d been struggling so hard to hold back finally released. 

“Levi! Are you okay?” He heard Erwin say a second later, his voice close now because he had caught up and knelt down beside him.

Now feeling like he was going to be sick, Levi shook his head, sniffling wetly and keeping his eyes squeezed shut. He tried to focus on breathing to get himself to calm down, and after a minute he managed to, somewhat. However, he was still too upset to let Erwin see him, scared to look into his face because he feared that if he glimpsed it he might see rejection. In the end, losing him was what terrified him the most, because when it came down to it he didn’t really care what the other kids thought of him. It was only Erwin that mattered - at least in that moment - but if he stopped being Levi’s friend than he didn’t know what he was going to do. Naturally, though, Levi’s insecurities and anxieties had long ago gotten out of hand and away from him, and had they not, he wouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when he suddenly felt Erwin’s hand on his back.

“I'm sorry.” He said, as Levi’s eyes widened from where he was still hiding them. He froze, confused at why Erwin was apologizing to him, but immediately feeling enough relief from his words and the feeling of his solid, warm palm against him to feel less like he was on the verge of full out sobbing. “This is all my fault.”

Sniffing and shaking his head again, Levi blinked out a few more tears. 

“What are you talking about?” He mumbled wetly, Erwin’s words baffling him enough so that he was able to speak.

How could any of this be his fault? What did he mean? Levi was the one who liked boys and had a crush on him, and even if he didn’t care, Erwin couldn’t be blamed for Marie finding out. He couldn’t be blamed for her blabbering about it either, because Levi had been the one to pick a fight with her. It was his fault, not Erwin’s, but if he was apologizing and not immediately rejecting him, did that mean he didn’t care? Or, Levi thought hopefully, was it possible that he hadn’t picked up on what she said?

“I shouldn't have made you come to the dance. I'm sorry.” 

Levi’s suspicions that Erwin didn’t realize what Marie had said increased at that, because if Erwin thought that was the actual issue at this point  _ clearly  _ he had missed something. But then again, he wasn’t stupid. He was smart and attentive and always picked up on things that Levi never did when they were watching movies or doing homework or things like that, so how could he have possibly misunderstood something so big?

Regardless, he wasn’t telling Levi that he didn’t want to be his friend anymore, so after discreetly wiping his eyes on the back of one hand, Levi lifted his head from the cage he’d made around himself and peeked up at him. Immediately, he met a guilty but familiar blue-eyed gaze, one that somehow made his heart stop hammering in his chest despite all of his remaining worries. 

“It doesn't matter.” He said softly when their eyes locked, wanting to reassure Erwin even now that he had no reason to feel bad. In fact, Levi was the one who should feel bad, because although he’d found it amusing that Marie had been so annoyed with him before, now he realized that she was mad at Erwin too, and that, he knew, was solely his fault. “Just go back inside. I want to go home. Marie is already pissed at you for talking to me.”

“I don't care. I shouldn’t have gone with her.” Erwin said in response, causing Levi's eyes to widen. 

“Why? I thought you liked her.”

Erwin opened his mouth at that, closing it again before he averted his eyes. It was the most unsure Levi had seen him act in a long time, and it wasn’t like him. Confused and still feeling a little worried at Erwin’s odd behavior, Levi raised his eyebrows and sat up fully, blinking away whatever tears still remained.

“It’s confusing.” Erwin said. “I’m not sure. Can we sit down?”

Levi nodded and let Erwin help him up, his heart skipping a beat at the thought of Erwin confirming that he actually didn’t have romantic feelings for Marie. It seemed too good to be true even after witnessing Erwin’s reluctance to hold her hand and things like that, but even if that was the case, did it even matter? Whatever brief elation Levi felt at the thought was short lived, because Marie’s words from before were still echoing around in his head.  _ ‘It doesn't mean that he likes you like that,’ _ she'd said, and although it now seemed like Erwin might not like  _ her _ like that either after all, she was still right. 

Frowning, Levi let Erwin lead him over to a nearby curb where they sat down, huddling together underneath a street light. They were so close that their shoulders and knees were touching, but unlike any other time that might have happened, Levi didn’t become flustered. Instead, it felt like a comfort, a small gesture of companionship that had him feeling more calm than anything else had so far. It was probably because his fears about Erwin not wanting to be his friend anymore were melting away by the second, as clearly, he was either not that bothered or hadn’t realized Marie’s implications.

Still, he was unsure of what to say as they sat there, not wanting to bring up anything that might make him realize it. He wanted to know what was so confusing about Marie for Erwin too though, but he didn’t know how to ask, and so he remained silent for a bit, soaking in Erwin’s presence and watching his breath puff out in the cold night air, until finally, Erwin spoke up.

“Levi?” He said very quietly, looking down at his hands rather than into Levi’s face. “Can I ask you something?”

Biting his lip, Levi tensed up again and glanced away, his stomach flipping because he knew what it was that Erwin wanted to know. “I guess.”

“What did Marie mean in there, before you left?”

Even if he  _ had  _ known Erwin was going to ask that, Levi swallowed, his face and ears going red all over again. Of course Erwin had heard; he'd been stupid to even entertain the idea that he might have not. Deep down he’d known he hadn’t missed it, but now he was asking and Levi was going to have to answer because he didn’t see any way out of it. Erwin was so smart that he’d probably already put two and two together anyway, and if Levi tried to lie, then he would just end up making things worse. The thought of confessing made him feel so nervous that he suddenly felt like he was going to throw up though, but at the very least, he realized, Erwin did not sound upset or angry. 

It was probably what gave him enough courage to not run away again or anything like that, but it was still a full minute before he spoke. Beside him, Erwin remained silent, patiently waiting, giving him time and somehow managing to make Levi feel like he was supporting him even though he didn’t know how he was going to react. Still, though, he was struggling with just saying it, and although he knew that it was now or never, he lost his words as soon as he finally managed to open his mouth.  

“Levi.” Erwin said then, his voice gentle. “It’s okay.”

The statement was enough to make Levi finally blurt it out, closing his eyes as he did so while fear and nerves gripped him all over again. 

“I like boys.” He said, hoping that would be explanation enough for what he meant. “Not girls.”

“So you’re gay?” Erwin asked immediately, not sounding surprised or put off so much as he did interested.

“Uh.” Levi said though, opening his eyes to think about it. He hadn’t yet put a name to whatever he was yet, but he knew what that meant, certainly, and as he thought about it, he felt sure that made more sense than anything else. “Yeah.” 

“How do you know?” Erwin said, and although Levi had not expected Erwin to immediately launch into asking him questions like this after he’d confessed, it was now clear to him that Erwin wasn’t bothered by it in the least. 

If he was, he wouldn’t have moved on to this already, and suddenly, Levi felt so much relief flowing through him that he practically collapsed against the grass behind him, all of the tension he’d been holding inside him releasing in one long, drawn-out exhale - a breath that he hadn’t really known he’d been holding. 

“I don’t know.” He said at first, his mind too much of a whirlwind to form anything else coherent for a few seconds. Then, though, he opened his mouth and looked at Erwin, because he  _ did  _ know, he just didn’t know how to explain it to him without embarrassing himself. “I just do.”

“But  _ how? _ ” Erwin pressed on, causing Levi to bite his lip.

Why did he want to know so bad? He wondered, pausing as his face turned scarlet. Wasn’t it obvious, considering that Erwin knew what it meant to be gay? Levi was sure that he did, but for some reason, his answer wasn’t enough, and after another moment’s pause he sighed, looking away and mumbling an explanation in the best way that he could think of.

“It's like when you look at girls and you think they’re hot, or you want to kiss them and you like their boobs, except I don’t think about them like that. I like boys instead, and I...like their boners.” Levi finished lamely, because he was starting to get more embarrassed than he could handle, and also because when he spoke, he couldn’t help but think about Erwin’s boner at the same time. “I can’t help it.”

It was inevitable, given that he was sitting next to him and discussing things like that with him, the person that he had romantic and sexual feelings for, but it still made him feel flustered enough to lean forward, burying his face into his arms just like he had before in Marie’s driveway.

This time, though, Erwin didn’t notice right away, and Levi realized after a moment that it was because he appeared to be deep in thought. 

“But…” He started, causing Levi to peek up and out at him, the tight frown on his face making Levi raise an eyebrow. 

He looked concerned, or confused, and was Levi imagining it, or was he blushing a little? It was hard to tell because it was dark and also cold, but there was definitely a tiny bit of color to his cheeks that hadn’t been there before. If it  _ was  _ a flush Levi just assumed it was because he was thinking about boobs or something now - a thought which made Levi roll his eyes and cringe - and not for any other reason, unless, of course, Levi’s words had made him feel uncomfortable. That was a thought that caused him to feel a fresh wave of anxiety, and he couldn’t help but sit up again, turning to face Erwin so that he could ask him what he’d meant. 

“But what?” He said, Erwin’s silence more worrying to him than anything else had been so far.

“What if you think you like both?”

“Both?”

“Girls and boys.” Erwin closed his mouth, opened it again as he looked over at Levi who had gone still, his thin eyebrows drawn down in confusion. He hesitated for a moment and then swallowed, looking away like Levi might do when he was embarrassed about something before speaking again. “I like girls. But I think I like boys too.”

_ “What?” _ Levi said, not quite believing in the implications of what Erwin was telling him.

“I like...other guys’ boners.” Erwin said, repeating exactly what Levi had said earlier. “I think.”

Gaping at him, Levi stayed still for nearly an entire minute at Erwin’s confession. If he wasn't sure that Erwin was definitely blushing now he might have been convinced he'd heard him wrong, but the dark color had spread all over his cheeks and down his neck too. It was obviously not just from the cold; no, he was embarrassed - a sight which Levi had only witnessed just a few times in the many years that he had known him.

“But I thought you-” Levi started, unsure of what to say, his eyes going unfocused as he remembered all the times he’d jealously watched Erwin stare at pictures of women on magazine covers or on the tv. He’d never seen him look at a man that way, and although it was possible he’d been hiding it because Levi had been doing the same thing, he had been so convinced that Erwin only liked the opposite sex all this time that he could barely believe it. “I thought you just liked girls.”

“I do like girls.” Erwin answered, basically restating what he’d said before. “I like girls. But sometimes I think about boys the same way. I thought...I-”

Erwin trailed off then, frowning deeply and looking towards the ground. The expression on his face was one of uncertainty and tension, and he was obviously feeling self-conscious or nervous about what he was saying. It took him aback a bit because Erwin was usually always so sure about everything, but Levi could tell because he, of course, knew exactly how he felt. He realized it at about the same time as everything sunk in, that Erwin now knew he was gay and didn’t care, and was also different just like him. It was in a way that his mother had mentioned to him when he’d first discussed this with her all those years ago, but Erwin seemed confused by it and almost like he didn’t know.  

“It’s okay.” Levi said then, reaching out to grasp Erwin’s hand next to his without even thinking about it, wanting to reassure him in case his suspicions were right. “My mom told me people can like both. It doesn’t mean you’re weird.”

At that, Erwin looked away from the ground and back up into his face, his eyebrows raising in surprise at Levi’s statement.

“Does your mom know you’re gay?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never said anything to my father. I don't know what to tell him.”

“Yeah. My mom figured it out so I didn’t have to.” Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes at the memory, still not understanding how he’d been so transparent to her. 

His comment made Erwin smile, and Levi nearly did too, suddenly feeling lighthearted and the most upbeat he had in weeks. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest because of his confession, and not only was he happy because Erwin didn’t care, he felt closer to him than he had in a long, long time. It was because Erwin had shared his own secret with Levi, trusting him enough in the first place to do so, and the fact that Levi could relate because he’d gone through almost the exact same thing made him feel like their friendship was stronger than ever. Suddenly, the fear he’d had that Erwin wouldn’t like him anymore seemed so far in the past that it didn’t even matter anymore, and Levi couldn’t imagine that they would ever have to go through anything like that again - at least, that was what he thought until Erwin abruptly reminded him that his sexuality was only half of the issue.

“But how did you first know?” Erwin asked after another moment of contented silence, immediately causing the happy, bubbly feeling in Levi’s stomach to burst.

It turned back into a nervous pit again and instantly he shrunk back, moving his hand back into his lap and staring down at it with cheeks that were suddenly burning red. It was because, of course, he had not confessed everything to Erwin. He’d told him he was gay but he had left out the part where he had feelings for Erwin himself, and he’d honestly been hoping that he wouldn’t have to admit that. Erwin’s confession that he didn’t only like girls was encouraging, but Levi wasn’t stupid enough to assume that it meant Erwin would automatically like him back like Marie had said. 

Unfortunately, Erwin was waiting for an answer, but Levi knew that if he told him the truth he would give himself away. It was because Levi he’d first realized he was gay at Erwin’s party all those years ago, and had fled the room when Erwin had hugged Marie because it had made him feel jealous and hurt and he’d been confused and scared about what he was feeling. After it’d happened Erwin had called Levi’s house over and over again until he’d finally gotten to talk to him, and with the realization he’d had back then that he couldn’t tell him the truth, he’d just told Erwin he’d gotten sick. He had never been sure Erwin had believed him, but they’d just been kids and it hadn’t mattered. Now, though, if he brought it up again he was certain Erwin would figure out what had really happened, because coupled with his confession and Marie’s comment, it wouldn’t be hard for him to put two and two together.

“I just did.” Levi mumbled instead of admitting anything though, hoping that would be enough and that Erwin would drop the subject, too fearful of rejection even after everything else to reveal what it was that he really felt.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Erwin said though,  _ of course _ , causing Levi to grit his teeth.

“I did too.” He said, trying to act put off at his questioning. “I figured it out and my mom told me!”

“No, I mean my question from before. About what Marie said.”

_ “Erwin-” _ Levi ground out, a pathetic note in his voice that made him cringe.

It was like he was pleading with Erwin to just drop it, to quit pestering him because he did not want to say it. He was being too revealing at the same time though; too transparent, but he didn’t know what else to do. Lying would not work because Erwin would see right through it, and honestly, at that point, Levi feared that Erwin had somehow guessed the truth anyway. 

“Levi.” Erwin said as if to confirm that suspicion, a quiet, reflective tone to his voice that made Levi look back up at him. “Do you want to know how I first started to realize I liked boys too?”

Erwin's cheeks were red again, Levi thought, and he was smiling at him. There was warmth in his eyes and suddenly his fingers were tightening over Levi’s, and Levi was nodding, his heart hammering in his chest because all of this combined with Erwin's words hinted at something - something that Levi's mind was telling him was impossible. From that point on though, everything seemed to happen in an overwhelming, fast-paced rush, even after Erwin paused for a moment and looked away sheepishly before finally confessing what Levi could not. 

“It was because of you.” He said, the way his hand squeezed Levi's tightly betraying what must have been nerves. It didn't show on his face like it had before, but even if it had Levi didn't think he would have noticed. He was too busy struggling to comprehend what Erwin had said, staring at him with wide eyes and a rapidly beating heart, disbelief, awe, and excitement flooding through him all at the same time. “Or, it  _ is _ because of you. I like you a lot, Levi, Marie was wrong. At least about that, anyway. Was she wrong about what she meant about you?”

Erwin had always been the brave one, Levi would think later when he relived this moment over and over again, hundreds of times in his head. He'd always been the one to lead while Levi had followed; it was the natural process of their relationship, the automatic way in which their personalities combined. For Levi, there was no shame in it. There never was and there never would be. Erwin was the playground commander and he was his second-in-command, forging a trail and beating a path that Levi could follow. Bolstered by his words - even if he could still barely believe he'd heard them correctly - Levi found himself shaking his head, slowly at first and then more vehemently, because Erwin had said he'd liked him and there was no reason for him to hold back now. 

“No.” He said too, the word spilling from his throat easily where when before, it would have been impossible. “No, I...I...I-”

_ Dammit. _ Levi thought. He was stuttering all of a sudden when he hadn’t done it in nearly a year, embarrassing himself so that he sounded like a stupid idiot at the worst possible time. 

Scowling, he shut his mouth and clenched his free fist, feeling his face go even more red than it already was. Just as he was about to worry that Erwin would think he was dumb, though, Levi saw that he was smiling, a wide, happy grin on his face that Levi had not seen him wear in a long, long time. He looked like a kid again, Levi thought ridiculously, but of course he wasn't. He was 14, tall and good looking with blonde hair and blue eyes, with brains that made him the smartest kid in their grade - obviously, since he could understand Levi’s stuttered speech - and with full, defined lips that were suddenly pressed over Levi's own before he could even find it within himself to blink.

It was a kiss; his first kiss, the kiss he’d wanted so badly in the form of a soft, sweet press of Erwin's mouth. He barely felt it and it only lasted for a second before Erwin pulled away to look at him, his eyes wide like he was making sure he hadn't messed up, or like he had even surprised himself by the action. Levi had nothing to protest about though, and once Erwin saw that, he leaned forward again as Levi moved to meet him. Their kiss lasted longer this time, much longer, going from just their lips pushed together flatly to something more, something that Levi eventually figured must be making out.

That had to be what they were doing, because somehow after a few moments, Erwin's tongue had found its way inside his mouth, wet and slick but amazingly enough, not gross. It was warm and soft and he liked the feeling of Erwin's lips moving over his own, even if it was sloppy and unsure and slow because they were both learning. There wasn't much to it, really, Levi realized though, as he matched Erwin's movements and quickly lost himself into the kiss, managing to reach out with a shaking hand to grip Erwin's shoulder a few moments later. 

After that, Erwin's palm found its way to Levi's knee, the feel of it sliding higher after Levi wrapped his arm around Erwin's neck causing his face and ears to burn. He was already flushing, of course, but he suddenly felt that way all over, his belly just as hot as his cheeks and, well, it didn't take very long before he had a boner. The realization was what finally made him stop, a panicked jolt going through him because they were outside right in front of Marie’s house, and as much as Levi felt like he could do this with Erwin all night he didn't want to get caught. He was thinking of all of the other kids still inside, but suddenly he remembered that he’d called his mother before too. She was on her way, and based on how long it had been, he was sure that she would be there any minute.

“My mom is coming to get me.” He said breathlessly, his eyes still as wide as they would go as he reached up to wipe his mouth. 

“Oh.” Erwin answered, sounding dazed as he stared at Levi. “Wow.” 

He was talking about the kiss and not about Levi’s mother, he assumed, and he had to agree. He wasn't sure how long it had been or if he'd even done it right, or even of what was going to happen after this. What he was sure of though was that it had been amazing, and he couldn’t help the way his eyes went lidded as he glanced down to Erwin’s lips. 

“Yeah.” He agreed, staring at how red and wet they were, a certain shininess to them that Levi knew was a result of where his own mouth had been. 

The thought should’ve been disgusting like everything else, but it wasn’t. Instead, it was the opposite, as was how heavily Erwin was breathing like he’d just been exercising or running or something. His cheeks were pink underneath the streetlight, and some of his perfectly combed hair had come out of place too. Looking at him, Levi swallowed, feeling something hot curl tightly in his belly that he wasn’t even sure he fully understood yet. It was arousal, urging him to kiss Erwin again, but before he could give in to the temptation the sound of a car rolling up the street  interrupted him.

“It’s your mom.” Erwin murmured, peering over Levi’s shoulder at where the vehicle was approaching.

“Damn.” Levi cursed, because ironically enough, now he didn’t want to leave. 

It was because of Erwin, but he couldn’t tell his mom that he was fine now - not after he’d called her upset and she’d come all this way to pick him up. If he did she’d want an explanation, and Levi was too flustered after everything that had happened that night to even begin thinking of a lie. That was his only option because there was no way he was telling his mother the truth either, but luckily, Erwin seemed to understand, and let go of his hand, shifting away from him and trying to look nonchalant like they’d just been sitting outsid talking. 

“It’s okay.” He said, as Kuchel’s car stopped right in front of them. “I’ll text you later. Um...is that alright?”

Levi almost snorted at his question. Erwin texted him all the time; why would he not be able to do so now? 

“Yeah.” He said, his tongue slipping out to lick his lips without his permission.

Erwin definitely noticed and it made him blush, but after that Levi had to get up because if he kept Kuchel waiting any longer she was going to ask questions. Telling Erwin goodbye, he walked away with a lighthearted, impossibly happy feeling in his chest, one that disappeared instantly when he went to climb into his mother’s car. Reaching to open the door he turned around to face Marie’s driveway, his gaze just so happening to flick up towards her house so that right away, he caught a glimpse of her standing right outside of it and staring in their direction. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as Levi stepped into the parking lot he stopped, looking around for Erwin’s dad’s car. Immediately, he saw the white sedan sitting in a space in the back and Erwin standing next to it, leaning against the side and giving Levi a wave when he saw him. Waving back, he managed not to run across the pavement like a kid to greet him, because that would be embarrassing and stupid, and besides, he was too old to act like that when seeing a friend. He told himself that was true, but...well, Erwin wasn’t just his friend, he was his boyfriend, and Levi wanted to hug him so badly that it hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry for the delay in getting this chapter out T__T I was out of town some and then had a ton of trouble writing it, and I'm still not happy with it but I wanted to get it out. Hopefully, it won't seem rushed or anything and everyone will enjoy <3

Levi set down the box of water he'd been carrying, twisting around afterward to check the time on his cell phone for what had probably been the hundredth instance that night. 

Even though he knew it wasn't going to show 6:00 PM like he wanted, he scowled anyway, biting his lip before he shoved it back into his pocket. Unfortunately, it was only 5:30, five minutes later than the last time he'd checked, and half an hour before his work shift ended and he would be free. That was what he was looking forward to, obviously, because he'd been there since he'd left school that afternoon and was ready to go. Also though, his impatience was even worse than normal because Erwin was picking him up in his dad’s car and taking him on a Friday night date, and then, after that, they were going to go to back to Erwin's house to finally, after what had seemed like an eternity,  _ go all the way. _

They were going to do it - have  _ sex  _ \- after months of debating and trying to decide if they were ready, and after weeks of planning when it would happen. They'd picked this night because Erwin's dad had gone away for the weekend to some lame teacher’s convention, and they would have his entire house to themselves. There would be no risk of being interrupted and they'd have plenty of time, which was good, because Levi was so nervous he thought he might die and he didn't want to have to worry about anything he didn't have to. Also, he wanted it to be special and intimate, and if Erwin's dad was downstairs with his usual habit of making sure they weren't up to no good every thirty fucking minutes, then it would be the opposite. 

Still, the fact that they'd be the only two people there only made Levi marginally less tense, as even though Mr. Smith was going to be gone there were still a variety of other things to worry about. What if he did something wrong? What if it wasn't good, and Erwin didn't enjoy it? What if it hurt?

The first two actually had Levi more anxious than the thought of pain - although, he'd be lying if he said he hadn't wondered how Erwin's dick, which was really fucking big just like the rest of him, was going to fit inside his ass without damaging something - but that didn't mean he wasn't excited either. He was,  _ incredibly _ , so much so that he could he could barely think about anything else. That was why he couldn't wait for his shift to be over, and the closer the clock ticked to 6:00, the bigger the knot of anticipation grew in his belly.

“Levi, can you go unload the truck?” He heard after checking his phone again - 5:36, this time - and turned to face his manager.

He was his mom and uncle’s second cousin or something and was an Ackerman too, and had given Levi a part-time job at the grocery store he owned when he’d turned 16. He'd only been working there for a few months and it wasn't  _ that _ bad, but recently, his wife and former co-worker had given birth to a daughter and Levi had been needed to pick up a lot of her slack. He wasn't full-time and could only do so much, but until they hired someone else, he'd been working for at least a few hours every day after school. 

It sucked, and he'd had to practically beg Mr. Ackerman to let him off early that Friday night so he could go out with Erwin. He'd agreed eventually though, but now Levi was wondering if he'd forgotten. Unloading the truck was at least a thirty minute task, which meant that Levi would get off work late and he would have to wait that much longer to leave. He didn't want to do it and wished he could just tell his cousin or whatever he was to fuck off, but unfortunately, even though they were related he was still Levi's boss and he couldn't. 

Kuchel would likely find out if he did, and seeing as how she had gotten weird and strict ever since she'd found out about him and Erwin, Levi figured he would likely end up grounded or stuck with extra chores as punishment. That would cut into his and Erwin’s hang out time, which was unspeakable, so instead of talking back like he wanted to, he just bit his tongue, nodding and making a beeline for the back of the store as fast as he could. 

Predictably, he checked his phone on the way and saw that it was now 5:39, scowling at the screen before he saw that he also had a text from Erwin. 

_ I'm on my way. I missed you, and I can't wait to see you. :-*  _ It said, and after Levi fought through the natural fluttering he felt in his heart that came with anything to do with Erwin, he texted him back. 

_ okay. my shitty boss is making me unload the truck now, so i might be a few minutes late. _

Erwin didn't respond, and Levi figured it was because he'd started driving. With that in mind, he swallowed down the brief influx of nerves he'd felt in response to knowing that his night with Erwin would begin soon - and with it, the last few hours of his virginity - and headed out the store’s back door to unload the truck. As soon as he stepped outside he realized he'd gotten lucky; the one that had arrived was the one that delivered fruit, and it was small. Maybe, he thought, it wouldn't take him as long as he'd feared after all. 

Thankfully, he was right, as it only took him a few loads to empty it using the ramp and a cart. He was pretty strong for someone of his age and size, and picked up as many boxes as he could at a time, going as fast as possible too without dropping anything or ruining any fruit. If he did that he’d have a mess to clean up and it would just delay him longer, so he was careful despite his rush, and put everything back where it was supposed to when he was finished and made sure nothing had spilled, ducking inside the back of the store afterward so that he could immediately check his phone. 

6:05 PM, it read. 

At the sight, Levi’s heart skipped a beat. A rush of excitement and tension went through him too, and as he was looking, a new text popped up from Erwin letting him know he was waiting outside. Finally, he thought, it was fucking  _ time _ , and before he could even shove his phone back into his pocket he was practically racing to the front of the store, dodging customers and walking with his head down in the hopes that they wouldn’t ask him anything. 

Luckily no one did, and as Levi approached the registers he saw Mr. Ackerman counting money behind the first one. He walked up to him while glancing out the front windows anxiously in the hopes of spotting Erwin’s car, and waited until he was done with bated breath, knowing better not to interrupt and cause him to lose count. A few long, tense seconds of silence later and he was done, closing the cash register drawer and looking up at Levi questioningly.

“Can I go?” He blurted as soon as their eyes met, biting his lip and almost holding his breath out of fear that his cousin would say no. 

He didn’t, though. Instead he just nodded cheerfully, waving Levi off and asking him to tell his mother ‘hello.’ Levi barely heard him say it because he’d nearly dashed off to go clock out as soon as the first letter of Mr. Ackerman’s permission slipped out of his mouth, ripping off the stupid apron he had to wear and shoving it into his locker after using the computer. Then, he made a pit stop to the bathroom - only to use it, he told himself, although he discreetly snuck a peek into the mirror to make sure he looked alright and to run a hand through his hair to straighten it - and washed his hands.

After that, he was free, and as he exited the store he felt nervous again, and anxious, just like he had been when they’d gone on their first few dates. This wasn’t anything like that though, as they’d been doing shit like that for two years by then. However, it was what was going to happen  _ after  _ their night out that had Levi so high-strung, of course, but even so, he was still almost just as giddy with excitement as someone like him could be. He was also sporting what was probably a half chub in his pants, because every so often he couldn’t help but imagine him and Erwin in bed  _ doing it _ , but once Levi stepped outside, all of that was momentarily replaced by relief that he was finally about to be with him again.

He hadn’t since 2:00 that afternoon at school, and he’d missed him so badly for the past few hours that it had almost been painful. Although he’d never admit it to anyone else out loud, every moment they weren’t together filled him with longing and made his heart ache with loneliness, anticipation and impatience for when they might see each other again nearly driving him crazy - even if it was just for a few hours. It was his age, of course, that made it seem so dramatic and terrible, but there wasn’t much he could do about it. He was so in love with Erwin that he didn’t know what to do with himself, and the only thing that made him feel better and ceased his pining were the times when they finally met up again after being apart. 

It was no different this time, and as soon as he stepped into the parking lot he stopped, looking around for Erwin’s dad’s car. Immediately, he saw the white sedan sitting in a space in the back and Erwin standing next to it, leaning against the side and giving Levi a wave when he saw him. Waving back, he managed not to run across the pavement like a kid to greet him, because that would be embarrassing and stupid, and besides, he was  _ too old _ to act like that when seeing a friend. He told himself that was true, but...well, Erwin wasn’t just his friend, he was his  _ boyfriend _ , and Levi wanted to hug him so badly that it hurt. 

“Hello.” Erwin said when he got close, pushing himself off the car and holding out his arms to do just that. He was smiling and his eyes were bright, and Levi felt a warmness blossom in his chest that replaced any remaining nerves he might have had. “How was work?”

Levi flushed with the affection he felt, and practically crashed into Erwin when he reached him. “Shitty. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Erwin said immediately, wrapping Levi up in a tight embrace.

He pulled him backward so that he was resting against the car again, and for a moment they just stood there, hugging and clinging to each other like they’d been apart for months. Levi pressed his face into Erwin’s chest and inhaled, squeezing him tightly and feeling his cheeks warm when Erwin held him back just as firmly. In fact, his arms were so tight around him that the pressure against his ribs almost made them ache, but he didn’t mind, not when he was happy just to be able to do this again.

It was only when he felt Erwin press a kiss to the top of his head did Levi let go, stepping back so that he could actually take him in now that he wasn’t so desperate. Naturally, Erwin looked as ridiculously hot as he always did, with his blonde hair falling over his forehead boyishly and his full lips still curved up in a beautiful smile. It was wide enough for Levi to see his teeth - straight and white, now that his braces were gone - and he’d changed from their school uniform into khakis and a long-sleeved, blue polo shirt.

Levi raised an eyebrow when he saw it; had Erwin dressed up like this for their date? Levi certainly hadn’t, as he was just wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt, and although he’d known Erwin had been planning everything for weeks, he’d thought they were just going to the movies and then dinner.

“What the hell are you wearing?” He decided to ask, letting Erwin take both his hands in his to hold between them. “Are you taking me ballroom dancing?”

Erwin laughed lightly, and shook his head. “No. I just wanted to wear something nicer, since tonight is so special. Do you not like it?”

Levi bit his lip and averted his eyes, his ears reddening a bit as the warmth in his chest deepened.  _ Of course _ Erwin would fucking take their date this seriously, Levi thought - he was stupid to assume otherwise. That didn’t mean he was complaining though, because the fact that he did so just reinforced how much he cared about him. It made Levi happy - a feeling that he had finally managed to get used to, after he’d spent so much of his early teenage years convincing himself that he never would be - and he shook his head too, because he didn’t just like it, he loved it.

He loved Erwin and was head over heels for him, and didn’t know how he’d ended up so lucky. What were the chances that his childhood crush, who he’d developed deeper feelings for by age 13, would not only turn out to like boys, but would like  _ him  _ back too? Levi had always thought them very slim, and even after Erwin had kissed him he’d almost thought that everything was too good to be true, especially after Marie had told the entire school and Erwin’s dad found out. He’d been sure that Erwin would change his mind or get cold feet about whatever they had even started outside of Marie’s house, but he didn’t, and a few weeks later he’d told Levi he loved him and that he wanted him to be his boyfriend.

The first confession was probably a little premature at that age, but that didn’t mean it didn’t come true eventually, and it didn’t mean that Levi had ever doubted that he’d felt the same. The second confession was one that Levi had obviously agreed to, barely believing at the time that he was hearing it. He had, though, and although the ensuing romantic relationship he’d developed with Erwin had turned out to be everything he could’ve hoped for and more, sometimes it still seemed surreal and he never once took it for granted. 

“I didn’t say that.” Levi said in response to Erwin’s question, because regardless of everything else, Erwin looked really good. “But I’m just wearing this.”

“I don’t care.” Erwin said, and pulled Levi into a hug again. 

This time Levi reached up to wind his arms around Erwin’s neck, leaning against him as Erwin held his waist. They kissed once, briefly, and then again not so briefly. Five minutes later, Levi heard a car door slam and remembered they were in the middle of a parking lot, and turned so red that he probably resembled one of the tomatoes they sold at his work. Erwin even looked a little startled, the slightly confused expression on his face making him seem puppy-like when combined with his wet lips and pink, flushed cheeks. 

Levi was tempted to kiss him again because he was so cute that it made his heart ache, but if he did he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop. Making out was one of their favorite past times, naturally, but he was pretty sure they had a movie to catch. Sadly, they probably didn’t have time, but that was alright. They would get up to plenty of that later, Levi remembered, the thought causing a fresh wave of nerves, excitement, and arousal to rush through him immediately. 

Erwin seemed to be thinking the same thing, because there was an intense, heated look in his eye that Levi had become all too familiar with. His gaze lowered to look at Levi’s front and then back again, raking over him in a way that made him feel a sharp thrill. It was a hungry expression, he thought, a promising one, but no sooner had Levi noticed it than it was gone, wiped off Erwin’s face and replaced with another pleasant smile. 

“Are you ready to go?” He asked, leaving Levi with a dry throat, his mind reeling with all the ways Erwin might fix him with that look later. “Your mother thinks you’re at Petra’s by now, right?”

He managed to nod somehow - Petra was someone he’d become good friends with, and who he’d told his mother he was spending the night with that evening so that he could go to Erwin’s - and stepped away, cursing playfully when Erwin snuck a quick squeeze to his backside before he could move. Immediately, he started to rush toward the passenger’s side of the car so he wouldn’t do it again - it was likely, as Erwin really,  _ really  _ liked touching him there lately - only to stop in his tracks when Erwin suddenly spoke up loudly.

“Wait, Levi.” He said, hurrying over and ahead of him.

Levi gave him a questioning look when he did so, wondering what he was doing, but then fought back a scoff when he saw that Erwin was opening the car door for him. Apparently, he really  _ was  _ pulling out all the stops for this date, and although Levi teased him with a roll of his eyes as he climbed inside, he still felt a fluttering inside his chest anyway. It only got worse once Erwin shut the door and Levi went to put his seatbelt on, his eyes catching on Erwin’s bookbag in the back seat. He’d kept the stupid medals Levi had made him for his birthday as a kid pinned to them once they’d started going out, and no matter how many times he saw it, it never failed to cause Levi to become flustered. 

Fortunately, Erwin didn’t notice once he climbed in the car, because he was more focused on buckling up, starting the engine, and positioning himself behind the steering wheel. Levi, too, was a little caught up in watching him, because this was only one of the first few times that he’d gotten to ride with just him and Erwin in the car. He’d only gotten his license recently, and his dad was still hesitant to allow him to borrow his vehicle by himself like this. In fact, Levi was under the assumption that Erwin didn’t actually have permission to drive it that night, and found the thought of him disobeying and taking his dad’s car out while he was away from home to be a little exciting.

“Not bad.” He commented, after a few minutes of watching Erwin drive smoothly out of the parking lot and down the highway, somehow managing to sound a lot less impressed than he actually was. “How are you gonna keep your dad from finding out? Do we need to refill it with gas before we get back?”

“Actually, my father gave me permission.” Erwin said, a small smile on his face as he spoke.

“What? Does he know you picked me up in it?”

“Yes, I told him.”

Levi's expression twisted into confusion at that, because he never would have thought Mr. Smith would allow Erwin to take his car out when he was away from home, especially on a Friday night and when he was going to be with Levi, his less than perfect boyfriend. That was usually half the issue, he knew, as he was pretty sure that Erwin’s dad didn’t approve of him. In fact, Levi might have even been described by him as ‘delinquent’ on one occasion, because he was often in detention for stupid things like tardies and cursing, and had even accidentally gotten Erwin sent there once too because a teacher overheard Levi telling him he wanted to suck his dick in the hallway.

Mr. Smith hadn't been very happy about that - and neither had Kuchel, for that matter - and although he'd never tried to stop Erwin from dating him, Levi assumed he’d stopped liking him from the moment their relationship had turned romantic. Whatever, though, he didn't care what that old fart thought, not really. He just didn't understand how Erwin had gotten permission to drive him around at night like this, when they had the opportunity to get up to all kinds of shit that Erwin’s dad surely would not approve of. 

“Then how the fuck did you get him to agree? Isn’t he afraid we’re going to do bad things in his car?” Levi asked, feeling a little excited at just the prospect.

“No, I promised that we would behave.” Erwin said, smiling before his lips pulled into a small frown while they waited at a redlight. He looked out the window and then back at the road, opening his mouth a second later like there was something else. “Also, ah-”

He stopped at that because the light turned green, facing forward and hesitating in a way that wasn’t like him. His brows drew down while Levi’s raised in confusion, because why wasn’t he spitting it out? What could it be? The fact that he wasn’t just telling him meant that it wasn’t something simple like his dad had been in a good mood or Erwin had promised to do the dishes for a week, and suddenly, Levi had a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“What is it?” He asked, all traces of his teasing tone gone as he stared at Erwin. 

Erwin glanced out the driver’s side window again, shifting his grip on the steering wheel as they stopped at another intersection. He didn’t look at Levi and instead opened his mouth before closing it again, but then suddenly, before Levi could  _ really  _ start panicking, his lips curved up into a wide, brilliant smile, a soft laugh escaping his throat too like he’d been trying to hold it back that entire time but was no longer able to.

“I got accepted into college.” He said, his eyes brightening at his admission.  “I got the letter in the mail today, and my father-”

Levi did not hear the rest of what Erwin said, as he’d been hit so hard by shock that it had drowned it all out. Immediately, his face twisted into surprise and his lips parted while he digested the words, his gaze shifting to his lap while Erwin trailed off. He was aware that he was probably saying his dad had been so happy that he’d rewarded him with the car, but that had probably been the last reason for it that Levi would have expected Erwin to say. Unfortunately, he realized, he wasn’t really sure how to feel about it. 

He’d known Erwin had applied to a few schools, yeah, because he was as ambitious and as scholarly as he’d always been, and not to mention excited about attending a university once he graduated. He wanted to write, Levi knew, and was really good at it, and was also incredibly interested in things like researching and reporting even now. However, up until that point Levi had not thought about it much, because they were only in the first half of their junior year and graduation, much less shit like college, felt like eons away to him.

_ For fuck’s sake _ , he thought, he didn’t even know if  _ he  _ wanted to go at all, much less  _ where  _ he might go and what kind of job he’d like to have afterwards. That was shit he’d barely even given any thought to, and that he didn’t care about right then. It hadn’t mattered before either, but now suddenly it did, and Levi found that he didn’t like thinking about any of it - mainly because he wasn’t sure what it might mean for his and Erwin’s future. 

At that thought, he made himself glance back at Erwin again, noticing that while he hadn’t looked at Levi that entire time because he’d been focusing on the road, he was now turning his head back and forth between it and Levi with a slightly faded smile.

“Which one?” Levi asked, swallowing and trying to keep his voice neutral because he didn’t want Erwin to think he was upset.

That was clearly why Erwin kept looking at him, and while Levi succeeded momentarily, Erwin’s response made it even harder for him to keep his face straight. The university he named was, of course, one that Levi knew was a few hours away, and that was exactly what he’d been afraid Erwin was going to say. 

“Oh.” He said simply, as his mind started whirling with thoughts of what might happen to their relationship if Erwin went away to college, his throat going tight with anxiety at just the mere  _ idea  _ of him leaving. 

What if they had to break up? What if Levi tried to get into the college too, but got rejected? Would Erwin even want them to go there together if he could? What if he didn’t, and told Levi he didn’t want to be his boyfriend anymore because he’d be too far away?

The thought of any one of those scenarios happening was almost enough to get Levi upset right then and there - he loved Erwin, and would be heartbroken if he left - but Erwin hadn’t said whether he’d actually decided to go to that school or not, right? There were other colleges he’d applied for, universities that were close by, Levi remembered, and just because he hadn’t gotten a letter from any of them yet it didn’t mean that Erwin wouldn’t get in. Besides, even if the subject was coming up now it still wouldn’t happen for almost two whole years, and a lot could change before then. That was probably what his mother would tell him, Levi knew, so instead of getting upset preemptively, he forced himself to swallow his anxiety, thinking that they had a lot to look forward to that night anyway and he didn’t want to dwell on shit like this. 

Unfortunately, in the time that it had taken him to work out his thoughts, the silence in the car had grown tense and Erwin’s smile had faded completely. He was staring straight ahead and holding the steering wheel tightly, and Levi knew it was probably because he hadn’t said anything. That made him feel stupid and selfish, because this was obviously something Erwin was happy about and very proud of. It was a big deal and Levi was acting like a jerk, but even knowing that he wasn’t responding in the way that he should, he wasn’t quite sure what to say. 

He stayed quiet for the rest of the ride over to the movie theatre, subtly glancing at Erwin a few times to see if he could read his expression. He couldn’t, and he didn’t speak again either, and by the time they arrived and parked Levi had begun to fear that he’d upset him and ruined their date. Thankfully, though, after he turned off the car, Erwin finally looked over at Levi and gave him a small, tentative smile. 

“Are you alright?” He asked, because he’d obviously noticed that something was wrong.

Levi knew already that he couldn’t tell him, though. If he did it would make him sound like an asshole or cause Erwin to feel guilty, and Levi would never do that to him. He just didn’t have the heart, not when tonight was so important, and not when he’d smiled so brightly when he told him the news, anyway. 

“Yeah.” He answered with that in mind, swallowing. He reached over too, leaning over the car’s center console so that he could grab Erwin’s hand and give him a soft peck on the cheek. “Congratulations on the college shit, Erwin. I can’t believe I’m dating such a big, smart guy.”

That made Erwin happy again, Levi was glad to see, happy enough to turn his head so that he could press his lips against Levi’s. They kissed briefly and then he gave Levi a warm, lingering hug, tucking his face into the crook of his neck so that he could murmur something against his skin quietly. 

“I love you, Levi.” He said, sighing as Levi responded in kind and they resumed making out again, so that Levi could try and focus on how Erwin’s lips felt rather than whether he loved him enough to choose to stay there rather than go off to college if Levi asked him too. 

That was a horrible, selfish choice Levi knew he would never actually force Erwin to make, but even so, he couldn’t help the thought from crossing his mind. He immediately chastised himself and felt like a such a piece of shit that he forced himself to kiss Erwin that much harder so he would forget, slipping his tongue into his mouth, tightening his arms around him, and digging his fingers into the back of his blue shirt. He used his grip to pull him so close that he was nearly dragged over the console, causing Erwin to break apart a moment later and give a breathless chuckle. 

“Wait.” He said, carefully removing Levi’s arms from around his neck. “Are you trying to get started early?”

Erwin’s words made Levi’s cheeks go scarlet and a nearly sickening pit of nerves clench in his belly at once, all because it instantly reminded him of the activities that were in store for them later. Thankfully, though, it went away again almost as soon as it had appeared, when Erwin practically jumped out of the car, let Levi out of the passenger’s side, and led him up to the movies. Just like that they had resumed their date, and just like that Levi was excited again. Everything was suddenly alright after the brief moment of anxiety he’d had before, and it only got better once they bought their tickets and walked inside. 

They got popcorn and a slushie to share between them, and found two dark, secluded seats in the back corner of the theatre to sit in. Erwin pulled the armrest up and held Levi close when he leaned against him, and although the movie was pretty good, it was probably inevitable that they ended up making out for most of it instead of paying attention to the screen. Erwin tried to watch, sometimes breaking away during the good parts to look in front of them with wide, interested eyes, but no sooner had Levi settled back in his own seat than he would get the urge to twist over again, to press his still tingling lips to Erwin’s repeatedly until they’d gone numb and the both of them felt dizzy. 

He couldn’t help it; Erwin was warm and Levi was close to him, and he smelled really fucking good. He must have worn some of his dad’s cologne, he thought vaguely while they shared another eager, excitable kiss, because he didn’t recognize the scent and normally Erwin just smelled like soap. Either way he wasn’t complaining, and Levi instead sought to press himself against Erwin even more than he already was, reaching over to grip his thigh while Erwin rubbed at his shoulder with his free hand. 

They didn’t touch each other anymore than that because they were still in a movie theatre, but by the time the film had ended, Levi could barely stand to hold himself back anymore. He was horny now and ready to fool around, and as nervous as he was for them to get to bed, he was getting antsy too. All the making out they'd done hadn't helped, but the anticipation was getting to him, and Levi was tempted to ask if they could skip dinner and just head straight back to Erwin's house. 

However, he didn't, because he knew that the place they were going to was pretty nice for two 16 years olds to eat at, and he also knew Erwin had saved up for a long time to be able to afford to take Levi there. He'd told Erwin it wasn't important, but Erwin had been adamant about all of this the entire time, telling Levi over and over that he wanted to make the night special for him. He was pretty sure that it would be special no matter what happened, but he had to admit that everything Erwin was doing was, well, sweet and romantic, and because of his age, that struck Levi so hard that he probably would have fallen in love with Erwin all over again if it had been possible.

So, instead of trying to change their plans, Levi let Erwin lead him out of the theatre a few moments later, walking hand in hand with him until they made it to their restaurant. For a moment when they stepped inside Levi felt like a kid because it was fancy as fuck and he was still in highschool, but once they were shown to their table the dim lighting and the candles had him blushing. 

There, he felt like he was on a real adult date with Erwin or something, and because of that, Levi felt compelled to make sure he was on his best behavior. His mother would have been proud of him, he thought, as he kept his voice down and refrained from cursing, eating his food politely and even resisting the urge to make a joke when the lobster tails they were brought as an appetizer were stacked on top of each other and it looked like they were humping. 

He still stared at them though, long enough for Erwin to notice, and he must have known what Levi was thinking because he suddenly smiled playfully. In that moment, while they ate and as Levi looked across the table at him, he felt so much fondness for Erwin that he had to swallow around the lump of it in his throat. 

Erwin felt the same way, he thought he could tell, because he kept smiling at him and tapping their toes together under the table. By the time they were done Levi felt like he was eager to get his fingers on him, but settled for just holding his hand again once they stepped outside the restaurant, gripping it tightly all the way to the car because all of a sudden, he was beset with nerves once more. It was because now that they'd finished eating their date was over, and there was nowhere left for them to go but back to Erwin’s house and into his empty bed. 

He was so sick with anticipation and an excited nervousness by then that he was almost nauseous, and he still didn’t let go of Erwin’s fingers once he started driving. His mind was a whirlwind; images, pictures, and thoughts of how it might feel and what it might look like while they were doing it going through his head, all in between his near constant worries about whether or not it would hurt and the possibility that he might do something wrong or embarrass himself. 

It kept him quiet, but Erwin didn’t say much either, and Levi wondered if he was just as nervous as he was. His cheeks were definitely pink, Levi saw, when they finally pulled up into Erwin’s garage and parked, and there was the tiniest furrow between his thick brows. It was barely noticeable, but the shaky smile he gave Levi when they got out of the car was more obvious, and Levi knew from experience and the many, many years he’d known him that, yes, Erwin was definitely feeling a little unsure. 

For some reason that made him feel a bit better, but even as they walked inside silently, still without saying anything, Levi felt almost bashful, biting his lip and directing his gaze toward the ground. He looked at the wall too or at Erwin’s back, keeping it away from his face on purpose because he knew that if their eyes did meet, Levi would immediately turn so scarlet that it would be embarrassing. 

He didn’t know why he felt so shy all of a sudden, as he and Erwin had fooled around enough by then that he shouldn’t be. In fact, they’d done pretty much everything else  _ except  _ for having sex up until that point, growing up from the clumsy, fumbling, and nervous 13 year olds that they’d been when they’d shared their first kiss. They’d gotten pretty familiar with doing far more than that over the years, steadily becoming more sure in how they touched each other and the ways they could use their hands  _ and  _ mouths. Levi was confident enough to give Erwin a blowjob and to let Erwin stick his fingers up his ass, and they had seen each other naked so many times that he’d lost count. 

Why then, he thought, did he suddenly feel like none of that mattered? Why did he feel like that 13 year old boy again, who had been so nervous he thought he might puke when Erwin had asked if he could kiss him again once they finally saw each other after the incident at Marie’s? 

It was because this was a big deal, he knew, and all that other shit was basically kid stuff. They would be going all the way,  _ beyond _ third base and into territory that was exalted by most of their peers. Sex was something that felt impossibly adult too, and it was meaningful, and special, and that was why despite all of his fears, Levi still wanted to experience it with Erwin more than anything. He loved him and trusted him, and he was  _ sure _ . He'd been sure when he'd thought about it at the store before his date with Erwin and he'd been sure months before that, and he was sure now, so sure that when they reached the living room and Erwin turned to him, Levi was the one to step forward and take his hand.

“Wanna go upstairs?” He asked in a quiet voice, one that probably sounded far more unsteady than Levi had intended it too.

He still hadn’t looked up at Erwin, but was staring down at their hands instead. However, when Erwin squeezed his fingers he finally glanced up, meeting his eyes and feeling a surge of elation that drowned out any of the anxiety he had. 

This was it, he thought, they were going to go do it. Erwin was going to put his dick inside him, and after tonight, he’d no longer be a stupid virgin anymore.

“Yes.” Erwin said in response to his question, swallowing as his eyes looked over Levi’s front like they’d done in the parking lot of his workplace. His glance wasn’t quite as heated, but there was interest there, and it immediately thrilled Levi all the same. “You’re still sure though, right?”

Levi scoffed at that, catching Erwin’s eye again and stepping closer. He reached up to place his hands on Erwin’s shoulders, ignoring the flip-flopping of his stomach as he did so, and gripped the fabric of his shirt tightly.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I told you. Are you?” He said, asking the last part even though he already knew the answer.

Immediately, Erwin nodded. He placed his hands on Levi’s waist, furrowing his brows seriously. “Of course I am.”

“Then what’s taking so long?”

Levi didn’t know where the courage he’d gotten to say that had come from, and even Erwin’s expression flickered into something like surprise at his bold words. It was only for a moment though, because a second later that turned into focus almost just as quickly, and then Erwin was kissing him, pressing their lips together lightly, tentatively, before moving them against Levi’s harder and with more purpose when Levi practically melted into him. 

Almost instantly, he was caught up in how it felt and what they were doing, so much so that suddenly nothing else mattered. His worries left him and much of the nervous jumpiness did too, because this, at least, he was familiar with. This he’d grown comfortable with over the years and he knew what he was doing, and the more they kissed, the more distracted Levi became by how warm and wet Erwin’s mouth was, and how much he couldn’t wait to touch him all over.

It was so overwhelming that he even forgot they still had to go upstairs, and found himself throwing his arms around Erwin’s neck to tug at the back of his shirt a few minutes later. He wanted it off so he could see his chest, but before he could get very far Erwin’s fingers were wrapped around his wrists, gently stilling his hands so that he could take a step back.

“Wait.” He said, the words causing Levi to freeze immediately. “We have to go to my room first. And we have to go slow.”

“Yeah. Slow.” Levi repeated, licking his lips and honestly feeling a little dazed.

It was probably all the arousal and mixed emotions he was feeling, plus the fact that he now had what felt like the biggest boner he’d had in weeks. Still, though, what Erwin said sunk in a moment later, once he took Levi by the hand and started leading him upstairs. 

They’d talked about this, he remembered, about how it was important to go slow and easy because it was their first time and Erwin didn’t want to hurt him. Levi didn’t want that to happen either, of course, but he was impatient, and he didn’t see why they should have to drag it out anymore than they had to if Erwin’s fingers went in fine. At least two of them usually did, and with that thought, another hot thrill ran through Levi, one that made it hard for him not to just pull all his clothes off and drag Erwin onto the bed once they reached his room.

“I’ve been reading a lot about this.” Erwin said before he could though, turning on a lamp while Levi climbed onto his mattress. “And doing research.”

He was talking about sex, of course, and Levi made a face. 

“You mean looking at porn?” He said, staring at Erwin and wondering what the fuck else he could mean otherwise. 

Erwin laughed at his question, but then shook his head. “No, other things. I found articles about proper preparation, and I read ‘Anal Sex for Dummies.’”

“Oh.” Levi said, blushing at the term ‘anal sex’ despite himself. “I didn’t know they made that shit.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s a real book. But that’s what the name of the information site was.” Erwin explained, smiling a little because of the ridiculousness of their conversation. Then, though, it faded a second later, and Erwin’s expression gradually grew into something more serious. “Levi, I’m going to make sure you’re comfortable when we do this, I promise. I want to make you feel good.”

For a second, Levi didn’t say anything. He was too busy going even more red all over, too taken aback by the hot prickles that started at his cheeks and spread down his neck to respond. He was also overwhelmed by how Erwin sounded when he spoke, because his words were said in a tone that was so low and intense that it nearly sent shivers of anticipation down his spine, leaving no room in Levi’s mind for him to doubt that Erwin meant what he’d just told him. 

“Shit.” He could only breath in response, jerking himself upward onto his knees when he suddenly felt a sharp jolt of lust and excitement go through him. 

He reached forward, grabbing at the front of Erwin’s shirt so that he could pull him onto the bed, falling backward and dragging him along so that they landed with Levi on his back and Erwin on his hands and knees above him. Immediately Levi tangled fingers in his hair with the intentions of tugging him down for a kiss, but no sooner had he grabbed him there than Erwin was stopping him again. 

“Levi, I-” He started, staring down at where Levi’s head lay in between his two hands. His eyes were soft, and had Erwin not already told him to wait that probably would have stopped him, the fond look there causing Levi to feel a sudden, strong surge of emotion. “I want to ask you something first.”

“Okay.” He responded, unsure of how to take the absolute seriousness of Erwin’s tone along with the look in his eye. 

His confusion grew when Erwin just swallowed and opened his mouth rather than speaking again, much like he'd done in the car earlier that night. Again, it was like he wanted to tell Levi something except he didn't know how to say it, and just like before, Levi had no fucking idea what it could be. Thankfully though, this time, before he started to get  _ too  _ anxious about it Erwin finally spoke.

“Will you marry me one day? When we grow up?” He asked, and Levi's eyes grew so large and round that they probably resembled plates. 

Embarrassingly enough, his jaw dropped some too, all because Erwin had never said anything like that to him before. Sure, they talked about their future occasionally, always using the term ‘we’ and under the assumption that they would still be boyfriends, but neither one of them had  _ ever  _ mentioned marriage. Now, though, Erwin was basically proposing to him, asking Levi if he would become his husband one day when they were old enough. Obviously he didn’t have a ring because it wasn’t official, but even so, it was a promise, one that caused Levi to feel stupid for all of the worrying he’d done earlier over Erwin possibly leaving for college. 

Clearly, he had been anxious for nothing, because if Erwin was asking him this then that meant he wasn’t going to leave, right? Even if he did he wasn’t going to break up with him, that was for sure, because he’d just told Levi that he wanted them to get married through the question he’d asked. They were going to be together forever instead, Levi thought, suddenly feeling so happy that he even cracked the tiniest smile, the sight of it causing Erwin to blink and reach out with a hand to touch Levi’s face. 

“Yeah.” Levi said then, realizing that he still hadn’t given Erwin an answer.  “Of course I will, you idiot.”

Erwin smiled then - wider than he had when he’d mentioned college, Levi noticed - and his eyes lit up. Then he was lowering his head and closing his eyes, and just like that, they were kissing again, as eagerly and as intensely as they had been before. This time they didn’t stop either, thank  _ fuck _ , and grew more frantic instead, with Levi’s hands rubbing all over Erwin’s clothed chest and shoulders before he could help himself. 

Already he’d forgotten about going slow, too caught up in how it felt to have Erwin above and on top of him like this. He liked how heavy his weight felt against him, pressing him into the mattress, but it wasn’t enough, the thought causing Levi to wrap his legs around Erwin’s waist to arch into him. He was aiming to grind himself on the thigh that Erwin had positioned between his own, something that they’d done so many times that it had become almost instinctive to him by then.

Unfortunately, before he could, Erwin seemed to realize that they were moving too fast, and reached back with a hand to unwind one of Levi’s legs. He barely noticed what he was doing because they were still kissing, and still didn’t until he started tugging at Erwin’s shirt and Erwin pulled his fingers away. He wrapped his own around Levi’s wrist and pressed it to the bed, not holding it tightly but keeping it there so that he couldn’t move again. 

That got Levi’s attention - and also caused him to flush hotly all over for a reason he wasn’t ready to admit yet - and made him tilt his head back, his eyes opening to stare up at Erwin while he panted.

“Slow, Levi.” Erwin reminded him in a low voice, even as he dipped down to kiss at Levi’s neck.

Levi’s only response was to gasp, his breath hitching a moment later when Erwin let go of him to slip his fingers up underneath the hem of his t-shirt. They brushed across his skin so lightly that it almost tickled, causing Levi to bite his lip and whine for more. Erwin gave it to him, of course, but at a seemingly glacial pace, mouthing and kissing at Levi’s neck while slowly pushing his shirt up, his warm palm sliding across Levi’s stomach and making him squirm.

“Erwin-” He gasped, digging his fingers into his shoulder when he felt a sharp pinch.

It came from his neck, and was quickly followed by another one that he felt on his chest. It was Erwin, obviously, giving him a hickey and touching his nipples at the same time, finally pulling away and pushing Levi’s shirt up to his chin a second later even as he let out another sound. Levi tugged it the rest of the way over his head himself, and was able to catch a glimpse of Erwin’s face as he started kissing down his chest. 

The heat was back in his eyes, he saw, a determined look present there too that caused Levi to feel excited all over again. The feeling didn’t go away as Erwin kept moving, and instead just got stronger, intensifying as Erwin pressed his lips to his skin over and over again, kissing at his chest and then moving to his stomach, making Levi’s heart pound faster the lower he went. He spread his thighs to accommodate him when Erwin reached the waistband of his pants, finding himself panting already in anticipation of what he might do. 

Was he going to start fingering him, or was he going to give him a blowjob? Levi wasn’t sure, as he knew the former was going to happen at some point and he couldn’t wait, but now that Erwin’s face was right in front of his crotch he kind of wanted the second thing too. Apparently he was going to get both that night, because before Levi could decide what he wanted more, Erwin had unbuckled his pants and pulled his dick out, and was licking at the tip like it was a popsicle. 

Immediately, Levi moaned, throwing an arm over his mouth before he remembered that they were alone in the house and it didn’t matter. That was a relief, because Levi wasn’t sure he could keep quiet, not with how good Erwin’s mouth felt around him. For all of his talk about going slow, he was bobbing up and down between Levi’s thighs before he knew it, the sight of his blonde head there in the first place so thrilling that Levi had to bite down on his lip to keep himself from not coming down his throat instantly.

It was hard not too even after he somehow managed to get control of himself, because Erwin kept glancing up towards Levi’s face and back down again while he moved his mouth, watching him with an intent, focused look. His brows were drawn down seriously, and, well, the sight of his red, wet erection slipping in and out between his lips was one of the lewdest things Levi had ever seen. It made him groan, writhing next when he slipped his fingers in between strands of Erwin’s silky blonde hair, and he suddenly sucked on him so hard that it made his cheeks hollow out. 

Levi gasped at that, making a high-pitched sound and somehow managing not to buck up into Erwin’s mouth, quickly devolving into a shaking, shuddering, whimpering mess a few seconds later. His belly was hot and his thighs were tight, and he was going to come soon, he knew, even though he didn’t want to. It felt so amazing that he wished they could do this forever, but unfortunately, most good things had to come to an end - even blowjobs. 

It happened after another few seconds, after Erwin did something with his tongue that made Levi’s toes curl into the sheets, and he arched sharply and cried out, coming down Erwin’s throat in a hot rush. He swallowed it skillfully but Levi barely noticed, because by the time the pleasure had faded - leaving him trembling and sweaty - Erwin had already pulled off, and was licking his lips and eyeing him from between his legs. 

“Are you relaxed?” He asked breathlessly, tugging Levi’s pants off the rest of the way. 

For a moment, Levi didn’t understand his question. He was too dazed and boneless, too busy trying to fucking breathe to even comprehend what Erwin had said. When he finally could though, he immediately nodded, because the fact that he had even taken that long to respond was an answer in and of itself. He  _ was  _ relaxed, he knew, limp and still shaking every so often with a pleasurable aftershock, but he hadn’t forgotten that they weren’t done yet either. 

“Yeah.” Levi answered out loud a second later, biting his lip and watching while Erwin removed himself of his shirt. 

It gave him a view of the smooth chest and the lean, lightly outlined muscles he’d wanted to see so badly earlier, and although in reality, Erwin was halfway between having the body of a man and a boy, to Levi he was always the most gorgeous, mouth-watering thing he’d ever seen. It wasn’t any different then, and that, plus the way Erwin’s red, swollen lips shown underneath the light, did a lot in helping his hard-on come back. That was one of the few good things about being a teenager he’d discovered, and in fact, he didn’t think he even went all the way soft before he felt his dick start twitching again with interest in between his legs. 

Erwin noticed too, and smiled when he saw it, his lips curling upward in an expression that turned focused almost just as quickly. 

“Alright.” He said, gently placing his hand on Levi’s thigh. “Turn over.”

At that, Levi swallowed, tensing up as a sharp jolt of nerves went through him. It was because this was it; they were going to start, and he knew that if for any reason he didn’t want to do this he needed to say so now. The thought barely crossed his mind before he was ridding himself of it though, because under no circumstances did he want to quit. He was ready and excited even if eyeing Erwin’s straining bulge made his stomach flip so violently he thought he might be sick, because although it was fucking huge, Levi trusted Erwin. He’d read articles, he’d said, and he’d done research. He knew what he was doing, and it was going to be fine.

With all of that in mind, Levi nodded again even though Erwin hadn’t asked him anything, taking a deep breath before he slowly rolled over until he was lying facedown on the bed. He spread his legs and settled onto his stomach, and saw Erwin go for the lube he’d bought out of the corner of his eye, chewing on his lip nervously at the sounds of him opening it. He spread it over a finger and then placed his free hand on the back of Levi’s thigh, squeezing it reassuringly as Levi’s heart hammered in his chest. Then Erwin slid it up to his ass and asked him if he was ready, and although Levi nodded with certainty, an hour and a half later he was on Erwin’s couch downstairs, wrapped in a blanket and wearing a pair of boxers.

They were Erwin’s and they were far too large, but Levi barely noticed, as his mind was on other, far more important things, his thoughts turning over and over again in his head while he waited for Erwin to return from the kitchen. He did a minute later, dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie, and carefully carrying a cup of hot chocolate which he handed to Levi with a concerned expression on his face. 

“I’m sorry.” He said, causing Levi to look up and take the drink.

“For what?”

Erwin kept his head up but glanced down at the floor, frowning in a way that obviously spelled regret. “I hurt you.” 

“No.” Levi scoffed, scowling and shaking his head. “It’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t. They hadn’t had sex, yeah, but it wasn’t because of anything Erwin had done. In fact, Levi wasn’t sure what exactly had gone wrong, except for that fact that once Erwin had started to put a third finger inside him - at his request, too, because it had felt so good that he’d wanted to keep going - the stretching had started to become too much. It burned and became uncomfortable, and no matter how hard Levi tried after that, he couldn’t relax. That made him frustrated, but the more worked up he got the worse everything else became too, and although he shouldn’t have, he’d still told Erwin to go ahead and to try and stick it in.

That had been a mistake, but he didn’t want them to  _ not  _ do it after all the build-up. He didn’t want them to be unsuccessful because then he would be disappointed, and he had to at least try, right? That’s what he’d convinced himself of when he told Erwin to just do it, ignoring the look of concern on his face even as he listened and tried anyway. Levi hadn’t let on to just how uncomfortable he was, of course, otherwise Erwin would have stopped immediately, but he couldn’t hide it anymore when he felt the first press of Erwin’s dick, the tip of it stretching him beyond anything else they’d done so far. He wasn’t ready and it hurt enough to make him whimper like a fucking baby, the sound escaping his throat loudly before he could even help it. 

Immediately Erwin stopped and jerked away so fast it was like he’d been burned, asking Levi if he was alright and moving to look between his legs like he was checking to see if he was bleeding or something. That had just made Levi so embarrassed that he started to lose his boner, mortification causing him to jerk away too and bury his face into a pillow.

Obviously, after that they were done, and Erwin had kept his distance and refrained from touching him in any way whatsoever. It made Levi worry that he’d ruined things, that Erwin was disappointed and didn’t want him anymore or some shit like that because everything had gone wrong. Apparently, though, it was because he’d just thought he’d hurt him badly, because after he spoke, Levi reached out to take Erwin’s hand and in response he seemed to practically melt with relief. 

Levi, on the other hand, did not, as he was still disappointed that they hadn’t done it. He didn’t blame Erwin or anything, but he’d been so excited, so happy to finally do this that it sucked to fail like that - especially because he’d convinced himself that it would be fine, no matter how nervous he’d been before. 

He didn’t understand, though. Why had he gotten so uncomfortable? Sure, Erwin had never stuck more than two fingers inside his ass before but that had always been fine, so why did one more make that much of a difference? He couldn’t figure it out because of his inexperience, and so instead of realizing that they’d just gone too fast, another inaccurate, horrible thought popped into his head instead. 

“What if I’m too small?” He blurted suddenly, sounding strained because his eyes had suddenly grown wet with tears.

He managed to blink them back thankfully, but that didn’t stop the rush of fear that swept through him, immediately followed by humiliation, anxiety, and self-hatred, all because of the thought that if this was because of his  _ stupid  _ height, then they would never be able to do it because Levi was never going to fucking grow.

“Levi.” Erwin said though, sitting down beside him and gently wrapping an arm around his shoulders. It was like he was still a bit hesitant to touch him, nervous that Levi might jerk away like he had in the bedroom, but he could tell that he was upset now and wanted to comfort him. “That doesn’t have anything to do with it, I’m sure.”

“How do you know?” Levi said wetly, staring down at his hands. 

“Because I watched porn, like you said.” 

His comment was probably meant to cheer Levi up, to remind him of how he’d teased Erwin earlier that night when he’d told Levi about the research he’d done. It did the tiniest bit even if he still didn’t know if Erwin was being serious or not, mostly because it reminded him that he’d seen porn too, porn with guys who were just as small as he was doing it with their much bigger, much  _ thicker  _ partners. 

“It’s a lot, but I know you can stretch.” Erwin continued. That caused Levi to blush and bite his lip, gradually leaning into him all the same. “You can take it. We just have to go slow.”

“We  _ were  _ going slow.” Levi protested, because at the time, he’d felt like Erwin had stalled with two fingers up his ass for an eternity.

“Yes, we were, but then we both got impatient. I shouldn’t have listened to you when you told me to hurry up.”

Levi made a face at Erwin’s teasing tone, feeling better enough by then to shove at him. That caused him to smile, but only for a moment before it fell and his face turned serious again.

“I’m sorry, Levi.” He said like he had before, even as Levi rolled his eyes. “We can try again. Or, ah...you can try it on me, if you’d like. I don’t think I’d mind.”

At the thought of doing to Erwin what  _ Erwin  _ had been doing to  _ him _ , Levi’s cheeks went scarlet all over again. It wasn’t a bad thought, not at all, but he wasn’t sure and he knew he wanted Erwin to be on top more than anything. That was how he always imagined it, and although he imagined too that one day he might put it up Erwin’s ass, he didn’t want to give up on doing it the other way yet either. 

“Maybe after you stick it inside me first.” Levi said in response, feeling a lot better, because more than make him wonder what reversing their planned position might be like, Erwin’s words reminded him of what he’d asked him earlier that night.

_ Will you marry me one day? When we grow up?  _ He’d said, and at the memory, Levi felt a swell of happiness so strong that it completely drowned out any of the lingering disappointment and frustration he still had from what happened in bed. 

That was all that mattered, he thought, because as much as he did want to go all the way, at least he knew that they didn’t have to rush. They had all the time in the world to try again, because they were going to grow up and live together and get married, and at some point, he figured, they would probably, eventually figure out how to have sex.

Cheered up from that, Levi twisted to wrap his arms around Erwin’s middle, sighing when Erwin did the same. They relaxed into the hug and then started kissing, and although Levi was a little sore, it didn’t stop them from finding another way to enjoy themselves right there on Erwin’s couch. It tired them out enough to go to sleep afterward, going back upstairs, cleaning themselves off, and then curling up together back in Erwin’s bed underneath the covers. 

It was nice and warm there, and Levi drifted off with his head pillowed on Erwin’s chest, snug up against him, and woke up the next day around lunch with their limbs still tangled together. He kissed Erwin awake and they laid there for a few minutes, facing each other on the mattress and just blinking sleepily. Levi felt the usual warm affection and longing swell in his chest while he looked at him, along with a bit of growing melancholy because he knew he was going to have to go home soon. He didn’t want to get up, but eventually Erwin forced him out bed by ripping a huge fart, and Levi was forced to climb out - practically scrambling out from underneath the blankets - so that he didn’t get trapped in a cloud of noxious gas.

“Shithead.” He told Erwin, even though he had nearly snorted with laughter at the sound of it. “You’re disgusting. That sounded like my uncle’s car.”

Erwin’s own laugh was muffled by his pillow, but then he got up too and wrapped Levi up in a tight hug. They stayed like that for a second and then got dressed, before going downstairs for a quick breakfast. Then, unfortunately, they had to go climb into Erwin’s dad’s car, because it was almost afternoon and if Levi didn’t get home soon his mother was going to get suspicious. He was surprised she hadn’t already called him, actually, but took that as a sign that he had time to kiss Erwin in his garage for another ten minutes before they finally left. 

The car ride was spent in a casual, somber silence though, because although they weren’t apart yet, Levi missed Erwin already. It was Saturday and he had to work the next day, and he knew he wouldn’t see Erwin again until Monday at school. That hardly counted because they couldn’t be alone like they wanted to be, and they certainly couldn’t kiss or fool around or even hug, really, because after the teasing they’d gone through because of Marie’s tattling, they always tried to keep their relationship out of the open there so that they wouldn’t have to endure shit like that again. 

“Erwin.” Levi asked when they parked down the street from Levi’s house, making sure that they were out of sight so that he could walk home from there without Kuchel seeing Erwin’s dad’s car. “Do you want to come over after school on Monday?”

“I don’t think I can. I have an honor’s club meeting, and on Wednesday I have an essay due. I’m sorry.”

Levi huffed and then frowned because Erwin was basically saying he was busy until Wednesday, and that was  _ so far away _ . Still, it didn’t stop him from mumbling something in response, and leaning over the car console to hug Erwin as tightly as he could. He wrapped his arms around his neck and buried his face against his chest, leaving it pressed there while Erwin embraced him back, squeezing him firmly. They clung to each other for a few minutes, just soaking in the other’s warmth and saying goodbye, until Erwin finally placed a kiss on Levi’s cheek and pulled away. 

“I’ll call you as soon as I get home.” He said, as Levi unbuckled his seatbelt.

“Text me, too.” Levi told him. 

Erwin nodded and told Levi he loved him and that he would see him at school, and then it was time for him to go. Solemnly, he climbed out of the car, shoving his hands into his pockets after Erwin had driven off and he’d waved. He walked to his house and unlocked the door, finding that although he wished they didn’t have to part, it actually, for once, hadn’t ruined his mood  _ too  _ much. 

It was because he hadn’t forgotten about Erwin’s proposal the night before, the way he’d basically asked Levi if he’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with him. That was what it meant, and there was a warmth that had settled in Levi’s chest ever since that wouldn’t go away, buzzing lightly instead whenever he thought about it. He couldn’t wait to finish growing up all the way so they  _ could  _ get married, he mused, suddenly imagining them both standing at an altar all dressed up in tuxedos before he could help it. 

Erwin was wearing white in his fantasy and impossibly handsome, smiling down at Levi while he slipped a ring on his finger. They were in front of a priest who led them in saying their vows, and when they were done, they kissed, and Levi’s mother cried in one of the front seats. It would be perfect, he thought, and then after that they would go on their honeymoon and do it the whole time, because of course by then they would have figured it out and everything would be easy. Even if it wasn’t, Erwin was his best friend, his boyfriend, and his soulmate, and what mattered to him the most, even at that age, was the knowledge that he would always be with him no matter what happened.

Those thoughts kept Levi in as cheery of a mood as he could possibly get, so much so that his mother actually noticed, after he found her in the kitchen and said hello instead of going straight to his room like he would have normally done. 

“Hi, Levi. How was Petra’s?” Kuchel said, from where she was mixing something in a bowl. 

“Fine.” Levi answered, seamlessly keeping his face straight as he lied. “What are you making?”

“Brownies.”

Levi bit his lip at that, leaning ver the counter where she was working to get a closer look at the dark batter she was stirring. Immediately, his mouth watered, and Kuchel stopped what she was doing to glance at him. 

“Do you want to lick the spoon when I’m done?” She asked, causing Levi to make a face. 

He wanted to say no because he was too old for shit like that; licking the spoon had always been something he’d done as a kid, but  _ not  _ as a teenager. Still, though, he couldn’t help but want it, because brownie batter was delicious and his mother’s was especially so. Naturally, Kuchel could practically read his thoughts, and ended up handing him the spoon after she finished mixing even though he’d never answered her. 

Levi stared at it before begrudgingly taking it a second later, scoffing and jerking his head away when Kuchel then ran her fingers through his hair. 

“Stop, mom.” He said, grumbling as he reluctantly licked the chocolate mixture off the spoon.

“Sorry. I can’t help it.” Kuchel said. She poured the brownies into a pan, carefully watching Levi while she did so with a small smile on her face. “What’s gotten you into such a good mood?”

In response, Levi shrugged. He knew why, but was it something that he could tell his mother? He didn’t see why not because it was nothing bad, but on the other hand, did he actually want to tell her? He found that he actually kind of did, oddly enough, even though in the past he had kept things like that from her because he’d been embarrassed. This would make him flustered too, he knew, but he was incredibly happy for once - so happy that he actually wanted to share with someone why. 

“Um.” He started, averting his eyes while he finished the last of his snack. “Erwin told me he wanted to marry me one day.”

“Oh.” Kuchel said, the smile she’d been wearing faltering immediately. 

Levi had looked back at her by then and definitely noticed, his brows drawing down in concern. He felt defensive too, as someone his age tended to get at just the tiniest sign of irritation from a parent. What was the problem? He wondered. What could she  _ possibly  _ find wrong with what he had just told her?

“What?” He asked, his expression twisting into a preemptive scowl. 

“Nothing.” His mother said. Her smile returned, although Levi could tell that it didn’t meet her eyes. “I didn’t mean to upset you. That’s great, Levi, but that’s a very long time from now, too.”

“So what?” Levi asked, bristling more and more by the second. 

What did that matter? Erwin wouldn’t have asked him if he wasn’t sure about it, and they’d already been in a relationship for three years. They loved each other, and  _ wanted  _ to get married. Why was she acting like that might change in the future?

“It’s alright. Don’t worry about it, Levi. Just forget I said anything.” Kuchel just said in response to his question though, causing Levi to become even more frustrated. 

She was backtracking, and he didn’t understand why, not when she’d already made the comment and Levi had fucking heard her. Now he was bothered, and although a few seconds later he figured she was just being weird and protective like she sometimes got when he mentioned Erwin, it still annoyed him. He’d been happy about what Erwin had asked him and he’d wanted to tell his mom, and instead of getting excited like he’d expected her too, she’d just started saying ominous shit that Levi didn’t want to hear - especially not after the years he’d gone through of believing that Erwin would never return his feelings. They’d certainly come a long way from that, after all, and Levi would never not be in almost disbelief that he was going to get everything he’d ever wanted. 

“Mom. Aren’t you happy for me?” He asked a few minutes later because of his thoughts, in a quiet voice that he couldn’t help. 

It seemed to relay some of the disappointment and concern he felt at his mother’s response, and Kuchel noticed immediately. She bit her lip and walked over to him with an expression of regret on her face, embracing Levi in a tight hug and running her hand through his hair again.

“Of course I am, sweetheart.” She said eventually, cupping Levi’s cheek so that he would look at her. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No. I’m the one who should be sorry, Levi.” Erwin responded, his fingers limp and unresponsive as Levi squeezed them, staring up at him with a twisted, already crushed expression. “I didn’t want to tell you because I think I knew it would turn out like this, but you’re right to be angry. It’s not fair to you.”
> 
> “What are you saying?” Levi practically choked, watching Erwin’s eyes, dull and sad and focused not on Levi, but on the ground in front of him.

“Erwin…” Levi mumbled quietly, shifting underneath the covers in bed lazily and swallowing to coat his dry throat.

His head lolled to the side and he turned over, stirring awake out of the fog of sleep just enough to realize that he was cold and his boyfriend was no longer wrapped around him. He reached out with a clumsy hand, intending to throw his arm over Erwin’s side and curl up against his warm back, but cracked his eyes open suddenly when rather than land against smooth skin, his fingers only brushed the tops of cool sheets. 

Apparently, he realized with a frown, Erwin had already gotten up. 

Stirring some more, Levi lifted his head to look around the room, his vision wavering a bit as he struggled to focus.  _ What time was it?  _ He wondered, reaching out with a fumbling hand for his phone on the bedside table to check. His fingers knocked it off and he cursed, the sound of it clattering to the ground causing him to grimace and then groan as he leaned off the edge of the bed to grab it. 

It was 8:45 AM he saw then, practically collapsing back against the mattress at the realization so that he could rub his eyes and think. What time had they gotten home last night? When had they gone to sleep? He couldn’t remember because he’d been too drunk, and after lying there for a bit he decided that the last thing he recalled was Moblit and Gerger convincing them to take another round of shots before he blacked out, and before Erwin had apparently brought him back to his dorm afterward.

What they'd done then remained a mystery, but Levi was pretty sure they didn't fuck because his boxers were still on and his ass felt...well,  _ unused _ . There was no way he would have had the coordination to do anything to Erwin either, unfortunately, and found himself disappointed, because he’d been looking forward to spending some alone time with Erwin all day yesterday after they’d gone out. He hadn't meant to get wasted, but he was 19 and Erwin lived in a college town, and Levi was still learning his limits.

Regardless, it didn't matter now. Levi was awake and longing for Erwin to be with him there in bed, and although he wasn't surprised he'd already gotten up because it was a Monday, he was also out on a mid-term break, and Levi had taken the entire week off from work and school to visit him at his university. He was out of class for the next five days, and it just so happened that it was Erwin’s 20th birthday at the end of the week too. Levi had made plans to make it special for him and to give him a surprise, but even if he didn’t have that scheduled, all of their time together was always precious to him, no matter how long his visits were.

It was because, despite 16 year old Levi’s doubts that he would survive it, Erwin had ended up moving an hour and a half away to go to college after all. He’d been forlorn about it but somehow he’d managed, as it really wasn’t  _ that  _ far away, and there was a train that ran between their hometown and the school. They tried to take turns visiting each other on the weekends, but it was hard with Levi’s work - he was still employed at Mr. Ackerman’s grocery store and had been promoted to a manager by then - and the community college classes he was attending himself, not to mention Erwin’s own honors workload. Still, regardless of how often they saw each other, Levi always missed Erwin terribly when they were apart, and sought to make the most of their time whenever they finally found themselves together again.

This day was no different, and deciding that he was wasting time lying there, Levi first stretched, shifting underneath the covers again before slipping out of bed to go find Erwin. He squinted at the sunlight - ignoring the mess, because Erwin’s bedroom was fucking filthy - and wobbled a bit on his two feet, feeling a little dizzy too from being upright. Fuck, he wondered, as he shuffled over to pull on a t-shirt, was he still a little drunk? It was hard to tell when he was half-asleep, but he felt a little more alert after he'd taken a piss and brushed his teeth. Then, after padding out of the tiny bedroom, Levi found Erwin sitting at the table in the living area of his dorm suite, surrounded by his laptop, an assortment of books, and a large, folded up piece of paper that he was staring down at intently. 

It must have come from the envelope Levi saw beneath his hands, but even though Erwin was reading it with so much concern that he didn't even notice Levi at first, he didn't think much of it and assumed that it was just school shit. Erwin was clearly studying if the mess of textbooks and articles said anything, but despite the fact that studying seemed like  _ all  _ he ever did these days, he had assured Levi that he'd have time to spend with him too when he’d decided to visit. That was why he didn't feel the least bit guilty in walking over to Erwin and plucking the paper out of his hands, setting it aside on the table so that he could climb over his thighs and smoothly slide into his warm, welcoming lap. 

“Erwin.” He said by way of greeting, winding his arms around his neck and pressing his face into his chest - bare, thankfully, because he was still only dressed in pajama pants.

“Good morning.” Erwin murmured automatically, his hands encircling Levi's waist as he pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Did you sleep well?”

Levi nodded, melting into Erwin's warmth, nearly sighing in contentment now that he had it. He’d imagined that he’d probably hugged Erwin a lot like this the night before, but because he’d been so trashed he couldn’t remember it, and now all of those hours felt like a complete waste. Wanting to make up for what he’d forgotten, Levi hugged Erwin tighter and snuggled more into his firm chest as much as he could, running his fingers through the five or six strands of hair that had started to grow there, much to his delight. Then he kissed his skin and looked up, finding that although Erwin was holding him close, he was looking over Levi's head at something on the table. His brows were drawn down and he was frowning so deeply that he looked worried, and Levi remembered the paper he'd been reading. What if it hadn’t been school stuff after all? 

“Hey.” He said then, sitting up in Erwin's lap and beginning to twist around. “What were you looking at?”

He'd intended to reach for the paper so that he could glance at it, but before he could Erwin stopped him, grabbing his wrist and diverting his attention by dropping a quick kiss onto his mouth. 

“It's nothing.” He said immediately, murmuring the words and rubbing Levi’s back while he relaxed into him again. “Just some information for school.”

His lips curved up when Levi pulled away as if to reassure him, but his blue eyes didn't brighten like they should have. His smile hadn't reached them, but unfortunately, Levi took it to be something else rather than whatever paper he'd been looking at. It was like that a lot these days with Erwin, who often fell into moods where he was downcast and somber, or tense and concerned with...well, with something Levi didn’t understand. 

It was obvious to him, because although Erwin was subtle and always tried to hide it, Levi wasn’t stupid. He also knew Erwin better than anyone, and had learned a long time ago how to tell when something was wrong with him just from the set of his brows or the stiffness of his posture. However, even though it was clear to him, whenever he asked Erwin always brushed it off, reassuring him with basic platitudes and telling him not to worry, even though Levi had no fucking idea how he was supposed to  _ not  _ worry. 

Even if he wasn’t willing to admit it to himself, Erwin had changed since high school. He wasn’t the same talkative, excitable kid he’d been before, and even though Levi still loved him more than anything, the fact that Erwin didn’t open up to him like he used to made him fret that it was all because of him. How could he not, when he didn’t know what else could be bothering Erwin, and why he wouldn’t let Levi in on it in the first place? He didn’t understand, but the thought that Erwin might be unhappy with him terrified him more than anything else, because losing Erwin was the one thing that he knew he wouldn't be able to bear, even after all these years. 

But, he tried to tell himself, if Erwin  _ was  _ dissatisfied with him for whatever reason, he'd break up with him, right? He wouldn't stay in a romance with him if he didn't want to be, and he was still there, wasn’t he? He was, and had never given Levi any signs that he wanted out of it, but what did it mean that Levi couldn’t make him happy? Was there something  _ wrong  _ with their relationship because he didn’t? 

Levi didn’t feel like there was on his end, not really, but the fact that Erwin wouldn't open up to him about certain things as much as he'd like bothered him, because even if he was doing it not to worry Levi like he suspected, it made him feel like some sort of wide gulf had opened up between them. He felt like their connection was splintering sometimes, like they were drifting apart and there was nothing he could fucking do about it when Erwin was sad. He wanted to aid him too, to try to fix what was bothering him if it was possible, but how could he even try when Erwin wouldn’t let him in? It made him feel helpless and self-conscious and full of doubt, and all in all, it was a horrible feeling that Levi wouldn't wish on anyone - not even Marie.

Unfortunately, right then, he caught his stomach starting to sink with it though, because he could tell that Erwin was in one of his moods and as usual, he had blown it off when Levi started asking him questions.

“Are you sure?” He decided to press after a moment, narrowing his eyes suspiciously and shifting in Erwin’s lap. 

He wanted to twist out of his grip to grab the paper too, despite his protests, but didn’t want Erwin to get upset with him for prodding. The last thing he wanted to do was start a fight and ruin their day together, so instead of moving, he just stayed still, fixing Erwin with an intent look and hoping, as always, that he would decide to tell him what was really bothering him rather than keeping quiet.

He didn't, of course, not this time. His expression remained the same, blank and impenetrable, and he continued to smile as reassuringly as he could down at Levi. He nodded too and Levi bit back a sigh, averting his eyes and slumping back against his chest. He tightened his arms around his middle and held him like that because at that point, he didn’t know what else to do, and huffed when he felt Erwin nosing at the top of his hair a few moments later. 

“Don’t worry.” He said, because he wasn’t an idiot either and could probably tell that Levi was concerned. “I’m just a bit stressed from class.”

“You’re always fucking stressed from class.” Levi replied, rolling his eyes at the familiar excuse.

It was one that Erwin commonly used, and although Levi didn’t think he wasn’t  _ not  _ stressed from class, he also suspected that it wasn’t the only thing going on. Erwin laughed softly though and offered no other explanation, shifting so that he could press a kiss to Levi’s ear, and then his cheek. “Yes, but that’s part of university, apparently.”

“Not for me.” Levi scoffed.

It was true; his college experience had been pretty easy so far, but that was probably because he was only taking two general classes while Erwin had 18 hours of real coursework. He was constantly writing a paper, studying for an exam, or reading one of his many assigned books, and Levi didn’t doubt that the lack of sleep and stress did anything to help his moods. However, college had been Erwin’s dream and he’d gotten a scholarship, and even if Levi wished that he didn’t work himself so hard, he would never suggest that Erwin give it up or anything like that even if he missed him. 

“I know.” Erwin said, his lips now at the corner of Levi’s mouth. “Sometimes I envy you.”

Levi shivered and bit his lip while Erwin spoke, because he could now feel his cheek rubbing up against his, the prickly morning scruff from where he needed to shave chafing across his skin. He liked the way it felt and shifted a bit in Erwin’s lap, intent on enjoying the way his big arms were wound around him too, and then turned his head, intending to capture Erwin’s mouth in a kiss. Erwin met his lips with his own immediately - he’d probably been coaxing Levi in that direction on purpose, after all - and sank down in the chair a bit while Levi leaned into him.

“You know what I envy?” Levi responded eventually, lifting his hands up so that he could cup Erwin's cheeks.

Their foreheads were pressed together and they shared another kiss, and then another, the embrace lingering once Levi slipped his tongue in between Erwin's lips to taste him. 

“What's that?” Erwin murmured when he finally could, one of his hands coming to rest on Levi's thigh as he spoke.

“The fact that you can drink just as much booze as me and not end up shitfaced.” 

At that, Erwin blinked, his fingers halting from where they'd been creeping up under Levi's boxer shorts. Then, he laughed, because clearly he had not been expecting Levi to say that, and Levi was glad to see that his smile seemed a lot more genuine this time. 

“I'm fucking serious.” Levi continued, tangling his fingers in Erwin's hair. He tugged playfully and then scowled when Erwin laughed again, not because he was actually annoyed, but because he knew it would amuse him. “We took the same amount of shots, but I can't remember anything.”

“Yes, you were quite out of it.”

“What did we do when we got back?” Levi asked, partly because he was actually curious, and partly because he hoped he hadn't done anything stupid or embarrassing.

“Not much.” Erwin said, tilting his head back when Levi kissed his jaw. He resumed sliding his fingers inside the leg of Levi's boxers, tickling him just underneath the hem of it teasingly. “You tried to take my pants off, but you weren't very successful.”

“So we didn't fuck then?” Levi asked, a preemptive thrill running through him.

“No. You were far too drunk for that.” Erwin replied.

His tone was low and his eyes had gone lidded, and although Levi had developed a bit more patience for things like this than when he'd been 16, it wasn't much, and it wasn't enough to keep him from tugging Erwin down for a real kiss by the neck, using his other hand to lift Erwin's from where he'd still been resting it on Levi's thigh to plant it right over his ass cheek. He'd pulled it around and Erwin did not miss his meaning, squeezing it immediately and opening his mouth when Levi nipped at his bottom lip. He kissed him eagerly like that for a few moments, licking into his mouth wetly and arching to push his backside out into Erwin's big palm, letting out a pleased sound when he felt his hard cock pressing right against his front too. He'd missed that, he thought, almost as much as he'd missed Erwin himself, and now that they were locked in an embrace like this after weeks of not being able to see each other - and, of course, missing out on it the night before - Levi felt all his pent up frustration start to translate into intense arousal. 

Suddenly, his mind was no longer on what had been bothering Erwin before, because he was sitting in his lap and they were half naked, and he needed Erwin to be inside him more than anything else. Unfortunately, his fingers could never satisfy him in the way that his cock could when he was away, and the Skype sessions they had sometimes weren’t enough either. He was horny and he hadn’t had this in a few weeks, and Levi could no longer resist grinding against Erwin any longer, rolling his hips and palming at his chest greedily, twisting a nipple too and relishing in the quiet gasp that he received from above him in response.

“Erwin.” He panted, lowering a hand over Erwin’s stomach a moment later, slipping it inside his pajama pants to wrap thin fingers around his erection. It was heavy and hot against his palm, and even though he squeezed it gently, Levi was the one to groan needily rather than Erwin. “I missed your big cock. I'm not drunk now, take me back to fucking bed.”

Luckily, despite the fact that some things had changed between them, they still never had any problems in this department, and Erwin didn’t waste another second before he was hauling them both out of the chair, picking Levi up and gripping his thighs so hard to carry him away that he thought he might bruise. Levi wrapped his arms and legs around him, naturally, and somehow they made it to the bedroom like that, practically falling onto the edge of the mattress with Levi on his back and Erwin on top of him a few moments later.  

Immediately, Erwin went to ruck up Levi’s t-shirt roughly, pushing it over his stomach so that he could dip his head down to swirl his tongue around his bellybutton wetly. Levi squirmed because it tickled though, and what ensued then was more like a brief wrestling match than anything else, as in an attempt to push him onto his back, Levi grabbed at Erwin’s shoulders but was almost immediately thrown onto his side from the momentum. Erwin’s arms interlocked around his waist to toss him over before he could even do anything about it too, an amused smile growing on his lips because of their roughhousing that Levi felt through their messy, rough kisses.

They rolled around in the sheets a bit more, their legs tangling together and their arms fumbling to grope at whatever part of the other’s body that they could reach, until they finally ended up with Levi straddling Erwin’s waist, grinding his ass - now bare, as at some point Erwin had jerked his boxer shorts off - against his still clothed cock hard enough to get him to freeze. 

He groaned too, Levi was pleased to see, and grabbed his waist, digging his thumbs into his hip bones to help him move. For a moment their eyes met while Levi panted and arched his back, and even though his head was swirling with lust and excitement, he was glad to see that Erwin’s were bright and full of energy too. Of course, there was also a spark of heat there, and that was what caused Levi to lick his lips, sticking a finger in his mouth next to wet it before he carefully slipped it between his own legs. 

“I’ve been thinking about riding you for two fucking weeks.” He said, exhaling a bit when he pushed the digit inside himself.

Erwin’s gaze, he noticed, was flickering between what was happening down there and his face, his hands sliding down from his waist to grip his ass cheeks tightly. He squeezed and groped them, spreading them apart while Levi fingered his ass as best he could, until his breath hitched harshly and suddenly Erwin was moving to fumble around on the bedside table for the lube.

After that, it was only a matter of opening him up, which Erwin did hastily and efficiently with Levi on top of him. He was already shaking and moaning and leaking everywhere by the time he was finally able to sit on his cock, a relieved groan making its way from his throat when he felt full and stretched like he'd been longing for all week. He gave himself a moment to adjust and then rode Erwin with gusto, panting and staring down at him over his red cheeks while Erwin bucked up to meet him and helped him grind down as hard as he could. He even slapped Levi’s ass a few times and made him cry out in surprise, before he found himself almost smiling as he arched and just bounced up and down that much harder in response to the sting. 

It was frantic and messy but it was incredibly enjoyable, and Erwin was so focused on watching Levi while he moved that it made him even more flushed and excited than he already had been. When he came, it was after he'd found the perfect angle that let Erwin's cock graze right against his prostate and started jerking off, shivering and still spilling all over his hand even as Erwin flipped them over so he could finish too. He pounded into Levi roughly, so hard that the bed was rocking against the wall, and had Levi been coherent enough to do anything but moan and choke out Erwin's name, he might have found himself reflecting, marveling at how far they'd come from the days when Erwin hadn't even been able to get his cock inside him to this, to Erwin fucking him in such a way that he could not have even dreamed of at age 16.

It was amazing though, and so was the feeling of Erwin coming inside him, spilling warm and wet somewhere deep with a grunt a few moments later after he'd given one last thrust. The feel of it and of Erwin stroking his back afterward made him practically hum in contentment, and he collapsed when Erwin pulled out and fell beside him, feeling sated in the way that nothing else other than a good fuck could bring him. He was so boneless that he was barely able to roll into Erwin’s side, practically flopping against him even as Erwin gathered him close and pressed a kiss to his cheek. He dropped another one onto his lips next, and then stroked Levi’s sweaty hair back away from his face while they laid on the rumpled sheets and caught their breath together. 

“That felt good.” Erwin said after a few moments, to which, of course, Levi agreed.

“Yeah.” He nodded, still panting heavily, shifting so that his face was pressed flat against Erwin’s chest. “If you hadn’t let me get so wasted last night, we could’ve fucked a lot sooner.”

At that, Erwin laughed, a low chuckle that Levi felt in the vibrations rumbling through him. He bent again too, nuzzling his hair, and tightened his arms around his shoulders.

“I missed you, Levi.” He said quietly, and although it wasn’t rare for Erwin to say such things, the words still took him by surprise, causing him to blink and then bite his lip at the warmth they caused to suddenly blossom inside his chest.

“Me too.” He said in a surprisingly soft tone, lifting a hand to cup Erwin’s cheek so that he could stroke it.

“I'm glad you came.”

“Where?” Levi answered, because now he was blushing. Still, he shifted onto his stomach, propping himself up on an elbow so that he could peer up at Erwin before giving him a kiss on the chin. “On your sheets?”

Levi knew full well that wasn't what Erwin had meant, but it made him laugh again loudly, pulling Levi that much closer into his arms so that he was basically lying on top of him. He buried his face into Levi's hair, holding it there, and for the moment he felt worry free, happy because Erwin was smiling and his blue eyes were shining brightly enough to make Levi’s heart swell. 

“No. To visit me.” Erwin murmured after a few seconds, squeezing Levi tightly. “I love you.”

“Yeah. I love you too, Erwin.” Levi replied, snuggling closer after taking in Erwin’s expression one last time.

It made him feel like things were alright, that he’d been worrying for nothing after all, because Erwin certainly didn’t seem downcast now. Perhaps he’d just been overthinking things, or blowing his anxieties out of proportion - something that he was well aware he’d done in the past. That must have been it, he thought, because Erwin was holding him so tightly now that he was almost squeezing him, and he even had his eyes closed with a lingering, contented smile on his face. 

Unfortunately, though, it did not last, and Levi would soon realize within a few days that he had been very, very wrong. 

Erwin seemed alright for the most part the rest of the week, but he still wasn’t completely cheerful or his normal self. Clearly, he  _ wasn’t  _ fine as Levi had thought in his endorphin laden haze, and although it didn’t appear that anything in particular was bothering Erwin, something had him concerned. He was tense at times and Levi caught him with a slightly worried expression when he didn’t think he was looking, and it had Levi more anxious about his birthday surprise than he wanted to admit.

He’d been planning it for a long time, and actually had hopes that it would assuage some of his worries about their relationship. He found himself hoping that it would make Erwin happy again so that things could be like they were when they’d been in high school, when they were more carefree and when things had been simple. He wanted him to at least like the gift, but he couldn’t help his thoughts from shifting into fears that Erwin wouldn’t at all, or he would take it the wrong way or that it would actually make things worse instead of better. What if it wasn’t what Erwin wanted? What if he rejected it, and Levi was left heartbroken and humiliated?

Those were the types of thoughts that Levi battled as Erwin’s birthday drew closer, but still, he was hopeful enough that his gift would fix everything that he was determined not to let his nerves get the best of him. By the time the actual day rolled around he was prepared to go all out too, and went into overdrive as soon as he woke up. He cooked Erwin breakfast and brought it to him in bed, giving him a blowjob before they ate at 9:00 AM in celebration. Erwin was grateful and enjoyed it, and held Levi for a while after, until they decided they’d better get up. They spent the rest of the day together just being lazy, playing video games in their underwear and watching TV until late afternoon rolled around, and it was time for Levi to cook them an early dinner. 

He was making a honey roasted chicken recipe with herb crusted potatoes that he’d learned from his mother just for this occasion, and had even already prepared tiny, individual chocolate cakes for dessert. He banned Erwin from entering his suite’s tiny kitchen while he prepared it, partly because that was supposed to be a surprise too, and partly because a nervous flutter had started building in his chest that he couldn’t control. 

A voice in the back of his head accompanied it, making him worry more and more that Erwin wouldn’t like the gift he was going to give him and that everything would go wrong. It threatened to distract him from his cooking, but he forced himself to concentrate, focusing on the recipe books he’d brought to make sure that he followed each step correctly because everything had to be perfect. 

He managed well enough, and while the chicken was in the oven he went to set the table before he had to put the potatoes in. He eyed Erwin while he did so, noting that he’d gone back to studying again now that Levi was busy in the kitchen and had already buried himself in a pile of books and papers. He was typing away on his laptop when Levi entered the room, giving him a small smile over the top of it as he arranged silverware, plates, and glasses neatly on top of a red tablecloth. 

He even lit candles and dimmed the lighting over the seats, and although it made his cheeks warm a bit because it was kind of stupid and cheesy, he knew Erwin  _ liked  _ stupid and cheesy, flashing back to the times in high school when Erwin had done shit like surprising him with so many boxes of caramels on Valentine’s Day that he’d been eating them for months, or always presenting Levi with flowers on their anniversary - including an additional rose every year for each one that they had been together.

There was also the preemptive proposal he’d given Levi when they’d been 16, something that he’d never forgotten, and something that had factored into the surprise he had for Erwin later. He hoped Erwin hadn’t changed enough to not want that anymore, telling himself that there was no reason for him to, that just because they’d grown older it didn’t mean that Erwin didn’t want to marry him anymore. He certainly didn’t seem to be thinking anything like that, anyway, because he watched Levi with a slowly widening smile the entire time he set the table, a slightly awed look appearing on his face when Levi folded the napkins skillfully and placed them over their plates too. 

“I didn’t know you were able to do that.” He murmured, causing Levi to scowl and flush in embarrassment. “I wish we could have real dinners like this more often.”

“Yeah.” Levi mumbled in agreement, biting his lip and peeking up at Erwin from where he’d been straightening wrinkles out of the tablecloth. 

He couldn’t help but marvel at how domestic it all actually seemed after that comment, with Erwin working while he cooked dinner. It was like they really were married, he thought, except for the fact that they weren’t. However, if things went well that night with Levi’s surprise then they might possibly be one step closer to it, at least, and Levi found himself hurrying back into the kitchen as the realization sent a fresh burst of nerves flowing through him sharply. 

It was time to put the potatoes into the oven anyway, and he needed to check on the chicken. He was worried about it drying out, but it looked and smelled good already, and it all ended up tasting that way too, once it was done and he and Erwin finally ate at Levi's meticulously decorated table. Erwin practically devoured his, telling Levi more than once how much he liked it, and while Levi was slower to eat, the both of them together ate almost everything. They still somehow managed to save enough room for dessert though, which Erwin dug into eagerly once Levi brought it out and he’d blown out the candle that had been stuck inside the top of the cake. It was crafted in the shape of the number 20, and although there was no way in hell Levi was going to sing ‘happy birthday’ to Erwin, he whispered it into his ear anyway after he’d set the plate down and hugged his neck tightly.

“Thank you, Levi.” Erwin told him after he’d eaten about half of it, taking his hand underneath the table from where they were seated beside each other. “Everything was delicious.”

“Yeah. Happy birthday.” Levi mumbled again, biting his lip and feeling a little warm, leaning into it all the same when Erwin bent to kiss his cheek.

“You didn't have to go to all this trouble, you know.” Erwin told him next, taking a big bite of cake. 

A bit of icing stuck to the corner of his mouth, and Levi grabbed his napkin almost unconsciously, reaching up with it to wipe Erwin's face gently. 

“I had to.” He said, when Erwin smiled. “It's not every day my boyfriend finally becomes an old man.”

In response to that, Erwin just chuckled. 

“Look at you, you can't even feed yourself properly anymore.” Levi continued, teasing Erwin for getting food on his mouth. 

“Well, you're not much better. You've got something on your nose.”

Levi scrunched his face up in confusion at that - how had he gotten food on his nose? He hadn't even touched it. On instinct, he started to lift his napkin to wipe it off, but before he could Erwin had suddenly dipped his finger in a dollop of icing on his plate, wiping it directly across Levi’s nose and cheek in an instant.  

“What the fuck?” Levi blurted, shoving Erwin's arm away as he laughed. 

He wrapped an arm around Levi's shoulders too, ignoring his squirming, and bent to kiss his nose in an effort to get the icing off. He licked it and then mouthed at Levi's cheek too, and even though he was beet red because Erwin was being stupid but also impossibly endearing, affectionate, and lovable, he leaned into him, turning his head just enough so that their lips could meet in a sweet, lingering kiss. Erwin tasted like chocolate and he was smiling into it, Levi realized, and he felt so happy right then - filled with warmth and relief that so far, Erwin had liked everything he'd done for him - that he found himself cupping Erwin's cheek and then tangling a hand in his hair, pulling him closer even as he sought to practically climb into his lap on top of the dining chair. 

“Do I get to celebrate with you in bed, too?” Erwin asked a few moments later, breathing the question against Levi's lips as he pulled away. 

His cheeks were pink and his mouth still curved up into a small smile, and his eyes, Levi saw, were so bright and full of happiness that Levi was just tempted to say yes and to forget the rest of his plans, because the last thing he wanted to do was ruin this moment. However, he had to, because he’d gotten this far and he’d been thinking about it for months, and even if he was anxious, he couldn’t back down no matter what happened.

“Yeah, but wait.” He said, his voice a little breathless from nerves and their kissing. He licked his lips and sat back in his chair, sticking his hand in his pocket to wrap fingers around the small box that contained Erwin’s present. “I wanna give you your gift first.”

“A gift? After all of this, you bought me a gift too? Levi, that’s too much.”

Erwin’s protests started almost as soon as Levi spoke, predictable and genuine, but barely acknowledged by Levi himself, who was too busy battling his suddenly hammering heart and flip-flopping stomach. During the time he’d been planning this he’d always thought he might say something, speak a few words or some shit when he presented Erwin with what he’d bought, but now he didn’t know what to say. He felt like if he were to open his mouth right then he’d just embarrass himself even more than he already was now, so instead, after taking a deep, shaky breath, he pulled the box out of his pocket and just set it down on the table in front of Erwin.

“What-” Erwin began, cutting himself off immediately as his eyes locked onto the package. 

It was small, black, and shiny, and although Levi was now incapable of staring at anything but the tops of his knees, he saw Erwin sneak a glance between it and Levi’s face from the corner of his eye. For a single, long second, he was quiet, but then he took the box and opened it, and Levi suddenly felt so nauseous that he thought he might throw up all of his perfectly cooked dinner and chocolate cake. 

Somehow, he didn’t, but he didn’t think he breathed at all from the moment that Erwin’s fingers touched the box until he’d opened it either, staring at it with widened eyes for a few seconds before he finally looked down at Levi before speaking. 

“Rings.” He said simply, tipping them out of the box so that they rested in the palm of his hand. “Are you proposing to me, Levi?”

His expression was unreadable but his voice was soft, and that was probably the only reason that Levi was able to finally glance over at him. His look was still hesitant though, as Erwin hadn’t given him any sort of response that might assuage his tension and anxiety and still the racing thoughts in his head, but he somehow managed to nod after gazing from Erwin’s face to the two thin, silver bands that were resting on top of each other in his hand. 

They were shiny, and matched in every way except for the size, because of course Levi’s had to be small enough to fit his own thin finger. He’d saved up for almost a year so that he could buy them, and although the intent  _ was  _ related to marriage, he supposed, the red flush that had already covered his ears and face spread down to his neck after he answered Erwin’s question. 

“I guess.” He mumbled, biting his lip, still terrified that Erwin was going to reject what he’d given him. “I mean, maybe. I just thought...I don’t know, I’m not saying we have to get married or whatever right now, but this is more meaningful, Erwin, and it’s something that we can wear, and, uh... _ shit- _ ”

“I understand.” Erwin said, because Levi had started to stumble on his words the more flustered he became, and it was obvious that he was nervous. “They’re more like promise rings than engagement rings.”

“Yeah.” Levi answered hoarsely, nodding quickly, his eyes going wide at the words.

That sounded exactly like what the intent of them was, because, although Levi  _ did  _ want to marry Erwin one day, of course, he knew with Erwin in college that wasn’t going to happen right away. That was fine with him; he didn’t mind waiting, they were still young and it didn’t matter as long as they were together. But he’d been thinking for a while that it would be nice to have something that symbolized what Erwin had asked him all those years ago, something real that he could touch and see and that would remind Levi that although they weren’t engaged, they would be one day, that they were...well,  _ promised  _ to each other like Erwin had said.

Except, Erwin had not actually agreed to it yet, and Levi found himself jerking his head back over to look at him, far too anxious for an answer at that point to worry about Erwin witnessing him being about two seconds away from completely losing his shit. Unfortunately, it seemed like that was going to happen when Levi glanced at him, because although Erwin’s reaction had seemed favorable before, now he was staring at the rings in his hand with his brows drawn down and a small, tight frown on his face. Watching him, Levi felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest, a sudden, sick feeling rushing through his stomach too when Erwin met his gaze. 

“What?” Levi said, shakily. “Do you not fucking want it, or something?”

Immediately, Erwin shook his head. He reached out to grab Levi’s hand but Levi pulled it away, feeling too embarrassed, scared, and tense to do anything like that until he had an answer. 

“It’s not that, Levi. I want to wear it. I want to marry you one day.” Erwin said, staring at where Levi had jerked his fingers away with a stern look. 

“Then what’s the problem? Why aren’t you saying yes?”

“Because I need to tell you something first. I...” Erwin started, his eyes flicking up to meet Levi’s finally. He hesitated, and as always when Erwin didn’t immediately spit out what he wanted to say, Levi didn’t like it. He narrowed his eyes and braced himself for something heartbreaking, and although it wasn’t completely like that, it still baffled him and made him feel like he’d been stabbed in the gut. “I got accepted into a 6 year history program overseas.”

“What?” Levi said immediately, his face scrunching up in confusion. 

What the hell was Erwin talking about? A history program? Overseas? _ For six years? _

Presumably he meant at another university, but he was already in one. His major was writing, so how had he ended up getting an offer for something else? Had it just been random, or had he been looking for a while, researching shit like that without even letting Levi know?

“I'm not happy here.” Erwin said then, answering some of his unspoken questions. “I don't like this school, and my classes aren't what I'd thought they'd be. I've been thinking about switching to history, and applied to this program online on a whim. It's very prestigious and when I'm done, I'd have a doctorate. I'd be able to teach at the college level, which is more stable than writing. I never thought I'd actually get accepted, but-”

“Wait, are you...are you fucking going?” Levi interrupted, going from gaping at Erwin as he explained in continued confusion, to staring at him with what could only be described as a dawning, painful expression of realization.

Suddenly, it felt like he'd been shocked or something, his breath leaving him in a loud exhale as everything hit him at once and he slumped back into his seat. Erwin was going to leave, he realized, he was going to move halfway across the world and Levi wouldn't get to see him anymore, because an hour and a half was one thing, but a plane ride across the ocean was quite another. 

“They offered me a scholarship, Levi.” Erwin said, which answered his question well enough even though Levi had known he was already going to say yes. “I could start in the spring. I got the letter in the mail the other day.”

“You-” Levi started, stopping almost just as immediately as he'd opened his mouth because he'd realized something else.

Erwin had gotten the letter he was talking about while Levi had been there. It had been what he'd caught Erwin looking at on Monday morning after he'd woken up, and when he'd asked why Erwin seemed distracted and troubled, Erwin had told it was nothing. He hadn't told him; he hadn't told him  _ any  _ of this shit, in fact, and Levi had no idea that he'd been unhappy with his major or his school or anything else like that. Thinking about it, he supposed Erwin's spells of melancholy made more sense now, but it didn't change the fact that he'd closed himself off and hadn’t talked to Levi about any of this. He’d known Erwin hadn’t been letting him in - he’d suspected as much for months - but unfortunately, it hurt to finally find out for sure.  _ A lot. _

“You didn't tell me.” He said after another moment, his voice sounding raw and pathetic. “Erwin, you didn't-”

“I know, I m sorry. I didn't want to worry you, and I knew if  _ you _ knew I was looking at other schools it would upset you, and I didn't want to do that.”

“So you just fucking applied to one on the other side of the world and left out the fact that you'd got accepted?”

“No, as I said, I didn't think I would get accepted in the first place, and it didn't seem worth it to bother you for no reason. I assumed I would get rejected, and then it wouldn't matter. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you since I got the letter, but because of  _ this _ , I-”

Erwin meant the rings, Levi knew. He'd decided he'd needed to tell him because of the rings and had done so, but what if Levi hadn't given them to him? How fucking long would Erwin have waited to tell him then? He supposed that didn't really matter anymore, not really, because a better question was what about Levi's gift had made Erwin feel like he needed to let him know right then?

“You what? Decided that you’d better let me know in case I don’t want to wait six fucking years for you to come back?”

“Well, yes.” Erwin said simply after a moment’s pause, and because Levi had blurted his question before he’d really been able to think about it, Erwin’s response had him reeling all over again.

He opened his mouth, then closed it again before swallowing thickly. Then he shook his head, too flabbergasted to even begin trying to formulate what he wanted to say. He couldn’t believe this was happening, that Erwin had sprung this on him after he’d planned for months to give him a ring. What was Levi supposed to do? How could Erwin do this? How could Levi, for that matter, stand to be by himself for six years without Erwin? That was a long time, almost too long for someone his age to contemplate, and he’d basically be putting his life on hold while Erwin was gone. What if he waited all that time and because they never got to see each other, things fell apart anyway? What if Erwin found someone else while he was there? What if before that, Erwin broke up with him because he couldn’t take it either?

There were so many possible scenarios for how this could go wrong that Levi couldn’t even begin to fathom them all. He was worried, anxious, and embarrassed because of how his surprise had gone too - everything was ruined now, he thought - but above all, he was hurt that Erwin had not told him about his worries. He hadn’t even thought that this was something he needed to discuss with Levi before doing it either, because if he valued him and their relationship above all things like Levi did, than he would have - right?

That’s how he felt about it, and it didn’t even matter that Erwin had seemed to imply that he’d accept the ring if Levi was okay with this, because he  _ wasn’t  _ okay with this. He was angry, suddenly, confused and frustrated, and before he even knew what he was doing he was standing up from his chair, grabbing his jacket from where it laid on the couch and striding out the door. He slammed it behind him and made his way out of Erwin’s dorm building, so overwhelmed with swirling, half-panicked thoughts that he could barely think straight.

All he knew was that he needed to get outside because he needed fresh air, because if he had to sit in there with Erwin for another second he would explode, or worse, he’d start crying. He felt like he could now too, but they would be more angry, humiliated tears than anything. He’d been blindsided by this and he’d already been nervous and tense because of his gift, and although Erwin hadn’t necessarily refused him, in Levi’s view he might as well have. 

He felt like he was being discarded even if Erwin hadn’t broken up with him or anything, like he wasn’t even important enough for Erwin include him in his fucking decision making process. It embarrassed him and made him feel stupid along with all the other pain, because there he was thinking that even if he and Erwin didn’t have to get married right away, that he was at least devoting himself completely to him and to that idea in the future. 

Erwin was clearly not; he wasn’t even coming after him like he’d done in the past when Levi had gotten upset and ran away because he’d been scared that Erwin hadn’t wanted him. Why did this shit always happen? Levi thought, walking aimlessly with his hands shoved into his pockets before he realized that although he’d left like those times before, it was different. 

Tonight, it was because of something Erwin himself had done, rather than Levi running away because he’d realized he had a crush on him or Marie had fucking revealed his secret. It had never been because _he_ hadn’t wanted _Erwin,_ but it probably seemed like that now, and that was probably why Erwin hadn’t followed him. Was that the case, though? Levi wondered, biting his lip and gradually slowing his steps. No, of course it wasn’t. Even if he was pissed and hurt he still loved Erwin, and although the last thing he wanted was for him to move far, far away for six years, that didn’t mean he wanted to end things forever or break up. 

By then, he’d started to cool down a bit and most of his panic had passed, and he realized that while walking, his feet had taken him to the train station. Standing outside of it and staring at the doors, he found himself thinking that right then, he probably had a choice: either he could go in, board his train and leave Erwin for home - something that could result in the end of their relationship - or he could turn around, head back, and tell Erwin that he had overreacted. 

He had, a little, at least about the moving thing. He was being selfish about it again, he thought, just like he always tended to be when he was faced with the prospect of living his life without Erwin. It was hard for him to even fathom it because Erwin made him so happy, but it wasn’t fair of him to hold Erwin back, especially with this because Levi also knew that education was important to him. He’d managed to let him go this far after high school, but this was much, much more serious, and unfortunately, Levi had just flipped out.

It was because he’d already been stressed, probably, about his gift, and because Erwin hadn’t told him. That still stung, but he didn’t think it wasn’t anything they couldn’t work through together. Levi was willing to at least try, but regardless, he shouldn’t have gotten angry about Erwin’s announcement, because no matter how painful the thought of him moving overseas was, Levi didn’t want to lose him. Erwin was too important to him, and he would wait for him for the six years if he had to - fuck, he’d wait for him for the rest of his life if it meant that Erwin could eventually be his - so with that in mind, Levi spun around on his heel and started heading back to Erwin’s dorm as fast as his feet would take him. 

He decided to call him on the way to tell him he was coming back, because he felt like an asshole for storming out and slamming the door like he’d done. However, Erwin didn’t answer the phone, and Levi bit his lip when he heard his voicemail, a fresh pit of worry tightening in his belly and making him frown. He didn’t know why Erwin wouldn’t be answering unless he was mad at him, which, Levi knew, was certainly possible. But that entire time he hadn’t seemed angry, and had instead just acted calm and collected albeit a little concerned. It could just be a coincidence, but Levi couldn’t help but worry that something else was wrong, and his anxiousness nearly tripled when he got back to Erwin’s dorm thirty minutes later and Erwin wouldn’t let him up.

He had to ring the buzzer because of the university's stupid security, but instead of unlocking the door, Erwin just spoke through the speaker and told him that he would come down.  _ What the fuck?  _ Levi thought. Why wasn’t he letting him inside? That was really weird and gave him a sinking, sick feeling, and a few minutes later, when Erwin exited the building and approached him, Levi suddenly knew by the look on his face what exactly was about to happen.

“Erwin, I’m sorry.” He still blurted though, his voice already half panicked, reaching out to take Erwin’s hand when he stepped in front of him and hoping, wanting more than anything that this wasn’t going to turn out like he now suspected. 

“No. I’m the one who should be sorry, Levi.” Erwin responded, his fingers limp and unresponsive as Levi squeezed them, staring up at him with a twisted, already crushed expression. “I didn’t want to tell you because I think I knew it would turn out like this, but you’re right to be angry. It’s not fair to you.”

“What are you saying?” Levi practically choked, watching Erwin’s eyes, dull and sad and focused not on Levi, but on the ground in front of him. 

His brows were drawn down too like he was in deep thought, but what was he thinking about? There couldn’t possibly be anything to decide, as it seemed to Levi that he’d already made his choice before he’d even gotten back.

“We shouldn’t be together anymore, not if I’m going away.”

“No, Erwin, it doesn’t matter. Listen, I-”

“I don’t want to make you wait for me for six years. You don’t deserve that. I’m not good enough for you, and I can’t be there for you if I’m gone. You should find someone else who won’t leave you like this.”

“Erwin,  _ no _ .” Levi pleaded, his voice watery and thick with emotion. He shook his head frantically, still holding onto Erwin’s hand tightly, and struggled to look at him through two eyes that were rapidly filling with tears. He’d felt like a knife had slashed through his heart when Erwin had said the words he’d dreaded, a sharp, knee-weakening pain in his chest that only grew into deep, cold fear when Erwin refused to listen to him. “What are you talking about? That shit isn’t true, _ please. _ I love you and I don’t care if you’re leaving. I’ll wait, I just got scared earlier and I fucked up and got mad, I’ll-”

“I’m sorry, Levi.” Erwin said again, interrupting him, a finality to his tone that made Levi step back abruptly from shock.

He let go of Erwin’s hand in the process, staring at where his fingers slipped out of his own to rest limply at his side, before he managed to look up at him with his mouth hanging wide open. His eyes were scrunched up in pain too, but somehow, he’d managed to clench his fists at his sides so his hands wouldn’t shake. Standing there, Levi searched Erwin’s face for a moment in the hopes that he would see something there, anything that he could use or that might tell him that there was hope for him to convince Erwin that he was wrong and making a mistake. After a second, it became obvious that there was nothing, though. Erwin had steeled his features into something unreadable, and everything that Levi had always found in his eyes that had been meant for him - love and affection and warmth - was completely gone. 

It was over, he knew then. Erwin had ended things and there was nothing he could do about it, and when Erwin moved next, reaching into his pocket to offer Levi back the rings he’d presented him with earlier, he just shook his head, turning to flee back in the direction he had come because he couldn’t stand to look at them. 

This time he wasn’t running out of anger or frustration, but heartbreak, stronger than anything Levi had ever felt in his life. He was sick and dizzy and his chest hurt, almost like he couldn’t breathe, wet tears stinging his eyes as he walked to the train station as fast as he could. His mind was a whirlwind and he could barely make sense of what had just happened, only knowing that Erwin was gone, that all the happiness and contentment that he’d found with him over the years had just ended, and he had no idea what the fuck he was supposed to do now. 

It was a miracle he even got on the right train, finding a spot in the back corner of the car and sitting with his knees pulled up against his chest. He buried his face in his arms and sniffled, unable to stop hot, wet tears from spilling down his cheeks at that point from all of the hurt, disbelief, and shock that had finally sunk in. 

He felt empty, he realized, and missed Erwin already. He’d been with him for so long that he didn’t know what he was going to do without him, now that he wasn’t a mere phone call or train ride away anymore. He couldn’t talk to him whenever he wanted and he wouldn’t be able to see him, would never wake up in his arms again or get to hug him. Gone were there late night Skype sessions, dates, kisses, and video game marathons, and every single other thing, big or small, that had ever made Levi happy. 

It was the worst experience he’d ever had, Levi thought, wiping away a stream of tears from his cheeks, biting his lip so the stupid thing wouldn’t quiver. More wetness just fell from his eyes a second later because he couldn’t stop it though, and he wondered how everything had gone so wrong. They were supposed to get married, to stay together forever and grow old with each other. That’s what they’d promised each other when they’d been 16, but 16 was a long time ago and although they hadn’t been children, those had apparently been the immature, inexperienced words of two kids who hadn’t made it into the real world yet. 

Even now they were still young, and Levi didn’t understand why they couldn’t at least try and work it out. Erwin didn’t seem to want that though; he’d been determined, and Levi knew him well enough to know that whatever he’d said in that moment wouldn’t have mattered because he’d already fucking decided. His words had seemed born out of guilt, and because of that Levi blamed himself, as he felt certain that if he hadn’t reacted the way he did when Erwin had told him about his new scholarship that things wouldn’t have turned out this way.

He’d never know, but either way, he realized Kuchel had warned him about this a long time ago. She had known, somehow, or just suspected that their romance might end this way, and even if she’d just been overprotective, Levi didn’t care. She’d been right and he’d been wrong because he’d just dismissed her words, and although now he felt foolish and like he didn’t know what to do, right then he knew he just wanted one thing: his mother. 

Somehow, he managed to keep his eyes dry once he got off the train, dragging himself back to his house in despondence. He kept his hands in his pockets, one wrapped around his phone because part of him hoped that Erwin might call to tell him he’d made a mistake, but he didn’t, and by the time Levi made it back he’d just turned the damned thing off. He unlocked the door and turned on the hallway lights, already shut off because a few hours had passed while he’d been on his journey and it was late, and felt the first hint of relief he’d had all night when he saw that his mother’s bedroom lights were still on. 

He knocked on the door and entered when she told him to come in, finding her holding a book on her bed, her greying hair pulled up into a bun above her thick-rimmed reading glasses.

“Mom.” He choked out, feeling a fresh wave of sadness overtake him. 

Immediately, tears spilled over his cheeks again, and immediately, because  _ of course _ she did, Kuchel seemed to know what had happened. 

“Oh, Levi.” She said, her voice full of sympathy. “I’m so sorry.”

She moved to get up but Levi was striding towards her before she even could, climbing onto her bed so that he could lie with his head in her lap. He threw his arms over her knees and clung to her, crying into her pajamas like he’d done all those years ago when he’d been 8 years old and first thought that Erwin might not want him. He wouldn’t have ever thought that he’d be there again now, now that he was 19 and far too old to be weeping into his mother’s lap like a child. However, he couldn’t help it and he was beyond caring, too heartbroken and distraught and in need of comfort to feel embarrassed for doing it.

Kuchel certainly wasn’t going to say anything about that though, and even if she might have not been surprised because of what she told Levi all those years ago, she didn’t show it. 

“I’m here, sweetheart.” She just told him over and over again, her voice soothing as she ran her hands through his hair. 

She held him like she had when he’d been a kid, cradling him when his tears finally stopped for a bit but he didn’t get up. He was loathe to, and instead just stayed in that position in silence, staring out at the wall until he actually felt numb. It wouldn’t last, he knew, but he couldn’t cry anymore, and only then, after Kuchel sensed that he might be able to talk, did she ask him what happened. 

“Erwin is leaving.” Levi said simply, his voice cracking again despite how dry his eyes were. “He’s moving away, and he broke up with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRYYYYYYYY but i promise i won't end this fic without a happy ending |D


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Was it possible, he thought, that Erwin missed him as much as Levi did him? Did he think about him every day, even though he was half a world away and not even in his life anymore? Did he dream about him? Did he remember what it felt like to lie in his arms? Did he wonder where they might be then, or how their relationship might have grown had they not broken up?

Weddings were supposed to be happy, Levi thought, a joyous occasion meant to celebrate the love of two people. That was certainly what he was supposed to be doing at Mike and Nanaba’s marriage celebration, as they were his friends and he was glad they were happy. However, it was kind of hard when he was alone because he had no one to go with, or at least, alone and faced with his ex-boyfriend: Erwin. 

Of course he had come; Levi had never assumed otherwise. Mike had always been one of his best friends, and although Erwin had been away for awhile - how long had it been by then, Levi pondered, four years since they'd broken up? - he had indeed managed to make it back just in time for the wedding. His schooling couldn’t have even been finished yet, Levi certainly knew, but he was there, and not only that, he was a groomsmen too. He was in the damned celebration, Mike’s best man, and despite the fact that Levi might have  _ wished  _ Erwin wasn’t going to be there so that he could avoid the awkwardness, he had come, and Levi couldn’t skip out on his friends’ wedding just because he’d had a bad break-up. 

He’d thought about it though, and he even had half a mind to turn around and drive away when he got there and saw that Erwin had already arrived. He’d glimpsed him outside the venue talking to Nile and Marie almost as soon as he’d stepped out of his car, as apparently, much to his chagrin, almost half a decade without seeing each other had done nothing to assuage Levi's almost natural instinct to be drawn to the top of his blonde head in a crowd. In that instant, he couldn’t help but find himself struck by the sight of him either, his breath somehow taken away even at 24 by how tall and handsome he looked in the tuxedo he wore. It was an observation Levi couldn't help but make in the first second that he locked eyes on him, before a swell of emotion containing almost every bitter, angry, and hurt feeling he’d had in the years since their break-up set in, drowning out anything  _ else _ that might remain, such as longing. 

That was bullshit anyway, and it didn’t matter. He’d decided ages ago that it was pointless to focus on it, after the better part of a year spent suffering through the heartache that their break-up had caused him. It'd taken Levi a long, long time to get over it - or at least, to accept it - because even before things between them had turned romantic, Erwin had been a huge part of his life since he’d been a little kid. They’d grown up together and gone through all kinds of shit, and Erwin had always been there until suddenly, he wasn’t, and Levi realized that not only had he lost his boyfriend when they’d broken up, he’d lost his best friend too. 

It was awful and made him feel like shit, especially in the first few weeks after it had happened. He was adrift and lonely from the start and he didn’t know what he was supposed to do, finding himself wavering between anger, betrayal, and guilt and regret. The latter was because most of the time, when he replayed the events of that night over and over again in his mind - usually with his face buried into the pillow Erwin had always used when he stayed in his bed and imagining that he could still smell a lingering trace of his shampoo - he blamed himself. 

If he hadn’t exploded when Erwin had told him the news, he wondered, would things have turned out differently?

He thought about that a lot, and at times he was sure that it was all his fault. Other times, though, he felt pissed and hurt because of what Erwin had kept from him, and thought that he’d had a right to get as angry as he had. That was what Erwin had fucking said to him, after all, but even if it  _ was  _ true, Levi would never have reacted that way if he’d known it would result in Erwin ending their relationship. He hadn’t meant to make Erwin feel guilty about leaving even if it had upset him, and he would have given anything to be able to go back in time and change things, to find a way to ensure that he didn’t make the same, stupid, hurtful mistakes that he had before. Maybe if he could then they would still be together, but it was just impossible, and the only thing that Levi knew he could do then to make things right was to try and convince Erwin that he was wrong, that Levi  _ wasn’t  _ better off without him just because he would be gone. 

How could he be, when he was absolutely certain that there was nothing worse than this, than the painful, empty void he had in his heart now where his happiness used to be? He was miserable and Erwin’s excuses had been bullshit, because even if Erwin left for six years and he was lonely, at least he’d know that they were still together and that Erwin would eventually come back to him.

Now he didn’t have that; he didn’t even have Erwin as a friend, and Levi missed it so much that it was only a matter of time before his grief led to reckless behavior. A few weeks into their break-up he’d texted Erwin asking if they could talk, and when he didn’t answer, he tried again a month later. Then he left him a voicemail, and even though he knew as he was doing it that he was making a fucking fool of himself, he couldn’t help it. He wanted Erwin back, to at least try and go over this with him so that they could maybe work it out, or to just have one more chance to convince Erwin that his guilt was misplaced and that Levi needed him. 

Clearly, though, Erwin did not want anything to do with him. He wouldn’t respond to his messages and he had never tried to contact Levi himself, and naturally, it was only a matter of time before Levi began to wonder if he just hadn’t wanted to be with him anymore, and he’d said all of that shit instead of telling him the truth to soften the blow. It didn’t make sense, really, because if that was the case, why had he almost accepted the ring at first? Why hadn’t he just broken up with him sooner, before that, instead of dragging things out?

Logically, Levi didn’t think anything like that could be true, but he was too anguished to fight his doubts. Kuchel would have reassured him but Levi hadn’t gone to her again, not after that first night when he’d been so upset he’d barely known what to do with himself. He knew she worried and she had been as supportive as she could since then, but Levi was embarrassed and humiliated enough as it was, and crying in her arms again like a pathetic brat would just make it worse. Besides, she would probably tell him that contacting Erwin was a bad idea, and that he should just let it go and try to move on rather than spending all of his time pining over him.

She’d probably be right, he knew, but it was easy for her to say all that shit when she wasn’t the one who’d been dumped, when  _ she  _ hadn’t been rejected outside Erwin’s dorm after basically proposing because she’d said the wrong thing. If he’d been older, he might have realized that of course his mother experienced heartbreak, and that, in fact, she felt it every time she saw how distraught her son was, however, he was too caught up in his own hurt to recognize it.

Instead, he just made plans to go to Erwin’s house a few days before he was supposed to leave, because Kuchel had let it slip one morning at breakfast that his departure date was at the beginning of January. The thought filled him with enough nerves and fear at first to make him feel like he could puke, but, he knew, it was his last chance. If Erwin wouldn’t return his calls or messages then going to his house to face him in person was all he could do, and as much as the idea of the confrontation terrified him because if it went badly then he would be rejected all over again, if he didn’t at least  _ try  _ before Erwin left then Levi didn’t think he would ever forgive himself.

As a result, he ended up on Erwin’s doorstep a few months after their break-up, once he’d walked there forlornly, worrying at his bottom lip the entire time while his heart hammered in his chest. He almost turned around twice - once when he was halfway there and again when he made it to Erwin’s front porch and had to stop - but managed to remain steadfast, swallowing thickly and steeling himself as he eventually climbed the steps and rang the bell. He heard it echoing through the house before the sound of footsteps, and because he hadn’t yet forgotten Erwin’s, he was saved a few seconds of panic when he realized that his dad was coming to answer the door first instead of him. 

Mr. Smith opened it and was polite to him when he asked to see Erwin, but didn’t let him in, just left the door cracked while Levi waited for him to go find his son. He stood there while he did so with his arms crossed and a knot in his belly, reliving the experience of what had happened the last time he had to wait on a stoop for Erwin all over again. He felt his courage slipping from the recurring dejection and helplessness, but then, a moment later, he just felt sad, because when Erwin finally opened the door he saw piles of boxes and moving equipment littering their hallway, a visual reminder that no matter the outcome of this meeting, Erwin would still be packing his life away and leaving everything behind him - including, Levi thought bitterly, himself. 

Those thoughts disappeared instantly when Levi looked up into Erwin’s face for the first time since they’d broken up though, his heart lurching in his chest so violently when he saw him that his eyes widened. Suddenly, too, he felt such an intense longing that it made him almost freeze, his fingers twitching before he could help it as if he might reach out and grab Erwin’s hand for comfort. It was an instinct that he hadn’t quite lost yet, apparently, and for a second he found himself not only craving the warmth of his palm, but that of his arms too, wishing more than anything that he could grab him and press his face against his chest while Erwin held him tightly like he’d always done when Levi had been upset. 

He couldn’t, though. He couldn’t touch him or reach out to him, because he and Erwin had broken up and hadn’t talked since, and all of the lonesomeness and hope for comfort he had was why Levi had come there again to see him in the first place. 

“Levi.” Erwin said quietly then, before he could explain. “What are you doing here?”

He offered Levi a small, kind smile despite the way he was gaping at him, but it was stiff too, and it caused Levi to snap out of his reverie and school his features. Immediately, his ears started reddening and he scowled, averting his eyes to the side in an effort to put his guard up. It was a defensive measure, as was the way he grew tense and standoffish, but even so, on the inside his heart was pounding and his palms were sweaty, and his damned stomach had seemingly dropped down to his knees.

Still, though, he had to answer Erwin’s question. He had come there knowing that they were going to have to have this talk, and even if it hurt a lot more than he’d expected to even see him, he knew that no matter what ended up happening, he couldn’t back down.

“Saying goodbye, I guess, since you weren't fucking going to.” He said, mumbling his response and glaring at a portion of peeling paint on the front of Erwin’s house. 

“Levi-”

“Why didn’t you answer my messages?”

Erwin paused after Levi interrupted him, going silent for so long that Levi finally met his gaze again. Or at least, he tried to. Erwin wasn’t looking at him, he noticed immediately, he was staring at the ground in front of his feet instead, an unfocused look in his eyes amongst an expression that was otherwise unreadable. It made Levi frown, his stomach flipping sickeningly, because if Erwin couldn’t even meet his gaze then he probably shouldn’t have even bothered to come there in the first place. Still, though, Levi thought he deserved an answer despite everything, and so he forced himself not to glance away, keeping his own expression as steely and as blank as he possibly could until Erwin finally decided to speak. 

“I thought it best if I didn’t talk to you.” He said, after stepping outside and closing the front door, presumably to give them some privacy away from his dad. “I didn’t want to make you feel any worse than I already have.”

Levi swallowed, then shook his head. “We were best friends, Erwin.”

“I know.”

An awkward silence fell for a few seconds again after that, and Levi was not sure what to say in response. He hadn't known where those words had come from in the first place, really, except for the fact that he hated that he'd lost Erwin’s friendship just as much as everything else, too. Even if he couldn't have him back as his boyfriend, why did it mean that they never had to speak again? How had Erwin even managed to ignore him like that in the first place? How was all of this so fucking  _ easy _ for him, Levi wondered, while he'd been miserable and lonely this entire time, and was struggling not to lose his cool right then while Erwin just stood there silently staring at the shitty ground? He still had not looked at Levi, despite the heavy glances he’d been giving him, and for every second that passed where he didn’t, Levi felt his tension and dejection grow even worse.

“I'm sorry this happened.” Erwin finally continued though when Levi did not, speaking slowly like he was afraid he was going to lash out again. “I didn't want it to, but-”

“Then  _ why?”  _ Levi blurted then, his voice raising a bit beyond his control. 

Immediately, he tapped it back down though, clenching his fists at his sides and diverting his gaze to the ground. He bit his lip and took a breath, and then surprisingly, when he managed to lift his eyes back up, he saw that Erwin had finally decided to look at his face. His brows were drawn down and Levi could see the slightest hint of concern and regret in the way his expression was set, but as soon as he realized Levi had raised his head, Erwin’s gaze went to the side quickly. 

His face returned to its former stony set too, and Levi’s lips parted in confusion, uncertainty rushing through him because of what he’d just seen. A moment later, though, and he felt the smallest, slightest stirring of hope too, because although it had only lasted a split second, Erwin’s expression had faltered. Maybe, Levi thought, he actually had a chance of getting him back.

“Why did you break up with me?” He said, his voice starting out quiet, but then growing stronger as he forced himself to continue to speak. “I don’t care if you’re leaving, Erwin. Yeah, I think it's shitty, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore. I’ll wait for you, I tried to fucking tell you. I’ll wait for you to come back, for the whole six years if I have to. I love you, why can’t we just try? You were going to keep the ring if I hadn’t gotten mad, weren’t you? Why won’t you listen to me? _ Erwin,  _ please!”

Levi was surprised that he managed to say all of that without stumbling over his words, and even more without his voice cracking - especially because the end of his spill had turned into a plea when Erwin started shaking his head before he could even fucking finish. It was heartbreaking all over again, because whatever hope Levi had managed to drum up from what he’d glimpsed briefly in Erwin’s eyes moments before had been dashed just as quickly, and for all of Erwin’s resolve, Levi just could not understand why he was doing this after he’d seen it.

It would be a long, long time before he would even begin to, but right then, his confusion overrode his hurt, and like he’d occasionally felt every so often in the past few months, a wave of anger washed over him instead. It didn’t help when Erwin just mumbled another ‘I’m sorry, Levi,’ and started to turn like he was going to go inside, causing him to clench his fists and open his mouth to spout something that probably would have been hurtful.

If Erwin was so sorry, Levi wondered, then why was he doing this? Why was he hurting him if he didn’t want to? How could he, for that matter, when it seemed to be hurting him too? Didn’t Erwin care about him? 

Of course, it wasn’t that simple, and thankfully Levi managed to calm himself down almost as quickly as he’d gotten mad in the first place. Growing angry wouldn’t help - or at least, smarting off wouldn’t - and him getting pissed was what had started all of this in the first place. Taking a deep breath, Levi closed his mouth and then swallowed, looking away briefly and somehow managing to collect his thoughts and come to a quick decision before he spoke again.

“Erwin, wait.” He said, speaking softly. He caught Erwin as soon as he was about to open the front door again, his hand on the doorknob and getting ready to twist, and for a second Levi feared he would ignore him. However, he didn’t; he stopped and turned around instead, looking over his shoulder at Levi with his brows raised. Their eyes met and Levi saw that Erwin’s were dull, almost grey like his own in this light, but unfortunately, at this point, there was just nothing he could do about that anymore. “I miss you. Don’t you miss me too?”

Levi wasn’t sure if his question would even be answered, and because Erwin didn’t respond right away, each second that ticked by made it seem more and more unlikely that he would. However, to his surprise, Erwin did nod after a moment - albeit while turning his head to stare at the ground again - causing Levi to step forward before he could even help himself. 

He grabbed Erwin’s forearm lightly, holding it there instead of sliding his fingers down to grip his hand or even wrapping his arms around him like he wanted to, and then continued. “If you don’t want to be my boyfriend anymore, fine. But... _ shit _ , Erwin, this is stupid. Can’t we go back to how it used to be? When we were just friends?”

His question was born out of both realization and acceptance, of the fact that no matter how much it broke his heart to admit it, he wasn’t going to get Erwin back as his boyfriend. He still loved him and wanted that more than anything, but the only thing worse than not having Erwin in his life like that would be to not have Erwin there at all. He’d been beside him for as long as Levi could remember - since they’d been 4 years old, for fuck’s sake - and without him, no matter what kind of relationship they had, Levi knew he would never be able to fill the void that he’d leave behind. 

Luckily, despite his fears, Erwin seemed to feel the same way. Or at least, he confirmed it after staring at where Levi was holding his arm for a few seconds, his eyes going wider than they had this entire time, before he untensed from where he’d gone still to glance at Levi.

“Yes.” He said quietly, nodding. “I’d like to still be friends, if we can.”

_ If we can.  _ That was the question, as after everything they’d shared - intimacy and love, beds and rings and then heartbreak - even Levi wasn't naive enough any longer to think that it would be easy. He had been before, terribly so, and that was perhaps why he'd gotten hurt so badly, but by the time he came across Erwin again at Mike and Nanaba’s wedding, years after they'd seen each other last and since he'd discovered that they could not, in fact, maintain a friendship, Levi didn't think he had a naive bone in his body left. 

He'd tried, he really had. He'd sent Erwin emails after he'd moved, hesitant in both the wording and tone because all of a sudden there were boundaries between them that he hadn’t had to deal with in years, and although Erwin responded, in the end, it had just hurt too much. Levi couldn't stand to hear about the new friends Erwin was making and how much he loved it there, because it made him feel inadequate and jealous, lonely and dejected and like he'd been discarded for something else. He was aware that line of thinking made him an asshole, but even though he did want Erwin to be happy, he still felt like shit when he thought about how _he_ alone hadn't been able to make him feel that way. It made him question everything about their entire relationship before long, and while Erwin was seemingly doing great at his new school, Levi grew more and more bitter and distant each time they talked. 

It was almost inevitable that they gradually lost touch, because with Levi stuck with his feelings and pining and Erwin seemingly oblivious or uncaring, it was like they were in middle school all over again. Unfortunately, though, rather than end with them together like it had back then, this time it just ended with them not speaking for nearly two and a half years, and with Levi more alone and empty on the inside than he would have ever thought possible. 

At that point, even though it had been the last thing he’d wanted, they really  _ weren’t  _ friends, and although he’d never stopped missing Erwin, he’d just learned to cope. He’d accepted it, come to terms with much of their break-up too and managed to get on with his life somehow - or at least, he thought he had anyway, until he’d arrived at this fucking wedding and seen Erwin from the parking lot. 

Glimpsing him, even for just a split second, had brought back seemingly everything Levi had managed to repress over the past few years, causing him to feel sorrow and heartache for everything he had lost all over again. He felt loneliness, and yearning, too, for the kind of intimacy - both physical and otherwise - that they’d had before in their romantic relationship, the overwhelming memories of what it had been like to be cared about by Erwin rushing over him in a wave that he couldn’t control. That brought him to the one thing that he hated to admit the most, the one thing that he knew was a fact, and that he couldn’t seem to let go of no matter how hard he tried: Levi still loved him.

It was something that he managed to live with, dulled by months and months of not speaking to Erwin or seeing him. However, now that he was in his presence he felt it so strongly that he couldn’t deny it, and it was probably that which caused him to experience an instinctive hint of jealousy when he saw Marie laugh at something Erwin had said and place a friendly hand on his shoulder.

It didn’t mean anything because she’d gotten married to Nile right out of high school, but even if it did, Levi thought bitterly, there was nothing he could do about it. Erwin wasn’t his to feel covetous over; he didn’t own him. That was one of the things he’d realized after his heartache had disappeared enough for him to reflect on their break-up objectively, eventually understanding why it had happened and that they’d both played a part in it in their own ways. Unfortunately, though, realizing his mistakes like that wouldn’t magically mend the things they’d lost, and it didn’t mean that things between them weren’t going to be awkward and strained if they happened to speak either. 

Levi knew it would be, and that was why he’d secretly hoped Erwin wouldn’t be at the wedding. He didn’t want to face him; he was nervous and he didn’t know what would happen if he did, and because of that, after he’d taken a moment to collect himself outside his car, he shut the door and stalked down the hill of the parking lot, attempting to sneak into the venue quietly behind Erwin without being seen.  

Of course, he wasn’t so lucky. 

“Levi?” He heard, Erwin’s deep, familiar voice ringing out behind him just as he’d reached out to open the door.

It made him freeze in place so quickly that he actually cursed himself in his head, the expletives only increasing when he realized his stupid, traitorous heart had skipped a beat too. Biting his lip, he hesitated for a second, bracing himself because he knew that he had no choice but to talk to Erwin now that he’d called him like that. He couldn’t ignore him - it would be rude, and worse, it would make a scene and things would be even more awkward than they were already - and so he sighed internally, gritting his teeth and hardening his expression before he finally turned around to face him. 

“Erwin.” He said in greeting, as Nile and Marie muttered their goodbyes and immediately beat a hasty exit inside the venue.

For what was probably the only time in his entire life, Levi wished he could join them. He dreaded the awkwardness of this conversation and worried that he would make a fool of himself, and most of all, he feared that it would cause his damned feelings to go into overdrive, and that he would then experience all of the misery and suffering that he’d felt right after Erwin had left all over again because of how much he still cared for him. He didn’t want that; it was too painful, and although he’d been fine before this day, now that he was standing in front of Erwin for the first time since that afternoon on his front porch, Levi was struggling more and more by the second to keep his feelings reigned in.

“You weren’t going to say hello?” Erwin said after Marie and Nile had disappeared and they were alone, a small smile on his face that suggested he was teasing. 

It made Levi scowl, though, shifting his gaze so that he was staring at the wall, partly because meeting Erwin’s stare made him feel like he was going to say something stupid, and partly because he looked even better up close. It seemed that even remembering how tall he’d been couldn’t have prepared Levi for standing this close to his bulk, which, he thought, had gotten bigger. He’d filled out, Levi noticed, quite a bit from the thinner body he’d inhabited when he’d been at the end of his teenaged years. In fact, he looked far older than 24, Levi thought, with his broad shoulders, chiseled jaw, and defined cheekbones. All of the baby fat that had remained on his face when he’d left was gone, and Levi realized that somewhere along the line, Erwin had become a man and he’d missed it.

“Like you were going to say goodbye before you left?” He mumbled in response, ignoring his musings, crossing his arms and forcing himself to side-eye Erwin just in time to see him huff in false amusement and look away. 

His lips were still curved up into a smile, he saw, but unless Levi was imagining things, it appeared to be far more rueful than anything else.

“I suppose I deserve that.” He said, turning his gaze back on Levi. He looked him over a bit, and although Levi agreed with his sentiment, he stiffened. “I was wondering how you've been, though. You look well.”

“Why wouldn't I?” Levi said, doing his best to brush off Erwin's first comment, because although part of him felt lighter at the fact that Erwin had apparently been thinking about him, another part of him just as quickly reminded him that it didn't,  _ couldn’t  _ mean anything.

“No reason. I'm just glad, that's all.”

Levi rolled his eyes at what he considered to be bullshit, ignoring the tingling warmth on the tips of his ears too and praying to any god that might be out there that Erwin didn't notice, but otherwise didn't respond. Again, he was unsure of what to say, and although he was aware he was being standoffish and rude as fuck, he couldn’t help it. He was uncomfortable and every second of this was trying his carefully constructed façade, but still, he didn’t want to hurt Erwin’s feelings. It was a weakness he wouldn’t ever get rid of, apparently, and that was why, after pausing for another moment and forcing himself to drop his scowl, he spoke again. 

“I got a car.” He said, shrugging like it was no big deal, even though he’d saved up for almost an entire year to be able to buy it. “And my license.”

Erwin looked surprised for a brief second like he hadn’t expected Levi to continue, blinking before he nodded and glanced into the parking lot, like he was trying to figure out what car out there might be his. “That’s good. Are you still working at the grocery store?”

“Yeah. But hopefully not for much longer. I’m graduating soon.”

“Congratulations.” Erwin said, smiling at him again.

“Yeah.” Levi continued, because although he wouldn’t have planned on saying all of this, he found that he was actually a little bit proud of it. It was because it was the only part of his life that he’d managed to get back on track after Erwin had left, and because it had been hard, too, for him to find a career path that he was both interested in and that actually fit him. It had caused him a lot of stress because after so long slaving away at Mr. Ackerman’s store he was tired of working there, but he was glad that there was an end in sight and actually looking forward to the future - or this part of it, at least. “I’m going to be a social worker.”

At that, Erwin smiled much wider, his lips curving up so genuinely that it made his eyes brighten. 

“Really? That’s great, Levi. That’s perfect.” He said, sounding pleased. 

It caused Levi to look up into his face, noticing how his gaze was just as blue as he’d remembered, and had their circumstances been different, he might have wondered if Erwin would have been proud of him too. However, he had no idea if that was the case now, but still, he couldn’t make himself look away, his throat going dry nervously when Erwin’s expression softened a few moments later and he swallowed. 

“Listen, Levi. I-” He started, only to be interrupted by a shrill shriek from across the parking lot. 

It was Hange, who had apparently just arrived with Petra and seen Erwin. They shouted his name another second later, and when Levi looked over he saw them rushing towards them both. Of course, they were excited to see Erwin because he was their friend too and had been away forever, but the abrupt disruption had nearly sent Levi into a panic. Suddenly he felt overwhelmed, and as Hange reached Erwin and practically jumped into his arms for a hug, he used the distraction to make a break for it. Without another word, he slipped inside the venue like he’d been trying to do before, making his way to the seating area as Hange’s loud chatter and Erwin's rumbling laugh faded into the background.

Quickly, he found a chair in the back corner and sat down, trying his best to get comfortable but unable to shake off all of his tension. He remained high-strung and alert while he waited for the wedding to begin, his eyes unwillingly glancing over every time the doors opened in case Erwin was the one walking in. He told himself it was because he needed to brace himself in case they had to have another conversation, but really, no matter how much he tried to convince himself that he shouldn't, it was actually because he just wanted to look at him again. 

He couldn't help it; Erwin was a sight for sore eyes no matter how much it hurt Levi to see him, and he might have been able to control his feelings somewhat if he hadn't caught Erwin glancing at him a few times too. He did it once when the ceremony started after he'd already climbed the stage and Nanaba had come in, meeting Levi's eyes instead of watching the bride like he was supposed to. As soon as their gazes locked he looked away so quickly that it might not have happened though, and despite the way it made his face hot with confusion, embarrassment, and a pang of heartache, Levi might have thought it an accident if he hadn't done it again while Mike and Nanaba were saying their vows.

It was during the part where they were exchanging rings, and while Levi had nearly gotten distracted remembering things he'd sworn he'd never think about again. He couldn't help but recall it though, his mind and Erwin's damned blonde head on the stage making him think about how half a decade ago, he'd been certain that it would have been the two of them standing up there happily in front of a priest instead of their friends. How many times had he pictured it when he’d been younger and they’d still been together? A million, he knew, because from the age of 16 he’d firmly believed that they were going to get married one day, and had dreamed of it before for far longer than that. He’d had no reason to think that it wouldn’t happen then, and although, of course, it hadn’t worked out and Levi had thought that loss was the last of his worries, his eyes were drawn up onto the stage anyway when Mike promised to have and to hold Nanaba forever almost against his own free will. 

He'd meant to just watch them, he'd told himself, but then he'd looked at Erwin instead, feeling a mournful, melancholy sadness that he saw reflected in Erwin's face. He realized it at about the same time that he realized Erwin was looking at him, and immediately, he scowled and glanced away, confused and aching and feeling very much, very distinctly alone.

It didn't help that he'd sat sandwiched between Hange and Petra and Erd and his fiancé - two couples that had cuddled and held hands lovingly during the ceremony. Petra had cried into Hange’s shoulder too and Erd had kissed his soon-to-be wife, but Levi had no one, and while he had been aware that nearly everyone he knew seemed to be pairing off or getting married - Nile and Marie even had a baby, for fuck’s sake - he hadn’t realized quite how ironic it was until then, that he was alone now when he’d always been the one in grade school who’d had someone. 

Not that he cared for appearance purposes, because that was the last thing that mattered to him. It was just hard with Erwin there, when every single thing about the wedding was making him relive what he had lost all over again, and when instead of allowing him to be happy for his friends, it just continued to worsen old feelings that he’d previously thought he'd been able to live with to the point that he could barely stand it. 

That certainly didn't make him feel  _ less _ shitty, because he was there for Mike and Nanaba, but instead of sharing their joy he was being pathetic, rifling in self-pity - at least in his mind - and stuck moping because of his ex-boyfriend. It was stupid and he was acting like a brat, and he had to  _ at least _ manage to greet the bride and groom once the reception started. That was what you were supposed to do, right?

He wasn't entirely sure but he did it anyway, after heading outside once the ceremony was over and making a beeline for the wine bar. He got himself a glass and congratulated Mike and Nanaba as genuinely as he could manage, and then went to find his assigned table for eating, all while managing to avoid running into Erwin again. Levi could feel his eyes on him though as he sat down, picking up on the warm, laser-like focus of them as if he almost had a sixth sense for it.

It seemed ludicrous, but no sooner had Levi straightened in his seat and looked up did he meet Erwin's gaze, catching him blinking and taking Levi in with his brows drawn down. This time, however, neither of them diverted their attention away like they had inside, and instead Erwin gave Levi a small, soft smile from across the reception area while Levi's heart pounded and he bit his lip. 

What the hell was going on? Why did Erwin keep looking at him like that? It dawned on Levi, of course, that he was doing the same thing, but he couldn't imagine that Erwin was watching him occasionally for the reasons he was. He probably just wanted to talk to him or something, which made sense when Levi remembered how he'd been interrupted before outside. Erwin had been about to say something else to him, but what could he possibly have on his mind? What was there left to say, even, after so long and when there was nothing more left between them?

At least, Levi assumed there wasn't any remaining feelings left on Erwin's side, because there was no question in his mind that Erwin had moved on. However, as much as Levi tried to tell himself that, ruthlessly, almost, because he was too afraid to believe anything else lest he get hurt again, he couldn't help but wonder if Erwin felt the same way he did.

Was it possible, he thought, that Erwin missed him as much as Levi did him? Did he think about him every day, even though he was half a world away and not even in his life anymore? Did he dream about him? Did he remember what it felt like to lie in his arms? Did he wonder where they might be then, or how their relationship might have grown had they not broken up? 

Even if he didn't, it was clear that  _ something _ was on his mind; Levi couldn't deny that when the next time he looked at Erwin - nearly thirty minutes later after Mike and Nanaba had cut the cake - he saw him gazing at him with the same expression on his face that Levi had caught him wearing for a split second when they'd last seen each other on Erwin's porch. It was surprisingly revealing, one of regret and a quiet sadness, and for the first time that night, Levi felt something other than muted sorrow.

It was just a small spark, but it was something that he thought he could almost call hope, because when he looked at Erwin - always after Mike and Nanaba did something sweet and traditionally wedding-like - and Erwin looked back at him with a tight lipped frown and soft, downcast eyes, all Levi saw there was a reflection of what he felt: loneliness, longing, and a deep, aching mournfulness for everything that they no longer had.

Still, though, he remembered what had happened the last time he'd felt even the tiniest bit of positivity. Erwin had turned him down and left him, and even if he  _ did  _ feel all of that, did it even matter when he wasn't finished with his schooling yet? Levi wasn't sure, and that was why he was wary to hope too much. He'd gotten his heart broken once and was loathe to go through that again, but in the end, he was almost helpless to give in to his feelings. He couldn't deny them, not after he’d spent so long loving Erwin before, and not when so much happiness had come out of their relationship while they'd had it, no matter how it had turned out in the end.

Needless to say, it was those thoughts, no matter how troubled they made Levi feel, that actually caused him to stay put when Mike and Nanaba began their first dance and he'd gotten up to leave. He thought he wanted to go because this was tiring, but a quick glance over to Erwin's table after he'd taken a single step had him freezing in place. It was because Erwin was slipping out of his seat quickly, walking around his table, and even though he wasn't looking at Levi he was sure that Erwin was headed in his direction. Biting his lip, he steeled himself, crossing his arms and turning his head away, but otherwise remaining still until he heard Erwin's footsteps behind him. 

“Wait, Levi.” He said quickly, a small note of urgency lacing his tone as if he’d just caught Levi before he disappeared for good.

Really, though, Levi hadn’t moved in half a minute, and all he did then in response to hearing Erwin’s voice was to look over his shoulder, turning a bit too and raising a single eyebrow as calmly as he could. Other than that his face was blank, and although he probably gave off an air of nonchalance, on the inside his mind was racing a mile a minute and his stomach was jolting nervously.

“What?” He uttered after taking a second to swallow thickly, the sound of his own voice barely filtering up toward his ears over the loud pounding of his heart. 

Anything they said was partly drowned out by the music that was playing too, some slow, instrumental and romantic melody that had just started as Mike and Nanaba continued to dance. As Levi and Erwin stood there, several other couples began to join them one by one, and although Levi couldn’t have even imagined that was what Erwin had come over to him for, after a moment of brief silence where he opened his mouth, closed it again, and appeared uncertain - he was nervous, Levi thought with a pang - he cleared his throat, straightening his back and extending his hand in Levi’s direction politely. 

“Will you dance with me, before you go?” He asked softly, his eyes brightening in response to the way Levi’s had widened in surprise. “Please?”

Immediately, Levi’s lips parted. His chest filled with warmth and his heart skipped a beat too, but still, he wasn’t sure how to answer. He  _ wanted  _ to say yes, to reach out, grab Erwin’s hand, and hold on tightly, but was it a good idea? Probably not, but Levi couldn’t deny the rush of longing that had ignited inside him when Erwin had asked him. Besides that, though, it seemed that after all of the loaded, lingering glances they’d been giving each other all night and their cut-short conversation from earlier, this was probably inevitable. Even if it wasn’t, Levi knew that if he left that night without talking to Erwin after all of that, he’d forever be wondering what might have come of it - for better  _ or  _ for worse. 

“Okay, Erwin.” He murmured with that in mind, biting his lip nervously one last time before looking up at Erwin’s hand to gently take it. “Fine.”

Erwin smiled at him reassuringly, Levi sensed, but he didn’t see it, as suddenly, he couldn’t seem to look him in the face. It was as if he was almost afraid to, like if he did he wouldn’t be able to control his thoughts and Erwin might see right through him, might know all of his revealing emotions and figure out that Levi was still in love with him. If he knew, what would he say? Would he reject Levi all over again? That was the last thing he wanted to experience, but he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to hide it - at least from Erwin - when just holding his hand like this filled him with so much warmth he thought he might burst. 

He kept his eyes on that rather than Erwin’s back as he led him out onto the dance floor, swallowing and turning his head to stare somewhere out into the crowd aimlessly when they reached a clear spot and Erwin lifted their arms. From that point things seemed to happen in a whirlwind, because before Levi could even steel himself Erwin had slipped his fingers in between his to grip them tightly, taking him by the waist with his other big hand too and pulling him so close that it made Levi’s cheeks burn hot. 

He cursed because he knew he had gone red - even after all this time Erwin still had that effect on him, apparently - but still somehow managed to find it within himself to place the flat of his palm against Erwin’s shoulder. He grabbed his jacket gingerly at first but then dug his fingers in once Erwin started moving, somehow managing to fall into step seamlessly with him despite how flustered he’d become once he started leading them both into a dance. 

It was slow, of course, and in time with the warm, classical music that the band was playing for the crowd nearby. The reception was being held outside, and the sound of the tune seemed to waft through the open air, settling amongst the couples on the dance floor clearly and creating quite the soft, sweet atmosphere. In fact, Levi might even call it romantic if that description didn’t make his heart pound in his chest, because by then night had fallen too and they were standing under a canopy of dimly lit string lights and what they could see of the stars. The air was cool and Levi could smell flowers, and Erwin’s palm was warm against his own and felt exactly like he’d remembered it. 

They’d been quiet so far, in the minute since they’d started dancing, standing in front of each other in what was actually a comfortable silence. Levi was surprised and a bit relieved, but of course it couldn’t last, because the longer they went without talking the heavier everything unspoken became between them.

“This is nice.” Erwin finally said though, his voice quiet enough for only Levi to hear. 

It caused him to look up before he could help it from where he’d been staring at Erwin’s chest, finally meeting his eyes to see Erwin gesture at some decorations before he gazed down at him with a small smile. It was as reassuring as the one he’d given him earlier had been, but it did nothing to quell the surging emotions that Levi was stuck with. It didn’t help when Erwin turned them on the dance floor and Levi was unintentionally brought closer, so close, in fact, that a whiff of Erwin’s rich cologne reached his nose and caused his mouth to go dry. This time, unlike when they’d been teenagers, he was sure it was Erwin’s own rather than his father’s, but still, underneath that he smelled shampoo, the same, rich and soapy scent that Levi had always caught from Erwin for almost his entire life. 

It caused a swell of yearning to go through him almost immediately, the feel of it so strong that it made his breath hitch, forcing him to take a moment before he was able to finally give Erwin’s comment a proper response.

“Yeah.” He said a bit hoarsely, cursing internally at how strained his voice sounded. “I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Most of it’s cheesy as fuck.”

“I suppose to  _ some  _ people, it might be.” 

Levi watched Erwin look around the space with a bit of interest, before his eyes found their way back to his. His heart fluttered when Erwin’s smile grew a bit wider and his eyes sparkled with amusement, because, of course, he was referring to Levi, teasing him because they both knew that he had never been one for grand romantic gestures. It wasn’t that he didn’t like them necessarily, they just embarrassed him, and it wasn’t any different now, as he was quite sure his face would have taken on a permanent red hue from the moment they stepped onto the dance floor no matter what their circumstances were. However, Levi wasn’t going to let Erwin get away with talking shit to him like that either, and so with a scoff, he rolled his eyes, shaking his head a bit too before he side-eyed Erwin again and spoke.

“Yeah, but I can see why you would like it.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

“Because you’ve been a cheesy 45 year old man your entire life.”

At that, Erwin smiled a bit wider and chuckled, looking away briefly, and Levi couldn’t help the way his gaze softened as he watched him. 

“Guilty.” He said, before he shifted his grip on Levi’s waist and they fell into silence again. 

It was more awkward than the first, but only because Levi was also marveling at how easily they’d just fallen into old, familiar conversation and banter, and even if it  _ was  _ nice, it also made his heart ache. It made him miss Erwin that much more, caused him to long for the days when they’d been together and had that, as simple as a thing as it was. Suddenly, as they continued to sway along on the dance floor, Levi wasn’t sure he could take it anymore, and decided that he needed to know why Erwin had asked him out there immediately.

“Why are you doing this?” He said, tightening his grip on Erwin’s hand almost unconsciously. It caused Erwin to look back at him, to meet his gaze again and widen his eyes briefly when he glimpsed the now steely look on Levi’s face. “I know you didn’t ask me to dance just to talk about the shitty decorations.”

“I-” Erwin started, opening his mouth only to stop a second after he spoke. He was hesitating again, just briefly, and before Levi could even fathom what he might be nervous about, Erwin let out a noisy sigh, as if he’d resigned himself to finally admitting what he was going to say next. “I always wanted to.”

“To dance?”

“Yes. With you. We never got to, you know.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Levi responded, flicking his eyes down to where he held onto Erwin’s shoulder and then back up again, recalling that it was true. Their first kiss had happened  _ after  _ a dance, and although there had been others at their school, they hadn’t attended them for fear of how their peers might have reacted to their relationship. “We were too gay for prom.”

At that, Erwin actually laughed, so hard and so loudly that it caused his eyes to close for a brief moment, the sound of it and his visual amusement at just a stupid, off-hand comment from Levi even causing his own lips to curve up in just the slightest, despite everything. 

“Yes, although it seems we’re still generating quite a bit of attention even now.” Erwin murmured, his tone laced with amusement as he looked around.

His eyes scanned the crowd, eventually landing on one spot in particular, and Levi followed his gaze to where Hange was seated with Petra. They weren’t watching them at that moment, but they also had the distinct look of two people who had just been caught doing that exact thing, the both of them staring off in opposite directions and looking less than subtle as they struggled to find something else to focus on. Even though he wasn’t surprised - his friends knew what had happened between him and Erwin, of course, and would be curious - Levi frowned, grumbling under his breath and maneuvering Erwin without even thinking about it so that his back was to them and Levi could be shielded by his bulk. 

“Nosy four eyes.” He said, his annoyed expression melting a bit when he glanced up again, getting a glimpse of the soft, almost sad smile that Erwin’s formerly amused one had turned into.

It made his eyes widen and his heart flutter, and he looked away again as if it might shield himself from Erwin's sharp, wandering gaze.

_ Fuck.  _ He thought, biting his lip. This had been a mistake; Erwin still hadn’t really answered his question - he didn’t believe that dancing was the entire reason, not at all - and Levi wasn’t sure how much more of this he would be able to handle. Perhaps he should just go after all, he thought, because if their conversation turned out badly for whatever reason, he knew he would end up regretting that he hadn’t left anyway once he felt like shit again.

“Levi.” Erwin started though, before he could even begin to try. “I want you to know that I regret how things turned out between us. I'm sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

“It wasn't your fault.”

Levi was silent for a moment, his eyes downcast. The song they were slow dancing to was winding down, but the band didn't skip a beat in starting another one. They remained on the dance floor, swaying together almost automatically, and Levi tightened his fingers in Erwin's - this time, leaving them that way instead of balking.

“We both fucked up.” He said after a moment, because in the end, it was true. 

They'd both made mistakes, and they'd both been equally to blame. Sure, Erwin had kept the fact that he might be moving away from him, but Levi had never been terribly receptive to news of that nature anyway. The way he'd reacted had been proof enough of that, and it was no wonder Erwin had been unsure of how to tell him when it had resulted in an argument. 

He just hadn't wanted to lose Erwin; he'd been afraid of it, and had  _ always _ struggled with the thought - even when they'd been kids and Erwin had idealistically told Levi he wanted to go off to war. In the end, though, no matter how much he wanted to believe that it had been the case, Erwin wasn't his. He didn't own him and he had no right to hold him back from the things he wanted, and although in the end he wouldn't have, he'd made Erwin feel guilty about moving overseas which had almost been just as bad.

That was why he'd broken up with him, Levi thought, because he’d felt bad about leaving him and didn't think he'd be happy with him gone. That was probably true somewhat, but Erwin was too hard on himself. It wasn't his fault that Levi was too dependent on him, and it didn't make him a bad person for wanting other things in addition to their relationship. However, looking back on it, Levi could see how he'd unintentionally fed into that line of thought with his behavior, and even though he hadn't understood why they hadn’t been able to try and make things work at the time, he was pretty sure now that it would have ended up with their relationship fracturing like it had done anyway.

Erwin would have left and just grown more guilty, and Levi would have been too lonely. They wouldn't be able to sustain what they'd had before like that, because in the end, they'd just wanted different things. It sounded clich é but it was true, and it couldn't be helped. Levi had accepted that much, but deep down, what he  _ didn't  _ want to accept was Erwin’s continued absence and lack of communication in his life. 

“Well, either way, I hurt you, and I never wanted that to happen. I regret that more than anything.” Erwin said after a moment, his fingers firm in their grip on Levi's waist.

It made Levi bite his lip, but then he shook his head, because Erwin's response was just typical of the guilt he was prone to harboring, and to him, no matter what his own feelings were, it was unacceptable.

“No.” He said, fisting his hand in Erwin's jacket. The motion was deliberate, and although Levi already had his attention, it just made Erwin focus on him that much more, his eyes wide and searching Levi’s expression as if he was trying to figure out what he meant before he even said it. “Fuck that. If you’re happy now, that’s all that matters.”

Surprisingly, Erwin chuckled at that, a rueful smile appearing on his face much like the one he’d given Levi when he’d first seen him that evening. He tugged Levi a fraction closer - a gesture that might have been automatic more than anything - and Levi sucked in a breath, wishing, thinking about how easy it would be to just lean forward and gently rest his head on Erwin’s chest.  “I don’t know if I could say that.”

“What? Why? I thought you were doing what you wanted?”

“It’s not university. I do like it there, and I enjoy the program.” 

“Then what’s the problem?” 

Levi’s tone had gone a bit high and desperate when he’d asked, as at some point during this part of their conversation, he’d realized his heart had started racing. It was because Erwin had a familiar look on his face, a soft look, the same look of longing that Levi had caught him wearing earlier. He recognized it for what it was, and when coupled with Erwin's words, the fact that he wasn’t trying to hide such a loaded expression while he stared at him made Levi wonder what he was going to say next. 

For some reason, he got the sense that it would be serious, and although he knew what he  _ wanted  _ Erwin to say, surely he wasn’t implying that he was unhappy because they weren’t together, was he?

Levi felt that would be too good to be true, and he didn’t want to believe anything like that lest he get disappointed. However, in the end, he couldn’t help but hold that tiny bit of hope for it, the same spark of it lighting inside his belly like it had before. It made his stomach flip and his blood roar in his ears, and all he could do was stand there, waiting on bated breath for what Erwin was going to say next. At some point they’d stopped dancing, and were instead just standing there now, staring at each other, but Levi was so focused on Erwin’s face that he barely noticed, and certainly didn’t even think about the fact that people might be watching in the crowd.

A few seconds passed as Erwin’s eyes flickered over Levi’s face, and although it wasn’t that long, the moment seemed to pass by in slow motion. Finally, though, just when he began to think Erwin wasn’t going to answer him, he swallowed thickly, sliding his hand up Levi’s back and locking gazes with him intently before he spoke.

“I miss you, Levi.” He said, his voice soft and quiet and more revealing than Levi had heard in ages. “I know I don’t deserve to think of you like that after what happened, but I can't help myself. I-”

Before he could continue, they were suddenly interrupted by someone on a mic, who stopped the music and loudly informed the wedding guests that the groomsmen were needed inside for pictures. That meant Erwin, and more than make Levi realize that he had to part from their conversation, it made him remember where he was: on a dance floor in the middle of a crowd, standing still in Erwin's arms, staring at him with wide eyes and lips parted in shock because of what he’d just said. 

Immediately, his face went red because he felt eyes on them, and he cursed under his breath for letting himself get distracted like that. He looked away from Erwin and then down at the ground, tearing his hand out of his grip and practically bolting toward his table before Erwin could even say anything else. Luckily, he was alone there so he wouldn't have to deal with any awkward questions, and it was only after he’d sat down and looked back up to the dance floor to see that Erwin had already gone inside that he was he able to think about what he’d fucking said. 

_I miss you, Levi._ _I can't help myself._ Over and over again Levi repeated the words to himself, his heart practically doing double time in his chest, skipping a beat every so often when the tone Erwin had spoken in sounded out in his head. He couldn’t believe he’d said that even though he’d hoped beyond anything that Erwin felt that way, but what did it mean? 

Was it a sign that he wanted to try to amend things, to try and fix their friendship or even more than that? He’d told Levi he regretted what he’d done, but up until that point Levi had just thought it to be because he felt guilty about breaking his heart. It probably was that, partly, but could it mean that it was because he wished he hadn't ended things too?

Levi wasn’t sure, and even if they had been in the middle of a fucking crowd, he actually hated that they'd been interrupted because Erwin had been about to say something else. What was it? He couldn’t help but wonder, his mind supplying him with dozens of possibilities as he sat there. Most of them he figured were too good to be true despite what he’d heard, but still, he missed Erwin terribly too, and if there was even a fraction of a chance that they could fix things, even after all this time, then he didn’t want to waste it.

The only problem was he had to talk to Erwin again, but Erwin was stuck inside taking pictures. Levi hoped that he hadn’t assumed he was rejecting him by how he’d run off, but he’d just been temporarily overwhelmed by everything and thought Erwin would be heading inside anyway. Hopefully he would come out and they could talk again, but until then, all Levi could do was wait. 

He did, for nearly thirty minutes, sitting in his chair, chewing on his lip, and routinely glancing toward the entrance to the building that Erwin had disappeared into as subtly as he could. Eventually he came out, but he didn’t approach Levi again. In fact, he didn’t even so much as look in his direction, and instead sat back down to talk to Nile and Marie at their table. 

For another half hour he waited, but still Erwin didn’t come find him, and Levi began to feel like he’d fucked up somehow, or wonder if Erwin regretted what he’d told him. That would be just his luck and unsurprising at this point, and Levi had probably been stupid to get all worked up and hopeful about something like that anyway. His thoughts made him restless and disappointed, a dark mood washing over him that was reminiscent of what he'd felt when he'd first arrived there. 

It was at about the time that someone announced Nanaba was going to throw her bouquet that Levi decided he should probably just go, because all he’d done that night for the most part was act pitiful and probably bring the atmosphere of the wedding down, and that wasn’t something he’d wanted to do to his friends. He hoped they at least hadn’t noticed, but he wasn’t sure that he could manage to say goodbye, as at that point all he wanted to do was escape and to go home. 

Using the crowd gathering around Nanaba as a distraction, he slipped out of his seat, making his way through the maze of dining tables as quickly as he could towards the parking lot. He shoved his hands into his pockets and approached his car after climbing the hill, adopting a glare that he focused on the ground in front of him. Just when he was about to shove his key into the driver’s side door of his car to unlock it though, he heard footsteps behind him, the sound of them still familiar even after a four year absence.

Stopping immediately, he turned around, his eyes going wide and his stomach flipping in his belly, a hopeful, warm surge going through him before he even caught sight of Erwin practically racing up the hill behind him.

“Erwin.” He said when he did though, watching as he approached and wondering, after everything, what the hell was going to happen now.

“Levi, wait.” Erwin said from yards away as if Levi hadn’t already stopped, his voice a little breathless from how he was hurrying to catch up to him. He closed the remaining distance between them finally and stopped though, standing about a foot away and looking down at him with a wide eyed, intently focused gaze of his own. “I’m sorry, Levi, if I made you uncomfortable earlier. I didn’t mean-”

“I miss you too.” Levi said then, interrupting him because he’d heard enough. Erwin  _ had  _ thought he’d overstepped by what he’d said, but in reality he’d hadn’t even come close. The realization made a small hint of hope return to his chest again, but he also felt a bit aggravated, the ridiculousness and frustration at all of their stepping around this all night finally getting to him. “I miss you, Erwin. Do you really think I don't? I miss you all the time, you bastard. I miss you so much that it hurts! I’ve missed you every day since you left, and-”

This time, it was Levi’s turn to be interrupted, not by words as he’d done, though, but by Erwin’s mouth. Before he could finish whatever his babbling was going to cause him to say next, Erwin had stepped forward, closing the distance between them in an instant so that he plant his lips over Levi's in a hard kiss. It was so sudden and surprising that Levi dropped his keys, and in his shock, he let out a small sound too, his mouth opening as he almost instinctively grabbed at Erwin’s broad shoulders in front of him to steady himself.

Still, despite his parted lips, he didn’t feel Erwin’s tongue until a few seconds later, after his moment of stunned stillness had passed and his mind caught up to what was happening. When he did so, every bit of annoyance left him immediately, and he closed his eyes and melted into him, throwing his arms around Erwin’s neck to pull him closer eagerly. After that, Erwin moved his lips over Levi's with a desperate, emotional hunger, grabbing at him, wrapping one arm around him and squeezing him so tightly that Levi could barely breathe. With his other hand he pushed Levi backwards toward his car, catching himself with it as he bent nearly in two so that he could kiss him that much deeper. 

It made Levi gasp in surprise again - his thoughts were nothing short of a whirlwind, and he already felt breathless - sliding his fingers through Erwin's hair and reveling in how it felt, how warm Erwin's mouth was too, how amazing it was to be kissed by him like this again and to be pressed up against his bulk and the car. In fact, the emotion thrumming inside him was so overwhelming that his eyes actually watered from the intensity of it, but he barely noticed, not when they were closed anyway, and not when all he could think about was how he didn’t want this to end.

He didn’t want to stop, and neither of them seemed to be able to control where their hands were wandering despite the fact that they were in a parking lot standing under a line of street lights. The sounds of the reception were filtering up from down the hill too, and as they kissed, Levi was suddenly struck with d éjà vu, the memory of the first time they'd done this together outside of Marie’s house crossing his mind briefly. 

After a second, it wasn't hard to see why: they were outside like they'd been then after they'd fled a party, their embrace similar in how desperate and needy it was, in how full of pent up longing and years of repressed feelings their movements were too. It was different, though, because they were older - much older, in fact - and at the thought, Levi couldn’t help but crack his eyes open to take in the lines of Erwin’s face. When he did so he found that Erwin was looking at him too, and in that instant when their gazes met, Levi was sure that Erwin still loved him, completely and irrevocably  _ convinced  _ that he’d never gotten over him either and felt the same emptiness in his heart that Levi did because of his absence. 

The way he had kissed him, moved his lips over his own and held him tightly that entire time said enough, but rather than cause Erwin to have a rush of certainty over such things like Levi had, it apparently made him realize something else. 

Just as Levi went to close his eyes again and grab at Erwin’s neck, he saw Erwin’s lids suddenly fly wide open, his lips halting in his movements as he froze for a second too. Then he shot back almost like he’d been struck by lightning, his mouth hanging open and his breath coming short from all their kissing as he pulled back to arm's length.

“Wait. I-” He said, staring down at Levi, who was making a confused face at why he’d jerked back so abruptly like he’d done something wrong. “Ah, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Levi.”

“What?” Levi breathed, half-dazed from not only their eager, enthusiastic embrace, but from how quickly they’d stopped too.

Erwin had practically shoved him up against his car moments ago, but now Levi’s head was reeling from what he’d just said. Licking his lips, he shook his head, willing his mind to try and begin to make sense of it. What did he mean? Why shouldn’t he have kissed him? It certainly couldn’t be that he hadn’t wanted to, because Levi was sure that he’d enjoyed it, as his reddened mouth, flushed cheeks, and bright excited eyes told one story even if the words he’d just spoken told another.

“What do you mean?” He continuing, asking again when Erwin didn’t immediately respond. Instead of doing it then too he looked away, a guilty expression appearing on his face, and suddenly, Levi’s stomach dropped down to his knees. “Erwin, what the fuck are you talking about? 

“I have to leave tomorrow. I’m going back overseas.” He finally murmured at that, looking back at Levi with a deep frown and rueful eyes. 

Instead of helping Levi understand, though, it just made things worse, because he’d assumed that this entire time anyway. He’d had no reason to believe that Erwin wasn’t done with his schooling considering that it hadn’t been six years yet, but why did that matter? They’d just reconnected; they’d kissed, and it was clear that they both still had feelings for each other even if neither one had expressly said so.

“So what?” He asked, his voice nearly cracking.

A gut-wrenching feeling flooded him too, because as he stared up into Erwin’s face, he remembered everything that had happened when they’d broken up before. It was almost just like that, except, well, two years wasn’t so bad, right? If they’d realized they still cared about each other and that ending things had been a mistake, then why did it matter? If Erwin was coming back when he graduated, then Levi didn’t see any reason why they had throw everything away again.

Unless, of course, he had decided that he was going to stay there. That couldn’t be the case though, right? Erwin  _ was  _ going to come back...wasn’t he?

“Erwin.” Levi said at that thought, suddenly feeling sick. “When are you coming back?”

At his question, Erwin swallowed. His face fell, and although Levi continued to search his expression, hoping that he was reading it wrong, he already knew what Erwin was going to say before he even answered. 

“I don’t know if I’m coming back.” He said, making no move to grab at Levi when he let his hands slip off of where they’d still been resting on Erwin’s shoulders.

He stepped back too, his eyes going wide and his mouth practically gaping open in shock from how hard the words had hit him, and even though Erwin’s voice had been watery and he sounded more unsure than Levi had perhaps ever heard him, he knew that he was finished with this conversation. He wasn’t going to go through this again, as there was no point, and that was what he’d told himself when he’d arrived at this fucking wedding anyway. 

Somehow, with that in mind, Levi managed to brace himself, swallowing down the renewed hurt he was feeling and fixing Erwin with a blank look. He let his eyes glance over him quickly, taking him in from head to toe as if that was the last time he was ever going to see him, and then bent to pick up his keys. 

“Goodbye, Erwin.” He said, keeping his eyes on the ground as he turned, unlocking his car door before he climbed inside and shut it.

He didn't look at him again, and he didn't even think to ask why Erwin wasn't sure of whether he was coming back or not because there was no point; in his mind, there was nothing they could do to fix this if Erwin remained overseas. It didn’t matter whether they still loved each other or how much longing and loneliness they felt, if they stayed stuck in these two different places it wouldn’t work. Erwin would still harbor guilt - the fact that he hadn’t tried to stop Levi from leaving again told him as much - and Levi would miss him too much and end up feeling dejected and lonely. 

They couldn't mend their relationship and go back to how they were if they couldn't get on the same page, and besides, Levi had a career lined up for him at home now anyway. The gulf between them almost seemed even wider because of that, and although Levi could practically feel Erwin's apology radiating out of him as he started his car, he suddenly felt too angry, and didn't give him a chance to say it before he put his engine in gear and drove away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this is the last chapter with hella angst, hopefully, maybe, i'm sorry


	7. Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Levi.” Erwin said when he reached him, dodging a woman who'd been moving to give someone a hug and stopping a few feet in front of him. “You came.”
> 
> “Yeah.” Levi answered automatically, gazing up at him with wide eyes. “I came."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! sorry for the longer wait between this chapter and the last, i went on vacation and didn't get as much done as i'd hoped. i decided to split up this last chapter (well, the last other than the epilogue) into two parts too because it's looking like its going to be really long, and i figured i'd go ahead and get the first half out here. i'll have the 2nd half up asap :) also, i hope everyone is less angry at erwin after this because i feel really bad for him....

_ Dear Levi, _

_ Hello. I hope you’re doing well. Hange and Mike tell me that you are, and that you’ve gotten a job working in Child Welfare. I meant what I said the last time we saw each other, that Social Work sounded perfect for you, and I think Child Welfare is even better. I hope you enjoy doing it. I hope it’s fulfilling for you. Most of all, though, I hope you’re happy. _

_ If you are and hearing from me makes you less so, I hope you won’t hesitate to throw away this letter either. I know that after everything I’ve done it’s possible that you will, and that you don’t want to speak to me. It’s understandable, but even now I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t seem to get over you even after all these years, and although I’m not asking for anything, I still regret everything that happened between us. I know there’s a chance you don’t want to listen, but I want to be honest and if you do, I think that more than anything you deserve a full explanation.  _

_ First, though, I want to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I know I’ve told you that before, but now I realize that I was wrong to end things between us, not just because I’ve missed you nearly every single day, hour, and minute since then, but because I shouldn’t have assumed what might make you happy. I told you I felt guilty for leaving, and that was true. I still feel that way. It was because I knew it would make you upset, and I thought you would be better off without me if I couldn’t be there for you. I thought maybe you could find someone else, someone who could take care of you and hold you, and be around when you needed it. I knew it would hurt you at first but I was convinced you didn’t need me, Levi, even though it tore me apart to think about someone else taking my place in your life. I thought I was being unselfish in letting you go like that, and I thought I was protecting you. However, in assuming what you wanted I was actually acting the opposite. Again, I’m sorry. It was a mistake, and even if it wouldn’t have worked out in the end, I think I would give almost anything to go back and try, like you’d said.  _

_ In my wildest dreams, if things were different, I'd even ask you to join me here now. I've been offered a job after school teaching at the university so it would be feasible, and in fact, I'd wanted to ask you the last time we met before you told me about how well you'd been doing. You said you had a career lined up and that you were happy though, and after everything that happened before, I couldn’t ask you to give any of that up for me.  _

_ I’m sorry I didn’t explain, though, or if you ever thought I didn’t want you. I’m sorry, too, for what happened later. I shouldn’t have kissed you. I lost control of myself and acted selfishly again, and there’s no excuse. I just thought that after I left and we stopped speaking, you’d grown to hate me. Unfortunately, in reacting like that after finding out you didn’t, I probably ensured that you ended up feeling like that anyway because I hurt you all over again. _

_ It was another mistake and another thing I regret, but it was nice to hold you. I shouldn’t think about it, but I do. I can't forget it, and I can't forget how you felt in my arms, either, or how warm your lips were and the way you tasted. Even the smell of your skin still crosses my mind from time to time, because although it’s just from soap and tea leaves, it reminds me of home. I still love you, Levi, I never stopped, and no matter what happens I don’t think that I ever will.  _

_ I've enclosed an invitation to my graduation next month. I certainly understand if you don't come, but if you can manage to forgive me for everything I've done, it would be nice to see you again. If not, though, I hope that life continues to treat you well. I hope you’re successful and that you find someone who makes you happy. Goodbye, Levi, and thank you for everything that you gave me when we were together. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Erwin. _

Levi took in a deep rush of air after finishing Erwin’s letter, as apparently at some point after he’d opened it, he’d stopped breathing. He stared at it for another second, his eyes scanning over the words again before he turned the graduation invitation over in his hand. Then, after biting his lip, he schooled his features impassively, walked into his kitchen, and threw all of it into the garbage. 

An hour and a half later he was digging it out again, after spending all that time trying and failing to convince himself not to. It wasn’t because Erwin’s words about loving him forever had made his heart skip a beat - they had - or because what he’d said about holding him in his arms had made him blush -  _ it _ had - but because as much as he wanted to deny it, he knew that seeing Erwin again, no matter in what regard,  _ would _ be really nice like he'd said. 

It was because somehow, after 6 years of being separated and everything else, Levi still loved Erwin too. He felt the same way Erwin apparently did, in fact, that a part of him would probably love Erwin for the rest of his life. He couldn’t shake it, but except for the fact that it meant half his heart would always be empty inside, too, he had learned to live with it and no longer despised the feeling, necessarily. He didn’t despise Erwin either, because just like he knew he could never  _ not  _ care for him, he didn’t think he would ever be able to hate him no matter what. 

He never had, not even when he’d been at his angriest after the kiss they’d shared at Mike and Nanaba’s wedding. He’d forgiven him for it,  despite the fact that it caused him to experience renewed heartache all over again, because he knew they'd both been two years younger at the time and had let their emotions get the better of them, and Levi had let his guard down too much. He’d gotten his hopes up like he’d told himself not to and he’d paid the price, and although he didn’t hold it against Erwin, that didn’t mean he was going to go jump on a plane and fly over to see him at the drop of a hat, either. 

He would have to think about whether to attend Erwin’s graduation or not, long and hard and while weighing every single potential outcome he could think of. Right off the bat he knew what his mother would say, Kuchel, who had delivered the letter to him in the first place with a wary, curious look in her eye. Levi had moved out about a year ago into his own tiny apartment, and Erwin had sent the letter to his old home because he didn’t know his new address. Kuchel had known it was him because of the return label, and when she’d dropped it into his hands, Levi had sensed her staring at him intently and trying to read him while he looked it over. 

Of course, he didn’t open it while she was there. He wasn’t stupid, and didn’t want prying questions. More than that, though, he wanted to be alone when he read it because he had no fucking idea what it might say, and he didn’t want to be taken off guard if there were any surprises. As it turned out, though, there weren’t, not really. Most of what Erwin wrote he’d already known or suspected, like how his guilt had gotten the better of him and led him to believe that by breaking up with him, he’d been doing Levi some sort of favor.

It was ludicrous to him,  _ still _ , but it also didn’t surprise him. Erwin had always been too hard on himself, in school and with his grades and in his relationship with his father. It made sense that it would transfer to the two of them, and Levi was glad - and a little vindicated too, as he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t - that Erwin had realized it was all bullshit. However, it was a bit dismal as well, because Levi had never lost the instinct he’d developed as a child to protect Erwin. He felt sad for him and wished he could help, but he’d tried, hadn’t he?

He had; he’d gone to Erwin before he left and attempted to contact him before that, telling him more than once that he wanted to be with him no matter what. Erwin hadn’t listened because he was so down on himself that he’d still been convinced he was doing it all for Levi’s sake, and although he’d realized he was wrong now, it made Levi feel a bit downcast to think that unfortunately, it was all years too late. 

It was old news that just churned up painful - albeit dull - memories, but what Levi hadn’t expected was to hear how Erwin had apparently wanted to ask him to move overseas to be with him. The job offer would explain why he’d told Levi he wasn’t sure if he was coming back or not - something that he couldn’t help but wonder the reason for after he’d stopped being pissed off - and why he’d acted the way he had that night. He’d seemed unsure or hesitant at times, going from glancing at Levi longingly to struggling to say what he meant. Now Levi realized it was because he was conflicted about what he wanted to tell him, and it had all resulted in his emotions getting the better of him, as he’d said.

It was why he’d kissed him, as apparently hearing Levi say that he missed him after assuming he hated him  _ and  _ that he’d moved on with his life was too overwhelming. It said a lot that Erwin had let himself lose control like that, Levi thought, and as angry as he’d been afterward, he’d be lying if he said the memory of it didn’t linger with him too. In fact, he’d jerked off to it on more than one occasion, after he’d woken up frustrated and lonely after dreaming about it and imagining what might have happened had they not stopped.

As embarrassed as it made him, he couldn’t help it. He missed Erwin’s touch almost as much as he missed everything else about him, and the way his lips had felt against Levi’s own - not to mention how his hands gripped him and how he’d hovered over him, using his height and bulk to press Levi up against his car - was something that he could not easily forget. It didn’t help that he’d still never been with anyone else since then, even after trying and failing to date. It just wasn’t the same and Levi had come to the conclusion that nothing else would be, and so he didn’t want to, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t lonely sometimes or fucking horny. Erwin was the only one he'd ever slept with, the only reference point he had in regards to experiencing sex himself, and needless to say, there were nights when he lied in bed missing how good he'd made him feel physically just as much as he had emotionally. 

Thinking about the revelation that Erwin had almost asked him to move overseas for him at the wedding, Levi wondered if he had, would he have all that now? Would he have had Erwin back to keep him warm at night, and to wake up next to in the morning? Would he have had him to cuddle with when he felt down or to hold his hand when he needed reassurance? Levi didn't know, because he didn't know what his answer would have been had Erwin asked him. He was still hurting then, the pain of their breakup like a sharp dagger in his heart rather than the dull bruise it was now, and part of him thought that he might have just said yes right away and leapt at the chance.

However, there was another part of him that wasn't so sure. Erwin was right; he’d already had his career lined up then and had become wary, had worked hard to slowly put his life back together and build it up to what it had been then. He might not have wanted to throw that all away, as Erwin had said, on a whim, and he certainly had no desire to do that now. He liked his job and enjoyed working with kids, and had just gotten comfortable living in his new apartment. Not that it mattered, though, because Erwin hadn’t asked him to move in with him. He wasn't asking him back and he didn't expect that - he'd made that clear in his letter even as he told Levi he was still in love with him. 

That was one reason Levi wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea to attend his graduation. What if something happened? Would Erwin let his emotions run unchecked? Levi trusted him and didn’t think he would - not again, anyway - but what about himself? Could  _ he  _ handle it? He only wondered briefly before he felt sure that he could. He was older now and more in control of himself, and wouldn’t be as fueled with nearly desperate loneliness as he’d been the last time he’d seen Erwin. 

Sure, he missed him and still wished that things had turned out differently, but he’d accepted it by then in a way that he hadn’t before. He was content with his life - or, as much as he could be - and at 27, mature enough to realize that even though it was sad their relationship had turned out this way and unfair that Erwin was the one writing him love notes saying he regretted shit when Levi had done that at the very beginning, there wasn’t anything to be done about it. 

Because of that, he was determined to consider his decision very carefully. He told himself that he didn’t want to do anything that might mess up what he had now or where he was at emotionally, but he couldn’t help feel a muted longing to see Erwin again. He missed him and his friendship even now, and that was why, even though he  _ told  _ himself that he would think about it for a few days, he already knew in his heart what he was going to do.

Sure enough, a few weeks later he was packing his things and enduring an 11 hour plane ride, finding himself almost on the other side of the world a day before Erwin's graduation. He’d booked a hotel for three nights and was scheduled to fly out during the afternoon of the fourth day, and because he’d arrived a bit early, he used his extra time to tour the area in which Erwin had stayed for the past 6 years. He’d never been overseas before and there was a lot for him to take in, architecture and landmarks, restaurants and different types of food, so much shit that they didn’t have in their hometown that he found interesting enough to begin to wonder what it might actually be like to live there.

He couldn’t help but entertain the idea, couldn’t help but imagine himself going about his every moment and day-to-day life there rather than where he was currently living. The fact that Erwin had apparently been so close to asking him to join him there didn’t help his fantasy any, and by the end of the day, after he’d walked around a park, eaten at a delicious cafe, and had coffee on a veranda overlooking a beautiful garden and museum, he found himself wondering what would happen if he just...didn’t go home.

What if he stayed? What if he told Erwin he wanted to be with him again and didn’t go, and lived with him like he’d wanted before? Would Erwin have him?

Levi was confident he would based on what he’d said in his letter, and he couldn’t deny that it sounded nice. The thought of them resuming their life together in such a place was tempting, away from where they’d grown up and where all the frustrating bullshit had occurred in the past. It was almost like they’d be starting over, leaving everything behind them and beginning a new stage in their lives with new jobs and a new home, and although it was easy for Levi to picture himself walking down the quaint streets with Erwin at his side, in reality it was all a pipe dream.

It was impossible, and a lot harder than his damned imagination was making it out to be. He couldn’t just up and move halfway around the world on something that would basically be a gamble anyway, not when he already had a life back at home, a good job and an apartment that he’d made his own. He didn’t have any of that here, and what about his car? What about his mother, for that matter? He couldn’t just leave all of that behind overnight, and anyway, for all he knew Erwin had found a girlfriend or something since he’d written that letter, and had gotten over him now that he had someone else to make him happy. 

If he had, Levi didn’t have a right to say anything, but the thought made him feel a bit sour all the same. It was unsurprising, and the thought stuck with him for the rest of the night, mostly because even if he  _ had  _ come there for a friendly visit, the last thing he wanted to do was get stuck talking to his ex-boyfriend’s new lover at his graduation. Of course, though, that wasn’t the case, as when Levi arrived at the venue the next day he quickly realized that the only person there for Erwin other than himself was his father.

He glimpsed him sitting in one of the front rows almost as soon as he walked in, seated alone with nothing but a walking cane resting beside him. There was no Mike, Hange, or any potential girlfriend in sight, and although Levi couldn’t help but feel relieved to have avoided the awkwardness, he wondered why no one else had come either. Apparently, though, that was because the students were only allowed two invitations each - something that made sense after Levi had sat down in the back, looked around, and realized how small the auditorium they were in was.

It was more like a tiny theatre than anything else, the seats squeezed so close together that he heard the two women in front of him complaining about the guest limit. The ceremony was just for the students in small Erwin’s program, he learned, so he supposed it made sense, but, well, the fact that Erwin had only been given two invites to one of the most important events in his life and chosen to send one to Levi made him feel a bit awed. It also caused him to have to swallow down a swell of affection and warmth, because what if he hadn’t come? What if he’d just left it in the garbage after he’d gotten the letter and Erwin had wasted his invite?

He’d indicated in what he’d written that he’d actually expected that, but he’d still sent it to him anyway.  He’d picked him over any of his other friends who he probably still talked to and would probably come, even though they hadn't spoken in two years and the last time they'd seen each other, Levi had stormed off angrily. He'd had a right to, but regardless, Erwin had taken this chance, possibly wasting his invite on him, because...because why? Had he just wanted him there that badly? Levi couldn't know exactly what Erwin had been thinking, but given what he'd also told him in that damn letter, he believed it was probably something like that.

Whatever it was, it made Levi’s heart beat faster just thinking about it, as if the invitation itself was physical proof of the words he’d written. It certainly was a declaration of love in some form, Levi thought, and it made his chest ache with something that he wasn’t sure how to describe. There was longing but also a resigned sadness, a feeling of assurance because he knew he felt the same way and Erwin returned the sentiment, but also of a deep, lingering melancholy because there was just nothing to be done about it. 

None of that went away when Levi finally saw Erwin either about thirty minutes later, once the graduation ceremony started and his name was called out. Levi had to admit his attention had been wondering before then, but at the sound of it his ears perked up and he looked to the stage quickly, biting his lip and staring at where the graduates were appearing from behind a curtain. A second later and Erwin was there crossing it, most of his form and blonde head hidden by a cap and gown but looking just as recognizable to Levi as he always had. 

Just as it had last time, the sight of him after so long made his breath catch, but he somehow made himself clap along with everyone else politely even as his mind reeled. He listened to the announcer read out his honors as he accepted his doctorate - Erwin had graduated at the top of his class, naturally - and watched him shake hands with the dean, a smile on his face that Levi could tell he was only wearing to be polite, even from his spot in the back of the auditorium. 

Despite the fact that Erwin’s fucking degree had been what took him from Levi in the first place, he’d be lying to himself if he said that he wasn’t proud of him in that moment. He’d worked hard and dedicated 6 years of his life to getting something as difficult as a doctorate, and even though he’d only graduated from a basic community college, Levi knew how gratifying it felt to have your studies rewarded with a diploma - even if it was really just a stupid piece of paper. 

Then, however, no sooner had those thoughts crossed his mind than Erwin was staring out into the audience as he finished crossing the rest of the stage, his eyes first landing on his father briefly but then glancing over his head, searching quickly until sure enough, they landed on Levi from where he was seated in his back row and latched onto him. He’d been looking for him, of course, and even though Erwin’s expression remained the same when he saw him and their gazes only locked for a second before he disappeared from view, it still made Levi’s heart nearly stop in his chest anyway. 

His cheeks grew warm too and he suddenly felt nervous, his mind racing for the first time about what the hell he was going to say to him later. Was it going to be as weird and strained as it had been when they’d first spoken at the wedding? There was a chance that it would be, but in general, Levi felt more confident that it would be different this time, less awkward and forced because he’d actually come there to see him on purpose. He was also in a better place emotionally and mentally, as in general he’d accepted what had happened between them and resigned himself to the fact that they weren’t together anymore.

Still, though, he supposed there would always be a part of him - the same part that would never stop loving Erwin, no matter what - that couldn’t help but grow flustered easily when he was nearby because of how he felt. Erwin had always affected him like that, even before Levi realized he’d had a crush on him, and it hadn’t gone away just because he’d gotten older. All it had done was become easier to control, enough so that by the time the ceremony ended he’d put himself back together - at least on the outside. 

On the inside he felt a little remaining nerves and anxiousness as he made his way to the reception area, worrying at his bottom lip as he grabbed a glass of water and hung around at the back of the room. It was probably normal regardless of their other circumstances because he just hadn’t seen Erwin in so long, but he tried to focus on something, anything else while he waited for Erwin to approach him. 

He was sure that he would after he’d found him in the audience earlier, but likely he would need to talk to his dad first. Levi didn’t want to interrupt that and wasn’t sure how Mr. Smith felt about him after all these years, and so he kept his distance, sipping his water until the cup was empty and he had to discard it. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets and tried not to worry at his bottom lip, watching Erwin eventually come out with the other graduates and sure enough, seek out his dad. They spoke for a bit but Erwin seemed distracted, his head turning this way and that, looking over his father’s head and into the mingling crowd while he was talking. 

Obviously he was searching out Levi again, but he made no move to step into Erwin’s line of vision or anything like that, instead just waiting until a group of people seemed to part in between them and Erwin finally glimpsed him. Immediately, his wandering eyes halted and he seemed to freeze - Levi could tell even from across the room - and all of a sudden Levi’s heart was beating so loudly that he could barely hear the cacophony of voices surrounding him.

Then, Erwin’s attention went back to his dad and Levi saw him clap a hand on his shoulder before he almost unconsciously adjusted his clothing, straightening the suit and tie he’d worn and smoothing down his shirt. He’d realized upon arriving there that he was overdressed, but he hadn’t known what he was supposed to wear and even though it was stupid, he’d wanted to look his best. 

Really, though, that shit was the least of his worries, because a second later and Erwin had said goodbye to his father and was making his way through the crowd, his gaze on Levi the entire time he walked forward. Levi hadn't glanced away from him either - he couldn't, he'd found, ever since their eyes had locked together - and instead just watched him approach, clearing his throat when he got near and trying to quell the nervous energy that was building up inside him. 

“Levi.” Erwin said when he reached him, dodging a woman who'd been moving to give someone a hug and stopping a few feet in front of him. “You came.”

“Yeah.” Levi answered automatically, gazing up at him with wide eyes. “I came.”

There was silence for a few seconds after that, strangely comfortable while they stood apart and slowly took each other in. Erwin's eyes flickered over him from head to toe and Levi did the same, swallowing at how good Erwin looked, his features and build gorgeous to him as always even if he was basically wearing a rumpled, shapeless dress and a stupid hat. He appeared to be calm, Levi thought, and had a soft, neutral expression on his face, but he wasn't blind, and he could see that the set of Erwin's shoulders was stiff, and that he was clutching his rolled up diploma a bit tightly at his side. 

“You look nice.” Erwin said only a second after he'd noticed, finally giving Levi the small smile that he'd almost unconsciously been craving. 

Unlike their last meeting it did wonders to relax him, probably because he could see in Erwin's eyes that it was genuine and grateful, evidence of the happiness he apparently felt from how Levi had shown up to his graduation. 

“You too.” Levi forced out in response, looking away for a moment before he spoke again. “Uh, congratulations, or whatever, Erwin. Or do I have to call you Dr. Smith now?”

At that, Erwin laughed, a low sound that made Levi bite back a smile himself. “No. Only my students have to call me that.”

“Really? If I had one of those damn things I'd make everyone call me that.” 

“Even if I did, I wouldn't make _ you _ .” Erwin replied, cocking his head and still wearing a smile. 

It was teasing, but Levi froze at his words - only because they'd made his ears warm and tingle - and a moment later Erwin's face had fallen, his posture becoming stiff again as he cleared his throat like he'd done something wrong. 

“Ah, I only mean because we've known each other for so long. It seems strange.” He said, his eyes searching Levi's expression as if he was checking to see if he'd made him angry. 

He hadn't, but considering what had happened the last time they'd seen each other and how guilty Erwin apparently felt about it, Levi could see that he was doing all that he could to not make him uncomfortable. 

“Right.” He said, because he did appreciate it, even if the strained tone he spoke in said otherwise. “I get it.”

Erwin's smile returned at that, appearing easy and natural on his face, so much so that Levi even managed to give him a small one back. They were silent for another second, just soaking in each other's presence, before Erwin looked back in the direction he'd come and spoke again.

“Listen, Levi, I need to see my father for a bit before he goes back to his hotel. How long are you here for?”

“Until the day after tomorrow.” Levi answered, nodding because of course, he understood that Erwin needed to talk to his dad too. 

“Would you like to catch up tomorrow, then?” Erwin asked him, and although his smile had faded and his face had gone blank - presumably, Levi thought, in case he said no - there was a hopeful brightness in his eyes that he hadn’t been able to hide.

Nodding again, though, because regardless of anything, Levi hadn’t come all this way to talk to Erwin for a measly five minutes, he responded immediately, finding himself looking forward to it already as Erwin smiled again. “Yeah, sure.”

“Great.” He said in response, before he asked Levi a few more questions, like what hotel he was staying at and if he wanted to meet up around lunch. 

Levi told him the address of where he was staying and agreed to the time, nodding when Erwin said he would meet him in the lobby and they could go out to eat. Then he watched as Erwin paused again, taking him in once more before his eyes settled back on his face. He looked like he wanted to say something else so Levi waited, seemingly holding his breath and finding his heart racing all over again at the thought, staring up at him with what he hoped wasn’t a too revealing look until Erwin finally spit it out. 

“Levi.” He said, giving him another smile - this one, Levi noticed, far more melancholy and less bright than the others - before swallowing. “It’s good to see you again.”

Again, Levi’s cheeks grew warm. He looked away, digesting the words, before glancing back up at Erwin a moment later. It was a simple, polite phrase, but coming from Erwin and when said to  _ him  _ it was loaded with far more meaning than just a basic platitude. Still, though, he knew he felt the same way, and because he couldn’t lie, not right then, he let out a breath in a huff and nodded. “Yeah. You too, Erwin.”

After that, they said goodbye and Levi left for his hotel, taking a cab back and ruminating over their meeting in the back seat. It had gone pretty well, he thought, as Levi got the sense that they both seemed to be on the same page about the status of their relationship - or at least, both under the impression that they weren’t going to be anything other than polite friends. Levi hoped that Erwin didn’t think he despised him or anything though, but he didn’t have any idea how to even begin to tell him that. It probably wouldn’t be a good idea anyway, but apparently, it turned out to be inevitable that they’d end up having the conversation anyway.

It wasn’t during the day though, and the thought slipped Levi’s mind by the time the next morning rolled around. He got up early and treated himself to a delicious breakfast delivered by hotel room service, and then took his time showering and getting ready. He hadn’t brought another nice outfit so he hoped they weren’t going anywhere fancy for lunch, but made sure his jeans were pressed anyway and that his sweater was free of any stray fuzz. He combed his hair neatly and shaved his face with a careful hand, and by the time he was done, it was nearly lunch time.

Grabbing his coat, he made his way downstairs, biting his lip because he suddenly felt butterflies in his stomach. He was nervous like he was about to go on a first date or something, but that didn’t make any fucking sense, because this  _ wasn’t  _ a date and even if it was, he was going with Erwin. Erwin, who even though he’d kind of had a falling out with, he’d known his entire life, and who he had no reason to be worried about what kind of impression he might make on him while they were catching up like this.

What if they’d changed too much, though? What if they didn’t get along anymore because they were finally grown up and had turned into two different people, and they wouldn’t be able to make conversation?

Luckily, Levi was able to convince himself that idea was stupid fairly quickly. They’d changed before and managed to stay friends, and besides, they were just having a casual, friendly lunch, and it wasn’t like this was going to lead to anything. It wasn’t like whatever behavior he exhibited would affect whether or not something happened next, because  _ nothing  _ was going to happen next. Levi was going to go home the day after and perhaps never see Erwin again, or at the very least not see him often. Perhaps they would strike up a correspondence again if they could be friends now, but Levi wasn’t sure if it would end up like that or not, or if either one of them could even handle it. 

Regardless of his nerves, he didn’t have a chance to try and work it completely out of his system. As soon as he stepped out into his hotel lobby he saw that Erwin had already arrived despite the fact that it was ten minute before noon, and was sitting in a chair near the front door reading a magazine. He had a jacket draped across his lap and was wearing dress slacks and a nice, blue button down shirt that he’d tried to look more casual in by rolling up the sleeves, and naturally, the first sight of him caused Levi to swallow and force himself to ignore the warm feeling he got while gazing at him. 

He sighed in an effort to calm his beating heart too, and then approached, lifting his fingers in a hesitant wave when Erwin looked up and finally saw him. He gave him a smile and stood up, discarding his magazine and cradling his jacket to his chest as Levi stopped in front of him.

“Hello, Levi.” He said, his eyes glancing over him briefly. “How are you today?”

“Fine. Tired.” Levi replied, shrugging.

“Jetlag?”

“Yeah.” Levi answered. He hadn’t slept very well the night before, tossing and turning in his bed and having trouble staying knocked out. He was jetlagged, he knew, but he was also pretty sure that wasn’t the entire reason he hadn't been able to get any rest. “You’re early.”

“Yes, sorry. I wanted to make sure I got here on time.” Erwin said. 

He put a hand into his pocket and swallowed, and although it was barely noticeable, Levi wondered if he was feeling nervous too. If he was it wasn't affecting his eagerness, because that  _ was _ palpable, and had been from the moment he'd practically jumped out of his chair when he'd seen Levi approaching. Apparently he was looking forward to their lunch, and although Levi was too and probably could have guessed that, thinking it and seeing it were two different things. 

It made him flush a bit - tiny enough to be unnoticeable, thank fuck - and feel something nice from the fact that Erwin wanted to see him so badly. It was the same emotion he'd felt he day before when he'd learned Erwin had sent one of his two graduation invites to him on a wild chance, but more importantly than that at the time, it made Levi feel more relaxed. It wasn't awkward or weird between them; he could already tell, and it gave Levi hope that he was going to have an enjoyable day with his old friend Erwin.

“Are you ready to eat?” Erwin asked then, interrupting his thoughts as he threw on his jacket. 

“Yeah. Where are we going?” Levi replied, averting his gaze so that he wouldn’t stare at Erwin’s thick and defined bare forearms before they disappeared inside of his sleeves. 

“There’s a good place a few blocks away that I think you’d like. If Chinese food is still your favorite, anyway.”

“It is.” Levi mumbled, unable to stop his ears from warming despite himself.

Erwin smiled at that and gestured towards the door, and together the both of them set off, stepping out into the cool fall air side by side. Levi let Erwin lead the way to the restaurant while they chatted amicably, falling into an easy conversation that was only interrupted by Erwin stopping to point out landmarks or places that he was fond of in the city. It was nice, and after a short wait for their table at lunch, the topics they were talking about finally turned into actually catching up. 

It consumed most of their visit there, as 6 years with only barely speaking to one another left a lot to be discussed. Erwin knew the basics about Levi’s job but he was able to tell him more, after a few questions from Erwin set him off. He told him about how he’d started out working with adults in drug programs after graduation but hated it, and how he’d decided to find something that involved helping kids that he liked much, much better. It was Mikasa that had made him realize it might be the way to go with his career, his little second or third cousin or whatever who had been born to the Mr. and Mrs. Ackerman that ran the grocery store Levi had once worked at. 

She’d been just a baby when Levi and Erwin had started college, but she was now a small child, and she’d had trouble fitting in and finding friends at school just like Levi had at that age. She was a bit shy and quiet, and just as awkward around kids as she was as adults - well, except for Levi, for some reason. Perhaps it was because they’d turned out to be so similar, but whenever Kuchel had babysat her, she’d always followed Levi around the house and showed an intense interest in whatever it was that he was doing. Even if he was studying she’d curl up next to him and watch cartoons on the couch, not put off in the least by the begrudging looks he gave her. 

By the time she entered grade school her parents became concerned about her behavior though, and went to Kuchel for advice, who then asked Levi if he could talk to her since she seemed to respond to him so well. He wasn’t sure what he could do, but a little gentle coaxing got her to reveal that there was a boy in her class named Eren who she liked because he’d helped her carry her books once, and that she wished he would be her friend. He liked dinosaurs, Mikasa said, and although at that point in his life, Levi knew that something as simple as asking another kid to play could be a monumentally big deal to a child, he suggested that if she was comfortable, she could ask Eren what his favorite dinosaur was. 

Most kids liked to talk about shit they were interested in, he knew, and if he responded to her, then Mikasa could ask him if he wanted to play t-rexes or whatever the fuck on the playground with her. He told her that - not in those exact terms, of course - and although he knew it was scary, if Eren was someone who was going to be a good friend he’d be nice to her. It worked, surprisingly, and although Levi didn’t know the exact details of how it had happened, he knew Mikasa and Eren were still best friends now, and it had all gotten him thinking in the end that kids were much easier to deal with than adults.

He’d actually felt something after helping her too, something that he might even call rewarding that he’d never gotten when helping drug addicts. It wasn’t that he hated those people, but...well, he liked children better than most adults anyway, and he knew that there were many out there who needed help more than Mikasa did.

“That’s great, Levi.” Erwin told him for what seemed like the millionth time since he’d started talking, after he’d paused to show him a picture of her. “She’s adorable. She looks just like you and your mother.”

Levi snorted. “Yeah, but I dunno how. Her dad didn’t inherit our resting bitch face gene.”

At that, it was Erwin’s turn to laugh and smile in amusement - no doubt remembering all the times that Levi had complained about how he was always told he looked pissed off when he was a teenager. Now he didn’t much care, and even then, it hadn’t mattered much because Erwin had always assured him that  _ he  _ thought he was cute no matter the face he was making. Levi wondered how much of Erwin calling Mikasa adorable was due to the fact that she looked like him rather than just because she was a kid in general, deciding to change the subject a second later to interrupt the train of thought. 

He told him about what he did now instead: working with orphans and foster parents and helping children to find a good home. It was emotionally exhausting employment sometimes and he often had to work difficult hours, but he liked it, and found everything that he had to deal with worth it when he made the kids happy. He couldn’t help mentioning some of the ones he liked best either, telling Erwin about Farlan, a boy of 4, and Isabel, a tiny 2 year old with red hair, who he often took out in his spare time on ‘field trips’ because they hadn't found foster care yet. 

Erwin listened to all of it with rapt attention, his eyes lighting up and a fond smile on his face while Levi talked about taking Farlan and Isabel to the zoo. He told him again that the job sounded perfect for him when he was finished, which made Levi realize that he’d been talking about himself this entire time and they were almost halfway through with their meal. He wanted to hear about what Erwin had been up to also, he found, and hadn’t meant to take up so much time babbling about his job like that. 

When he asked, though, Erwin just said it had been a lot of studying, writing, and researching, and although he enjoyed the subjects, he was grateful to be done. He’d been offered a job teaching at the university like he’d mentioned to Levi in his letter and was supposed to start next week, and that was just about all Levi was able to get out of him without pressing. 

“What else did you do around here?” Levi asked, after Erwin had finished his short spiel by telling Levi that he’d be spending his next few months coming up with lessons and a schedule for his new students. 

“Not much. I really didn’t allow myself a lot of free time, not when I needed to focus on my studies.” Erwin answered, chuckling as if Levi was asking an outlandish question.

“So you’re telling me all you did for the past six years was read books.” 

“Among other things like that, yes.”

“Didn’t you have friends to drag you out?” Levi asked, frowning, his voice going quiet too because by then, he was starting to feel a bit of concern for what Erwin’s time had been like there.

“I made some acquaintances, but I mostly only saw them during school.”

“Erwin…” He muttered, narrowing his eyes at him. 

Erwin may have been acting like what he was telling Levi wasn’t a big deal or didn’t matter, but Levi knew better than to assume he’d been fine. He knew him, even after six years of being apart, and he knew that it was his almost natural tendency to downplay anything concerning so Levi wouldn’t worry. It had even played a part in their break-up before Levi’s own issues had interfered, but now he didn’t have any of his own anxieties to distract him, and he couldn’t help but feel fretful over the fact that it sounded like Erwin had mostly been alone.

Hadn’t he been lonely? Hadn’t he gotten tired of studying and all that shit at  _ some  _ point during all that time? How much of his focusing on that had been because he’d really wanted to, and how much had been because he actually didn’t have anyone to talk to?

Levi knew that he did place importance on his studies, obviously, or he wouldn’t even be there right then, and he worked hard, but it was also like him to throw himself into it as a distraction. Levi had seen him do it before when they’d been together, but during that time, he’d always had Levi to pull him out of it. He didn’t necessarily feel guilty that he hadn’t been able to be there for him - he couldn’t have been, not when Erwin had ended their relationship himself - but just sad for Erwin if he’d made himself miserable, and sad that it had all turned out like this in the first place. 

“Don’t worry, Levi.” Erwin said though, of course, giving him his best reassuring smile from across the table. It was an attempt to assuage Levi’s obvious worry or to perhaps change the subject, but unfortunately for Erwin he wasn’t going to buy it, because he realized right away that nothing about his calm, encouraging expression actually met his eyes. “I talked to Mike, Hange, and Nile all the time. I still do, in fact, and now you’re here. We’re out eating lunch together.”

Levi snorted, rolling his eyes because he was pretty sure that one single outing to a restaurant didn’t make up for six years of limited social interaction. Plus, there was something else that suddenly occurred to him, something that he’d thought about the day before and that he couldn’t help but speak up about.

“Yeah, well, you didn’t know we would be. You didn’t even know if I would come, but you asked me to come to this shit anyway even though you only had two invites. You probably should’ve invited Mike or four eyes, or shitbeard.”

Erwin laughed at Levi’s words at first, amused as he’d always been by his nicknames for their friends. Then his chucking died down and his wide smile turned softer, his eyes taking in Levi for a quiet moment before he spoke again.

“Well, I thought it was worth the risk, I suppose.”

“Why?” 

“I wanted to see you, and to go out with you like this. It wasn't the same before and that was why I didn't, because I...well, I-” Erwin interrupted himself before he could finish, his lips hanging open a moment before he closed them and cleared his throat. He looked down at his plate then, his eyes darting away from Levi’s as if he was taking a moment to steel himself, but then glanced back up again with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to see you again, but I didn’t invite you here to talk about anything like that. Let’s just enjoy lunch and finish catching up.”

Levi bit his lip, feeling a little flustered but managing to nod anyway. His ears felt warm and his heart was pounding, but he didn’t press because he knew what Erwin had been about to say anyway:  _ I missed you.  _ He’d made it pretty clear in his letter and Levi wasn’t stupid, but he wouldn’t press even if Erwin had suddenly slipped, admitting that was the reason he hadn't gone out much after all of his dancing around the issue moments before. Levi had asked the question without even thinking about it anyway and probably shouldn’t have, because Erwin was clearly making sure that he was on his best behavior so that nothing like what happened at Mike’s wedding occured again. Levi was grateful, but that just meant he had to control himself too, something that he hadn’t thought would be much of a problem before he’d left home. 

However, the more time he spent with Erwin the more he realized how good it was to see him again, and how much he really had missed him too. He’d known it before, of course, as a fact, but now it seemed more real, the feeling stirring inside him along with a dozen other things - like fondness and regret and worst of all, fucking  _ longing  _ \- that had apparently just been lying dormant inside of him after he’d accepted their break-up. It was ridiculous though; he’d only been with Erwin for two hours that day. Why was he already struggling?

He wasn’t, he decided. He’d just let his thoughts stray too far, something that he’d told himself not to do before he’d even bought his damn plane tickets, but now that he knew it was an issue it wouldn’t happen again. Still, though, he couldn’t help but avert his eyes down to where Erwin’s hand was resting on the table, staring at it for a moment and thinking about how easy it would be to just reach over and grab it with his own…

“Yeah.” He said then, shaking his head and twisting his head around to glance out a window, at a waiter or someone’s food, anything but Erwin for the next few seconds so that he could get a hold of himself. “Yeah, okay.”

Erwin gave him another reassuring smile a few moments later when their eyes finally met again, which Levi attempted to return hesitantly with the tiniest upward curve of his lips. After that, Erwin started asking him about where he was living and things like that, and the rest of their lunch went smoothly. Erwin wanted to make the most of his visit though, he said, and asked Levi if he wanted to do something else afterward. There were museums around and a nice tea shop that he said he’d thought Levi would like, and because Levi  _ was  _ enjoying himself regardless of whatever had happened at lunch, he agreed.

“I thought you didn’t go out.” He said though, unable to resist teasing Erwin when he raved about the tea shop. 

“I wasn’t a shut-in, Levi.” Erwin replied, laughing a bit at what he'd said. “I did have to leave my apartment  _ sometimes _ .”

“Well going out to buy toilet paper so you can shit doesn't count.”

Erwin's laughter turned into a snort, a smiling lingering on his face as they stepped back out onto the streets. They'd paid for their food by then - separately, of course - and although it had been delicious like Erwin had promised and he was pretty full, Levi knew he wouldn't mind a cup of afternoon tea either. He told Erwin who visibly brightened at the prospect of taking him there, and he saw why once they reached it after a quick, ten minute walk: it was huge for a tea shop, a two story building tucked in between a bunch of businesses on a crowded street, the cafe on the bottom floor with what looked like a shopping area upstairs. 

“They have more teas than I've ever seen.” Erwin told him as they approached, and Levi was unable to keep his eyes from widening. “They grow their own too somewhere out in the country and sell a bunch of blends here. I've only tried a few, but I've heard they're all very good.”

Levi just nodded at his explanation, looking around curiously when they entered and made their way through scattered tables and chairs to get in line. There was a bar where you ordered and a huge menu that took up the entire back wall, and Levi had to squint at it and read quickly so he could decide. In the end he picked a local blend of black tea - his favorite - while Erwin got a cappuccino, and they found a spot in the corner near the stairs to sip their drinks. 

The tea was delicious just like Erwin said, and immediately after tasting it, Levi knew he wouldn't be boarding his plane home without as many containers of it stuffed inside his bag as he could get. It was a good thing he’d packed light, because in the end, he bought an entire basketful of different blends from upstairs too, grabbing as many as he could that looked good for himself, and even one or two that he thought his mother might like to try. 

They walked out of there with a bag full of purchases, and with Erwin looking very pleased that Levi had enjoyed the place so much. After that they went to a small art museum and a bookstore that claimed to be several centuries old where Levi found an interesting recipe book, and by then, it was probably getting close to the time for their day spent together to wind down, as Levi had an early flight the next morning and they certainly couldn’t say that they hadn’t visited with each other enough. 

However, as they walked back to Levi’s hotel, their steps slow and meandering the entire way, it seemed like they either didn’t want it to end or weren’t ready to say goodbye yet, because once they reached the entrance to the place where Erwin had met Levi that morning, they both stopped and stared at each other for a long moment. 

“Well.” Erwin started after letting his eyes wander over Levi, forcing a smile. “I had a lot of fun today, but I guess you should go inside and get some rest.”

Levi shrugged, biting his lip and looking to the side. It wasn’t  _ that  _ late, he thought. Was there any chance that Erwin might want to get dinner? Not for a date or anything like that, of course, but fuck, he’d flown all this way, and they might as well see each other as much as they could, right? 

“I guess.” He said, scowling while he struggled on whether or not he should ask. “I was gonna sleep on the plane.”

Erwin raised an eyebrow at that, studying him intently for a moment. Levi shifted on his feet and looked back at him, gazing up into his eyes and hoping he would realize that what Levi had just said was an open invitation for their visit to continue, or for Erwin to ask him to do something else if he wanted. There was always the chance that he didn’t and that he was ready to go home, and just when Levi was about to assume that was the case, Erwin cleared his throat, licking his lips and holding them open for a moment like he did when he was nervous before straightening up again and speaking.

“There’s a nice pub near my apartment that gives discounts to university students.” He said, his face going blank. “My i.d. card hasn’t expired yet, and I could loan you some drinks if you-”

“Okay.” Levi blurted, interrupting before Erwin had even finished inviting him. 

It made him sound just as eager as he was, but he hadn’t meant to get ahead of himself like that. He flushed a bit because of it and because it made Erwin blink - almost like he was surprised Levi had said yes - and then smile so widely that he looked like a kid again, the sight making Levi’s heart flutter lightly as if  _ he  _ was a kid again too. It was stupid because they’d been together all day, but all of a sudden Levi felt nervous again - a different kind than what he’d been suffering from that morning. Then, it had been laced with worry that things might have changed so much between them that they wouldn’t even be able to have a normal lunch together, but now it was tinged with excitement, the hopeful kind that Levi knew he had no business feeling. 

There was no point to it; nothing was going to happen. This wasn't a date, just like their outing that afternoon hadn't been a date, and even if it  _ was _ a date, Levi was leaving in the morning. He reminded himself of all of this, taking a breath as he told Erwin he needed to go put his bags inside first. They were full of his purchases from earlier that day, and he was tired of carrying them around. Also, he wanted to grab a jacket, and to look at his face in the mirror and tell himself not to do anything stupid. What was important was that he and Erwin were rekindling their friendship -  _ not  _ his nagging emotional bullshit - and regardless of what he might feel, he didn't want to jeopardize that. Besides, he thought, he was going to a pub. He was going to get some drinks and have a good time, and he didn't want to waste any of it lingering on anything disappointing. 

With that in mind, he grabbed the jacket he'd gone into his hotel room to get and headed back outside, finding Erwin waiting where he'd left him. He gave him another small smile when Levi stepped outside, and once he reached him again, they both started walking side by side towards the nearby pub. 


	8. Chapter 7, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then what should we do, Erwin?” Levi asked, because even though they were speaking vaguely, they both knew what they were talking about: their relationship. "About us?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, far longer than I ever anticipated and hopefully not below expectations :P

The pub, Levi discovered, was actually right across the street from Erwin's university, and was packed with undergraduate college students who were significantly younger - and louder - than them both. They were everywhere, sitting around tables in crowds, playing pool together, and standing at the bar, blocking the entire thing so that it was almost impossible for anyone else to order a drink. It was like some kind of fucking late night party was going on even though it was only early evening, and there were so many people there that it was a wonder they managed to even find a place to sit.

Somehow, though, they got lucky, snatching a small booth in the corner just as a group of patrons were vacating it. There Levi was able to take a look around and wonder why the place seemed like a frat house, unable to stop himself from glowering a bit because even though he was  _ only  _ 27, he felt a bit out of place amongst people who were so much younger than him. It certainly didn’t help that they were as rowdy as they could be, drunk and shouting while their friends chugged beers, played games, and took shots of liquor in amounts that made Levi cringe.

It was a bit overwhelming, but thankfully, he was not alone. He was with Erwin, whose very presence made him feel more at ease because he was the same age, and because he seemed to be just as taken off guard by the crowds of near teenagers as Levi had been - something that he found a little funny considering Erwin had still been a student too, albeit an older one, just the day before.

“Are you gonna go take shots with you friends?” Levi asked, teasing him a little after they’d gotten situated at their table, nodding his head in the direction of a large group of kids who had just received a tray full of shots from one of the bar waitresses.

Erwin followed his gaze and snorted in response, a small smile appearing on his face as he looked back at him and a round of cheers went up in the background. “I don’t think so. Just thinking about drinking like that is giving me a headache."

“What the hell are they all doing in here right now?” Levi asked at that. He made sure the annoyance was written on his face as he looked around at them again, frowning especially at a student who stepped too close to their table and nearly spilled his drink.

“Making me feel old.” Was Erwin’s answer, delivered with a wry smile that had Levi rolling his eyes. 

“You’ve been an old man since the day we fucking met.” He said, remembering how Erwin had been reading books about chariots at the age of 5. “I’m surprised you weren’t born with a pair of reading glasses on your face.”

Erwin’s lips curved up wider at that, and he let out a small huff of amusement at Levi’s continued teasing. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t. Now what do you want to eat, grandpa?”

Levi asked the question because their waitress had just arrived with menus, handing them off to the both of them before disappearing again quickly. He opened his to take a look - finding that he was hungry again, despite the large meal he’d had for lunch - and to briefly scan the smaller options for dinner, only to feel Erwin’s eyes on him still, warm and intense in their gaze from across the table. He was smiling, Levi could see too from the top of his own vision, but no sooner had he glanced back up to meet Erwin’s stare then he was looking away, dropping his head down to read his menu while clearing his throat. It made Levi bite his lip and swallow, his ears warming a little too from how he’d just caught Erwin studying him like that.

Studying wasn’t even the right word though, Levi thought, it was  _ gazing _ , fondly and with longing written on his features that Levi had been able to sense even before he’d looked up completely. It was obvious when he already knew how Erwin felt, and when his own heart had skipped a beat almost automatically when he’d realized he was staring. His chest was full of affection too, tight and swelling with it in a way that had gotten stronger and stronger since that morning, growing harder for him to ignore the more time he continued to spend with Erwin. 

It was a nice, light feeling if he didn’t think about it too much, but because of their situation, if he even barely started to focus on it he knew that it would quickly turn into gloom or melancholy. As such, it was best not to dwell on it - something that he’d told himself what seemed like a million times that day, including before he’d left his hotel not even thirty minutes ago - and so he shook it off like Erwin had done, lowering his own gaze back to his menu too and staying quiet until Erwin spoke up again.

“I think they’re celebrating.” He said, prompting Levi to look back up and raise an eyebrow.

“Huh?”

“The students, I mean. They had their own graduation too.”

“Oh.” Levi said, glancing around again at all the rowdy kids. He bit his lip, taking in the information and noticing how much fun they seemed to be having around them, and turned back to Erwin. “Are you not going to?”

“Going to what?”

“Celebrate.”

Erwin raised his eyebrows at that, his lips parting minutely for just a moment like he hadn’t been expecting Levi to ask that question, or like he hadn’t even considered it. Levi wouldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t, but realizing that the younger students in the pub had graduated too made Levi think about the ceremony the day before, and about how he had felt proud of Erwin when he’d walked across the stage. It was a big deal and he’d accomplished a lot, and Levi found that he didn’t want him to overlook that.

“I hadn’t considered it.” Erwin said though, of course, prompting Levi to roll his eyes and wave over a waitress. 

“We’ll have the nachos.” He said, staring at Erwin the entire time as if he dared him to protest. “I’ll take a martini, and he’ll have a beer. And a shot of tequila.”

“ _ Tequila _ , Levi?”

“Fine, whiskey. It’s for your graduation.”

Erwin was more agreeable to that, apparently, because he didn’t say anything else, and after waiting another second the waitress nodded. She left, leaving Erwin now smiling at Levi with his eyebrows still raised, and Levi leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed.

“What?” He asked after a moment or two of them just staring at each other, as if Erwin’s bemused expression didn’t speak for itself.

“Nothing. I just didn’t know we were coming here to have such a wild time, that's all.”

At that, Levi scoffed. “If I don’t make you celebrate, no one will. And besides, one shitty shot is hardly a ‘wild time’ anyway, Erwin.”

Erwin laughed at his comment and seemed to agree, however, one shot turned into two and then two turned into three, and with several cocktails under Levi’s belt, it wasn’t hard for a buzzed Erwin to convince Levi to order another round of shots  _ and  _ to join him in drinking them. It seemed like a good idea at the time, because despite the fact that Levi knew impairing his judgment that badly while he was around Erwin was probably the last fucking thing he needed to do, he was feeling warm, tipsy, and confident in his self-control because of the alcohol he’d already had. 

Besides, he thought, he was technically away for the weekend, taking some time off work to relax and enjoy himself. He was having fun and spending time with an old friend, and would  _ one  _ shot really hurt that much? He didn’t think so, but for whatever reason, whether it was the ecstatic, charged atmosphere in the pub or just the fact that Levi maybe, secretly wanted to let loose - just a little, to forget his problems - before the night was over he’d had two more cocktails and four shots, and he was quite drunk because he  _ still  _ didn’t know his limits.

He’d never learned them, in fact, as he’d stopped drinking anything more than the occasional glass of wine after he and Erwin had broken up in college. The community campus he attended on his own didn’t have much of a social atmosphere, and anyway, Levi wouldn’t have gone out even if it was. The result was that he was so intoxicated that he was swaying and slurring his speech before long, his judgment so impaired that he couldn’t even figure out which credit card to pay with much less stop himself from doing or saying anything he might regret with Erwin.

Luckily, though, Erwin’s size had again prevented him from spiralling into a pit of drunkenness like Levi had, so he was at least coherent enough to still be in control of himself. There was also the fact that Levi couldn’t even walk straight or unassisted working in his favor, as even if he had tried something, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything. That didn’t prevent him from running his mouth, of course, but if he did say something he didn’t remember it, because when he woke up after passing out and sleeping for nearly 5 hours, everything from the time they’d gotten their tab at the bar until that very moment was a hazy, confused blur. 

Even after opening his eyes and stirring, it still took Levi a few moments to get his bearings. He blinked and squinted in the direction of the ceiling, staring into the darkness as his vision adjusted and his mind cleared of post-drunken fog. He was no longer intoxicated, and the first thing he realized was that his head fucking hurt and his mouth was dry. The second was that he was not lying in a bed, nor was he in his hotel room. He was on a couch, covered in a blanket and with a pillow shoved up underneath his head, resting below a large, open window that was letting in sounds from the street. 

Something must have woken him up because before that he’d been sleeping soundly, but now that he was coherent - sober and aware that he was not where he was supposed to be - he suddenly remembered what had happened and sat up quickly.  _ Fuck _ , he recalled, he’d been drunk as  _ shit _ . He hadn’t meant for that to happen and immediately chastised himself, because he was with Erwin at the time, and-

_ Oh, fuck. _ He thought. He’d been with Erwin; had anything happened between them? The fact that his heart fluttered with longing almost instantly when he remembered their time hanging out together was enough of a sign that he should be worried that something had even if he didn’t know it already, but after a brief flash of panic, he realized he was still dressed in his clothes. He was wearing his jacket, even, and the fact that he was on a couch and not in bed with Erwin meant that they at least hadn’t fucked. 

He felt pretty confident about that, because he was able to at least remember too that Erwin hadn’t been as trashed as he was. Levi trusted him not to take advantage, but had he done something stupid, or tried to? Had he said anything, or touched him? What if he’d tried to kiss him? For some reason he knew he’d wanted to, but he had no memory of doing it. He had no memory of getting to this couch, either, but Erwin must have taken care of that. He must have brought him back there and put him to bed because he was too drunk to go back to his hotel, and with that realization and after looking around, Levi figured he must be in Erwin’s apartment. 

The stacks of books lying everywhere were evidence enough of that, not to mention the generalized mess, but once Levi saw the jacket Erwin had been wearing slung over a chair he knew for sure. The cap and gown he’d worn at his graduation the day before - or two days before, Levi thought, since it was now past fucking midnight - was hanging from the back of his front door too, he saw, and even if none of that had clued him in, the fact that he could smell hints of Erwin everywhere in his place would have. 

He swallowed heavily when he realized it, recognizing traces of the scent he’d never been able to fully forget, smelling it in the air, on the blanket that had been draped over him, and especially coming off the pillow he’d been sleeping on. He found that out after lying back down slowly, turning over onto his side and twisting his head around to press his face into it. He inhaled slightly, chastising himself even as he did it, but unable to stop once the rich, bodily scent mixed with shampoo filled his nostrils. Erwin had always smelled like that, and although Levi had gotten whiffs of it when they’d been together earlier, sensing it now for some reason finally made him feel the rush of deep melancholy that he’d been struggling to hold back all day.

It likely didn’t help that he was alone, letting himself wallow against this pillow after waking up in Erwin’s apartment, but he couldn’t help it and he couldn’t deny it any longer: he missed Erwin so much that it hurt. It wasn’t right without him, Levi thought, he wasn’t whole. Erwin was his other half - his soulmate - and nothing would change that no matter what happened between them. It was unfortunate because he knew that no one else would ever be able to fill the void, but what could he do? Stay there?

Doing so would be so easy, just as he’d contemplated the day before Erwin’s graduation. He could just cancel his plane ticket and not go home, quit his job and find another one there after he’d moved all his things. He had a decent amount of savings at his bank, enough to assist him, at least, and Erwin already had a place that he was paying for here, so it wasn’t like he’d have to worry about a ton of bills at first. Erwin would accept him, he knew, and they could spend their nights together and their free days doing what they’d done all afternoon: walking around town in the sun, eating lunch together, and drinking afternoon tea at cozy cafes before shopping. 

It would be nice and they’d be together, and Levi would find himself enveloped in Erwin’s scent again instead of just smelling it pathetically off of a stupid pillow. He longed for it, yearned for Erwin to be his again so badly that he positively ached, but despite the temptation he knew that he just...couldn’t.

He couldn’t leave home, not now, not when he had a job he enjoyed and his mother needed him. She was getting older, and even though she was still perfectly functional and independent, he knew one day that might not be the case. He didn’t want to leave her stuck with his shitty uncle, anyway, and besides, there were the children at the orphanage. The kids that he’d bonded with even though he was reluctant to admit it sometimes, and Mikasa, and the apartment that he’d made his own. He’d built a life there all by himself, and leaving all of it for Erwin seemed not only impossible, but stupid. 

He knew that, knew he was sure of his convictions in regards to the subject, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt or tear him up inside to have to tell himself that. In fact, it was almost as painful to think about as their actual break-up had been, to know that Erwin was within his grasp and just one or two words away from being his boyfriend again, but impossible to actually reach out and actually take. Briefly, it reminded him of a distant memory, of the time when they’d been kids and Levi had promised Erwin he’d go with him if he were to join the army. At the time he’d been certain that he would have followed him anywhere, and had believed that for most of his life, too. He still wanted to, longed to do it, but it wasn’t that simple or easy, and instead he just found himself wishing for the days when he’d been that small and unaware and full of childlike innocence - enough so that he wouldn’t have even been able to imagine that he’d be where he was right then. 

Even when he’d been a teenager he’d never thought anything like this would happen, as he’d been convinced that Erwin only liked women anyway and wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore if he found out Levi was gay, much less want to date him. The idea seemed ludicrous now because of the things they’d done - Erwin was far,  _ far  _ from straight, he thought - but even though most of his memories from that time were nothing more than a vague blur now, he still remembered how happy he’d felt when Erwin had confessed his feelings. He’d kissed Levi under the streetlight and had been the first to do so, and was Levi’s first everything else after that - not to mention his only. 

He’d been ecstatic and genuinely happy when they were together, and he wouldn’t say that he was miserable now that he’d learned to cope, but he knew the only thing that would bring that feeling back to him was Erwin returning to his life again, full force. He couldn’t, though,  _ they  _ couldn’t, as belatedly, Levi found himself wondering if there was a chance Erwin might move back home. That line of thinking was pointless and painful, though, because after Mike’s wedding he’d sworn to himself that he’d never believe Erwin might come back ever again, and even if he thought he would Levi wouldn’t ever ask him.

Not after he’d worked so hard to get his degree and a job that he’d enjoy, and not after he’d built a life for himself there just like Levi had. Except, well, had he really? Levi was pretty sure after what Erwin had told him at lunch that day that he didn’t really have any friends there, and despite all of the fronts and false smiles he’d put up, Levi could tell he wasn’t really happy. He was probably lonely and missed Levi by his own admission, because they both felt the same way about each other. They both wanted to be together but they couldn’t, and because of that, deep down, they were both just unhappy. 

It was stupid and shitty and Levi hated it, and thinking about it was making the ache in his head feel worse. It was like that in the first place because of how much he’d had to drink, but he was lucky it wasn’t  _ too  _ bad, considering that he had a flight the next morning. Thinking of that made Levi wonder if he should go - get a cab and get back to his hotel, because he had to get up early and he hadn’t packed his things. There was also the fact that he would have to face Erwin in the morning and possibly deal with awkwardness if he’d tried to do something stupid, and thinking about it, leaving right then without saying goodbye was probably what he should do. That would just make everything worse for him, but he needed to get home, to settle back into the routine he’d made for himself and forget this damned weekend had ever happened, because coming there in the first place had likely been a mistake. 

It’d made his pining and loneliness and his feelings for Erwin return in full force, but this time he had no one to blame but himself. Still, though, the thought of just departing in the middle of the night without at least thanking Erwin for taking care of him while he was drunk seemed rude, and he didn’t want to hurt him. Plus, he was still tired, and if he stayed there he would get a little bit more sleep than he might in his hotel. Deciding that he’d gotten himself into this mess in the first place and he’d just have to deal with the consequences, he pushed himself away from the pillow he’d been hugging and threw the blanket off himself, thinking that getting some water for his head was a good idea before he tried to go back to sleep. 

He knew Erwin wouldn’t mind, and so after standing up, he winced at how the shift in blood in his body made his head suddenly throb, swallowing down a wave of mild nausea that twisted in his belly because of it, and took off his jacket. He then looked around and headed for a dark hallway, assuming that the bathroom would be down that way. He was right and found it quickly, ignoring the cracked door he passed that likely led to Erwin’s bedroom, and took a piss first before using the small cup near Erwin’s sink to get himself some water. 

He chugged the whole glass in just a full gulps - he hadn’t realized how fucking thirsty he was, apparently - and then poured himself another, taking it slower this time and looking around the bathroom as he drank. Immediately, he noticed a medicine cabinet on the wall, stepping towards it without even thinking to see if there was any aspirin inside. That would certainly help his head if the water didn’t, but as soon as he opened the door and caught sight of what was inside, he froze.

His eyes widened, and he knew that he should close the cabinet and leave the bathroom. Unfortunately, though, he couldn’t, because after glimpsing a picture of himself and Erwin, tucked inside one of the shelves behind a disposable razor, he felt his heart constrict in his chest. It was the two of them when they’d been younger, obviously, at some kind of carnival, and Levi remembered that his mother had taken them and snapped the picture. The memory made him ache, but it was what was next to the picture that made the pain worse: antidepressants - two bottles of them that had been filled recently. 

Levi knew them by name from work, as some of the teenaged kids took them, and from what he could tell the dosage of Erwin’s was pretty fucking high. Frowning, he took one of the bottles in his hands to take a closer look, reading the description there before shoving it back inside quickly, shutting the door, and leaning over the sink to stare at the drain. 

If Erwin was depressed...well, it made a lot of sense, actually. It didn’t surprise him, he found, not at all, because it explained a lot of his behavior, like the way he viewed himself and the decisions he made, and how he’d often had downward mood swings in their early college years. It also definitely made Levi understand why he’d thought himself worthless for moving away and that Levi might not want him anymore - or, as he remembered Erwin’s letter - not deserve him, but even if it wasn’t a shock, Levi still felt bad. How long had he been taking these? He knew he must have started them after he’d moved here, but was it because he’d gotten worse? If he had, how much of it was actually because of what had happened between them, and how much was just Erwin’s apparent predisposition for it?

Levi knew it couldn’t be  _ all  _ because of their break-up, but the fact that it might have contributed to it in any way made him feel like shit for Erwin. The image of him there alone, down and lonely for this fucking long was just about the worst thing Levi could ever think of, and all he wanted to do was comfort him. It wasn’t his fault he hadn’t been there, but he still felt guilty anyway, wishing that Erwin hadn’t had to deal with this by himself. He wanted to tell him anything he could to make it better, to give him a hug or just hold his hand like he’d done when one of them would get upset before. It was because he loved him; it was only natural, but the urge was so strong he almost couldn’t ignore it. 

Swallowing hard, he washed his hands and left the bathroom before he even knew what he was doing, padding down the hallway and stopping in front of Erwin’s cracked bedroom door. He could hear him snoring lightly inside now if he stood still, and after biting his lip and pausing a moment, he grabbed the handle and pushed it open silently. It swung in and revealed the sight of Erwin in bed, lying on his stomach with the blankets resting just underneath his shoulders. His face was in a pillow and although he was sound asleep, seemingly content and comfortable, his mattress was huge and he looked alone in the empty bed. 

The sight was too much; Levi was only human, and it was where he wanted to be. He knew it was where  _ Erwin  _ wanted him to be too, and the idea of him there by himself and unhappy broke Levi’s heart. He couldn’t stay there though and he wasn’t going to, but if he reached out this one night, just did something small and innocent, would it really hurt that much? He didn’t think so, but he wanted and needed it too - badly in that moment - and so whatever thoughts he might have about any potential consequences went out the window, and after letting out the breath he’d been holding, Levi stepped into Erwin’s room. 

He pulled his sweater over his head, taking off his pants next because he wasn’t about to sleep in his jeans for the rest of the night, and then tiptoed silently over to the bed, pausing just one more moment to take in Erwin's face. His eyes were closed and his expression was lax in sleep, the moonlight from the window above glinting off the lines of his cheekbones perfectly. He was the most beautiful thing Levi had ever seen - now, and before when they'd been 24, 19, teenagers, and children too - and he always would be, and so after blinking back a sudden rush of unexpected tears, Levi climbed into bed with him. 

He pulled the covers back and slid under them as gently as he could, but no sooner had the mattress shifted than Erwin was waking up, of course, his eyes cracking open as he lifted his head to see what had dragged him out of sleep. When he caught sight of Levi he sat up abruptly onto one elbow, his expression halfway stuck between mild confusion and alarm. 

“Levi? What are you doing? Is something wrong?” He mumbled, his voice raspy with sleep. 

He reached for him, Levi saw, but stopped before his fingers touched his skin, and so Levi took matters into his own hands and placed his palm against Erwin's shoulder, pushing him down gently until he was lying on his back. He watched him, seemingly freezing at his touch, and didn't move, not even when Levi laid down beside him and pillowed his head on his chest. 

“No.” He said quietly, ignoring how much his ears were burning. “Just go back to sleep, Erwin.”

Erwin didn't say anything at that, and as Levi threw his arm over his middle, pressing himself right up against Erwin's side as close as he could get, he feared he might protest. He hadn't really thought this through much less know what he'd do if Erwin did, but thankfully after a moment he seemed to understand, shifting underneath him the tiniest bit to get comfortable. He swallowed thickly - Levi heard him - and let out a shaky breath, and then hesitantly curled his arm around Levi’s shoulders. When he didn't move away from it Erwin then moved more confidently, placing his other hand on Levi's back, his fingers digging into the cotton of Levi's undershirt tightly. 

He held him like that, tightening his arms around him when his embrace just caused Levi to press his face closer into Erwin's chest, and then didn't move, presumably closing his eyes to go back to sleep like Levi had told him to. He did the same but didn’t drift off right away, because it was hard when Erwin wasn’t wearing a shirt, and when his bare skin was warm and musky, his bulk torturously solid and thick beneath him too. It threatened to affect him below the waist, but thankfully, more than his physical desire, Levi was able to focus on just how comforting this was. 

It was the safest and most content he’d felt in a long, long time, he thought, as the feeling of being wrapped up snug in Erwin’s big arms brought back dozens of happy memories. It was so soothing that he managed to not even linger on anything more gloomy, and instead just enjoyed it, forgetting about everything else for a moment and almost unconsciously snuggling closer when he thought about it. 

Erwin was breathing evenly by then and Levi suspected he was fully asleep, but after a moment, when Levi was in the hazy, muted consciousness that came before sleep, he swore he felt Erwin shift to press a kiss to the top of his hair, but drifted off before he could discern whether it was real or if it had just been a dream. Either way, he slept soundly and didn't wake up once, not until a loud, piercing  _ ringing _ sound crept it's way into his thoughts and caused him to shift into consciousness. 

He made a disgruntled noise and moved a bit - what the fuck was that? an alarm? - until he realized there was another body next to him this time, his eyes flying open when he immediately remembered where he was and just  _ who  _ he was with. He lifted his head, his heart suddenly hammering in his chest, and found himself face to face with Erwin's stare, his own gaze wide and alert like he'd already been awake. Other than that they were still in the same position they’d fallen asleep in, wrapped around each other with Erwin’s arms holding Levi close, their grip so comfortable and warm and right that Levi did not want to move. 

Still, though, he did, jerking away and moving to get out of the bed, because what the fuck had he done? Why had he thought this was a good idea? Why had he worried about awkwardness if he’d done something while drunk and then cuddled with Erwin while half-dressed? What kind of idiot was he, he wondered, but then remembered the pills he’d found in Erwin’s medicine cabinet, just as he felt fingers close around his wrist to stop him from climbing out of bed. 

“Levi, wait.” Erwin said, sitting up now and leaning in his direction with his arm outstretched.

“Sorry, I’m...shit-” Levi swore, his voice hinged with a bit of panic as if he might have still been aiming to jump out of bed. 

He wasn’t, though, he’d stopped at Erwin’s words and gone still at his touch, but wasn’t quite sure of what to say. He’d felt so sure of his actions last night but now he felt flustered, as waking up in bed with Erwin’s arms wrapped around him was almost like getting a shock to the heart. 

“It’s alright.” Erwin said though, his expression soft. 

His words were too, and Levi swallowed, tried not to stare at Erwin’s broad, bare chest and the blonde hair that dusted across it, trailing downward to disappear into the top of the pajama pants he was wearing. His gaze lowered in that direction before he could help it though, lingering for only a half second before he closed his eyes and looked away. He took a deep breath - willing himself to forget  _ that  _ enticing image, because the last thing he needed right then was a fucking hard-on - and then bit his lip, only looking back when he felt Erwin’s fingers slip off his wrist. 

“No, I shouldn’t have come in here.” Levi said, now firmly staring at where Erwin’s hand had come to rest against the sheets between them. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“Were you still drunk?” Erwin asked. 

“No. What time is it?”

“7:30.” Erwin said at that, to which Levi paused.

That relieved him a bit - his flight wasn’t for a few more hours so he wouldn’t have to rush to make it - but he still wasn’t sure what to say or do. Erwin seemed fine with him being there, as he’d told him it was alright and Levi didn’t sense any signs that he was bothered, but he’d let go of his wrist, presumably to let him leave if he wanted. He probably should, he thought, but he didn’t necessarily want to, because now that he’d calmed down a bit he just remembered how nice it had been to lie next to him again. 

“How long were you awake for?” He said at that thought, wondering if Erwin had felt so too. 

“About an hour.” He answered. 

That confirmed it, but Levi had probably been stupid to assume otherwise. 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” He asked instead of saying anything else, though, despite the fact that he already knew the answer to that question too.

They both did, but Erwin still paused after he finished speaking. Levi glanced up at him, finally meeting his eyes again, and for a moment Levi wondered if he was going to give him some bullshit answer, or just change the subject like he'd done a few times the day before. Then, though, something seemed to pass between them Levi thought, some sort of understanding that there was perhaps no point in hiding it from each other now that Levi had crawled into bed with him and woken up in Erwin's arms, and so after holding his mouth open for a moment, he spoke. 

“It was nice holding you again.” He murmured, the words causing renewed heat to flare up in Levi's cheeks again. 

His heart skipped a beat too and he nodded in agreement, averting his eyes because for once, Erwin’s face was not blank. There was emotion there - warmth and affection and longing - and although Levi felt every ounce of it himself too, it made him feel guilty again for the damned cuddling.

“Yeah.” He still said though, recalling once more that he’d done it because of what he’d found in the bathroom, because he couldn’t stop caring and hated the thought of Erwin needing comfort. That didn’t make it alright for him to give Erwin false hope, but even if he didn’t seem to think that, Levi began to suspect that he should probably explain himself anyway. “Erwin, I found your antidepressants. In the bathroom.”

“Is that why you came in here?” Erwin asked, of course, because apparently after all these years he could still read Levi like a book.

His first reaction was to scowl a bit from embarrassment, growing flustered before he nodded because yes, that was exactly why he’d come in there, as the thought of Erwin suffering alone had been too much for him to bear. 

“You don’t have to worry about me Levi, I’m fine.” Erwin said though in a blank tone, his words sounding so automatic that it made Levi cringe.

“Bullshit.” He blurted, suddenly feeling frustrated. Everything was getting to him, he thought, all the yearning and hurt and the problems they had. He felt like he’d been on an emotional rollercoaster since yesterday afternoon, as even though he’d had a good time with Erwin, it had reawakened too much, made him feel like that helpless 19 year old boy again who’d had his heart torn into pieces. He couldn’t stand it, and even if he couldn’t change things, he wasn’t sure that he could continue to keep it all inside anymore. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How could I tell you? We weren’t together. That was my fault, yes, but what was I supposed to do? I thought you didn’t want to speak to me at the best of times, and at the worst, that you hated me. Either way, it isn’t your burden, its-”

“No, Erwin!” Levi blurted, shaking his head because Erwin just wasn’t fucking getting it, and at that point, it was just hurting him even more to think that Erwin would assume he didn’t care. “I…that letter you wrote...all that shit you said, I feel the same way. I still fucking care about you and I can’t stop, and if you’re unhappy, I’m...I can’t make myself not care, it doesn’t matter what happened, I don’t...-” 

Levi cut himself off at that, finding himself stuttering and struggling to express what he meant because suddenly, he felt overwhelmed with emotion. It bubbled up strongly inside his chest and made his thoughts race, his heart pounding so quickly too that he almost felt dizzy. He fought with continuing, wanting to say everything he felt but knowing that he probably shouldn’t, knowing that he probably shouldn’t have even said what had just come out of his mouth in the first place. He couldn’t hold it back though because he wanted Erwin to understand, to at least realize that Levi didn’t hate him so that maybe, it was one less thing he had to struggle with. 

For some reason, though, he felt a bit relieved at having said that too, as keeping it inside - especially when in his mind, it had seemed obvious anyway that there was still something there between them the past few days - had been frustrating and stupid. He managed to relax a bit after his outburst while a momentary, thick silence stretched out between them, finding himself also thinking that, deep down, he almost hoped that since he’d admitted all of this Erwin might be able to come up with some solution to the problems that plagued them both. 

It was wishful thinking, but it had distracted him so much that he hadn’t even realized he’d grabbed Erwin’s hand, not until the moment when he felt Erwin’s fingers lacing between his own and squeezing. He widened his eyes and glanced over - he’d been staring hard at the wall, his gaze almost a glare from the intensity with which he’d spoken - to see where they were touching again, his first thought somewhere along the lines of how easy it would be to slide his palm up Erwin’s arm, to lean over and kiss him and throw everything out the window just so he could be in Erwin’s embrace again. His second was that he couldn’t do that regardless of what he’d just said, and so he closed his eyes, swallowing the images down before he opened them again and looked up at Erwin’s face. 

Levi wasn’t sure what expression he’d been expecting him to wear, but a smile was not what he would have guessed. That was what he found though, a wide, grateful one on Erwin’s features. It brightened his blue eyes in the morning light and caused Levi to practically gape at him, his brows drawing down in confusion at how he looked so fucking happy when all  _ he  _ wanted to do was cry. 

“You don’t have to do anything, Levi.” Erwin said, gently. “It’s not your fault.”

“But I want to. I can’t, but I want,  _ fuck _ ...I-” Levi murmured. 

His voice sounded raw even to his own ears, and his chest felt so tight that it was almost painful. He stopped at that, though, because there was no point in saying it, no point in finishing his sentence and telling Erwin that he wanted him. He couldn’t have him because he couldn’t stay there, and Erwin wasn’t going to come to him either, so by going on and continuing he was just going to make everything all the more painful for them both. 

“I know.” Erwin said though, his voice dropping an octave down into something more morose. “I do too.”

“Then what should we do?” Levi asked, because even though they were speaking vaguely, they both knew what they were talking about: their relationship. 

They both knew how the other felt now - how they felt  _ still  _ \- and understood the implications, but they also knew that they were still going to remain separated. Levi hadn’t said as much in great detail but he knew Erwin got it, he’d made it clear in his letter that he wasn’t going to interfere with Levi’s life and ask him to leave it. Still, though, Levi couldn't help but ask, wondering if there wasn't  _ something _ they could do that he hadn't thought of. Erwin had always had all the answers when they'd been younger; perhaps, Levi thought, he'd have some idea now. He hoped he would, but while  _ he'd _ always been the hopeful one - something that he couldn't help, even if it had gotten him hurt more than once - Erwin was more practical, and in the end, Levi wasn't surprised when Erwin's smile turned more mournful and his face fell. 

“I don't know, Levi.” He said, his thumb rubbing soothing circle over his palm. “There's long distance, but-”

Levi grimaced at that and looked down, the expression of dislike on his face strong enough to cause Erwin to interrupt himself, apparently. 

“Yes, I didn't think you'd like that idea.” He said, chuckling sadly. 

It made Levi feel bad, as he hadn't meant to dissuade him from whatever he was saying, but that just wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't enough, he thought, not when he wanted all of Erwin, every single part of him in his life all the time. It wouldn't be the same if he didn't - not after what they'd had before - but, he supposed, would it hurt to try? He wasn't sure, as he felt badly about the chances of it working out if they did so. If he gave it a shot he risked getting his heart broken in two all over again, and quite frankly, he wasn't sure if he wanted to live the rest of his life in a vicious circle of getting re-attached to Erwin and then losing him again. The thought made him feel like shit, but still, would it be worth the risk if it did work out? 

“I dunno, Erwin. Maybe.” He said though, because regardless of anything it wasn't a decision he could make today. “Maybe not. I gotta get dressed.”

Sounding dejected, Levi pulled his hand free of Erwin's fingers, sliding off the bed and going for his clothes. Their conversation had been emotionally heavy and had taken its toll on him, and although he wasn't irritated at Erwin by any means, he wasn't any less frustrated than he'd been before. It was because there weren't any answers that he liked and he just couldn't get rid of his feelings, and after a conversation that had only served to make him feel lonely and more confused than ever, he didn't want to talk about it anymore. 

Erwin seemed to understand, and gave him some space while he went to the bathroom to get dressed. Even when he came out he didn’t say much, just offered him some of what he had for breakfast - fruit, cereal, and coffee - and then asked if he could walk Levi back to his hotel. Levi said yes because he actually didn’t have any idea how to get back there without Erwin anyway, and held his jacket in his arms as they left his apartment. 

They made their way quietly down the streets, walking beside each other in what was a companionable silence. It wasn’t tense but it was a bit melancholy, as everything that they’d talked about had seemingly gotten to Erwin too. It was either that or he didn’t want him to leave - something that Levi could relate to, as despite everything, he didn’t want to part from Erwin again. He knew he had to but he missed him already, wishing that he didn’t have to go as spending even just one day with him had brought back every ounce of attachment he’d had for Erwin since he’d been a fucking kid. 

“Levi.” Erwin said when they reached his hotel, interrupting his morose thoughts and stopping him right in front of it. “I’m sorry your visit turned out like this. It wasn’t my intention. No matter how I feel, I just wanted to catch up with you. I didn’t know it would cause this, and-”

“It doesn’t matter, Erwin.” Levi said, shaking his head. 

Hearing Erwin apologize was the last thing he wanted right then, because this time it wasn’t his fault. It was Levi’s. He’d acted like an idiot and his actions had led to what they’d discussed, but he didn’t regret it either. It made his heart ache but it was probably inevitable anyway, as he couldn’t seem to shake his emotions, and with Erwin feeling the same way, it was perhaps a miracle that just talking about it was actually all they’d done. That train of thought caused Levi to remember something though, something that made a brief flash of panic go through his gut as he recalled how fucking drunk he’d been the night before. 

“Uh.” He started, biting his lip and glancing away from Erwin. He stared at the wall of his hotel for a second but then looked back at him, his ears feeling a little warm at what he was about to ask. “I didn’t say anything when I was drunk, right? Or do anything shitty or stupid,  _ right? _ ”

At his question, Erwin laughed, a light chuckle that ended in a small, fond smile. For a moment Levi was afraid that he was going to say yes and that was why he was amused, but as it turned out, Erwin must have been just thinking about how he’d stumbled around helplessly in general and slurred his speech. 

“No. You didn’t.” He said, the tone of his voice sounding forlorn, despite his smile. “You tripped over your own foot and cursed out a parking meter, but that was it.”

“For fuck’s sake.” Levi mumbled at that, the blush on his ears spreading down over his cheeks, embarrassment at how he’d let himself get so far gone like that causing him to cross his arms and look away again.

It wasn’t for long, though, because he knew what came next: goodbye. It was time for him to go, as he needed to get inside and get packed if he wanted to make his flight. He also would like to take a damn shower as it had been over a day, and he was starting to feel gross. If he was going to have time he needed to go now, but he found it to be harder than he’d anticipated, biting his lip and working up the courage he needed to just end their conversation so he could get a move on. 

“Well.” Erwin said before he could though, taking the initiative. “Thank you for coming. It was nice seeing you again, Levi. I’ll miss you, and I-”

Before Erwin could continue, Levi interrupted him by suddenly stepping forward, wrapping his arms around his middle, and pressing his face into his chest in what turned out to be a tight hug. It had happened before he’d even known what he was doing, but he couldn’t help it - Erwin telling him he was going to miss him had caused whatever self-control he’d had to snap, his heart taking over somehow and dictating his actions rather than his damned brain. 

Immediately, of course, Erwin returned the hug, after just a second of brief surprise where he stared down at him before embracing Levi’s shoulders. He held him tightly and they just stayed there like that for what must have been an entire minute, until Levi realized they’d exceeded the bounds of a simple friendly hug by a longshot. He pulled away then and stared at the ground, swallowing thickly and shoving his fists into his pockets before he spoke. 

“Bye, Erwin.” He said, turning around quickly then, not even waiting for Erwin to say goodbye back because he wasn’t sure if he could stand to hear it.

He felt like he was leaving him for good all over again, like he had when Erwin had first broken up with him before he’d gone to his house and they’d promised to ‘try’ and be friends. At the time he’d been upset and anxious, unsure of what to do and scared at the prospect of being alone. Now, even if he was stronger and had put his life and his emotions back together - and knew, unfortunately, that he didn’t have any other choice but to leave - it still hurt and made him feel powerless, enough to cause him to have to bite back tears as he reached his building. 

Walking up the stairs, he approached the front door with his hand outstretched, intending to pull it open and stalk inside without looking back in Erwin’s direction. Naturally, though, he wasn’t able to do that, his stupid, aching heart causing him to stop for a moment with his fingers gripping the door handle, turning after a second to look at where he’d left Erwin standing by himself on the sidewalk. 

What he expected to see was Erwin either already gone, or if he wasn’t, watching him with a blank look or an attempted reassuring smile. What he didn’t think he’d see, however, was Erwin looking stricken, his face wearing an expression that could only be described as pained, or distraught as he watched Levi at the door of his hotel. The intensity of it was unlike anything Levi had seen on his face in a long time - perhaps ever - and Erwin’s parted lips and tightly furrowed, twisted brow took him so off guard that he found himself frozen in place. 

He appeared like he’d been punched in the gut or something, Levi thought, the notion making him realize that Erwin’s face looked exactly how he felt: helpless, crestfallen, and hating the situation they were in. He wasn’t surprised that Erwin would echo his sentiments, but he hadn’t been this revealing the entire time he’d been visiting. It was so strong that for a moment, Levi wondered if he was going to follow him or say something, or wave him back to tell him not to go. Of course, though, that didn’t happen, as a second later and Erwin steeled his features, and someone exiting the other side of the door startled Levi out of his near trance.

He looked away to make sure he wasn’t about to be bumped into, and by the time he’d moved out of the person’s way and glanced in Erwin’s direction again, he’d gone, his spot on the sidewalk empty. Frowning and feeling dismal, Levi swallowed and averted his eyes toward the ground, taking a deep breath before he steeled himself again and walked inside his hotel. 

Somehow he managed to shower, get packed, and make it to the airport on time to catch his flight without rushing, and spent most of it trying - and failing - to sleep. He felt tired and still a little shitty from his hangover, but without much to occupy his time, he was unable to keep his mind off of Erwin. Every time he closed his eyes he remembered how it had felt to lie in his arms again, how safe, warm, and  _ right  _ it had been when Erwin held him. That went for the hug they’d shared before he’d departed too, but those thoughts inevitably led him to the look he’d glimpsed on Erwin’s face, and the hopeless, unresolved loneliness and pining that he couldn’t seem to get rid of. 

He’d be better in a few days, he tried to tell himself though, provided that he didn’t hear from Erwin or see anything that brought back his feelings in full force. He knew over time they would become dull again, deadened by a lack of contact and numbed by his own stubbornness. It was a sad thought, because loving Erwin made him feel happy. However, he couldn’t live his life this way, and that was why even if he’d said maybe, he didn’t think that he’d be able to agree to a long distance relationship no matter what. 

Perhaps he would sleep on it, he thought, and then decide, because by the time he got home he was exhausted, aching, and stressed from all the travel. He didn’t even have the energy to unpack his things, much less make a huge decision about his future, and instead just tossed his bag on the floor before pulling his clothing off. He first took a long, warm shower in the hopes that it might help him relax, and then, even though it was only 4:00 PM there now, he closed all the shades, tugged on his most comfortable pair of boxers, and crawled into his bed to go to sleep. 

Finally, he was able to get some decent rest, basically passing out once he closed his eyes and pulled the blankets around himself. He slept soundly, his mind thankfully dreamless, and didn’t wake up again until a loud, banging sound jarred him to wakefulness. He’d been out for so long and so deeply unconscious that at first he was confused, his head feeling foggy with sleep and his body slow to respond. 

Squinting into the darkness, he stirred, realizing as his thoughts gradually started to make sense that it was raining. No, he thought belatedly, it was storming, as a flash of lightning suddenly illuminated his dark room. A low rumbling peal of thunder followed it, and while yawning, Levi assumed that was the noise that had woken him up. 

Brushing it off, he rolled over, lifting his head to see what time it was. His clock read 4:30 AM, and although Levi had just slept for 12 hours, he was in no rush to get out of bed. He was comfortable and warm, and the rain pouring down outside was relaxing and quickly lulling him back to sleep - until he heard another loud sound again, anyway, and he jolted in shock so hard that he shot straight up into a sitting position on his mattress.

That time, it wasn’t so much the sound itself as what he’d realized it was: a knock on his door, sounding out loud and clear in the otherwise quiet, rainy night. 

_ What the fuck? _ He thought, kicking his blankets off and climbing out of bed. Who the hell was at his apartment at 4:30 in the fucking morning?

A bit wary, Levi first went and splashed his face with water quickly to try and wake himself up, throwing on a t-shirt at the last minute too before he padded into his living room. By then, whoever was outside had knocked again, and Levi growled out an irritated answer that he was coming just so that they would fucking stop. The water hadn’t done much to pull him out of his grogginess, and he was grumpy, but what - no,  _ who  _ \- he saw on the other side of his door shocked him into complete wakefulness from the moment he glanced out the tiny peephole. 

Suddenly, Levi found himself moving frantically, stepping back to tug at the chain of the safety lock, moving to unlatch the deadbolt as fast as he could too so that he could swing his door open. 

“Erwin?!” He exclaimed, confusion, concern, and surprise written all over his features as he took him in. If he wasn’t seeing him standing in front of his own eyes he’d honestly be concerned that this was some kind of a dream, but he was there, soaking wet and carrying only a small backpack in one hand. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

He didn’t answer; not right away. Instead, he blinked, staring at Levi with an expression that was almost one of awe, his lips parted and his eyes wide as their gazes met. Then, though, he closed his mouth and swallowed before speaking, the sound so loud and thick that Levi could swear he was able to hear it over the noise of the storm. 

“I left the university.”

“Yeah, no shit.” Levi said, huffing because to him, that much seemed obvious.

Just that morning Erwin had been halfway across the world, at his apartment near his school and preparing to start his job. That was where Levi had left him, but now Erwin was on his doorstep, standing in the rain and gazing at him like he could almost hardly believe it himself. He was dripping, Levi saw, completely soaked through, and it was the way his blonde hair was plastered to his forehead with water that finally made Levi stop gaping and spring into action. 

“Don’t just stand there, idiot, come inside.” He groused, reaching forward to tug Erwin in. 

He grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled, shutting the door once he’d entered his apartment and locking it behind them. Then, he went to get a towel from the linen closet before Erwin completely soaked his carpet, and returned with two of them in his hands to find Erwin standing right where he’d left him. He still looked a bit dazed, watching Levi with something akin to wonder, but it was when Levi went to wrap a towel around him that he finally broke out of it. Grabbing his wrist, he stopped him, opening his mouth to speak and then closing it again before he could. 

It was out of nerves, Levi realized, the thought making his own stomach flip in alarm. What the hell was going on? Had something happened?

“Erwin, why did you leave? Is something wrong?”

“I didn’t leave. I quit.”

“You quit? You mean your new job?

“Yes. I went to the airport after you'd left, but you were already gone. I bought a ticket for the next flight and-”

“Why?!”

“Because I-” He started, pausing like he was trying to steel himself before he continued. “Because I don’t want to live without you anymore, Levi.”

Erwin stiffened as he spoke, but his expression and his tone betrayed him, melting into something despairing as his voice cracked. Just that was enough to stop Levi right in his tracks even if his words didn’t, his face twisting into something that at first, was just surprise and confusion. What the  _ fuck  _ did Erwin just say? Had he heard him right?

“What?” He asked after a second, after he’d paused and actually stepped back out of shock, gaping at Erwin for a long moment where he swore his heart had stopped beating in his chest.  _ “What?” _

There was no way he’d just said what Levi had thought he’d heard, right? How could he have, when as far as Levi knew he’d had no intention of  _ not  _ starting his new job overseas? It had been what he’d wanted, what he’d worked so hard for in college, and even if he still loved Levi it had seemed clear that he wouldn’t be leaving all of that behind for him when they’d spoken that morning and failed to come up with a solution.

“I made a mistake.” Erwin continued. He spoke slowly, slumping back against the door as he did so, and looked down, dropping his backpack on the ground too. His expression flickered for a moment, going from the same stricken one Levi had seen him wear outside his hotel to just a deep, forlorn frown, his gaze meeting Levi’s again after he’d taken a moment to close his eyes and breath. “I made a mistake when I let you go. Not just today, but back then too. I was foolish, and stupid, and even after I realized what’d I’d done and written you that letter, I still didn’t understand. I didn’t get it, I-”

“Didn’t get what, Erwin?” Levi interrupted, from where he was still standing in front of him, clutching the towels in his hands with clenched fists. 

He couldn’t help it; Erwin was trying to explain but he was almost babbling, his words leaving Levi on pins and fucking needles because of what they potentially meant. It was clear he was upset by the way he was acting - still calm, but obviously distraught and struggling to express himself properly - but  _ why? _

“That I can’t be whole without you.” Erwin said, his words causing Levi to drop the towels.

“But-” He blurted in response, stopping at how his voice sounded raw and weak and when Erwin’s legs seemed to give out, trembling a bit before he slid down the door to rest against the ground. 

His eyes were shining with unshed tears too, Levi saw, and he could relate to the feeling, as he was  _ certainly  _ having trouble comprehending all of this too. It was jarring to hear, his heart filling with so much happiness and hope and relief that he almost felt breathless with it, but still, he was wary. He could barely believe it, and even if he felt the same way about Erwin, it didn’t make sense. How did he just come to this conclusion all of a sudden, so quickly that he just left his job behind on a whim to come back to him? It wasn’t like Erwin to make rash decisions like that, and it alarmed Levi, so much so that he was hesitant to believe this was really happening after everything else he’d fucking been through.

“But your job, Erwin. Your job at the university-” He mumbled, finding himself shaking his head, swallowing down the urge he had to just drop to the floor in front Erwin and crawl into his arms.

“It’s not important.” Erwin said, interrupting him and speaking slowly. “That’s what I’m trying to say. I’m sorry, it’s...it’s not what’s most important to me. You are, and as long as I can have you back that’s...that’s all that matters.”

At that, Levi’s throat grew tight, and the tears that had been threatening to appear finally welled up in his eyes. He clenched his fists and took a shuddering breath, staring not at Erwin, but at his feet, because he wanted so badly to give in, to throw himself at him and dive into his embrace where he knew he belonged, but there was just still one thing he didn’t understand, and he knew if he saw the reflecting emotion and yearning in Erwin’s eyes he wouldn’t be able to stop himself long enough to ask. 

“Why now?” He forced himself to say, remembering, through all of his almost suffocating thoughts about how much he’d missed Erwin and the love he had for him too, that while they’d been apart he had suffered. “Why, after all this fucking time, Erwin, are you telling me this now? What made you do this? Why didn’t you decide all this shit sooner?!” 

Levi had not meant to sound angry, and truthfully, he wasn’t. He was just overwhelmed, emotional and still stunned, and distraught at the idea that even after all of this, depending on what Erwin said in response to his question, he could still end up being crushed all over again. He couldn’t fathom what he was going to say, but whatever the reason was, Erwin seemed to be having trouble putting it into words too. He opened his mouth, closed it again, stared at the floor with wide eyes and lifted brows before he finally managed to started speaking.

“Levi, after you walked away this morning...it made me realize that if I let you go I might lose you forever.” He said, his voice shaky. “I didn’t understand that until then, but I couldn’t bear the thought, and I’m ashamed at how I took you for granted before. Even after I confessed my mistakes I still acted foolish and selfish, and….and, well, it seems that I can’t stop acting that way even now. I don’t deserve one ounce of your forgiveness for how I treated you, but I had to tell you, I didn’t want to waste anymore time like I’d done before if there was any chance that you might take me back. Levi, I’m sorry, I-”

“Erwin.” Levi interrupted, unable to keep himself off his knees any longer. He’d almost heard enough, he thought,  _ almost _ , and if Erwin could just tell him one more thing - that he’d come back for good - then he would truly believe that everything could be okay again. Leaning forward, he ducked between Erwin’s legs almost desperately and grabbed at his shirt, digging his fingers into the wet cloth before he clutched his neck, his shoulder, his cheek, anything that he could reach to get Erwin to look at him so he’d just fucking say it. “Are you going to stay? Just tell me you’re going to fucking stay-”

“Yes, Levi, I’ll stay if you’ll have me. I love you so much, I don’t want to live without you, I-”

Levi did not let Erwin finish his sentence. Instead, he cut him off by practically throwing himself forward to kiss him, slinging one hand around his neck and using the other to haul him forward. Their lips met messily and Erwin seemed to immediately sag in relief, exhaling into Levi’s mouth when he parted his lips, winding his own arms around his waist to hold him as tightly against his chest as he could. 

They spent the next minute like that, just frantically, desperately kissing on the ground against Levi’s door, their hands wandering after a moment, touching, groping, or grabbing whatever part of the other’s body they could reach. It was almost as if they couldn’t stop, couldn’t press close enough or get an adequate amount of one another’s taste, their lips and tongues and mouths sliding together with a hungry ferocity that almost made Levi dizzy. The emotions that had been building up inside them for the past 10 minutes were completely driving them by then, he’d realize later, causing Levi to wind his fingers in Erwin’s hair and steal the breath from his lungs, smelling the scent he’d missed so much, keeping himself pushed as tight up against him as he could so that he could enjoy the way it felt to have Erwin’s arms around him again. 

_ Fuck _ , he thought, he’d missed him so much - he’d missed  _ this  _ so much and could barely keep himself from becoming overwhelmed - and because Erwin was responding in kind, it wasn’t until Levi cupped his jaw and brushed his thumb over Erwin’s cheek that he finally pulled away with a small gasp. It was because Erwin’s face was wet, he realized, and although the rest of him was still completely soaked and damp too because of the rain, it wasn’t water. It was from tears, and when Levi jerked away to look at him, he saw that they’d finally leaked from the corners of his eyes all the way down to his chin.

“Erwin-” He stuttered, his tone thick with concern as he reached up automatically, brushing the wetness from both of Erwin's cheeks with his palms. 

For a brief second he was worried that something was wrong, that Erwin was about to come out and say something else that would ruin everything, but he didn’t. Instead, he smiled, a watery expression with the way his eyes were still rimmed with liquid, but a smile nonetheless, one that brightened his entire face and caused Levi’s lips to hesitantly curve up into the tiniest one too. 

“I was afraid.” He confessed, his hands warm on Levi's waist now, their grip tight like he didn't want to let go. “I was afraid you hated me, or wouldn’t forgive me.”

“I already told you I didn’t, Erwin, I couldn’t hate you even if I wanted to, and I forgave you for all that shit a long time ago. It doesn’t matter, not anymore.” Levi told him, because it was true. 

In his mind, Erwin had made mistakes, yes, or perhaps could have handled things better, but he wasn’t completely guilt-free either. He’d come to terms with their break-up because in the end, Erwin had wanted to go to college. No matter how he’d felt it wouldn’t have been right to hold him back from that, and just because Erwin hadn’t realized what truly made him happy yet - well, what was the point in holding it against him when he’d admitted his mistakes now? He hadn’t been foolish then, he’d just been young, and Levi was old enough now to understand that sometimes, when one was trying to find their place in the world...well, shit happened.

Regardless, Levi didn’t want to focus on that now, not when Erwin had come back to him and things could finally be right again. It was still sinking in, he thought, wrapping his arms around Erwin’s neck to give him another tight hug, feeling a swell of happiness go through him that was so strong it brought tears to his eyes too. He couldn’t believe it; he’d never imagined this would have happened, because as far as he’d known neither one of them had been willing - or able - to give up their careers at this point. 

It was like he’d thought at Mike’s wedding after Erwin had kissed him, that they’d been in different places and couldn’t work things out until that changed. That had still been the case that morning, but apparently, Erwin had realized that the place he was in was wrong, or that he didn’t want to be there anymore. Levi felt that way too because of his absence, but Erwin had been the one to leave, and, although he’d only just now understood it,  _ Erwin  _ had to be the one to come back to make it right again. Otherwise, Levi thought, he wasn’t sure he’d ever believe that he wouldn’t get hurt again, that he wasn’t throwing his life away for someone who might not be completely devoted to him. It wouldn’t have been fair, or equal, and it was why he just couldn’t get the thought of a long distance relationship to sit right.

Thankfully, though, none of that mattered because Erwin had fixed it himself, and had come back to him. He was there right now, sitting on Levi’s carpet after flying halfway across the world on what was basically a sudden decision, and because Levi knew him, because he knew that Erwin didn’t do things like this unless he meant them, he believed that he was telling the truth, and that he’d finally, truly wanted to restore their relationship again. 

At that thought, Levi felt almost overcome with emotion all over again, adjusting himself in Erwin’s arms so that he was cupping his cheeks, leaning forward too so that he could press their lips together in another warm kiss. This time it was slower than before, more unhurried and steady, the both of them apparently just content to enjoy the other’s presence and how they fit together again. It was no wonder either, after 6 years of not touching each other at all - minus one single kiss, of course, that hadn’t meant anything - that they couldn’t seem to part, couldn’t seem to let go of each other after they’d both longed for it for so long. 

He’d missed it, missed Erwin holding him close and kissing him until he was breathless, and he missed a whole host of other things, too, things that it was only a matter of time before he started thinking about again. He wanted Erwin - no, he thought, he  _ needed  _ him - right fucking now, because once everything had fully sunk in and he realized how hard his dick was, he couldn’t stand to not be as close as possible to him for another single second. 

“Erwin.” He said at that, pulling away breathless from all their kissing. “Let’s go to bed.” 

That was all he needed to say, apparently, before Erwin was shifting and they were extricating themselves from each other’s embrace, scrambling to their feet and making a beeline for the bedroom. Levi grabbed Erwin’s hand and pulled him along, leading him there with their fingers interlocked tightly, somehow managing to keep his focus until they were a foot away from his mattress and he couldn’t stand to not be touching Erwin anymore. Turning around, he stopped walking and instead reached for his shoulders, sliding his arms over his chest and up to his neck, practically vaulting up onto his tiptoes so that he could kiss him again. 

Erwin caught him easily, and after that, everything was a heated marathon for something else, something that they both knew they could only do properly without any of their fucking clothes on. Levi took the initiative first and went for Erwin’s shirt, shoving it up and over his chest until Erwin got the hint and pulled it over his head. They had to break apart for him to do so, and although Levi  _ wanted  _ to kiss Erwin again and had intended on it, he didn’t make it even one step before he found himself distracted. 

It was because of Erwin’s chest, now bare and beautiful right in front of his face, and this time, even if he’d seen it that morning, he could stare as much as he wanted and actually fucking touch it. He didn’t waste any time in doing so, placing both his palms on Erwin’s stomach first, staring at how his muscles contracted just slightly in response to the touch and how they almost seemed to ripple underneath his fingers. He trailed them upward, feeling his warm skin and tracing lines through the soft blonde hairs that grew there now, and suddenly, Levi felt a brief flicker of nerves. 

It was because it had been a long time since he’d done this, he thought, and Erwin had grown. The last time he’d seen and touched him like this he’d been at the end of his teenaged years, but now he was a man - they both were - and although it was an observation he’d made at Mike’s wedding, seeing him then when he was wearing a tux and now when he was half dressed and at his disposal were two different things, and while taking in his broad shoulders, trim waist, and prominent hip bones that were sticking out of his pants, Levi felt briefly like a 16 year old virgin again. 

The feeling didn’t last long, though, because no sooner had Levi fixed his eyes on the line of Erwin’s cock bulging out from underneath his pants then he was going for his belt buckle with gusto, licking his lips and feeling a sharp lance of excited heat shoot through his belly at the sight. He remembered what it looked like, of course, thick and long and always so hot and heavy in his palm, and he couldn’t help but want to touch it again. His fingers fumbled with the zipper while Erwin - who had graciously allowed him to look for a moment - bent to kiss his neck, causing Levi to pause and close his eyes, biting his lip and tilting his head back when he felt Erwin’s warm lips mouthing at his skin. 

He shuddered and let out a tiny sound, and found himself pushed backward towards the bed before he could get Erwin’s pants undone, guided there by Erwin himself who’d placed his hands on his hips and started nibbling underneath his jaw. 

“Erwin-” Levi gasped, already feeling overwhelmed from how he was touching him so heatedly, his big hands slipping underneath Levi’s shirt and inside of his boxers to tease at his waist and backside. 

It made him want more, and he pulled Erwin down over him when the reached the bed, even as Erwin gently nudged him back onto it. There, Levi found himself lying beneath him, with Erwin’s mouth over his again, kissing him hungrily and swallowing the low moan that came from his throat when he arched up against him. The movement allowed him to feel all of Erwin’s bulk, his weight pressing him down into the mattress heavily, and the warmth from his body, and although he’d felt like he’d been somewhat in control of himself and his patience when this had started, by then, most of that had gone out the window. 

Squirming, he reached for Erwin’s pants once more, breathing heavily when the kiss broke and he again found himself deterred, this time when Erwin pulled his wrists away so that he could grab at  _ his  _ clothing instead. He slipped his hands under Levi’s shirt and pushed, sliding it up all the way until it was under his chin. Levi practically writhed his way out of it, his eyes widening a bit as soon as he did because Erwin was tugging his boxers off. He was staring at his cock too, his eyes roving over him in the same way that Levi had done to him, and even though Erwin had managed to stay composed, Levi found himself flushing. 

It was because Erwin’s gaze was heated and intense, focused and with enough promise to make him almost shiver with anticipation, but with a fondness behind his expression too that Levi felt when he bent to kiss at his stomach gently. 

“You look so beautiful.” He murmured, rubbing his face against Levi’s skin. “The last time I saw you like this, you-”

“You should fucking talk.” Levi blurted, interrupting him because he knew what Erwin was about to say: that he’d grown up, that although they’d both found each other more than attractive when they’d been younger, now they had filled out in ways that they’d only been able to imagine before.

At his comment, Erwin laughed, continuing to press his lips all over the skin of Levi’s stomach, sides, and hips while his hands roved over the tops of his thighs too. He didn’t seem to be in any hurry to stop, and while Levi was torn because he did want to enjoy this,  _ did  _ find himself gazing down at where Erwin’s head was so close to his cock - it reminded him of the first time they’d ever tried to do this, if he was being honest - he just felt so needy, worked up, and desperate after so long of only dreaming of this that he couldn’t wait any longer. They’d have more time for shit like blowjobs later, he reasoned to himself, biting his lip and whining impatiently as he managed to squirm away from Erwin’s grip, just enough to twist his upper body around and reach for his bedside table drawer.

He jerked it open so hard that the entire thing nearly fell over, thrusting his hand inside and fumbling around for what he was looking for: a bottle of lube. He had one somewhere, he knew, although it was probably half empty, and he cursed once for letting this drawer get so goddamn  _ unorganized  _ while digging through a bunch of shitty junk until finally, he found it. His fingers closed around the tube and he pulled it out, preparing to roll back over and shove it into Erwin’s hand as quickly as he fucking could. 

Before he even managed to shift on the bed, however, he found himself frozen and gasping, because Erwin had taken advantage of his twisted position, putting his hands on his ass and kissing at his back, sliding a finger in between his cheeks to tease at his entrance. Just that small touch was enough to make his legs tremble, and he bit his lip, huffing between his teeth as thankfully, Erwin’s hand found his own and grabbed the lube himself.

Levi heard the bottle pop open and then there was a wet finger sliding between his cheeks, the tip of it pushing inside, probing him as gently as possible to test the resistance. There wasn’t any, though, not even for Erwin’s thick finger, and as Levi exhaled noisily at the pleasurable sensation, Erwin sank it in all the way to the knuckle, slipping it in and out a few times before he began to add a second, and then a third after a few more minutes of that once Levi became loose enough for it. 

By then he was halfway to being a sweaty, shaking mess, moaning into the bed and clenching around Erwin’s fingers, savoring the way they stretched him and caused heat to pool in his belly, wanting more than that even as he rolled his hips back and forth to meet the strokes of Erwin’s hand. It felt so good, he thought, so  _ satisfying _ , but he wanted to be filled completely, to have Erwin’s cock inside of him again so that he could finally, truly feel the connection he’d once shared with him as intimately as possible.

Just the thought of it was enough to make him whimper, a familiar tightness starting to build in his thighs as Erwin’s fingers grazed across his prostate. He could come like this, he knew, if Erwin didn’t stop, but he didn’t want that, not yet, and so he managed to shift a bit so that he could look at Erwin over his shoulder, finding him watching Levi and looking so red-faced and half undone himself that it was hard for him to believe he hadn’t been touched yet. 

“Levi.” He said when their eyes met, his gaze trailing down to where his fingers were buried inside his ass and back up again. “You’re so tight. Are you sure you can-”

_ “Yeah,  _ Erwin. _ ” _ Levi answered before he could finished, the words that came out of his mouth sounding more like a pleading moan than anything else. 

Again he was reminded of the first time they’d tried to do this, when they’d been 16 and inexperienced, a bit foolish too, perhaps, at how they’d assumed it would be simple. It wasn’t, but he’d been so nervous then that he remembered feeling like he was going to puke, which certainly hadn’t helped even though Erwin had been exceedingly careful and gentle with him. That’s how he was treating him now, and although it was nice, Levi knew he would be fine this time. It wasn’t his first rodeo even if it had been a while, so to speak, and he was more than ready, and regardless of anything else, he trusted Erwin not to hurt him.

“Erwin, please.” He said with that thought, attempting to reach for his hand even as Erwin finally,  _ blessedly  _ removed his fingers and started to undo his pants. “Fuck me, I need you, I-”

“I know, Levi, it’s-” Erwin started, interrupting him only to cut himself off a moment later. 

He paused what he was doing with clothing and glanced back up at him, swallowing and taking Levi in again from where he was sprawled out on the bed before him. It was like he was seeing him for the first time - well, the second first time, he supposed - all over again, his eyes bright and his face loaded with emotion. 

“Turn over.” He said a moment later, after a brief second where Levi thought he was going to get choked up again. He didn’t, though, and instead murmured the request quietly while he finished slipping his pants down over his backside. “I want to see you. Tell me if it’s too much.”

Levi nodded, rolling over onto his back as fast as he could. His heart pounded and he was filled with warmth and affection at Erwin’s request, feeling enough love and happiness for him and everything else that it was all he could do to reach for him when he finally leaned forward. He’d slicked himself up and positioned himself between Levi’s legs, leaning down for a kiss first before the both of them adjusted together and he was able to start pressing in. 

After that, there were no more words, just the sounds of their breathing - harsh and quick - and of Levi’s moans - low and tinged with gasps that were echoed by Erwin’s own deep groans. They didn’t need to speak, didn’t  _ want  _ to utter anything that might distract themselves from each other, and as Erwin sank in deeper, thrusting minutely with his hips while Levi urged him on with his too, all he could do anyway was clutch at him with his arms and legs and hold on. 

He’d wrapped his limbs around Erwin’s shoulders and waist, squeezing him tightly, pulling him down as they finally found a steady, slick rhythm once Erwin was fully seated. It was easy, Levi thought, like they’d never stopped doing this in the first place, seamlessly matching each other’s movements as Erwin thrusted and Levi rolled his hips up to meet him. He gasped, dug his fingers into his skin, shuddering with pleasure from the friction of Erwin’s cock sliding in and out of him. 

It felt so good that it drowned out any uncomfortable stretch he might have felt,  allowing him to adjust quickly and start losing his head before he even knew it.  It wasn’t surprising, not with how long it had been, and it seemed that Erwin wasn’t faring much better either, as after just a few moments, he was already starting to go faster and thrust more desperately. 

“Erwin.” Levi gasped, sliding his hands across his back, over his shoulders and up his neck so that he could cup his cheeks. 

He tugged him down for a kiss while arching beneath him, their lips meeting messily for a few seconds until they needed air. They were both breathless, inhaling raggedly and barely able to do anything but move in tandem, and after a moment, they just ended up with their foreheads pressed together, Erwin’s hand shifting to cradle Levi’s cheek warmly. His other went to his cock and started stroking, causing Levi to cry out, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment until he opened them again and met Erwin’s gaze. 

“Erwin-” He moaned again, staring into his eyes, feeling warm tension coil tightly in his belly and thighs. He was close, he could tell, and if the way Erwin was panting above him - his breath hitting  Levi’s chin from where they were so close together - and reaching with his hips, he was too. “I’m gonna come! I’m-”

His next words turned into a harsh gasp, his breath catching in his throat as he went rigid. A second later everything released in a warm, pleasurable rush, causing him to exhale a shaky moan and shudder to completion on the bed. He came, spilling all over Erwin’s hand and his stomach, jerking his hips up somehow still as Erwin continued to thrust roughly into him, keeping his eyes open for as long as he could so he could stare into Erwin’s blue ones from where they were just an inch away from his own.

The force of his orgasm caused him to close them eventually, though, his mind going blank with pleasure for a few moments while he tightened his fingers where they’d been resting in Erwin’s hair. He nearly sobbed from the feeling, just holding on to him, savoring the rush and how it felt to have him so close again, tipping him over the edge and finishing inside him too a second later. He groaned deeply into Levi’s ear and held onto Levi’s hip so tightly that he felt it through everything else, and when that faded he was filled with warmth - inside and out, wet and causing both his ass to twitch pleasurably and his heart to nearly burst. 

He wanted to tell Erwin that he loved him but he wasn’t sure he could speak, not right then, and so instead he sighed, the sound leading to a small smile because of the way Erwin was looking down at him. His fingers were resting on his cheek gently, and after a moment, they shared a kiss, and another, and then another until Erwin finally rolled off him. Immediately, Levi reached for a tissue to clean himself off, doing it as fast as he could so that he could curl up at Erwin’s side and get comfortable half splayed out over his chest, closing his eyes for a few moments, catching his breath while Erwin did the same beneath him. 

He could hear Erwin’s heart beating, he realized, and focused on the sound, listening to it drum in his ears in a way that he hadn’t heard in half a decade. It was familiar but new - everything about what they’d just done had been - but Erwin and his heart were his again because he was back where he belonged, and Levi felt so content and lighthearted lying there that he could barely bite back the smile on his face. He reflected on everything that had just happened, remembering it and realizing that it had been almost like a whirlwind, but as he thought about it, recalling how he’d gone from shock when Erwin had showed up at his apartment to hesitant hope and then happiness, there was just one thing that he found himself wondering.

“Erwin.” He said at the thought, shifting to look up at him when Erwin murmured a lazy sounding ‘hm?’ “How did you even get here?”

“I took a plane.” Erwin said cheekily.

He kissed the top of Levi’s head and rolled over so that he was lying beside him, his arm draped over Levi’s stomach while he pressed his face against his neck. Levi reached up with one hand to cup the back of Erwin’s head, but scoffed too, shifting sharply to tease him because of his smart remark. The only reason he was asking was because he was pretty sure Erwin didn't know his address even though he'd known he'd moved out - he’d sent his graduation invite to his mother's place, after all - and even if his comment brought up more questions, he wanted to know this first.

“No shit. I mean to my apartment.”

Erwin chuckled, his breath tickling Levi's skin. “I called your mother after I landed.”

“At 4:00 in the fucking morning?!” Levi exclaimed, his brows flying up underneath his bangs in surprise. “What did she say?”

“Well, at first she was very unhappy with you because you didn’t let her know that you’d landed safely.” Erwin started, kissing Levi’s throat with a smile. 

He leaned into it, rolling his eyes at the same time because of his mother, and then carded his hands through Erwin’s hair before he continued.

“Then, she gave me the third degree about why I wanted your address. She wouldn’t give it to me until I’d explained my intentions at least three times and  _ swore  _ that I meant it.” 

“For fuck’s sake.” Levi muttered, scoffing even if truthfully, he wasn’t surprised. 

Kuchel had always been protective of him, and by then - considering the fact that he was 27 and completely independent and she was  _ still  _ worried about him traveling - he was quite sure that it wouldn’t ever change. 

“I was afraid she wouldn’t give it to me.” Erwin said after another moment, his voice growing a bit quieter. “I thought she hated me too.”

Again, Levi scoffed. He shifted, rolling over until he was lying on his side and facing Erwin on the bed. “Nah, that’s bullshit. You’re basically her other kid. She asked me about you sometimes, and when she brought me your invitation.”

“That’s good to hear. My father did the same thing.”

“Really? I thought that old bastard hated me instead.”

Erwin chuckled, his eyes bright while he rubbed at Levi’s arm, from where he’d wrapped it around Erwin’s waist to hold onto him. “He didn’t hate you, he just worried you were a bad influence when we were teenagers.”

“Oh?” Levi asked, raising an eyebrow, actually finding that a bit funny considering  _ Erwin  _ had been the one to instigate half of the shit they’d gotten into, had been the one who was better at lying, and always came up with their disobedient plans when they wanted to spend alone time together. Still, despite the fact that Erwin’s dad was full of shit, Levi didn’t despise him, and couldn’t resist using this information to tease Erwin. He lifted his hands and wound his fingers in his hair, licking his lips before he started pressing light kisses to his jaw. “Was I?”

“Yes, you were terrible. You were too tempting. You haven’t changed much now, either.” Erwin mumbled, a smile in his voice while he leaned into Levi’s touch.

His fingers began wandering too, tracing over the skin of Levi's back and side while Levi continued to kiss him. 

“How so?” He whispered in between presses of his lips, sliding a leg over Erwin’s waist and nearly humming with approval when he grabbed his thigh.

“Well, besides how amazing you feel right now, I...wasn’t exactly truthful when you asked what you did while you were drunk.”

At that, Levi stopped what he was doing, the growing heat in the atmosphere between them seeming to halt instantly because of Erwin’s comment. 

“What?!” He said, his eyes narrowing while Erwin continued to run his hands all over him. 

He wasn’t irritated or angry - because after all, it didn’t matter now even if he did do something stupid - but what the fuck had he done, and why hadn’t Erwin told him?

“You kept leaning into me, and you told me I smelled good. I had to practically pry your arms off of me to get you to lie down on the couch, and then you told me you missed my cock. I thought you’d be embarrassed, so I didn’t mention it.”

While Erwin spoke, explaining to Levi that he’d actually done exactly what he’d been afraid of, he could feel the smile growing on his lips from where he was now pressing them to Levi’s throat. A moment later and he was shaking with silent laughter too, and Levi found himself scowling, his cheeks red from embarrassment because of how  _ stupid  _ he’d acted when he should have known better. 

“Shit.” He mumbled, making a face at himself - especially because of the dick comment - and trying to imagine what he must have sounded like.

Honestly, though, he wasn’t surprised - not really - because he hadn’t been lying, and he had to admit that now, after Erwin had come back, it  _ was  _ kind of funny. It could have been a lot worse, too, as he could have grabbed Erwin’s cock or something, but either way, it didn’t matter. That kind of awkward exchange was all in the past now, because Levi didn’t have to miss Erwin’s cock anymore. He had it back - he had  _ all  _ of Erwin back, more importantly - and with that thought, it wasn’t long before his mouth found Erwin's again, their conversation ceasing as they fell into another embrace. 

They tangled their legs together and let their hands wander, their fingers exploring and relearning all that they'd missed. It was slower this time, less desperate, and although they weren't 19 anymore, the both of them managed to find themselves hard and aching again far more quickly than they probably should have been able to. This time Levi climbed on top when Erwin sat up, riding him like that while they kissed and held each other close. By then the sun was coming up, and when Levi came again, it was to the sight of Erwin's blue eyes reflecting brightly through the morning rays that were filtering in through his window, wide and full of a fondness that he'd never thought he'd see again. 

After that they slept, because despite the fact that Levi had gotten 12 hours rest before Erwin had gotten there, he'd just used a lot of energy - both physically and emotionally. Thankfully he didn't have to go to work that day, and so he managed to stay a few more hours in bed with Erwin, falling asleep wrapped up in his arms as tightly as possible. When he finally woke up it was lunchtime though and Erwin was gone, the side of the bed he'd been taking up empty and cool and with only the slightest lingering presence of Erwin's smell. 

It was that which let Levi know everything hadn't been some insanely detailed dream once he opened his eyes and remembered, but he still felt a flash of brief anxiety at Erwin's absence, sitting up in bed with a start and only feeling his heart calm when he saw his clothing still lying on his bedroom floor. He hadn't left, Levi realized, he was still there, and he really  _ had _ come back to him the night before. It was all almost surreal when he thought about it, and not just Erwin showing up on his doorstep in the rain, either. 

It was everything: the graduation invite Erwin had sent, the letter he'd written him, and the fact that Levi had decided to go and that it had led to all this in the first place. It was all shocking when a few months ago he'd never thought things would have taken a turn like this, but apparently, life was just full of surprises, and even after all of that, it would seem that Levi wasn't going to get through his day without at least one more. 

After realizing he smelled bacon, Levi heard the muted sounds of someone puttering around in his kitchen. Presumably, that's where Erwin had gone, and he finally decided to climb out of bed, first slipping on the rumpled shirt Erwin had left on the floor before leaving his bedroom. He found Erwin in front of his stove like he'd suspected, wearing only a towel around his waist and standing with his back to him. He must have showered, as his hair was sticking straight up and still a bit damp, and that along with the way he was cooking something on Levi's stove, made him look so right at home that Levi had to stop and stare for a moment. Again his heart swelled with happiness, and after committing the sight to memory, he stepped forward, approaching so that he could wrap his arms around Erwin's middle and press himself up against his back.

“Good morning.” Erwin murmured immediately, going still for a split second before he looked over his shoulder at Levi. 

He was smiling softly, he saw, an affectionate look on his face that told Levi everything about the night before had been real all over again. He wasn't doubting it but it made his heart flutter lightly, and he mumbled a ‘good morning’ of his own back before he looked to see what Erwin was cooking. 

“I used your shower. I hope you don't mind.” He said, while Levi took in the sight of bubbling, fluffy pancake batter. “I didn't want to leave you alone in bed, but I couldn't sleep.”

Levi lowered his eyelids at those words, but then shrugged, because after even just a few days overseas he knew what Erwin was talking about: jet lag. “Yeah. That time difference shit was a pain in the ass.” 

“You get used to it, eventually.” Erwin chuckled, flipping the pancake he was cooking on the stove. 

While he did so, Levi turned to the table, noticing that there was already cooked bacon spread out over it along with a pitcher of what looked like freshly squeezed orange juice. Erwin had set out napkins and plates and there was even a small bouquet of flowers off to the side, and it made Levi raise an eyebrow, because he was pretty sure he hadn't had any of this shit in his apartment anywhere to begin with. 

“I went to the market before I showered.” Erwin explained though, once he saw Levi's puzzled glance. “I wanted to make you breakfast. I'm sorry if it's too much.”

“You wrote me a love letter and chased me to an airport, and you think this is too much?” Levi mumbled, teasing and feeling his cheeks warm from the gesture.

It made Erwin laugh and caused Levi to reach over and take his hand after remembering that he could now, lacing his fingers through the ones that he wasn't using to cook. Erwin looked at him again and smiled before bending to kiss him on the cheek, his lips lingering while they gazed at each other for a second until Levi tilted his head to capture Erwin's mouth. They didn't part until Erwin had to check on his pancakes, twisting back around to scoop it off the griddle and onto a plate. He did it quickly, fast enough so that he could reach back around and grab Levi's arm before he headed to the table, stopping him and bending to give him one more quick peck on the lips.

“I missed you, Levi.” He said softly a moment later, his words and expression so sincere that it had even caused his smile to fade a bit. “I love you.”

It wasn't a bad thing; it just meant he was serious, and it returned a moment later anyway after Levi bit his lip, swallowing before he leaned into him and nodded back. “Yeah. I love you too, Erwin.”

After another kiss Levi finally made it to the table, sitting down before he poured himself a glass of orange juice. He took in the flowers and the food and the neatly prepared setting, and wondered why Erwin had gone to so much trouble. It was nice, of course, and made him feel special and even more happy about everything, but he would have been fine with some toast and another round of sex, but, he noted with a fresh wave of awe and happiness, there would be plenty of time for that later.

Still, he hoped Erwin wasn't doing all of this because he was continuing to feel guilty or something, as Levi would rather move forward without the past hanging over their heads. Thankfully, though, it was nothing like that, because after Erwin finished cooking and approached the table with a stack of pancakes, going back to the fridge to retrieve a bowl of fresh fruit too, he plopped something else down right in front of Levi’s plate.

He didn’t see it at first because he was laying a napkin down in his lap, but when he heard the sound he looked up, going stock still and almost ceasing to breath when his eyes landed on a box. It was a small box, a box that he recognized immediately, and one that he already knew the contents of without even having to open it. Inside were rings, the rings he’d given Erwin as a sort of promise on the night they’d broken up. Erwin had tried to give them back to him when he’d left but he’d refused, as he’d been so distraught and heartbroken that he knew having to see them again would just make him feel sick.

Over the years he’d wondered what Erwin had done with them, but had just imagined that he’d either gotten rid of them somehow or sold them, because why would he hold onto them? Levi wasn’t sure and didn’t know if  _ he  _ would have, but apparently Erwin had done just that, and now he was...now he was giving them back to Levi, but for what? Was he proposing? Was he handing it off to him again as a promise for a future engagement like Levi had intended with them in the first place?

He wasn’t sure, and with about a billion possibilities rushing through his mind, Levi swallowed, looking up at Erwin hesitantly with wide eyes and parted lips. He was standing in front of the table still, watching him, Levi saw, and seemingly waiting for his reaction. Unfortunately, though, Levi wasn’t sure what to say, and Erwin was the one who had set this box down in front of him. Shouldn’t he explain?

“Levi.” He said though, thankfully, after a second of Levi gaping at him where he cleared his throat. “Open the box.”

Drawing his brows down, Levi looked back down at the box and then up at Erwin again, confusion briefly running through him at his request. Did the box not contain the rings? Was there something different in there? Why the hell did he have to open it first for Erwin to explain what the hell he was doing? Levi didn’t know, but rather than argue he just shook his head and reached out to grab the damn thing, popping it open to see just what he’d expected sitting inside: a pair of thin, silver rings.

Before he could open his mouth to ask for an explanation, though, he realized why Erwin had prompted him to look inside. It was so he could round the table and get down on one knee, taking Levi’s hand in his to hold tightly.

“Levi.” He said again, his voice quiet and serious, his face intently focused too when Levi turned his head to look at him. “When I said said I didn't want to waste anymore time, I meant it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I...I want to make some kind of promise to you to show you that, and that I won't leave. I love you, Levi. I’ve loved you since the day we met. Will you marry me?”

For a second, Levi was silent, hearing only the hammering of his heart in his chest after Erwin had stopped speaking. He could barely believe what he was hearing, and almost on instinct, his mind paused to think about it. It was no wonder after everything he had been through, but a second later he realized it didn’t matter; after the night before, he’d known what his answer would be if Erwin happened to ask from the moment he’d seen the box lying on the table.

“Yeah.” He said, breathing the word out as an exhale as he almost slumped forward into Erwin’s arms, falling halfway out of his chair to hug Erwin’s neck from where he was still kneeling on the floor. 

Erwin caught him easily and squeezed him back, a relieved sigh leaving his lips too while he held him. It was almost amusing, Levi thought, that Erwin seemed to be worried that he’d say no, when even after it all sunk in a few moments later he saw no reason for it. Erwin was right: there was no reason to waste time, and even though Levi had never doubted Erwin after last night, his words and the fact that he was considering this a promise meant a lot. It told Levi that he was sure about this, because again, Levi was confident Erwin wouldn’t have done it if he meant it, and that he was now willing to devote himself to Levi completely once more.

It was all he’d ever wanted for most of his life, and it had been heartbreaking to think that Erwin had not felt the same. Now he knew that was never the case and that it had just taken him that long to realize it, and although he’d suffered and been miserable at times, it didn’t matter anymore. He’d come home and he was doing everything he could to make it up to him now, and sitting there, wrapped up in his arms where he belonged, Levi finally felt whole again. 

The thought was enough to make him tear up, but somehow he managed to blink the wetness away by the time Erwin pulled back, gently easing him back in his seat so that he could take the box from his hand and slip the rings on. He put Levi’s on first, smiling when it still fit perfectly, and then his own, pressing their palms together afterward to admire the way they looked beside each other. It made Levi bite his lip, flushing harder than he already was from affection and warmth, feeling so happy and lighthearted that it was a wonder he didn’t float away. 

They stayed like that, gazing at each other for a few moments before Levi grasped Erwin’s hand to wind their fingers together, bending to give him a soft, lingering kiss on the lips. It was sweet and Erwin smiled throughout the entire thing, pulling away after a few moments to give Levi a view of his bright eyes. 

“I’m glad you came back, Erwin.” Levi told him then, savoring the way his ring felt against his skin, and Erwin’s pressing into his palm too. 

There were still a lot of things he didn’t know, and questions and other things they’d have to work out, like where Erwin was going to work and  _ when  _ they would get married. He was going to live in his apartment, Levi was sure, and they’d have to find a way to tell all their friends. It would be a lot to handle, but Levi didn’t care, as right then, he was content to focus on this moment, because no matter what would happen in the coming days he had Erwin back, and that alone was finally a step in the right direction.


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being middle aged was fucking shit, Levi thought, despite the fact that he was only 34 and not actually middle aged in the least. He was barely even out of his twenties, still in his prime, really, and had not sprouted a single gray hair yet. Erwin, on the other hand, had a few that were starting to grow in near his temples, but his normal blonde strands were so light anyway that it was barely noticeable in the first place.

Being middle aged was fucking shit, Levi thought, despite the fact that he was only 34 and not actually middle aged in the least. He was barely even out of his twenties, still in his prime, really, and had not sprouted a single gray hair yet. Erwin, on the other hand, had a few that were starting to grow in near his temples, but his normal blonde strands were so light anyway that it was barely noticeable in the first place.

Regardless, he’d only continued to grow more handsome with age,  _ of course _ , just ending up looking more distinguished and manly the older he got, while Levi felt like he was turning into a frumpy, wrinkled raisin. That wasn’t anywhere close to being true, but he still felt like it sometimes, wondering how much being truly middle aged was going to suck when half the time he was so exhausted that he actually thought he might be 60 years old. 

It was because he was so busy nearly every single day, with his responsibilities at work and at home seemingly multiplied by then because not only had he gotten a promotion a few years before, he and Erwin were married and their family had grown. Sometimes in between all of it he felt like he ran himself ragged, and although it was stressful at times, it didn’t mean he wasn’t happy. On the contrary, he was the happiest he’d ever been, and had felt that way ever since Erwin had come back into his life all those years ago. The time before that when he’d been so lonesome without him seemed like a far away memory, because once he’d returned things had gotten back to normal quickly, and it had been like he’d never even left. 

That had been relieving, because even if Levi trusted Erwin, even if Erwin swore to him over and over that he wouldn’t leave again, that didn’t stop Levi from dreaming about it. He’d wake up almost every night in the weeks after Erwin was back, jolting in bed with the image of Erwin packing his bags or telling Levi goodbye on his front porch again like he’d done all those years ago, his heart a lump in his throat until he’d realize it wasn’t real and he wasn’t alone in bed, either. 

Before he could even try and reach for Erwin to make sure he’d end up enveloped in his arms, or wake up enough to understand that he was already there beside him and that he didn’t even have to move. He’d fall asleep like that again, with Erwin holding him tight, kissing him, whispering that he was there and that he loved him, because even if Levi didn’t tell him what he’d been dreaming about Erwin wasn’t stupid. 

Thankfully, either way, Levi’s dreams gradually stopped, as things progressed and Erwin’s place back in his life became sealed more and more with each step. He moved in with Levi, paying an acquaintance at the university to ship his belongings back home to him because he didn’t want to leave long enough to go back. He started applying for jobs, eventually accepting a teaching position right at their old elementary school where they’d met, in the same department where his father had taught at before he retired. Then, he even whisked Levi off to the courthouse a month after he’d proposed, after they’d talked about it and decided that they’d already wasted enough time  _ not  _ being married in the years before. 

After everything they’d been through, just being together like that was all that they wanted, and neither one of them felt like they needed to have some huge, overly fancy wedding to celebrate it. A simple ceremony with just their parents and a few friends was enough, and after that, Levi never had another dream about Erwin leaving again, because they were finally, after what seemed like half a lifetime and an infinite amount of struggles, together in the way that he’d always wanted. 

Erwin, too, was happy and content, reminding Levi of it almost every single morning with enough kisses to leave him breathless, or words whispered in his ear that made him blush, or even the occasional breakfast in bed or flowers at his bedside so that he didn’t have to have any doubt. In fact, Levi wasn’t sure that he’d ever felt so loved in his entire life save for in his relationship with his mother, and he made sure to show Erwin that he felt the same and that he was grateful to have him back in as many ways as he could. 

It worked, because all in all, Erwin was doing much better than he’d apparently been overseas. Moving back there wasn’t a cure for his depression - Levi knew it didn’t work like that - but not being so lonesome helped, and having Levi to talk to and to support him when he was struggling made a difference. They were good for each other, Levi thought, he knew that, and even if it had taken Erwin longer than it had him to figure it out, all that mattered in the end was that he’d come back to him.

Levi didn’t even dwell on all the time they’d wasted, despite the fact that it would be easy to do, considering that now, because he was so busy, it sometimes seemed like they barely had any time to spend together and the years were now passing in the blink of an eye. At that point in their lives alone time was rare - or at least, it was rare for them to experience it when they weren’t also exhausted, too tired to do anything but collapse onto the bed or couch and just lie there together. Eventually they’d fall asleep - sometimes in their clothes, or sometimes half dressed where they’d at least  _ tried  _ to fool around - waking up like that hours later just in time to repeat everything in their busy, loaded daily routine all over again. 

It was bad enough that sometimes Levi missed Erwin despite the fact that they lived in the same house - they’d bought one a few years ago, once their household had grown from just two to three and sometimes four - but right then, that actually didn’t matter. Right then he was getting ready to spend some much needed, pre-scheduled,  _ non _ -exhausted alone time with Erwin, because it just so happened that their wedding anniversary was coming up and they’d decided to celebrate it the weekend before. 

They’d gone to dinner already at a nice restaurant, taking a cab there and back so they were able to enjoy wine and champagne. Once they’d gotten home Levi had drank half a pot of coffee to make sure he wouldn’t be passing out anytime soon too, and was now in the bathroom, getting ready for bed and the second part of their anniversary celebration. Levi had been looking forward to it, as it had been almost 3 weeks since they’d last actually fucked. It was ridiculous, and they  _ had  _ fooled around, but usually they were too tired and it was too late for them to go all the way by the time they managed to get to it. 

Now, however, they’d determinedly  _ made  _ time, and Levi had decided to take advantage of the situation and wanted to make it special. He’d chosen to surprise Erwin with something a little different, something that he knew he liked and that he used to treat him with when they’d been younger: lingerie. More specifically, he’d ordered a pair of black, lacy panties offline, with a silky robe, sheer stockings, and a garter belt to match. He’d been excited about it when they’d come in, but now, after putting all of it on but the robe and looking in the mirror, he wasn’t so sure. 

What if Erwin didn’t like things like this anymore? What if, worse than that, he didn’t like things like this on  _ Levi  _ anymore? That was what worried him the most, as he looked down at himself and away from his reflection, poking his tummy and biting his lip. He hadn’t tried any of this shit on until now, he thought, and maybe he should have, because...well, he just wasn’t fucking 19 anymore. He wasn’t overweight by any means, but he didn’t still have the fit, toned body of a young man either, and what if Erwin didn’t find him attractive in this? What if he’d changed too much, and his surprise fell flat? Apart from making him worry that he’d disappoint Erwin it made him feel self-conscious too, and Levi wondered whether he should just give up this idea altogether. No, though, he thought, he couldn’t; he’d already told Erwin he had a surprise for him, and he’d gone to all this trouble to buy the shit anyway. 

Likely, all of his worries were meaningless anyway, but even as he told himself that, it was hard to forget them - especially after taking another look in the mirror and scowling at himself, thinking that it would probably look better on him if his stupid legs were longer. Still, he was just going to have to get over it and go out there and at least try, because he’d been in the bathroom for almost 20 minutes at this point and Erwin was waiting. 

Adjusting the panties and stockings one last time, Levi bit back a heavy sigh, reaching for the black silk robe he’d ordered to wrap it around himself. It tied in the front and fell down over his thighs, covering the panties and garter belt and just leaving the bottoms of the stockings visible. It was teasing but helped give him a little reassurance, as even after being together for most of their lives, Levi’s face was already burning at the thought of Erwin seeing him like this. He had multiple reasons for it this time, and swallowed while he stepped toward the bathroom door, cracking it open so that he could peek his head out to make sure Erwin was still sitting on the bed waiting for him. 

“Hey.” He mumbled, thinking to himself that Erwin  _ better  _ not have fallen asleep while he’d been changing. “Are you-”

Once Levi caught sight of Erwin, he cut himself off. His brows drew down too and he frowned, flinging the door open to step out into the bedroom. 

“What the hell- ...what happened?!” He exclaimed, crossing his arms tightly while facing the bed. 

What he’d discovered was not Erwin sleeping, thankfully, but worse than that - or at least, more interruptive to their night together. It was Isabel, their adopted daughter, sitting on the mattress next to Erwin and clearly wide awake. She was supposed to be asleep, he thought, and had been when they’d gotten home from dinner. Mikasa had babysat and put her to bed, and they’d been quiet as fuck while puttering around downstairs and making their way to their room to ensure that they wouldn’t wake her. It was because of her that they so rarely got to do shit like this anyway, and although, of course, Levi didn’t hold it against her because that’s just how it was with kids, he’d just thought that for once, this night, they’d actually luck out and not get interrupted. 

“She had a bad dream.” Erwin explained, his eyes roving over Levi very curiously even as he held Isabel close to him. 

She was sitting on her knees at his side in her pink pajamas and messy pigtails, looking a little sleepy but otherwise not appearing like she’d had a nightmare in the least. Instead of being upset or crying like one might expect from an 8 year old, she was playing with Erwin’s hair, brushing it with his comb and giggling to herself at the mess she was making of it. 

“What are you wearing, Levi?” She asked when she saw Levi, though, pausing in whatever game she was playing with herself to stare at him in obvious amusement. 

Thankfully, she was too young to understand what the hell was going on, and obviously just thought Levi was dressed in a funny outfit or something. Erwin, on the other hand, certainly  knew better, and couldn’t seem to stop staring at the hem of Levi’s robe and at the sheer stockings covering his legs beneath it. 

“Yes, daddy is wondering that too.” He murmured idly, his heated gaze clear even from across the room. 

It was all enough to prompt Levi’s cheeks to burn, but only for a second before he cocked his hip, frowning because even though Erwin was clearly interested, it no longer fucking mattered. “They’re pajamas, Isabel.  _ Daddy  _ should know that too.”

“Can I have some?”

_ “No.” _ Levi blurted, immediately over the sound of Erwin snorting.

“Why not?”

“You aren't old enough for pajamas like this. Are you ready to go back to bed?”

At that, the evidence of Isabel’s nightmare became clear. Her face wrinkled up and she wrapped her arms around Erwin’s neck, burying her face into it too and shaking her head adamantly. 

“No…” Levi heard her mumble, the tone of her voice fearful and wavery even from how it was muffled. 

It was enough to make him bite his lip, feeling a pang of sympathy for her that preceded the natural urge he had to protect her. Sighing, he walked over to the bed even as Erwin wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back, sitting down on the opposite side so that he could place a hand on her knee. It was meant to be comforting, and she looked over at him when he did so, a pitiful pout on her face that had Levi immediately melting, as much as he hated to admit it. He knew right then that he wasn’t going to force her to go to bed, and normally, even though she was probably far too old for it, they would have let her sleep with them for the rest of the night in their room.

It was because both of them hated to see her scared, but...well, it was just that they’d planned this night for weeks, and he didn’t want to give up so easily. Surely there had to be some solution, something they could do so that they could at least have one single, measly hour together so that they could fuck?

“What should we do?” Levi asked, looking past Isabel to Erwin, who was clearly not ready to give up either if the way he kept staring at Levi’s stockings said anything. 

“I don’t know.” He said, his eyes finally unfocusing like he was thinking. “It’s too late to call Mikasa back.”

“Yeah, same with my mom. We could take her over there for the night, but she’s probably already asleep.”

“What about your uncle?” Erwin asked, a question to which Levi gave him an offended, incredulous look that was all the answer he needed. 

“Are Hange and Petra back from vacation yet?” Levi proposed then, to which Erwin’s eyes lit up a bit.

“I think so.”

“Alright, great. I’m calling them.”

“Good idea. I’d do it, but I’m a little busy.” Erwin said, prompting Levi to scoff and roll his eyes, smiling a bit anyway despite himself because of what Erwin was referring to.

Isabel had gone back to playing with his hair the moment it became clear that she wasn’t going to be forced back into bed, and had managed to undo one of her pigtails and give Erwin one while they’d been talking. His was tiny in comparison and sticking straight up into the air from the top of his head, and up until that point, she  _ had  _ been focused on trying to make him another one. 

“Am I going to Aunt Petra’s?!” She asked excitedly when Levi got up though, twisting around to watch him cross the room for his phone. 

“Maybe.” He said. “If she and Uncle Hange say it’s okay.”

Uncle Hange had been what they’d told Isabel to call them from day one, as they and Petra both had fallen in love with her from the moment they’d met. Isabel liked spending time with the two for them for different reasons; Hange because they were loud and entertaining and liked to play with her, and Petra because she would do things like take Isabel shopping or paint her nails. Levi didn’t think any of those things were going to happen that evening considering it was so late, but Isabel didn’t have to know that. All they needed was someone to look after her for a few hours or maybe let her spend the night, because even though she was refusing right now, she’d probably pass out again soon anyway if they did so much as put a movie on for her. 

Luckily, Hange and Petra were both delighted to not only take Isabel for the night, but offered to keep her the next day too until dinnertime once Levi explained the situation. He doubted she’d want to stay that long, but he’d worry about that in the morning. Right then, now that they’d agreed to watch her, his goal was to get her ready and at their house as quickly as possible so he could get back on track with Erwin. 

“I’m going to see Aunt Petra!” Isabel shrieked happily when she learned of the news, jumping up and down on the bed and practically leaping into Levi’s arms when he approached. 

He grunted when she hit, but caught her, as she was small for her age and still easy to carry. “Yeah, come on pipsqueak. Let’s go pack your bag.”

“I’m  _ not  _ a pipsqueak.” Isabel protested, scowling at Levi as they headed into her room. 

“Sure.” He set her down, ruffling her hair before he went to find her backpack.

There probably wasn’t much of a point in changing her out of pajamas, he thought, so instead he just shoved a change of clothes into her bag, along with a toothbrush and a few other things like that she might need. Then he let Isabel pack up her favorite coloring book and whatever other toys she wanted to bring, putting her hair into a ponytail from where she’d ripped out one of her pigtails earlier. After he’d fixed it he put her shoes on and then led her back into the bedroom, where Erwin had put his boots back on too and was throwing on a jacket. 

“I’ll drop her off.” He told Levi, probably offering because he had yet to get undressed completely from what he’d worn to dinner. 

Levi wasn’t going to argue since he had, and instead handed him Isabel’s bag, giving him a quick kiss after telling her to hurry to the car before Erwin could follow.

“Hurry back.” He said, tugging playfully at the front of Erwin’s shirt. “I’ve waited long enough for your cock.”

“I will. I promise.” Erwin said, his voice full of resolve as he took in Levi’s robe and stockings get up one last time, giving his ass a firm, promising squeeze too before he left. 

Levi followed him to the door and watched as he drove off with Isabel, lifting his hand in a goodbye toward her when she enthusiastically waved at him from the car window. The sight of her happy smile left his heart warm, because although he was a bit frustrated at how things had been delayed, he wouldn’t ever wish for his life to be any different. He loved Isabel, and had bonded with her from the moment he’d met her at work. He’d told Erwin about her, in fact, at his graduation even before they’d gotten back together, and he was glad that Erwin had come back rather than Levi leaving like he’d briefly entertained doing. He’d never seriously thought about it, not for long, but if he had, because of Isabel, he probably would have never been able to forgive himself. 

Shortly after he and Erwin had gotten married, she’d been adopted by a foster family. She’d been young but excited, happy to be leaving the orphanage and elated about having ‘real parents’ for the first time. Levi had screened them himself and had been confident that it would go well, but after only a week, the family changed their minds. They decided they didn't want her. They brought her back with barely any explanation, and Levi was left with the task of trying to get a 4 year old to understand sometimes that just happened. 

It wasn't the first time he'd had to do it, but it broke his heart more than anything else he'd ever experienced, and he'd gone home to Erwin that day wishing that he could just bring her with him. She was growing up and he feared that she'd never find a home now if he didn't, because most parents wanted babies or very young toddlers, and the fact that she'd already been through one failed adoption would - as awful as it was - make her look like a problem kid or some shit. 

He'd been in social work long enough by then to know how everything went, good and bad, and for whatever reason she’d just become more special to him than any other kid he'd ever met - except Farlan, the little boy who'd grown attached to him too and who had his own similar problems. His situation was complicated, but now that Isabel was back Levi knew he didn't want her to have to go through that trauma ever again. He also knew that there wasn't any reason why he couldn't just adopt her himself, save for the potential possibility that Erwin might not agree. He loved kids and they had talked about adopting one day before, but what if he wanted a baby, or wasn't ready yet? 

Thankfully, though, Levi's doubts had gotten away from him like they had so many other times in his life, because after he'd eventually told Erwin what happened with Isabel’s failed foster family, he suggested it before Levi even finished the story. He should've known better, he thought afterward, because Erwin had met Isabel before and been absolutely smitten with her - enough, in fact, for the sight of him holding her hand to cause Levi’s heart to clench in his chest. He couldn’t deny that he didn’t want this for them either, that he didn’t want to have a family with Erwin and raise a child with him, together. 

It was a dream that he’d developed somewhat later in life, but it was there, and despite the fact that not even a decade ago Levi would have thought such things to be impossible, that was how Isabel became their daughter, and how Erwin became ‘daddy’ while Levi...well, Levi just stayed Levi. Isabel had known him before and that’s what she’d always called him, and she couldn’t break the habit even though she easily took to calling Erwin by  _ his  _ designated parent name. 

He didn’t mind either way though, because all that mattered was that they now had a family and Isabel would be taken care of. Levi only wished that he could do the same thing for Farlan, too, because really, he’d had a worse time of it than she had. In fact, at that point he was 12 and on his third foster family, after the first two had been unable to handle his behavior. Unlike Isabel he actually  _ was  _ difficult and often in trouble, but Levi didn’t think it meant he was less worthy of a good home than any of the other kids. He wasn’t even a bad child at heart, Levi thought, he’d just had a hard time at a formative age, and if he could only find a family that was the right fit for him, Levi was convinced that he’d do a lot better. After all, he listened to Levi sometimes when he wouldn’t obey any others, but unfortunately, he just couldn’t seem to get lucky.

Levi had hoped that he finally had after he’d managed to line up a new adoption for him before his second family even gave him up, because they’d seemed like good people and everything had checked out even better than the others. Soon after, however, they got divorced and the husband left Farlan with his adoptive mother, who became an alcoholic as a result. She wasn’t abusive or neglectful enough for him to be taken out of her custody - not by a long shot, really - but in Levi’s opinion, she didn’t offer him the attention and care that he needed to keep him from continuing to act out or get into even worse trouble. 

Already he’d been caught stealing from a local store and was hanging out with the wrong crowd, and Levi feared that if he continued, he’d get into drugs or worse. It was all enough to make him wish that he’d just taken in Farlan too when he’d had the chance, but that would have been right around when he and Erwin had gotten married, and there was no way he’d known things were going to turn out like that. As it was, all he could do was stay in his life as much as he could without risking his job, offering Farlan their house if he ever needed to get out of his own for the day and inviting him when they took Isabel camping or to the movies, or other things like that. 

Erwin, of course, was completely supportive of it and helped Levi whenever he could, so much so that he knew once he got home from taking Isabel to Hange and Petra’s that he’d been thinking about it the entire time. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked when he walked in, finding Levi putting away dishes in the kitchen with a dark frown. “Did something happen with Farlan?”

Levi shook his head, because no, nothing had happened. But that was just it, he hadn’t heard from him in five days and that was unusual, and it made him worry. “I haven’t talked to him since last week.”

“Ah. Well, that’s probably better. It means he’s not out getting caught stealing again.” Erwin said, wrapping his arms around him in a warm hug. 

“Yeah.” Levi agreed, because that was probably true. 

But still, what if something  _ had  _ happened, and his shitty mother just wasn’t notifying him? 

“He’s getting older.” Erwin continued though, rubbing his back when Levi leaned against his chest. “He’ll be 13 soon, and you know the last people we ever wanted to talk to at that age were our parents.”

That was also true, Levi thought. He was about at the age where adults became uncool and he would start to be embarrassed by them, but, well, it was just-

“We aren’t his parents.” He muttered, unable to hide the tinge of guilt in his voice.

“You might as well be his father, Levi.” Was Erwin’s response, his words immediate and sure and murmured against Levi’s cheek, from where he’d bent to press a gentle kiss shortly before speaking. “Even if you aren’t on paper, I know he looks at you that way. I can tell.”

“How?"

“Because, he treats you like I treated my father.”

At that, Levi snorted. “Yeah, great, so he’s lying to me about fooling around with other kids then, right? Isn’t that what you did?”

“Not when I was 12.” Erwin replied with laughter. “I don’t think we’d gotten that far yet. At that point, I was still confused about why all I wanted to do was stare at you.”

Levi had only been teasing, and although Erwin had told him things like that before, it still made him flush, still made his heart flutter and his stomach feel like there were butterflies inside of it like  _ he  _ was 12 years old and had realized it too. It was sweet, and helped Levi to get over his bout of worrying - mainly because he remembered that there were other things he’d rather be doing, and that they were also wasting time now that they finally had their whole house to themselves. 

“Erwin.” He said then, stepping back to place both his hands on Erwin’s warm chest. He slid them up over his front, towards his shoulders and then back down again, rubbing at his skin through the cotton and making  _ sure  _ to brush his fingertips over his nipples. “Is Isabel all set?”

“Yes.” Erwin said with a small smile, taking one of Levi’s hands to kiss his palm.

“She’s not going to call in a few minutes, wanting to come home?”

“No. She forgot about me the moment they opened the door. I think Petra said she was going to curl her hair.”

“Speaking of hair.” Levi mumbled, barely biting back a smile of his own as he looked up at Erwin. “There’s still something in yours.”

Erwin’s brows drew down in confusion, but just as Levi reached up he remembered, chuckling when he tugged out the ridiculous looking, short pigtail Isabel had combed his hair into before he’d taken her to Hange’s. It’d been sticking up like that the entire time since then, as they’d both been in too much of a hurry to remember to remove it before he’d left. It was a bit comical now that he’d driven her all the way over there and talked to actual adults like that, but they were both used to those things by then, and somehow, any event in which Erwin was more than obviously a father to his child just managed to make Levi horny.

“So where were we?” He asked, using his free hand to tug Erwin down by the neck, standing up onto his toes to so that he could give him a kiss. 

Erwin obliged him immediately, of course, wrapping his arms around him and planting both his palms right over Levi’s ass. He was still wearing his robe, and Erwin fisted his hands into the material of it, grabbing onto it and only managing to speak after he’d thoroughly licked inside Levi’s mouth to taste him. 

“I think I was about to find out what you’re wearing underneath this robe.” He murmured, in a voice so low that Levi nearly shivered. 

He felt a spark of excitement go through him too, but also one of nerves, because the doubt that he’d experience in the bathroom earlier that night was still there. He still worried that Erwin wasn’t going to like his surprise, or that he wouldn’t think Levi looked good in it anymore, but he did his best not to think about it because it was far too late to turn back by then. Instead, he just closed his eyes, swallowed, and kissed Erwin again, holding him tight until Erwin picked him up and carried him up the stairs quickly. 

It was a miracle that they made it without falling over or bumping into anything, because they couldn’t seem to keep their lips apart, their mouths moving together so excitedly that Levi was already breathless by the time his back hit the bed. Erwin was quick to crawl on right after him, sliding between his legs and leaning over him to kiss at his neck. He nipped at him there, nuzzled him and grabbed at the robe again over his waist, sighing in what seemed like contentment when Levi clutched at him tightly and arched against his chest. 

Then, his hand was at where the robe was fastened around Levi’s middle, tugging the tie loose so that the material slipped off his sides, giving Levi only one single second to prepare himself before he was sitting up to take a good look at him. For a moment, Levi kept his eyes closed. He swallowed nervously, managing to open them next but first glancing at the ceiling of their bedroom. Finally, after taking a breath, he forced himself to look down at Erwin, at where he was still sitting in between Levi’s legs, staring at him raptly without having yet said a single word. 

“Do you like it?” He managed to say, flushing, trying not to take Erwin’s wide eyes and parted, surprised lips as a bad thing. “I mean, I probably look like an old fucking man now, but-”

“That’s ridiculous.” Erwin said then, cutting him off.

He paused, licking his lips and letting his eyes run over Levi’s body for what had probably been the tenth time, sliding a hand up his stocking covered leg to rub his fingers over the lace of the panties. His expression was heated and full of interest - or at least, Levi thought that it was - and it made him feel a bit better. However, Erwin hadn’t said anything else, he was just slowly running his hands over him like he was trying to decide or something, and although Levi  _ knew _ he was overthinking things, he couldn’t help but worry-

“You look gorgeous, Levi.” Erwin finally said again, after he seemed to realize that Levi hadn’t said anything else, after he’d glanced up at his face and noticed that he was lying there still and almost barely even breathing. He smiled warmly when their eyes met like he could sense Levi’s doubt, and bent to kiss his stomach, his fingers digging into his skin like he couldn’t stand to let go of him for even a single second. “Breathtaking, in fact. I don’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful.”

“For fuck’s sake.” Levi mumbled at that, flushing red for an entirely different reason now even as relief swept through him.  

“I would’ve said so sooner, but I was speechless. Forgive me.” Erwin continued, his lips curved up into a smile as he kissed higher up Levi’s stomach. 

His hands were toying with the garters on Levi’s thighs too, the thumb of one slipping its way underneath the thin strap while the fingers of his other wrapped around it’s match. His breath was warm on Levi’s skin and his touch eager, and within a few seconds he’d finally relaxed fully, exhaling the last of his remaining tension in a quiet moan when Erwin dipped his head down to mouth at his bulge through the panties. Levi tangled his fingers in his hair gently when he did so, lying his head back and savoring the way Erwin continued to trail and trace his hands over his skin.

He was going slow, clearly relishing this and what he was wearing, and now that Levi knew how valuable their time could be, he didn’t mind it. Rather than impatiently rush him like he might have done when they were younger, he just settled back onto the bed, combing his hands through Erwin’s hair and rubbing at his back, shifting into him beneath his bulk too while Erwin continued to touch him. He was determined to press his lips to every inch of Levi’s skin below his waist, apparently, mouthing at him over, under, and through the lace, stockings, and garters reverently, covering his thighs and hips with enough kisses to make Levi so achingly hard that he was leaking all over himself.

Even with his newfound patience he was starting to want something more, but just when he thought Erwin was about to slip his panties off, just when he thought he was going touch him more earnestly and stop teasing him, he stopped. He lifted his head and halted his hands, and when Levi whined and glanced down at him to see what the hell he was doing, he smiled. 

“Levi, I mean it. You look amazing. You'll always look amazing to me, no matter how old you are.” He said, crawling back up his body so that he could look him in the eye. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Erwin.” Levi managed to say somehow, barely even hearing himself over how loudly his heart was hammering. 

He was red too, filled with warmth and fondness, gratitude and happiness and just about every other good feeling under the sun, the way he clutched at Erwin tightly telling him just how much what he'd said meant to him even if his words couldn't. 

“I'd be miserable without you, you know.” Erwin continued, pressing his forehead to Levi's while he reached up to cup Erwin's cheeks. “I can't believe how stupid I was back then.”

Levi clucked his tongue at that, tilting his chin up so that he could press their lips together, hoping to kiss away any remorse he might be feeling for something that, as far as he was concerned, was in the past. Either way it didn't matter to him, because even if he had missed Erwin terribly, it had all turned out fine in the end, and anyway, Erwin having a doctorate certainly helped him in getting a higher salary so that they were able to afford their house, cars, and other nice things. 

He’d told Erwin as much before, and he would have told him again then if he’d had the chance, but once they started kissing again they found it hard to stop, holding each other tightly and rolling over so that they were both lying on their sides. Immediately, Levi threw a thigh over Erwin’s waist, his hips moving almost on their own accord in an attempt to grind himself against him, while Erwin’s hands wandered over his ass, squeezing it through the panties before tugging Levi closer. They stayed like that for several minutes, their prior heat somehow turning more languid, and somehow going unnoticed by Levi until he finally broke apart to go for the lube. 

He shifted, reaching for it in his drawer by the bed, and shoved it in Erwin’s hand, diving in for another kiss but stopping when Erwin seemed to falter. 

“What?” He asked, narrowing his eyes as Erwin looked at the tube in his palm, his eyebrows raised in a curious way as if he’d somehow just fucking realized they were going to have to open Levi up. 

“Nothing.” He said in response, remaining still even as he spoke. “It’s just, I’m a little-”

He did not get to finish his sentence. Instead, he was interrupted by a yawn, his mouth opening and his eyes squeezing shut as it hit him suddenly, and the fact that he’d stopped speaking didn’t matter because Levi realized what he’d been going to say anyway. 

“God fucking dammit.” He swore, knowing that Erwin had been about to tell him he was  _ tired. _

He wanted to be irritated at him, he really did, because after everything, after all the planning and waiting and even after they’d overcome the obstacle of Isabel, they still weren’t going to end up fucking. It was obvious now because Erwin’s eyes were drooping, but unfortunately, Levi couldn’t say anything. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t tired too, because all of the coffee he’d drank earlier that night had worn off, and having to take Isabel to Hange’s and their talk in the kitchen about Farlan had delayed them too much. Now it was exceedingly late -  after 11:00 PM, which for them  _ was  _ late - and he felt exhausted too, doubting deep down inside that either one of them had the energy to push through it.

“No.” Erwin said though, attempting to look determined as he went for the cap on the lube. “I’m fine. I can make it.”

Levi made a disgruntled sound but reached for his arm, stopping him so that he could grab the tube himself and toss it away. It was sweet that Erwin was still willing to try, he thought, because he knew how much they’d both been looking forward to this. He also knew how much trouble Levi had gone to surprise him and probably felt guilty, but it wasn’t  _ that  _ big of a deal. He could probably stay awake too if he wanted, but then it wouldn’t be as good or intense, and besides, they’d still have the house to themselves in the morning, right?

“It doesn’t matter. Just...fuck it. Isabel will still be gone when we wake up, and you can stick it in my ass then.”

Erwin hummed thoughtfully at that, relenting at Levi’s words and practically slumping down onto the bed next to him. He yawned again which, in turn, made Levi do the same thing, and kissed him one last time, reaching out to cup his ass again too despite what they’d just decided. They continued to lie like that for a moment but then gradually got up to go brush their teeth together, puttering around the bathroom and continuing to yawn the more tired they became.

“Will you wear this to bed?” Erwin asked Levi when he was ready, wrapping his arms around him from behind and grabbing two giant handfuls of his silky robe.

He was referring to that and the panties and stockings Levi knew, and even if he scoffed and shook his head, he was, as always, more than happy to oblige him.

“I guess I can do that, you pervert.” He teased, squirming out of Erwin’s arms so that they could head back to bed. This time instead of falling on it in an embrace, however, they just pulled their covers down, climbing in together after turning out the lights so that they could get comfortable. “As long as you promise to fuck me every night when we retire. I don’t care how much viagra it will take to get your cock up.”

By then, they’d settled, and Erwin’s snort was loud enough to nearly rock the bed. “Will you still love me if it shrinks?”

“Will you still love me if _ I  _ shrink?” Levi replied, from where he was now lying with Erwin at his back, his arm around him and knees tucked up behind his own. 

He was comfortable and growing warm already, feeling more and more drowsy with every second that he laid there. He was sure that it wouldn’t take him long to drift off once he closed his eyes, but of course, Erwin couldn’t resist teasing him one last time, causing him to curse and squirm in an attempt to get out of his grip when Erwin told him ‘I think you already have.’

“Bastard.” He swore, calming down after Erwin just tightened his arms and kissed the back of Levi’s neck. 

“I told you I would, didn’t I?” Erwin said after they’d settled down again, sounding just as sleepy and lethargic as Levi felt. 

“Yeah.” Levi mumbled, biting his lip and suddenly feeling fondness swelling inside him. “I will too, Erwin.”

In response, Erwin gave him a squeeze and another kiss to the top of the head, the smile on his lips somehow evident even though Levi couldn’t see him. They grew quiet after that, contented and close despite the fact that the night hadn’t ended the exact way Levi had wanted. He was happy though, he thought, and always would be as long as he had Erwin there. He knew that would be the case no matter what happened, and now, instead of just looking forward to the morning, he fell asleep thinking about how eager he was to spend the rest of his life with Erwin too - until they were both old and wrinkly, and even  _ if  _ they could never manage to find time to fuck again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this story :) Thank you to all who read it, and left comments and kudos. Everything is appreciated and I'm grateful that you all stuck with me even through the angst @.@

**Author's Note:**

> All comments and kudos appreciated, thanks for reading <3


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